While Twilight and her friends are checking on the the Tree of Harmony they find something very unexpected. A new friend. A crippled Bat-pony living in the Everfree Forest.
Chapters (2)
- Member Since 24th Aug, 2013
- offline last seen Jun 27th, 2022
MissDirection
"If you don't know what you want, then it really doesn't matter which road you take." -Cheshire Cat
MissDirection
Joined 24th Aug, 2013 ·
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This it's awesome.
Life story without any build up or proper character development. Advise you reconsider the early placement of such exposition.
Otherwise, good start.
4670582 Thanks! no ones ever said that about any of my stories!
4675173 now someone has.
kewl.
...
Okay, so after reading the first chapter I want to give you some feedback. Though feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt, I'm no expert.
The beginning starts off fair enough, though I would have liked to see it a bit more fleshed out. You mention Twi having her own court, but don't go into any detail about her feelings about it, or even what it pertains to. You don't really tell us why Twi and company have to check on the tree, granted it is a pretty big deal and if I had a super god tier magic tree in my backyard I'd pay it a visit or two. Also I'm questioning the purpose of aging Spike up. The calendar joke got a chuckle out of me
.
Characterization wise I think your good, nothing I couldn't see the mane six saying or doing. I was a bit surprised at Rainbows lack of suspicion or aggression towards the random bat pony hanging out next to aforementioned god tree though.
Azure seems like an interesting character, her back story could make for some interesting character development. But having it all dumped into a couple of paragraphs probably isn't the best way to do it. Points though for the threstal hereditary gene. World building is seldom a bad thing.
All in all I feel like you rushed the story along to the reveal of Azure, In which case it may have been better just to start from her perspective in the first place. Either that or take the rest of it at a much slower rate. I'd like to direct your attention to the writing guide in the FAQ tab if you haven't already glanced at it. It's allot to take in at first but it's chalk full of good stuff. Other then that just keep working on your writing, there's no better way to improve.
Nice still awesome.
4677110 Thanks for the feedback! I'll take your suggestions into consideration!