Brony Dragon
Joined 8th Jul, 2012 ·
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Hm... Well, I don't find anything too obtrusive with this story. It's pacing is very much rushed, and you'll need to describe the scene more. The technical parts of the story seem fine, at least.
4906265 Hmm... have hard time with bg details :/
4906412
It takes some practice, yeah.
Just make sure to play off the five senses. Pretend that you're there. Pretend that you are standing right next to the action, seeing everything take place. Describe the scene as you would see it yourself.
In order of importance:
Sight:
How bright is it here? How dark? What color is the most prevalent in the scene? What size are any objects?
If you're in a bright forest, describe the green tint the surroundings would have, as well as the dappled shadows the trees cast.
Touch:
How warm is it? Is it cold? Is there some kind of latent energy in the air that makes the hair on your arms stand up?
Hearing:
What does it sound like here? Is there some kind of commotion going on? Maybe there's a crowd that's making a loud rabble.
Smell:
Really only useful if there's something odd about the situation. Maybe there's a foul smell in the air, or maybe the room smells like warm apple pie? If there's something around that would make an odor, describe the odor it's making. In the prologue, I would think that the auction would smell bad, because of the sweaty dirty bodies all crowded together.
Taste:
Even more exclusive than smell. Only really useful if a character is eating something, or if the smell in the air is so oppressive that you can literally taste it.
As an example:
Also, keep in mind what consequences certain actions would have. If your character has chains attached to them, moving would make a clinking noise. Snapping those chains would send small pieces of metal clattering all over the place.
Take into account the tone of the story. If the scene is meant to convey a dark or oppressive atmosphere, use dark or oppressive words. If the scene is bright and cheery, use playful happy words.
Using that same scene from before, I'll change up the wording to make it feel more bleak and empty:
Use a thesaurus. They are the best friend any writer can have, even professional writers use them.
4906558 TY
This premise interests me; go on ahead...
I upvoted this because I have faith in you and your ability to improve.
"Starry Knight; technical son of Luna and spawn of Nightmare Moon. He was created from scraps of dark matter from Moon's time on the moon, and personality controlled by a single artifact. He was somewhat happy, making a fiew friends, falling in love, yet never felt to be a great leader like her aunt Celestia because of his darker side. That was until the Caribou attacked, and took his loved ones and all of Equestria away from him. Now it's up to him to lead and take back what was taken from him"
Moon's time on the moon?
A fiew friends?
Missing full stop at the end.
Prologue/Protologue.
If you have a feeling a story will be bad, ever tell your audience. Post it, but do all you can to make it better. Escalate things, have more epicness ensue. Have you ever seen Gurren Lagann or Code Geass? Those are great shows, and once you watch them and understand them, you will know why. Also, try and make the description sound like the kind of thing The Epic Voice Guy from Honest Trailers would say if he was seriously advertising something awesome.
I like the premise, but the prose is a bit bland and dry, and the pacing is set too fast with too little time to set the scene or make the reader feel like they're there. That, the ability to make the readers not just observe, but feel, and to immerse them in ways no movies can, that is the advantage all writing will forever have over movies, no matter how big the special effects budget or famous the stars.