Entering the new realm

%1% The resistence commander b,j Blaskowitz Dying atop the stone floors of the now dead Deaths-Head's Compound.
After the ordeal that nearly took his life away he would Look up to the sunset and Give an aching smile As he said to his crew"
Y..Your... Gyaah...Your clear!" his heart would race in dying panic as The Bomb would drop atop of the castle Violently shattering
The concrete of the castle and incinerating Blasko's skin before the shock wave of the bomb crushed his physical body.

Then..silence... He would drift endlessly it seemed.. asleep... and at peace.. But soon that peace of drifting in the void would end
And he woke up with his physical body... Intact? Coming to this realization Blasko would groan getting up to his legs
Before realizing he was alive.. Well.. and healthy! As if being resurrected somehow.. He looked down and around as his 5 senses
Soon came into being.. Crisp clean air.. The View was a set of plains and mountains, And down below was a view of a primitive
Looking village Full of figures he couldnt quite decipher "Is this heaven?" he thought as he would begin to get used to walking again

And Simply trekked down the hills and He would furrow a brow as he saw Cartoonishly colorful equines with clothes houses
Marks on there rumps and even What he heard was them speaking English in a similar dialect "Ok god this must be some sick joke
Only little girls could stand this place!" Shrugging he would press forward onto the dirt pavement into the seemingly peaceful
Town and began to look around.. There was a Massive tree shaped Castle that seemed to have a crystalline glow And shined a rainbow beacon stop the castle.. Other then that the rest of the town looked fairly normal Albeit strange with all the colorful

Equines roaming around.. Tapping on the door of this castle he would Sigh in anticipation and begin to wonder just how the hell he even got here!... The door opens to a Dragon roughly the size of an 8 year old child Whom was wingless and had a purple tint to his scales.. But deffinatley a dragon " Uuhhh.. Can i help you sir? "

Blaskowitz would shake a bit in surprise that the dragon actually talked! But then again this was the same town that had Talking equines so he soon just shrugged it off " Who is in charge here? " He would then see the dragon run Off and looked around..He saw the Crowd just roaming about as he kept waiting...When the dragon came back he Saw a purple unicorn with Pegasus wings and the Most regal dressing he ever saw

"Good morning sir! Im princess twilight sparkle And who might you be? " She looked up and saw a Human with short hair..a Tough looking armored shirt and uniform..He would be carrying a standard rifle on his back..The fact he was somewhat taller then her and had a bulky exterior intimidated her.

"im B,j blaskowitz! Ranger of the united states army.. And i seem to have awoken in the hills of this region! "he said Thinking in his head how ridiculous the situation was..He was a man of ww2 for Christs sakes! Just what is going on to send a tough man like him to a land of sugar and color?... But..it was the most peace he saw in a darn while so he was beginning to accept it

"m..military? OOhhh...sweet celestia i didn't realize you were someone important! "she would panic and gulp before bowing down
At the Human military ranger.." Sorry bout that blaskotits! i get worrisome sometimes "

The dragon would facepalm himself and begin to groan in agony " just worrisome twilight? "he says and began to drink from a cup as he watches blaskowitz

"Blasko would then Sigh as per usual and Look at twilight sparkle with a look of seriousness before saying to her directly " i just want to know where the hell i am and who's in charge of this horse Driven land! he would Begin to get a little annoyed at princess twilights Worrisome attitude

Twilight would take a deep DEEP breath as she calmed down before hearing his request of knowledge Regarding the monarchs of this land..proudly she says "I am The princess of friendship! And the main monarchs of equestria Are named Princess celestia and princess luna There the Goddesses of the Sun and the moon"

Blaskowitz simply Blinked and began to Question this girls sanity. Mares that controlled the sun and the moon? You gotta be kidding me...But then again he has seen zombies mecha hitler The surface of the moon In his world alone...So This wasnt SO far fetched " Alright! well could i at least stay before i can get my brain on straight? "he said to twilight"

Well sure blasko.. Just dont break anything with that strange stick of yours! i fear its magic "she giggled at her little remark and soon the group trotted down the hallway..it was empty so we began to hear Spikes claws tapping the floor...Twilights hooves clip clopping on the floor.. and Blaskos boots Making quiet stomps on the floor...it was unsettling

Then....Blaskowitz saw it...6 thrones Sorounding a centeral 8 pointed star that sparkled ... Marks were ontop of these thrones like the ones he saw on the equines rumps" heh! nice place guys...

Twilight would happily look back at Blaskowitz before Giving him a nod and Sitting down on the Throne with an 8 pointed star on top as her mark" Why thank you Blaskowitz! It was planted by the crate me and my friends have activated When we had to defeat tirek"

Tirek.. Twilight sparkle Equestria celestia Luna and a castle?.. Blasko wasn't in some heaven! This was a fantasy realm or some alien planet stuck in the early 1800s! This meant he was resurrected in some way and blasko would then remark " someone has resurrected me! i .. i know it! i was blown up along with Deaths Head's fortress. I am supposed to be dead... But someone somewhere has resurrected me somehow. I must ask your queen for some answers".

Twilight would then Gulp in worry Before her Horn glowed a bright Magenta And a Golden platted badge with an alicorn in pure copper would be hovered to blaskowitz And he would look at it curiously " what on..uuuhh celestias green earth is this?....some sorta ranking badge?

Twilight then happily sat down with spike and she would calmly say "its the insignia of all Vips in equestria...You wont be Able to go meet celestia without one... "she then sighs as she knew That some trouble would come about if a big man with weapons approached the guards

Blasko would giggle At that and begin to smile happily to the Alicorn "Soooo...I just waltz on over tell them im with the military and Show them this dinky little badge? ...alright! "he would then nod and begin to walk outside of the castle...Closing the doors... And leaving the two behind as he saw the Castle of interest in the distance...So far so good

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Comments ( 19 )

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Dostoron

Dostoron #1 · Jun 28th, 2014 · 5 · ·

you... Need an Editor, i couldn´t even finish this chapter.

ward282

ward282 #2 · Jun 28th, 2014 · 6 · ·

I haven't read this but I'd recommend you change the description for those who haven't finished the game, and before you counter that, I have!

Infinite Evil

Infinite Evil #3 · Jun 28th, 2014 · 9 · ·

Good lord, is this a joke? I'm serious, is this your definition of some stupid joke? My god, this is fucking terrible. If you want to make this into something that is actually coherent and readable, then you sir have quite the job ahead of you.

Where do I start with this fic? Every fucking thing with this fic only aims to hurt it rather than to help it.

Let's start with the title.

Wolfenstein The-New-World

Okay, first off, that title isn't even formatted correctly. There should be a colon after Wolfenstein and I don't even know what's going on with the hyphens. The title is the very first impression you give for your story and managing to fuck that up is one of the worst things you can do.

Let's look at the rest of the cover of this fic: the description.

After Treching through DeathsHeads compounds Slaughtering thousands of his loyal guards And even being forced to kill his own private You would think Blaskowitz would earn His afterlife in heaven.. But as the bombs dropped on the Super fortress of the now dead DeathsHead.. The commander would Wake up in the soft fields and ...peacefull realms of the fantasy creatures... The realm.. Of equestria

Did you slam you head against the keyboard while typing your description? Because that would give a much more coherent description than what this shit is. Did you press shift every time you started another word? Are you fucking Jaden Smith? Even worse, there's not a single period, comma, or any piece of grammar in that description. Even Jaden fucking Smith puts proper grammar in his nonsensical tweets!

You've done fucked up the two most important things when people first see your fic already. I can add the severe lack of a cover picture and all the genre tags to the list of fuck ups, but I feel like I should continue into the fic itself.

The resistence commander b,j Blaskowitz Dying atop the stone floors of the now dead Deaths-Head's Compound.

Holy fuck, I could spend another paragraph on how much you fucked up right there. But I will continue the fic instead, because that will help my point even further.

After the ordeal that nearly took his life away he would Look up to the sunset and Give an aching smile As he said to his crew"
Y..Your... Gyaah...Your clear!" his heart would race in dying panic as The Bomb would drop atop of the castle
Violently shattering
The concrete of the castle and incinerating Blasko's skin before the shock wave of the bomb crushed his physical body.

I'm done. I'm fucking done. This could have been something decent. Something I could enjoy. But no, you had to fuck it up so astronomically, the scientists at the Nazi lunar base are taking notes on this shit, trying to figure out how someone could fuck up so badly.

The only reason why I made this so harsh was because I fucking loved The New Order. I wanted something that did it justice, or at the very least, something that would allow me to enjoy it from the get-go. But no, you wrote this piece of shit and shat upon the Wolfenstein, BJ, and all our hopes for a decent crossover fic.

My advice to you is this: learn the principles or grammar, rewrite this, get an editor or two to go over it, tell them to teach you grammar so you learn it once more, and get a prereader to go over the rewrite so you can know if you have to learn grammar again.

Infinite Evil

Infinite Evil #4 · Jun 28th, 2014 · · ·

4612695 Normally, I try to be neutral when I suggest improvements to less than decent fics. I do honestly think that he could improve upon his fic, despite the fact that the entire fucking thing was made into a giant pile of shit.

But this fic feels like a giant goddamn insult to all those who read it, and doubly so to those who enjoyed The New Order. The grammar is nonexistent, the premise is the same HiE format as every other HiE that has existed and it's short. Coming from someone who enjoyed The New Order, I can find even more of what's wrong with it.

The fucking description spoils the ending to the game. Rule number one to fics that start at the end of a game is to tell the masses that the fic spoils the end of the game. Does he do that? No. HE SPOILS THE FUCKING ENDING OF THE NEW ORDER IN HIS FUCKING DESCRIPTION. Despite the mess of text that is the description, I can still find out how the game ends and I don't appreciate that since there are some people who haven't finished/played the game to begin with.

The first paragraph of this fic fails in many ways. Other than the grammar, which I have stated many times by now, it doesn't capture the emotion of the end of the game. Surprisingly, The New Order has a good story with serious themes and some emotion. The emotion of the end of the game is mainly one of sadness, but it's not a bad kind. BJ has accepted that he will die, but the Nazi regime will fall as a result. He has accepted his death because in war, people die. That's just how it is.

This fic fucks over emotion and just teleports him to Equestria. Literally two paragraphs in. No nothing. He does and poof, Equestria. The fic gets progressively worse as he interacts with Twilight and the other characters. I honestly don't know who he talks with because the fic is so terrible, I ignored half of it.

So yeah. I was a little upset. But anyone with any decency to their standard of reading would be upset upon reading this mess that the author dares to call literature.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #5 · Jun 28th, 2014 · 1 · ·

Hey there! You seem to be attracting a lot of downvotes. Let's see what we can do to mitigate than in the future, no?

Let's start with what I call your cover - that's your title, descriptions, tags, cover art, etc. As someone else already noted, your title has some punctuation issues. It should read "Wolfenstein: The New World," no hyphens necessary.

Now, your short description. Apart from your title, this was the first thing I saw of your story, and, well, it's a bit rough.

B.J. Blaskowitz was expecting to go to heaven when he died in the nuclear ashes of Deathshead's Compound. But instead of angels and pearly gates, it's grasslands and a whole new world.

I've corrected your description for basic mechanics - capitalization, punctuation and so forth. Remember that proper nouns (names of people and places) are always capitalized, and other words aren't unless they start a sentence. I also took out some words I thought were superfluous.

More importantly, though, is the overview this gives me of what your general plot will be - and unfortunately, it's not very compelling simply because it's been done a million times in crossovers or with OCs. "Character X dies/almost dies and goes to Equestria" is old news, and while you could use this storyline to practice some other aspects of writing, it's just not going to grab much attention from a general audience.

When you're writing your description, try to answer two questions for your readers: what is your story about, and what sets it apart from stories that might seem similar? If you do that, your readers will know what to expect and why it won't be a rehash of something they already read.

Moving on to your long description.

After trenching through Deathshead's Compound slaughtering thousands of his loyal guards and even being forced to kill his own private, you would think Blaskowitz would earn his afterlife in heaven. But as the bombs dropped on the super fortress of the now dead Deathshead, the commander would wake up in the soft fields and peaceful realms of the fantasy creatures - the realm of Equestria.

Aside from capitalization and punctuation, there are a few issues I'd like to address. First is your use of the ellipsis (which is three periods, "...", not two). I get the sense you're adding those for dramatic pause, which would be great if someone were reading this in, say, a movie, but as a reader, I find it really distracting when someone tries to tell me precisely how I should read something. Ideally, your words should indicate their own mood and pace without having to resort to clumsy punctuation.

(If you want to be really technical, an ellipsis shouldn't be used to indicate a pause at all, but it's such common practice now I won't take up any more time on the subject.)

Going deeper yet again, I found aspects of your description very confusing and contradictory. For example, you say Blaskowitz should go to heaven after slaughtering thousands of guards, which seems odd for someone like me who isn't familiar with this game. I guess I don't see mass slaughterers fitting in with the typical crowd depicted in heaven. And who exactly is this "he" you referred to? Again, I'm unfamiliar with the source material, and Blaskowitz is the only person you've mentioned, so did he slaughter his own guards? What sense does that make?

Now, before anyone complains that I "shouldn't be whining about a story based on a game I know nothing about," consider this. This is an MLP fanfiction site. The only material you can expect people to be familiar with is MLP. I may be one reader, but I'm willing to bet there are others out there who are just as clueless about Wolfenstein, and chances are your description will turn them away. Maybe you don't really care about that, and that's fine, but if you're looking to appeal to a wider audience, one outside the intersection of the MLP and Wolfenstein fanbases, a bit of explanation is in order.

I don't really have anything to say about your tags, except having the "Mane Six" and "Princess Twilight" character tags seems redundant. Maybe that's just me though.

But enough about your cover. Let's move on to the story itself.

%1% The resistence commander b,j Blaskowitz Dying atop the stone floors of the now dead Deaths-Head's Compound.

Okay. First, mechanics. "Resistance" is misspelled, "B.J." should be capitalized, "dying" should not, and "Deahtshead's Compound" is not hyphenated (I looked it up because you seem to spell it differently every time). I can't for the life of me figure out what the "%1%" is for or what it's supposed to be, so I can't help you there. Finally, this is a sentence fragment. It should read something like, "The resistance commander B.J. Blaskowitz was dying atop the stone floors of the now-dead Deathshead's Compound." Also, how can the "compound" itself be dead? A compound is just a building, right? You could say everyone in the compound was dead, but I'm not sure how a building can be classified as dead when it was never alive to begin with. Or maybe that's a special feature of this particular compound.

After the ordeal that nearly took his life away he would Look up to the sunset and Give an aching smile As he said to his crew"
Y..Your... Gyaah...Your clear!"

Wait, I thought he was dying. It may be splitting hairs, but for all intents and purposes, the ordeal has killed him.

Also, you have some weird line breaks going on. You should break at the end of a paragraph, not mid-sentence. You're writing prose, not poetry.

Reading a bit further, you're abusing the word "would" quite a bit. By that, I mean you really don't need it at all. Also, how did Blasko walk through Ponyville without drawing any attention?

"m..military? OOhhh...sweet celestia i didn't realize you were someone important! "she would panic and gulp before bowing down
At the Human military ranger.

Um... why? She's commanded soldiers before, and in a much more stressful situation ("Princess Twilight"). She might be intimidated, sure, but bowing? Why?

Sorry bout that blaskotits!

Might want to double-check your spelling on that name.

he would Begin to get a little annoyed at princess twilights Worrisome attitude

It concerns me that your protagonist apparently has negative amounts of patience.

Blaskowitz simply Blinked and began to Question this girls sanity.

Right. He's questioning the sanity of the talking cartoon alicorn princess. Questioning is fine, but he's not in a position to question sanity right now.

Well sure blasko.. Just dont break anything with that strange stick of yours! i fear its magic

Why does she call him "Blasko"? He introduced himself as "B.J. Blaskowitz." She has no idea what his nickname is. Also, earlier she seemed to describe his weapon as a "standard rifle," indicating she knows perfectly well how a gun works. Even if that wasn't your intention, why wouldn't she just ask if it was magic?

some alien planet stuck in the early 1800s

What?

its the insignia of all Vips in equestria

VIP is is all caps. Also, considering we've never seen anything like this before, Equestria must have very few VIPs - not even Twilight and her friends seem to qualify.

Blasko would giggle

He doesn't seem the giggling type.

he would then nod and begin to walk outside of the castle...Closing the doors... And leaving the two behind as he saw the Castle of interest in the distance...So far so good

How does he know the castle in the distance is Celestia's and Luna's? For all he knows, the crystal castle is where they'll show up eventually.

I don't have much to say beyond that. I hope what I've said helps you. Happy writing!

Infinite Evil

Infinite Evil #6 · Jun 28th, 2014 · · ·

4613328 I'm glad you were able to actually help him improve my fic, as opposed to me simply yelling at him.

You are a better man than I.

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #7 · Jun 28th, 2014 · · ·

4613356 Comes with lots of practice, and probably the fact that I'm not as picky about spoilers. Not that that's necessarily a bad thing.

Infinite Evil

Infinite Evil #8 · Jun 28th, 2014 · · ·

4613386 It's about how you use them, and the author didn't really use them all to well in my opinion.

TheLizardKing

TheLizardKing #9 · Jun 29th, 2014 · · ·

Aahh well! thanks for the feedback yall! im sure itl help.

Eagle

Eagle #10 · Jun 29th, 2014 · 4 · ·

Uh... man. Ok, before I do a Rage Review on this... are you serious? Is this your first time writing ever? Did you try reading the FAQ or pre-reading or doing something before publishing this?

Because regardless, it's a rushed mess. You want to know what I do with lazy, rushed messes?

Parcly Taxel

Parcly Taxel #11 · Jun 29th, 2014 · · ·

4614486 Like how you use "rage review" for this.

TheLizardKing

TheLizardKing #12 · Jun 29th, 2014 · · ·

Yeah i am gonna be honest! i have had to edit the story a bit just to get it past moderator approval! Changing dialogue so that only 1 character speaks at a time often forgetting some dialogue and making my own Overall These things have made it difficult for my nooby brain to make a decent story!