Episode 5: No Rest for The Elements
{Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to Toku, who harassed me for almost a year to make this chapter. Also, I'd like to say now that the next few chapters will feature Lucid more prominently, along with her two little friends, who I might have forgotten about in the past.}
[Editor's Note: THORAX THERE IS A BOX FOR THIS]
[Thorax's Note to his Editor: But the box is so far away :(]
Those who contemplate death, usually also consider the possibility of an afterlife. There are many possible versions that the creatures of Equestria have created. Some believe it to be an eternal paradise, peaceful and relaxing and place for relaxation and rest. Other believe it a land of infinite adventure, an endless sea of new experience and eternal thrills.
For the Elements of Harmony however, they seem to have received a little of column A, and a little of column B. They had all lived full lives and achieved their goals. They had even saved the world on several different occasions. When they had began to pass away, it should have been a sad occasion. However, when you've got the Sun and Moon as friends, even death cannot separate friends.
The Elements of Harmony much like every other creature in the afterlife, found their pieces of heaven quite welcoming. Whatever they could possible want could be conjured on a whim and the food wasn't half bad either. However, they did have the unfortunate luck of still being the Elements of Harmony, even in death....
"Auntie Celestia, I think we might need a little more help," panted the young Draconequus
"You might be right." The Sun Goddess answered as she finished wrapping another large bandage around her leg. "This is a task that will require more than two gods to complete."
"So does that mean we're going to wait for Dad to get home?" Lucid asked as finally collapsed on the ground, "because Auntie Luna won't be back from her vacation for another week and I don't know where Mom went."
Celestia paused as she realized she hadn't explained what had happened to Nightmare or Discord.
"Well, Lucid sweetie, I've got something I have to tell you." Celestia began as she awkwardly played with her hooves. "You see, last night your mother and your father got into a little fight."
"Which one's on the moon?" Lucid asked flatly as she interrupted her Aunt
"Neither surprisingly, you see, your Father decided it would be a good idea to redecorate you mother's office and by redecorate, I mean replace with a swimming pool."
"Awesome," the Filly mouthed.
"Yeah, Nightmare didn't think it was too awesome, so Discord is currently being used as a coat rack at the castle entrance."
"Well that explains where Dad is, but where is Mom?"
The Sun Goddess gave an awkward laugh as she placed a hoof on the back of her head. "Well you see, after petrifying your father she decided she was going to go take a nap. However, you father also decided to redecorate his bedroom. Currently your mother is somewhere in the depths of Tartarus."
"Well that's good to hear," Lucid said happily. "Mom needs a break every now and again."
Celestia just stared at the filly. "Kid, I worry about you sometimes."
"Just wait," Lucid said excitedly, "Dad said he was going to let me take over Equestria for my Birthday."
"Well that's news to me, either way we'll discuss your Lunar Birthday another time. Right now, we've got a massive problem and possibly no solutio-" Celestia paused as a realization set in a wonderful, awful idea. "I know the perfect six little ponies who could help us out."
---Five minutes later, in the Eternal Fields---
Somewhere in the Land of the Dead five mares sat in an ethereal recreation of one of their favorite places, Sugarcube Corner. These five mares were none-other than five of the six bearers of the Elements of Harmony, a fail safe from the creation of the universe, able to restore harmony to almost any person, place or thing. These five mares were currently enjoying the benefits of their afterlife, mainly the ability to take a five minute break whenever they wanted.
"Darling do you have any threes?" Rarity asked as she cast a glance at Fluttershy and back to her own cards.
"I'm sorry..." Fluttershy answered sadly, "I don't have any threes but if I did, I'd share some with you."
"Well looks like you have to go fish Rarity." Rainbow added with a bored chuckle.
"Please don't be mad at me," Fluttershy pleaded.
Knock, knock, came a loud rapping at the door to the ethereal building
"It's me." Came a regal voice from behind the door.
"Who's me?" Rarity asked suspiciously.
"Princess Celestia..." answered the voice.
"Code Four everypony!" shouted Rainbow Dash as she dived from the table and behind the main sweets display. Several seconds later she arose with a metal helmet covering her head and warpaint on her face.
The other ponies quickly followed their multicolored friends hoofsteps. Rarity flipped the table, launching cards everywhere, turning it into a makeshift barricade. Fluttershy quickly assumed the fetal position in the corner of the room.
Applejack and Pinkie had been hanging out at a rather popular Afterlife beach and quickly found themselves summoned back to the now rapidly fortifying Sugarcube Corner. Nobody needed to tell them what was happening, they had faced this scenario several times. Without a word Pinkie slowly placed a metal war helmet on her own head, before passing one to her orange apple loving friend.
"Let's do this." Pinkie growled as she cocked the shotgun she had pulled from some unseen place.
"Not this time, sugarcube." Applejack said calmly as placed a hoof on the weapon.
Knock, knock came the rapping once again, however this time it was immediately followed by the voice of the Sun Goddess "Hello? you guys are still in there right? You didn't flee out the back door like last time?"
"I knew I was forgetting something," the white Unicorn hissed as she facehoofed. "Yes princess, we're still in here, what do you need?"
"Oh good, I was worried I was going to have to hunt you all again." Celestia answered with a sigh of relief. "Equestria needs you my little ponies."
"That's what you said last week!" Rarity shouted back.
"But I really mean it this time, you're the only ponies who can save Equestria!"
"Well excuse me Princess," Rarity began, "you don't really have a good track record for reasons to bring us back from the Dead." Rarity paused for a second as she tried to remember every time her 'beauty sleep' was ruined. "Oh, no, a horrible monster is attacking my rose garden, I better bring the Elements of Harmony back from the dead."
"Hey that was an accident, I thought it was a monster." Celestia whined.
"Oh no, Discord broke my favorite Sun, I better bring the Elements of Harmony back from the dead. This time so I can trick them into helping me with my revenge scheme."
"I didn't trick you, I just didn't give you all the details!"
Rarity took another breath as she prepared to continue her list of examples. "Oh no, I can't seem to open this pickle jar, I better bring the Elements of Harmony back from the dead so they can help me make this sandwich."
"Okay, in my defense, it was an evil pickle jar." Celestia pleaded, "come on my little ponies, I really need your help this time."
"What do you need us to help you with then?" Rainbow asked suspiciously.
The Sun Goddess gave a nervous chuckle, "well, I can't really explain that here, if it catches on to what we're talking about there will be no way to deal with it."
"Well then, I'm sorry Princess, I truly am, but we can't help you." Rarity answered doing her best to force a bit of sincere sadness into her voice.
"Well then my little ponies, I guess we're going to have to do this the hard way."
"What does she mean by that?" Fluttershy asked nervously.
As if Celestia herself had heard Fluttershy's question a large clawed hand suddenly burst forth from the wall and carefully wrapped itself around the yellow Pegasus before quickly ripping itself back outside of the building.
"One down, four to go!" Celestia shouted victoriously.
"Holy crud." Rainbow Dash muttered as she stared at the large hole in the wall. After a few seconds the wall quickly resealed itself, leaving the four stunned mares in silence.
"Ah vote we surrender." Applejack stated flatly
"I'm with Applejack, I don't think my beautiful mane could handle something like that."
Both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie where about to agree with their two remaining friends. However, they quickly found themselves momentarily blinded by a brilliant white flash.
"Oh gods above she's breached the building!" Shouted Rainbow as she flailed her limbs blindly. "Everyone surrender!"
"Hmm," came a new voice, "not as impressive as I had thought."
The four mares rubbed their eyes as their vision slowly began to return and what they saw had managed to stun them even further. Standing on the table between them was what appeared to be a small black Draconequus.
"Oh gods above," Rarity whispered, "It's a mini Discord."
"Close, I'm actually the only way you're getting out of this still dead." the young Draconequus said smugly.
"What do you mean?" Rainbow asked the young Draconequus as she tried to figure out what games Celestia was trying to play.
"Well you see, my Aunt out there won't stop until she's captured you all. However, I know a backdoor that will buy you at least another day. At the moment, I've got a barrier up. I can keep Auntie Celestia out for about fifteen minutes."
"What's in it for you, Mini Discord?" Rarity asked as she slowly rose from behind her table.
"You help me with my homework." The filly answered flatly
"What?" three of the four mares said in unison.
"It better not be math." Pinkie stated flatly, "I hate math."
"It's nothing like math. You see, at school we have to write a report on famous creatures of Equestria and I'm writing my report on you ponies."
As the realization set in Rarity's felt a jolt of joy, nopony had asked to hear about her in ages and now somebody wanted to write a report on her, the Element of Generosity, the most fabulous pony in all of Equestria. Her eyes shimmered as she thought of all the creatures back in Equestria reading about true fashion.
"Why didn't you say something before?!" Rarity stated excitedly as she returned the table to its proper position. "I could have gotten ready sooner, oh Darling when we're finished you'll have the best report in all of Equestria!"
"Well actually, I just need to know how you all bit the dust." The filly said with an awkward chuckle.
Rarity's expression quickly shifted to a frown, "why would you want to know such a dreadful thing?"
"It's the only thing I couldn't find in the Canterlot Library, there are no confirmed stories for how you all passed away." Lucid said as she showed the white unicorn her report, every page had different information on each mare, some even contained letters they had sent to Princess Celestia. However, every section shared one common detail and that was a lack of explanation to time or date of their deaths.
"See kid, you're asking the wrong pony." Rainbow Dash began as she wrapped a hoof around Lucid. "Miss fancy-pants over here doesn't actually have a story, she went out because of old age. I mean, how lame is that?"
"Don't be absurd Rainbow, there's nothing better than going peacefully. Besides, you can't say that's lame, we all lived longer than you."
"So how did you die, Mrs.Dash?" The filly asked as she opened her report to a blank page and conjured a quill and some ink.
"Well you see kid, it's a true tragedy, I was cut down in the prime of my life." Rainbow began but was quickly cut off by Applejack.
"Ya'll was 93, don't act like it was a tragedy, stupidity is more like it."
Rainbow gave a chuckle "Well, I guess I was a bit out of my prime. But it was still a tragedy. I was minding my own business and going for a causal flight when the most horrible thing happened."
"Don't play stupid Rainbow, Ya'll decided it was a good idea to do a 'Triple Sonic Rainboom' and vaporized yourself on the last one."
"Aww, you didn't have to ruin my awesome story. Beside, none of you were even sad, in fact Twilight gave me a lecture on flight safety literally five minutes after I died." Rainbow said as she thought back to that three and a half hour lecture on why a ninety three year old Pegasus shouldn't try and break the sound barrier let alone the light spectrum.
Now it was Rarity's turn to speak as she placed a hoof on Rainbow's shoulder. "Darling, when the ghost of a loved one tells you they managed to vaporize themselves attempting to break the sound barrier at the age of 93, the only thing one can do is facehoof."
Lucid continued to take down notes as Rainbow Dash attempted to justify her actions. However, it seemed the only reason she had for the cause of death was 'because it would have been awesome'.
"So what about the yellow one? Fluttershy, I believe."
"Flutters went the same way as Rarity, booooring." Rainbow answered as she made her way to the window and checked to see if Celestia was still there. Sure enough, the Sun Goddess and Fluttershy were happily sitting on picnic blanket eating sandwiches and drinking what appeared to be tea.
"Okay, then," Lucid stated as she wrote down a few more quick notes, "how about you Applejack?"
"Well it isn't any thing special, I suppose." Applejack began as she rubbed the back of her head with a hoof.
"Are you kidding?!" Rainbow blurted, "I can almost say what you did was the most awesome thing I had seen."
"What do you mean?" Lucid asked nervously beginning to wonder if this pony had also managed to kill herself breaking the laws of physics.
"Well you see, Applejack's family has a history of basically living forever. Applejack actually lived for so long, that Death himself actually got tired and went to pick her up himself. So when the poor fool shows up to take Applejack away, she kicked him in the mouth and sent him back to the underworld."
"Hey, just wait a darn minute, ah didn't kick him." Applejack stated as she glared at Rainbow, "I made a bet with him."
"So you're telling me you made a bet with Death himself?" Lucid asked, a slight look of surprise on her face.
Applejack nodded, "Ah bet him that he couldn't harvest every apple on the mah farm by sun down. Ah would go with him, but if Ah won he'd have to stop showing up every Tuesday."
"So I guess he managed to pick every apple?" Lucid asked as she continued to take notes.
"She doesn't know," Rainbow Dash answered with a laugh, "she got tired of waiting, stole his carriage and drove herself to the afterlife."
"So you stole Death's carriage?" The Filly asked only a hint of surprise in her voice.
"Ah felt bad for him, so Ah went back and picked him up." Applejack answered, slightly embarrassed at her little venture into grand theft carriage.
"Kid, you seem to be quite accepting that my friend Applejack stole a carriage from Death himself." Rainbow stated as she still had a hard time believing what Applejack had done and she had seen Death's carriage to prove it.
"Oh that's easy, Death watches me when everyone goes on important business trips." Lucid answered happily as she continued writing out notes in her book. "Also, I guess it's been about fifteen minutes, I guess I should help you get out before you tell me the res-"
Knock, knock, came the almost forgotten rapping.
"Go away, Celestia, we already told you we aren't going with you!" Rainbow shouted at the door.
"Celestia went to the bathroom, it's me Twilight," answered the familiar voice.
"Prove it, how do I know you're not a spy? or Celestia in disguise?"
"You thought it would be a good idea to bre-"
"I get it!" Shouted Rainbow, "sweet Sun and Moon, if one more pony tells me it was a bad idea, I'm going to snap." The mare growled as she slowly opened the door revealing their lavender friend.
"Hi girls!" Twilight stated happily as she embraced her rainbow maned friend, "it's been awhile, but I'm sure you know why I'm here, Celesti-"
"Nope." Rainbow stated flatly as she picked up her friend and causally threw her out the front door, making sure to lock it behind her.
"Well then, I guess Auntie Celestia is preparing to brea-" Before the Draconequus filly could finish her sentence she could feel a breach in her barrier. Several seconds later the clawed hand once again burst forth from the wall, this time managing to grab both Applejack and Rainbow Dash.
"I'm not gonna lie," Rainbow said in a mixture of excitement and terror, "this is pretty awesome." And with that, the two ponies were pulled from the building, the wall quickly sealing behind them.
"What do we do now?!" Rarity blurted in terror.
"Don't worry," Lucid stated confidently, "I've got a plan."
---1 minute, 32 seconds later---
"This was a terrible plan!" Cried the white Unicorn as the pounding on the door continued.
"I didn't say it was a good plan!" Lucid shouted in response as she braced the closet door with another barrier.
"Wait a second, where's Pinkie?!" Rarity asked in shock as she realized they may have abandoned the pink mare.
However with a small flash and a pop, Pinkie apparently poofed into existence, partially squishing Rarity as she tried to sit up properly.
"Here I am!" She giggled, "oh, are we still playing hide and seek? I love hide and seek!"
"No Pinki-"
"You two hide, I'll count to ten, 1...2..3... why aren't you two hiding?"
"Pinkie, why don't you tell me how you died?" Lucid asked trying to change the subject and get the hyperactive mares attention.
The pink pony laughed at the question, "don't be silly, nobody dies in cartoons."
Rarity gave a sigh as she readjusted herself. "Pinkie, how many times do I have to tell you; this is real life, not a cartoon."
"Don't tell Rarity," Pinkie whispered to Lucid, "I think the truth might break her."
Rarity gave another sigh as she stared at her probably insane friend. "According to Twilight, our dear friend Pinkie here didn't actually die. Apparently Pinkie achieved the ultimate sugar rush and achieved a higher level of existence. But I'm almost certain that was just a nice way of saying Pinkie overdosed on sugar."
"When I close my eyes the Abyss calls to me," Pinkie stated calmly and without emotion, "It sounds like the mall on a Tuesday."
"That's good to kno-" Rarity began but was cut off by approaching hoof-steps, after several seconds the sound of hooves quickly faded stopping just outside of the closet.
Knock, knock.
"Yes, princess?" The white Unicorn asked nervously.
"One last chance for you to surrender, my little pony." Celestia stated calmly, no hint of tiredness or anger, just her normal sweet voice.
"I'm sorry princess, but we refuse to surrender."
"Very well," a hint of sadness slipping into Celestia's voice, "I was hoping I'd never have to resort to something this horrendous, but sometimes the evil we're willing to risk will surprise even ourselves."
Rarity felt a bolt of fear run through her as her imagination began to run wild.
"My dear Pinkie Pie are you in there?" Once again came the sweet voice of the Sun Goddess.
"Yes-sir-y Princess Celestia, what do you need?" Answered the party pony.
"Chimicherry or cherrychanga?" The Princess asked a hint of remorse in her voice.
"Oh that's easy," Pinkie began to answer, "Chimicherry.... no wait Cherrychanga, no Chimicherry.... wait Chimicherrychanga or can it be Chimichangacherry?"
"You monster!" Cried the white Unicorn as she threw herself from the closet, landing at the Sun Goddesses hooves. "You truly are an evil, evil pony."
"I'm so, so sorry my little pony, I never meant for it to go this far." Celestia responded as she tried to comfort the tortured pony.
"You win Celestia, we'll do what you want, just make Pinkie stop," pleaded the mare.
---Five minutes later, back in Canterlot---
The six mares stood inside the royal living area with mixed looks on their faces. Most of them had expected this and wore looks of displeasure or anger. However, some of them were genuinely surprised at the levels of laziness their Princess of the Day could reach. In comparison, sending six mares to deal with a dragon sleeping above a small town all because you'd miss your favorite show if you went yourself, is pretty lazy. However, what was currently happening took the cake.
"Now you'll need to work as a team," Celestia began, "if three of you grab one side, and the other three get the second side, it'll work much better. Careful though, it's a brand new couch and I don't want it to get ripped."
It was at this point that most of the Elements snapped and the group began to wonder whether the dead could suffer from alcohol poisoning.
Needless to say, three Elements took the express route back to the land of the dead and the other two were far too intoxicated to help move a couch, so they were dropped off literally on Death's door step. Sadly for Death it was his day off, his first day off in over three hundred years.
Twilight Sparkle eventually woke up in the arcane tower, several inappropriate images doodled on her face.
Celestia eventually remembered she was a god and just commanded the couch to where she wanted it. After roughly an hour of use, she decided the couch was rather uncomfortable and banished it to Tartarus.
Nightmare was making great headway on her trek back to Equestria. However, as she made her final approach toward gates of Tartarus she was struck by what appeared to be a rather uncomfortable couch.
Lucid presented her report to a rather hung over Twilight Sparkle and received an A+ for remaining a hundred percent accurate to the events, as well as noting where and when Twilight had misplaced her belongs during.
Discord was eventually able to break free from his stone prison and found a rather nice looking coat. After roughly a day of trying to get back on his wife's good side, he was told he'd have to sleep on a rather uncomfortable looking couch Nightmare had found lying around.
What I'm trying to say here people, is don't buy cheap couches, it'll ruin everyone's day.
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I like it. Reminds me of a fic I once read where Celestia sent the Bearers on a quest for more coffee.
Can't..... Stop....... Lagughing
Help!...
...can't finish... 
... reading!
...laughter!
Too much...
bollocks I got a leather couch for 50 pounds and it is amazing. I got it off of gum tree and it really was a good deal given that I am a college student.
Simply amazing!
Because as we all know, crappy couches are the root of all evil.
what an interesting chapter this was Thorax
constantly leaving the same comment on journals posts for around a year is a good way to get things done.
also, isn't nightmare called pleasant dreams in this story series?
Good lord, this is silly. (I think "you tried to make us move a couch" is probably the silliest reason they've been pulled back yet.)
2543810
Random potential silly explanation: she goes back to Nightmare during PMS.
2543810
It depends on who it is. Essentially everyone from Equestria's Crazies still calls her Nightmare, even though she goes by Pleasant Dreams now.
Awesomerific chapter by the way, the next big question on my mind is, "what chapter should i bug you to write for this year?"
Also dam those cheap couches
2543875 2543898
I like the PMS explanation better. maybe being in tartarus was actually a reference to PMS
2543810 I think so, but at the same time I can only find her being called Nightmare in the first chapter, so that might mean something. And by something I mean other than Thorax is a forgetful changeling who needs to ask his queen for a memory upgrade.
2543915
2543944
I have a memory as good as any other Changeling!
2543963
you forgot twilight wasn't dead AND lucid had friends
2544083
He has a point. You also forgot Luna had a secret lab that one time.
2544106
2544083
Tesla coils.
This chapter is pure, 24 carrot comedy gold.
This makes the wait worth it 100 times over.
You cruel, sadistic, son of a BUYSOMEAPPLES! That is a fate that no mare, colt, stallion, or filly deserves.
Chimicherry or cherrychanga? FREAKING DAMMIT TROLLESTIA!!!
He is back! and also he is back to his usual standards
well good story I faved and like it now im going to jump into the void and gain 4th wall powers peace!
The sad thing? That has to be some of the best advice I've ever gotten...
...and that was how Celestia ruined Christmas
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...!!!
2544120
Soo...all of the Mane 6 are dead ?
2543484
"Space Balls 2: The Search for More Money"
Sounds like Celestia's kind of thing. She'd probably make the Elements direct it for her.
2551784
Except Twilight.
She has some magic as blood stuff going on which made her almost immortal.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
.
.
.
.
.
"I'm sorry..." Fluttershy answered sadly, "I don't have any threes but if I did, I'd share some with you."
<SNIP>
"Please don't be mad at me," Fluttershy pleaded.
-Awwwww... so very 'shy.
you guys are still in there right?
-Capitalization
Applejack stated flatly
-Period needed.
"she got tired of waiting, stole his carriage and drove herself to the afterlife."
-That is fairly badass, yes. Although why she couldn't wait for sundown... unless Celestia was cheating in Death's favor?
Apparently Pinkie achieved the ultimate sugar rush and achieved a higher level of existence. But I'm almost certain that was just a nice way of saying Pinkie overdosed on sugar.
-Both entirely plausible.
"When I close my eyes the Abyss calls to me," Pinkie stated calmly and without emotion, "It sounds like the mall on a Tuesday."
-What is this a reference to, if anything?
"Chimicherry or cherrychanga?" The Princess asked a hint of remorse in her voice.
-Right...
What I'm trying to say here people, is don't buy cheap couches, it'll ruin everyone's day.
Also, good connectivity with Discord sleeping on that particular couch.
-
2555609
Almost immortal ? WHat does that mean ?
2573563
If I remember correctly she is pretty much ageless.
I think.
2574168
Oh..
I don't know how "cheap" are cheap clothes anymore.
2585879
Sooner or later he'll turn up, I'm sure.
cant celestia just magically make the couch more comfortable?
2615034
Uncomfortable couches are beyond the powers of a god.
2708697
I do enjoy Disney, the references only happen for the things currently on my mind though, I don't plan for them.
2551357 yes darth vader
2615054
They are truly a threat XD
2922743
Currently, I'm sitting on a rather uncomfortable couch.
I believe that is my punishment for the last chapter.
2923917
I found it nice, seriously
oh my god, that last line made me crack up!
I love this story so far 
*Alondro the Troll God approves of this madness*
I love this chapter so much! LOL
I was kinda expecting the elements to try banishing Sunbutt.