The Misadventures of E.F.A.

by Vanilla Melody

Wallowing In Pity, Sugar, and Guilt

Chrysalis sighed into her dampened pillow. Why don't I have any friends who actually care about me? She rolled onto her side and apathetically stared out the window, reddened eyes finally dry. Do they not like me? Am I the problem? What did I do? Where did I go wrong?

She gave a quiet, shuddery sob and closed her tired eyes, her ears folding back. Why was Nightmare Moon trying to hurt my feelings? And why didn't Discord, Tirek, or even Sombra stand up for me? Couldn't they see I needed them?

Her thoughts were still for a moment, but swiftly fired up as she heard laughter coming from outside the window. Peering out of it from her bed, she furrowed her brow as she witnessed several of her classmates trotting by. A pegasus filly named Firefly playfully hit her friend Flaire de Mare on the shoulder, gleefully saying something to her that earned an indignant gasp as well as stifled giggles from the others.

Eyes moistening once again, Chrysalis thought, Why am I so socially inept that no one else at school will even look at me when I say hi? Why does everyone always sort me under the 'weirdos' category?!

Salty raindrops trickled down the charcoal windows that made up her cheeks. Why can't I be one of the pretty, popular girls?! Why do I have to hang out with those meanies just to keep from seeming like a complete loner?!

The ring of a doorbell registered in the back of her mind, but she gave it no thought. Why are ponies so quick to judge me?! Why did I have to be born a changeling?!? Why do I have greasy, stringy, completely unattractive hair?!? Why do I have holes all over my body?!? Why do I have fangs instead of normal pony teeth?! Why can't everyone else just pretend I'm a pony and treat me like it?!? It's not my fault I'm a freak!! Scrunching her muzzle, she sat up and furiously punched her pillow with a hoof, a few breathy sobs escaping.

Fire gleaming in her watery eyes, the distraught changeling gave a guttural scream as she hit the bundle of feathers once again, a dull pain building in her hoof. Why do the cool kids always just ignore me?!? Do they think I'm not even worth bullying? Chrysalis collapsed onto the mattress, sobbing haphazardly and clutching the abused pillow to her chest. Not the best form of acknowledgement, but it's still some nonetheless.

Her wails died down into sniffles as she stroked the fluffy white object in her hooves, quelling herself by focusing on how soft it was, but her lower lip couldn't help but quiver and the tears insisted on pouring out. She craned her head to the window again, only to find her classmates gone.

Stupid Nightmare Moon, she furiously thought. Stupid Discord, stupid Tirek, stupid Sombra. She flopped onto her right side, back facing the door. Stupid Firefly! Stupid Flaire! Stupid Easyglider! Stupid—

"Chrysalis? Are you alright in there?"

The young changeling jolted upright and frantically wiped her eyes with a hoof. She threw herself at the door, her back leaning against it and her forelegs spread out to keep it from opening. "I'm fine, Mom!" she called.

Her mother's concerned reply promptly came, her voice distorted and echoey, a quality her daughter would acquire once she hit puberty. "Are you sure? I thought I heard yelling."

Double-checking that the door was locked, Chrysalis forced a pained laugh. "It's all good in the hood! Nothing to worry about." She cleared her throat uncomfortably. "I just, uh . . . you know, I just, um, well, I uh . . . st-stubbed a hoof! Yeah."

"Oh no, does it hurt too bad?"

"Oh my gosh, it's not a big deal, Mom!"

"Just checking, love. Anyways, your little friend Sombra is here." Her information elicited a look of confusion from the girl. What's he doing here?

"Tell him to go away," she said, continuing to keep her forelegs splayed across the locked door. A rough, sandpapery voice mumbled something that Chrysalis could only catch bits and pieces of.

"Did you hear that, Chrysalis? He said he needs to talk to you about a school project." Chrysalis's expression shifted back to puzzlement. What's he—oh.

"Um, I haven't finished my part yet, Sombra, so, um, come back later," the jade green maned filly replied, playing along with her ex-friend's lie. "Please," she added.

After a moment of hesitation, the colt outside her room replied in a soft voice, "Okay." Chrysalis breathed a sigh of relief and perked her ear against the door, listening to the diminuendo of the pair's hoofsteps. She slid to the floor, smiling weakly at Sombra's cooperation.

---

The sky was littered with cotton candy clouds, and so was Discord's humble abode. He lay on one of the sticky treats and chewed away at another, attempting to sugar-rush his problems away. A glance at the wall clock told him it was 5:27.

A whole hour and fifteen minutes after their feud.

The draconequus shoved the rest of the cloud into his mouth, letting his saliva do the taxing job of breaking down cotton candy. Swallowing the sugar, he reached out to grab a pink cloud floating above him, practically begging to be consumed. Its silent pleas were answered, as Discord popped it into his mouth and began to chew. He gulped it down and reached out for another cloud.

He repeated the process once again. And then again. And again. And again and again and again, his stomach bulging more and more with each bite. As he took the first bite of the fifty-fourth cloud, Discord groaned and clutched his tummy. He released the cloud and moaned, letting it float away, his binge finally coming to a halt.

The tween leaned back on his cotton candy cloud and stared up at his ceiling, giving no thought to anything.

Until he felt his stomach's protests. His ketchup and mustard eyes widened as he rushed out of his room to the bathroom, his lion paw covering his mouth.

One vomiting session later, Discord emerged from the bathroom, both his mouth and stomach clean again. Instead of heading back to his room though, the draconequus dragged himself into the living room. He plopped down onto the leather couch and picked up one of his dad's sports magazines.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?" he groaned, setting the magazine down and mentally preparing to go over to the door.

"Sombra." Discord quickly sat up.

"Get out," he said in a cold voice.

"I need to talk to—"

"Get out of my house."

"Technically it's your par—"

"I said, get out! You know I can call the cops on you for trespassing."

The unicorn and draconequus were still for a moment. Discord was almost sure the colt would attempt to talk again, but to his surprise, he swiftly turned on his hoof and trotted away.

Discord listened to the clip-clops of Sombra's hoof-steps and sighed. He's right. This is my parent's house.

---

"Scorpan," Tirek called out to his brother from the bean bag he sat on. "Scorpan. Scorpan. Hey Scorpan. Scorpan. Scorpan. Scorpan. Hey Scorpan."

Scorpan did not look up from the book he was reading. "What?" he grumbled, eyes glued to the page.

The centaur replied, "How's it going with Clover the Clever?"

No answer came.

"She rejected you again?! Not that surprising actually."

Scorpan glared at his brother. "As a matter of fact, Clover didn't." He abruptly set down the book. "What do you want?"

Tirek casually stuck a finger up his nostril. "So you guys are dating now?" he said, flicking the gunk on his finger away.

Scorpan sighed. "Can you please not do that?"

"What?" Tirek asked, continuing to pick his nose.

"That. It's disgusting and makes me wanna puke."

Tirek snorted. "You've got such a weak stomach, bro. So, anyways, are you dating or not?"

Scorpan sighed. "What's it to you?"

"Would you just answer the feathering question?"

"No, okay?! Geez."

"Wait—but . . . That makes no sense, Scor."

Scorpan rolled his eyes. "Ugh, she just told me she wasn't going to be dating for a while, so she didn't really reject me, exactly."

"You could have just said that, stupid."

Scorpan groaned a groan of annoyance and stood up. "Au revoir, mon frère. Je n'adore pas te disputer avec toi." He lowered his voice, just enough so that his brother couldn't hear him. "Tu est très, très stupide."

Tirek raised an eyebrow, puzzled. "Is that Saddlish?" he questioned after a moment of hard thinking.

Scorpan rolled his eyes and strolled out of the room.

"It is isn't it?" Tirek yelled, "¡Hola! Cómo estás! I have no idea what that means!"

---

Solar Flare stared at her math textbook, her brow furrowed.

1. Graph the curve r = sin(8θ/5).

What? She flipped back to the examples page.

After studying the process for the thousandth time, she turned back to the problem. Picking up her quill, she scribbled down the corresponding parametric equations.

x = r cos θ = sin(8 θ/5) cos θ y = r sin θ = sin(8 θ/5) sin θ

Now what? she thought, flipping back to the examples page. She scrutinized the numbers and variables on the thin paper, mentally plugging in the ones from the problem she was stuck on. "What?" she whimpered. "How did you get that? Or that?"

The alicorn read and re-read the solution to the example problem, but after nearly ten minutes, gave up, labeling her efforts futile. My brain hurts . . . I need a snack.

---

"There! All done!" Nightmare Moon's right ear flopped down and back up again. She turned to the doorway, where she could hear her sister's approaching hoof-steps. She smiled at the red head that was soon visible.

"Whoa!" Solar Flare surveyed the kitchen, where a food bomb had apparently blown up. "What happened here?" She winced as she gazed at the mess. Trails of flour hoof-prints snaked across the floor. The island counter had milk puddles dripping to the floor and bits of egg shell and haphazardly cut butter strewn about, with an erratic layer of powdered sugar to top it off. Little chunks of batter and buttercream frosting clutched the walls and floor, along with several not-expensive-at-all pieces of mahogany furniture. A whole bag of oats seemed to have been spilled as well.

A young, black filly weakly smiled up at her sister.

"I baked a cake!" The tic under Nightmare Moon's left eye twitched as she motioned towards her efforts prize. Solar Flare's eyes were drawn from the kitchen's catastrophe to the grotesque pastry sitting in a plastic red wagon. The lumpy mess of sugar and oats made Solar visibly gag. Even I wouldn't eat that, she thought. The sable filly was not oblivious to the gagging, though.

"Hey!" she growled. "What's wrong with it?!" The red alicorn gave her a flat look and rolled her eyes. Nightmare sighed. "It's the frosting job, isn't it? I knew I should have used more milk!"

"Nothing, Moony. Why'd ya make it anyways?" She cocked her head at the younger filly.

Nightmare Moon sighed wearily. "I made it to make up to my friends. They're still mad at me."

Solar Flare eyed the cake, muttering, "No, really."

Nightmare turned to her masterpiece, gazing sorrowfully at it. After a couple of moments, she burst into tears. "You're right! It i-is horrible! I can't bake and now my fr-friends will hate me forever!"

"Ch-Cheer up, Nightmare," Solar Flare said tentatively. "It's the thought that counts, right?"

Her little sister ceased her crying for a moment to stop and think. As it hit her, a smile crossed her teared-up face. "Hey yeah, you're right!" She ran up to the crimson teen and hugged her, saying, "Thanks, Solar! You're the best!"

Solar Flare chuckled and patted the temperamental filly's head. "I really am, aren't I?"

Author's Note:

Math is so fun!

MATH BE LIKE:

Just kidding! The only thing I learned in math class is that I hate it.

MATH:

Sorry, Math, but that doesn't change the fact that I hate you.

MATH:

Let's do some good old arithmetic anyways though!

MATH:

First problem, which is also the easy one that any idiot can do!

a) What time did E.F.A.'s meeting start?

b) When did Discord have to throw up?

This is the info presented to you (let's assume it's exact and there is no commute time):

-Their feud took place a half hour after the meeting started.
-Discord was binging on cotton candy an hour and fifteen minutes after their fight.
-When he looked at his clock, it read 5:27.
-He ate 53 and one tenth clouds since he looked at the time.
-It takes him exactly three seconds to eat one bite of cotton candy, which is equal to one tenth of the cloud.

Second problem. Solar Flare's multivariable calculus problem.

Graph the curve r = sin(8θ/5).[

Answer correctly and get a fabulous reward!

Now, let's move on to our next school period, French! (And Spanish too. World Languages. Whatever!)

FRANÇAIS:

Au revoir, mon frère. –> Goodbye, my brother.
Je n'aime pas te disputer avec toi. –> I don't like arguing with you.
Tu est très, très stupide. –> You are very, very stupid.

ESPAÑOL:

¡Hola! –> Hello!
Cómo estás! –> How are you!

I can't believe I just took the time to do all of that . . . It's not like people actually read these author notes either way . . . whatever.

Comments

[awesomesauce4]

How on earth am I supposed to submit a parametric graph over a text-based software? I like the lighthearted style, by the way - reminds me of the episodes themselves...

[Vanilla Melody]

5132305 Lol, you'll think of something!

Thanks!

[AngriestDislestia]

This is so funny and good!!! You should really carry on!!!

[Kontaro]

Nearly 5 years later, we must proclaim this fic dead...so sad, it looked like it had potential

[Loganic]

9796314
I think we need to declare the author dead.

[Kontaro]

10363414
ah yes, not online since 2016...prolly dead