Rainbow Dash takes a nap

by NLRscout

Revelations

"D-dead?" Rainbow Dash's voice wavered slightly when the question was let out. "What do you mean dead?" The bony pony sighed and shook his head.

"I mean gone, no longer living, not alive, passed away, departed. Dead. Dead dead if you must know. You died trying some stupid stunt too close to the ground and now, all you are is a grease spot and a memory. Sorry to put it into terms like this, but it seems like that's the only way I could get it through your thick head." He shook his head morosely as Rainbow's face contorted into a jumbled mix of emotion. The most prominent? Denial. The six stages of the grieving process. He knew it all to well and expected what Rainbow Dash was about to say.

"Yeah right, I'm Rainbow Dash, the iron pony. Nothing can kill me. Not even death!" Moving to a defencive stance, Rainbow Dash pointed an accusing hoof at the hooded pony. "Stop trying to freak me out!" Rainbow dash spread her wings, and with a mighty flap, took to the skies. The only place she truly felt at home. She had to get away, forget about that stupid, freaky pony and the lies he was spewing.

Flying along to calm her nerves, Rainbow Dash spotted another one of her friends. Pinkie Pie. Sighing in relief at finding somepony she could talk to about the weird things happening today, she eagerly flew down to meet her pink pony pal. Upon landing, Rainbow felt uneasy, like the was something pulling at her, but she shrugged it off and walked up to Pinkie. Immediately she knew something was wrong. No longer did Pinkie have her trademark smile, nor her unexplainably poofy hair. Instead, she donned a frown and her mane seemed to be doing the same thing, if that was even possible. Wanting to help her friend anyway she could, Rainbow spoke up, "Hey pinks, what's got you down?" No response was given from the pink pony as she lumbered along the beaten path. Slightly angered by this, Rainbow Dash raised her voice, "Do you have hay in your ears or what?! What's the matter!" Still Pinkie gave no response and kept walking. Rainbow Dash's anger increased as she let out a frustrated groan.

"I keep telling you, but you don't seem to listen. Why is that?" Rainbow Dash whipped around and found the creepy hooded pony from earlier behind her. Still angry, and happy for an outlet, Rainbow lashed out at him. Cocking her foreleg back, she released all her anger into this one punch, making sure she would be satisfied. Right before it connects to the mysterious pony's face, he says, "That's not going to help you." Her hoof connects to his jaw... or so she thought, until her hoof passed straight through him, herself along with it. After hitting the ground with an *oof!*, she sits up quickly and has an infuriated look on her face.

"YOU!" The hooded pony looks around his shoulders, as if to make sure she was talking to him. Afterwards looks back at her and uses the same tone she did.

"ME!" He replies, Rainbow storms right into his face and flips his hoodie back. What she sees, shocks her to the core. The skull of a pony, no flesh or muscle anywhere in sight, locking the pony's face into a twisted perma-grin. Where eyes once sat, lie bottomless pits of darkness, only a small ember rims the eye socket, showing a ghastley effect of the undead. Rainbow's face contorts into one of disgust and horror.

"No! It can't be! You're only in story books!" Rainbow says as she falls backwards onto the grass. Her hooves prying for traction to escape the icy cold glare of-

"Its true honey, I'm death."

Author's Note:

If this gets decent ratings, I'll pop out a new chapter every couple days until the story ends. Thanks for reading, leave a like, comment or do whatever you want!

Comments

[DismantledAccount]

It's a decent try, I'll give it that. But you've got some grammatical errors that could be cleaned up with the help of an editor.

Though, the main problems of this story are more of style choice than grammar. First of all, it's rushed. Second of all, you've got some pretty major "telling" going on. Fix those, and your story will improve. There are probably more, but a story is like an onion, to me. I gotta work in layers to find everything.

Besides that, I'll give it a like, I guess.

See the site Writing Guide for more help.

[ponyartist]

Not baby I liked it enough to see if you keep going with it and what you'll do. If I may make a suggestion maybe you could through a little splash of silent hill in their but that's just me.

[NLRscout]

4363200 Thanks for the comment, and yeah, I realize it's pretty rushed, but that's also why the chapters are so short. In my experience, not a whole lot of people want to read walls of text explaining menial things. The 'telling' is also due to the chapter length, if I didn't do that, there wouldn't be any sort of progression. If you would like me to write longer chapters, I will, I was just under the impression that nobody liked really long chapters that drag on. About the editor and grammatical errors, I apologize. I'm not the best at sorting those out, but I try, and I can't find an editor. Anyways, thanks again for the comment, hope I didn't sound like a dick.

[Tailgate]

I was hoping for something more subtle like Scoots Company was; http://www.fimfiction.net/story/180633/scoots-company

[NLRscout]

4365696 Sorry it wasn't was what your expected, hope you enjoyed it nonetheless.

[Tailgate]

4370977 No need to be sorry, it was a great story never the less. Sometimes being the opposite of subtle can bring quite a laugh

[NLRscout]

4371978 I was going for dark humour so if you laughed, I've done my job. Thanks for commenting!