Granny Smith passes away, and Applejack is very depressed. The other ponies worry about her as her depression gets worse and worse, but can Twilight help her get over Granny Smith's death?
Chapters (1)
lil-rainbow
Joined 6th Apr, 2012 ·
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Better not be a shipfic.
There isn't much detail. It seems to be mostly dialogue. I'd suggest adding background and descriptions to make this a tad more memorable.
That's sad.
Very good story, but it needs WAY more description - you could at least double the length with adjectives and literary devices. Good work though!
The comments above me are all right. I think you need more detail.
I think the ending went way too fast. More detail in there would make it a much better story. I like the story and the idea, but the execution could have been better.
Overall, good job.
P.S. I'm withholding a vote in case you edit it.
The little voice in my head tells me that there's a plothole thing. Couldn't Twi have levitated AJ to stop her from falling?
other than that, it's a good start.
Thanks for the feedback guys! I'll do a rewrite in the next few days.
You need a lot more detail if you want to gain the proper poignancy that you're looking for here. That being said, I see potential... but it requires a lot more fleshing out.
I've started working on it now - more description, background, detail... anything else?
430202
watch there isnt too much dialog. this isn't a play, as you can (and should) have more of the story in text, not dialog. I cant think of anything else right now.