Twilight has a problem. She's been Ponyville's librarian for more than a month now, but nopony has ever actually checked out a single book! It seems the only time anypony visits the library is for impromptu parties and because the world needs saving. Well, no longer! Twilight has a plan, and she'll see a book checked out today if it kills her. She really hopes it doesn't come to that though.
Takes place sometime during the first season. A short story I wrote to relieve stress and relax.
This is my first fanfiction, please be nice. Though, I would love constructive criticism, and any help with grammatical/spelling errors.
Chapters (1)
Wow. Are you sure this is your first Fanfiction, cos this is excellent!
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Thanks! That actually means a lot to me hearing someone say that, really!
Really fun story. I loved how you wrote Twilight, her reactions and conclusions seem very in character. It was a very enjoyable read. There were a few grammar errors and whatnot, but nothing completely terrible. Since you asked in your description, here's some of what I saw.
First, reread your story for basic spelling/mismatched words errors like
It should be "Lost in thought", not "lost in thoughts"
Your descriptions could use some work.
That just sounds weird. When I read it, I was picturing a pinto mare with pink spots, not Fluttershy. Besides, try not to use basic color words to describe the characters, it sounds boring.
Italicize Twilight's thoughts! I cannot stress the importance of this enough. It's really frustrating because I have to read the paragraph twice to figure out what is going on. Also, when Twilight is reading the book, separate that into a new paragraph and italicize it, perhaps with quotes as well. This will make it so much easier to understand what you are trying to say.
Get rid of the 'said-isms', they aren't necessary and make your dialogue very tiresome. For example
Other than spelling ask wrong, this is just repetitive. You don't need to say he/she asked/exclaimed/said/shouted/questioned/replied after dialogue. It should be implied from the way you write it.
First, said-ism. Second, description (please think of something better than orange
) Third a major pet peeve of mine. If you are describing her coat use "coat" not hair. Horses have hair, but the word "hair" should be used only when describing a strand or two, not the entire coat. Just awkward to read.
So there's an abbreviated review of the story. Hope it helps. Despite the little errors, it was a fun read
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Thanks for the help! Really, this is exactly what I needed. I should probably stop publishing in the middle of the night, and re-read what I wrote in the morning so I can avoid so many mistakes next time.
I'll probably get around to editing later this weekend when I have more time.
Very sweet. Nicely done:)