Pinkie Pie was so curious about human games that I decided to re-theme one of them and introduce it to the Mane Six using an adventure story, starring themselves.
My first house warming party in Equestria should be the ideal moment for this.
A short, first-person story about, well... a story and a game. And a wobbly banana yellow table.
Edit (2014-06-25): I have expanded the last chapter quite a bit. Thanks for the feedback!
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After reading past the human in Equestira first chapter introduction shenanigans, this story within a story is starting to interest me. But he says its a game. What kind? No idea yet...
dun Dun DUN
Lengthy buildup, but very interesting for this moderate length!
Well, the thing that gets me most is the rather underwhelming ending. The buildup with the earlier chapters was nice, but the writing style used for the blue text part doesn't work so well when the ex human is no longer telling the story.
I was hoping for more in the way of character interaction during the actual game part of the story really, and that was just lightly glossed over. The lack of any dialogue exchange contributed to this critisicm I back up strongly.
4596999
And you are right. I've retracted the story until I have improved the last chapter and have given the buildup a better payoff.
I've expanded the last chapter by quite a bit.
4597599 Yep! I'm happy at least. The added scene did its job well, and I find myself wanting to say that it reconnects the characters back to the reader after the narrating from the earlier chapters.
Now, the bigger issue will not be the actual content of the story, but trying to get people to read this in the first place me thinks. Sorry, but I have no real advice to give on that.
Well, maybe try putting this story into groups I guess? The worst they can do is remove it again
followed by mass comments of harsh words.Still though, while this isn't a wide arcing epic, I still liked it. And with my initial issue satisfying resolved with the addition of a single scene and lines that serve similar purpose, I don't see any real problems with this.
Seven half baked potato flavored condiments out of eleven diesel powered emergency vehicals.
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Edit:
P.S. Um, ok I lied. There is the issue of people taking one look at the description and brushing this story off as another Human in Equestria self insert. And admittedly, (I'm not saying to fix it, to be honest I went into this expecting the above in horrid quality, only to be pleasantly surprised) the first chapter does give hints towards this story being the forementioned. The element standing out to me is the human in Equestria having befriended the mane six.
But the story still works fine with that since the focus is on this game the human has to present, not the interactions between the mane six and
authormain character, so it doesn't matter.But people don't know that since the first thing they see is a human turned pony living their fanboy dream, and quit out before the actual point is reached. Don't rewrite the first chapter, I'd imagine that'd be too demoralizing, and I don't think it's neccesary anyways. It's more that description I'm looking at. Cut and paste the latter half to the former half to shift initial focus on the description is the absolute last thing I have to say.
NOW I will leave you alone. Good day, and do keep writing.
4601762
Thanks for the feedback and advice! I'll see if I can find a suitable group.
4596911 I would guess a grimdark roleplay. roleplay most likely, grimdark only possible
not bad at all