A Barrel of Trix
You're in the 12th Grade, your last year here in this dreadful place. You're finding yourself walking down the main corridor, talking to your long-time friend, Al.
"I just feel as if I'm not going to be fulfilled when this is over." You say.
"Don't worry, Anon. You're smart, you're probably going to get a well-paying job, your life is set!" He says with the utmost enthusiasm.
"Yeah, well, let's just hope I don't get any smudges on my file. I need that like I need a hole in my head." You mutter sarcastically.
"Funny. Anyway, we need to get moving. I want to see Betty before she leaves for the weekend." Al responds.
"Ok, well, I’ve got to grab some stuff from my locker. I'll see you later." You watch him leave. "Give Betty my regards!"
Out of the corner of your eye, you spot a girl with silver and blue hair trying to get peanut butter crackers from a vending machine.
"You infernal machine; either give Trixie her food, or give Trixie her money back! Otherwise, you will feel her wrath!" She howls.
"That machine doesn't work properly. Kick it a few times, and you'll get your food." You walk up to the machine as she tries to jostle the small packet from the machine. After a short while of watching her pitiful attempt at kicking, you decide to step in.
"Here, like this." You say as your drive your foot into the side of the machine.
"Thank you. Trixie really wanted these." She states as she reaches into the machine.
You put your hand out, offering a handshake.
"What's your name? I'm Anon, 12th grade."
"I AM THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE," She flaunts. "AND YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE ME IN THE SAME GRADE AS YOU" After introducing yourselves, you begin to walk away, but a screeching voice stops you in your tracks.
"You dare turn your back on the Great and Powerful Trixie after she's given you the honour of knowing her?!" She screams, slowly closing the gap between the two of you.
She would have intimidated you, if she wasn't so cute.
"Sorry, but you're not intimidating me. I just have difficulties in social situations with girls, please, don't take it personally." You say as you begin to walk away quickly. She begins speeding up, quickly closing any distance.
"Just stand still and talk to Trixie!" She exclaims before grabbing your arm.
"L-let go of me!" You demand.
As you attempt to pull away, she tightens her grip on your arm. The end result of her action is the both of you in a heap on the floor. After being on the ground with her for a few seconds, you hear a booming voice.
"ANON AND TRIXIE, GET OFF THE FLOOR AND COME TO MY OFFICE, NOW!” The voice called.
Though you were still dazed, just the volume of the voice let you know it was Vice Principle Luna. You stand up, and try to regulate your breathing. The way Trixie landed on you resulted in getting the wind knocked out of you. After helping Trixie to her feet, you start following the Vice Principle. You hung your head low in shame as you walked to the office. Almost six years with a perfect record, finally tarnished. On such a menial issue, too! Damn it all!
You feel something brush against your hand as you walk. It was Trixie's hand, and from the way it was trembling, she was getting worried. You take her hand in yours, realizing that she could be extremely upset at the time, and give it a reassuring squeeze. She glances over at you, tears streaming down her face. 'Deep breaths' you mouth at her, with a look of concern. You always try your hardest to be nice to everybody, and it really pays off. She nods and begins to breathe deeply. When you approach the door to the Vice Principal’s office, you let go of Trixie's hand and adjust your backpack.
"Get inside, now." Vice Principle Luna commands.
"Yes, ma'am" You reply quietly as you walk inside.
You take a seat in front of her desk, and take a few deep breaths of your own to try and process the situation. Trixie takes the seat next to you, and moves her hair out of her face.
"Now, the two of you are going to be staying back after school to sort out your differences." Luna says, as she sits behind her desk.
She looks at Trixie, with a disappointed look in her eyes.
"I never expected a new student to behave this way on her first day." She sighs; you can hear the disappointment in her voice.
She doesn't look at you, but more in your general direction.
"Anon, I'm extremely disappointed in you, too. You're a model student, and you have never been in any situation like this.
You gulp and look down at the floor.
"Just remember to go to the detention hall after you finish today. You're both dismissed."
"Yes ma'am." You respond softly, as you stand up, not lifting your gaze from the ground as you leave the room.
----CUT TO THE END OF THE DAY----
You sit patiently in the detention hall, your head propped up on a few books, as you daydream. A light tapping on your shoulder brings you back to reality.
"Anon, it's me." A soft voice whispers in your ear.
It's Trixie, and it seems like she rushed to get here. You lift up your head off the desk, and reach into your backpack. Pulling out a sandwich wrapped in aluminium foil, you smile softly at her, and put your hand on her right cheek.
"Here, have this. I bought it at the cafeteria. I thought you might like it..." You stand up and hand her the sandwich
She smiles back at you, and takes your hand in hers.
"T-thank you, Anon… Trixie didn't pack any lunch today." She whispers excitedly, packing it in her bag.
She then envelopes you in a tight embrace, nestling her head into your shoulder.
"Trixie is really sorry, Anon. Trixie shouldn't have been so pushy, and she shouldn't have yelled at you so much." She sighs, choking on fought back tears before pulling away from the hug.
You take her hand in yours again, and give her a comforting smile.
"I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have walked away from you so rudely, and I feel terrible for pulling you to the ground." You respond as you pull her back into the hug.
The two of you stand there for what feels like hours in each other’s arms.
----EPILOGUE----
As you walk home, you begin to think about what the events of today has taught you. It was something you liked to do after school, as you walked home. Today, you learned that people can be different, and while you can connect with some people instantly, it can take a falling out or disagreement to connect with others. You also learned that you need to open up and help others, so you can become a better person.
"Well, I suppose this is what it means to be growing up. I just didn't think that I'd leave school today in a relationship." you mutter to yourself. You then give a small chuckle.
"I never expected things to turn out this way..."
-Fin-
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>Almost six years with a perfect record,
Where is that still in place?
4824002 What do you mean?
4824076
Six years at that school, or six years of school in general?
4824113 Six years at that school
4824278
If your protagonist is in 12th grade, that means he's in his senior year of high school -- but high school is only 9th through 12th grade, so the maximum amount of time he could've been in that particular school is four years, not six -- unless he's either flunked out and had to repeat a grade two years in a row, or unless that school combines both middle school (grades 6 through 8) and high school in one facility. (Which would be highly unusual; at least, I'm not aware of any public school system in the U.S. which does that.) It may seem like a minor detail, but even minor details can de-rail a story by breaking the reader's suspension of disbelief if they're not explained.
For a first attempt, it's not too bad... it just needs more substance to it, and better pacing (which you've already noted); ultimately, it doesn't really amount to much, and nothing's really at stake. Grammatically, you've got a good handle on homophones like "your" vs. "you're" (although you did mis-use "principle" when you meant "principal"); the only major, consistent error I can see is your dialogue punctuation.
When you have dialogue followed by an attribution of who said it and how, the whole thing -- dialogue and attribution together -- is treated as one complete, single sentence. If the character's dialogue is meant to end with a period, you put a comma before the closing quote mark, and then you do not capitalize the first word after the closing quote unless it's someone's name. Like so:
If the dialogue ends in a ? or !, you use those marks as normal, but you still treat the whole dialogue-plus-attribution as one sentence and do not capitalize the next word unless it's a name:
Only when what follows the dialogue is not a "speech action" indicating who said the preceding dialogue and/or how it was said, but is a separate action which occurs after the character finishes speaking, do you end dialogue with a period and start a new sentence:
This is done correctly, because the dialogue is spoken first, then the action of walking up to the machine takes place.
Also, don't be afraid to just use the basic "said", "asked", or "replied." These are "invisible" to the reader, so to speak, and they won't notice you using them -- but they will notice you constantly trying to avoid using them.
(And if your English teacher tries to tell you differently, point them towards Douglas Adams' The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy novel. In the first chapter (15 pages), there are 58 dialogue attributions, of which 44(!) are "said", with the remaining 14 being fairly evenly divided among "growled", "continued", "exclaimed", "shouted", "asked", "hooted", "called", "sighed", "joke (-d)", and "reply (-ied)". If it's good enough for an author whose books have sold 15 million copies worldwide, it's good enough for your teacher's high-school English class.
)
Also: I strongly suggest not writing in 2nd-person perspective. That sort of thing may work in online roleplaying games and "choose your own adventure" books where "you" (i.e., the reader) are given the chance to make choices to control the outcome of the story, but it's a poor choice for fixed narratives. (I'm actually rather surprised your 11th-grade English teacher would even accept it in that form; mine certainly wouldn't have back when I was in high school...)
Hope that helps!
4824549 Thank you. Just to clarify, when I say 12th grade, I mean high school senior, but in Australia, things are a bit different. For starters, our "Elementary" or Primary Schooling ends in the 6th grade, and so our High School starts in 7th, so I see it as he'd been in high school for 6 years at this point, but I am trying to take other countries' education systems into account when writing things.
To clear up some extra stuff about pacing and substance, I only had a couple of hours to write this so that I wouldn't get in trouble, and it was with no reference to pony unless you count using the name Trixie (which is still a bit of a common name), but other than that, it was just a school-kid's attempt at using a theme to pump out some kind of love story. I basically went through and replaced regular stuff with pony stuff, and then had my friend help me with some editing stuff so it could get posted.
In regards to your notes on my dialogue punctuation, I can explain. We were never really taught that in school, and because I'm not much of a reader, I can't say that I even knew that I was supposed to do that, but I guess the point of life is that you learn something new every day, am I right?
Again, thank you for your notes, and I appreciate the notes and tips you have given me.
4826273
Ah, so basically, the Australian system only has "elementary" and "high" school, then? Interesting.
Well, just for reference:
The most common system here in the USA goes like this:
Elementary School: grades 1 - 5
Middle School: grades 6 - 8
High School: grades 9 - 12
You may, occasionally, see references to "junior high" in stories written in (or taking place in) the 1950s or earlier; that's a different system which used to be more common, but which has mostly fallen by the wayside since the 1960s or so. (Although some school districts still use it, oddly enough.) Basically, it had elementary school as grades 1 - 6, junior high as grades 7 - 9, and high school as grades 10 - 12.
Well – not to put too fine a point on it, if you want to be a writer, you have to be a reader. You don't have to immerse yourself in the kind of dry Literature Studies "classics" your schoolteachers have probably inflicted on you – Doctor Who and Star Trek novels, the Harry Potter series, and so on will give you plenty of grounding in narrative voice, plot construction, and functional grammar/punctuation skills without putting you to sleep within five pages
– but you do need to do a lot of reading to become a good writer.
4826552 Well, either way, thank you for the tips about what to do. I'll take it into account next time.
4826552
4826592
Actually, to my understanding, we have
Primary School: R-5
Middle School: 6-9
High School: 10-12
It's something like that but I know for a fact that we have middle schools. Although our Primary Schools are usually R-7, 6-9 is still called Middle School. That's generally why 10-12 get senior jumpers and shit at High School
Okay, pretty decent but bare bones stuff here.
You probably should've lengthened this out a bit. Maybe add a few thousand words to it so that you could develop the characters a bit better. I know this was for a school project, and god did I make those things fast as well, but you should've put a little more care into it before posting it. The environment of a school is very different from a place like this.
Forgiving the fast pace of the thing, there are a few minor issues. Firstly, Trixie's reactions seemed very high strung. She was on the brink of tears over a scuffle? Seemed very strange to me, especially since the punishment was just forgive and forget after class (which is also weird since they just left without telling anyone...?).
Finally, the epilogue actually gave me a bit of nostalgia for the show. I was thinking you were going to end it as a letter to somebody or something just because that's the feeling I got. I hope this is what you were aiming for, because otherwise it's kind of corny.
All I have to say. This story does seem kind of small though, I'd rather see how you handle something a bit longer.
4843847 Actually, I wouldn't mind making a follow up to this story, but the problem is that I've got one story I need to finish, then convert, and then I've got another to start afterwards, and then I'm writing a follow up to the one I'm almost finished with.
But thank you for your pointers, and I'll make sure to take them into account.
With the whole crying thing, though, is that Trixie was most probably over thinking shit when they were being taken to the Vice Principal's office, and I know from experience on how badly that fucks up ones thought process, and turns them into an emotional wreck.
bump