Story One: The electrified tension between the past and present
After a drunken question on how to become braver, Pinkie Pie hands her a horror novel with the advice to keep in mind that it is only a story, but when a pony off the edge of the forest bears a striking resemblance to the pony in the story, Fluttershy realizes the worst.
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Princess Celestia had awaken to raise the sun, finding her sister still on the balcony overlooking the stars in the same spot when she had risen the moon.
Awakened. And would that be when, or where?
Fluttershy woke up in the peace of her cottage, several of her critter friends waking up before her, standing on the windowsill to see the sunrise of their Princess.
This implies that Fluttershy was the one standing on the windowsill, since she's still the subject of the sentence. Possibly it should be reworked a bit to clear that up.
climbing out when the sun had become to bright to look at.
Too bright.
She raised a gently hoof
Gentle.
This had to be Twilight, of course, she lived here.
Since this was just stated a few sentences ago, it feels rather redundant. Maybe you could just say that she recognized Twilight's voice.
Sure, she was a bit tipsy, but you what they say."
You know what they say, perhaps?
Fluttershy could picture Rainbow Dash crossing her hooves.
That's great, but I can't. How would that even work? I'm imagining Dash rising onto her back legs and giving Twilight a gangster sign. Of course that doesn't matter too much since we can't actually see what's going on, but the idea of that happening is rather ridiculous.
"What is it do they say?"
This sentence feels rather awkward. The "do" looks especially out of place.
At another moment of silence, Fluttershy took her chance to let herself in with a polite hello, although she didn't actually take a step inside the house.
Contradiction.
Fluttershy knodded,
Nodded.
Fluttershy tried to ignore it, walking for a few more steps before abruptly turning around and racing home at the speed of 2.3 wing power.
Generally it's better to write out numbers smaller than a hundred, since it doesn't distract the reader with its sudden jump from letters to numbers. Thus you would have two-point-three instead of 2.3, seventy-five instead of 75, and so on.
I'm so sorry, Rarity. I'll make it up to you.
What does Rarity have to do with anything?
"Fine!" she yelled, startling Angel, as she jumped in front of the book, and ventured it's brittle tale.
brittle (adj.)
1.Inflexible, liable to break or snap easily under stress or pressure.
2.Not physically tough or tenacious; apt to break or crumble when bending.
...4.Emotionally fragile, easily offended.
I don't think that word means what you think it means. Also I'm not sure why she's suddenly leaping after the book after she backed away so hastily; it's like a dog teasing an angry cat, jumping back and forth with unstable excitement. And I'd suggest it be "ventured into its tale" or something like that, as without a preposition it looks a bit awkward.
Anyway for this first part it seems rather rushed, particularly with Fluttershy traveling to and from the library; it basically skips over all of that. There's also the fact that it's rather confusing. If the summary hadn't told us that she'd been semi-drunk the previous night, we'd have no idea what Twilght and Dash were arguing about, since Pinkie only tells us the point of the book in one brief line. (There's also the fact that Fluttershy doesn't have any hint of a hangover, but depending on how much she drank I suppose I can let that slide.)
It would probably help to have description too, since I'm finding it hard to picture just what's going on. And be careful of slipping into present tense.
I wound up a roadside cafe, the speckled tile sight to behold after a lifetime of dirt roads and weed floors.
"I wound up in" and "speckled tile a sight".
The nice unicorn started yelling at the gang, but this time he was armed and did not flinched.
This time? As opposed to what? It doesn't seem like the narrator has ever seen the gang before anyway.
And it's "did not flinch".
Shall I take a peak?"
That would be "peek", unless there are suddenly mountains for sale.
The unicorn skimmed the first couple of pages, making muttered comments enveloped in a blue glow. Fluttershy jumped when Rarity shouted out on comment louder than the others.
I didn't know comments could have a blue glow. And it should be "one comment", and what exactly is that one comment anyway?
I whipped my head around to face a small filly, an earth pony with colors I could determine in the low lighting.
Since you don't mention what colors those are, I think you meant to put "couldn't determine" there instead.
Rarity finally gave back Fluttershy control of her own body who immediately jolted, ramming into a wall.
Wait, so was Rarity possessing Fluttershy this whole time?
It invades me mind,
And apparently it turned Fluttershy into a pirate.
Once inside, Rarity once again to the conversation by storm,
Needs a verb somewhere.
the earth mare set back the phone and looked up at the unsettled unicorn and brooding pegasus.
Do they even have phones in Equestria? That seems rather egregious.
"You too!" she yelled
Fluttershy doesn't yell. Call, perhaps, but not yell.
Those eyes had Fluttershy by the her delicate throat, threatening to take away everything she held precious to her heart.
Either "the" or "her", not both. And if Tesla Hart just left, how could her eyes still be actively disturbing Fluttershy?
the pull raising up into her conscious
Consicousness.
Fluttershy was almost surprised that she new the house so well,
Knew the house.
It's fine if you get nightmares after thinking about a horror store or terror film
Story, unless Fluttershy freaks out at seeing the Nightmare Night decorations in the market.
but whether she was fascinated by the rows of carefully arranged fabric of with the sparkling white coat of the unicorn's now slightly jealous girlfriend was unapparent,
That first "of" should be "or". And if the slightly jealous girlfriend has a sparkling white coat, does that mean Fluttershy is the unicorn?
to make up for the day the already slender pegasus hadn't been able to able to eat.
Too many "able to"s.
the other two kinds of ponies, however, nearly falling to sharp breathes and spastic muscles.
Not a complete sentence.
so I suspect Bubble will wake up in his rightful with nothing more than a migraine."
Wake up in his rightful what?
Anyway. This whole thing is confusing, and while some confusion is okay since the unknown tends to be a scary thing, the sheer number of unanswered questions makes it seem somewhat bizarre. Why would Pinkie give Fluttershy such a dangerous book if she knew full well that it might lead to somepony's death? Since she isn't Cupcakes!Pinkie, she shouldn't be happily pawning it off to an innocent bystander just because they need to learn "how to be brave". I'm also not sure what the book's story had to do with anything, unless it had something to do with Tesla's past. But yeah, nothing really adds up here.
There are also some words that should be combined together in here, such as "everypony" and "egghead." But that's more of a minor thing.
390608
You know what... this can't be a short story...
I could make this something I write in my spare time as practice to make things coherent.
Thank you for the edits and sorry I couldn't catch the obvious ones before. (Especially when I skip words in sentences... I even do that when I talk! gah.)
Part of why I wrote this story was to test out a new method of prewriting to see if I could follow myself and whatnot, but I guess I need to be more clear in my planning before it transfers on into the actual writing.
===
And yes, there are mountains for sale, or half off with the purchase of a hill at full price. Get yer scenery from Posey's Pirate Garden Patio!
===
Princess Celestia had awaken to raise the sun, finding her sister still on the balcony overlooking the stars in the same spot when she had risen the moon.
Awakened. And would that be when, or where?
I don't understand the when or where part. You mean if she awakened before sunrise or if she awakened in the palace?
----
I'm so sorry, Sparkler. I'll make it up to you.
What does Sparkler have to do with anything?
I think I forgot. In this story, Fluttershy and Rarity are a pair, and possible the trickiest thing for me to write about.
392482
No problem. I was glad to help out.
The when/where thing is a bit tricky, but it's like this. If Luna is on the spot when she raised the moon, then no time has passed and Celestia shouldn't be surprised to see her there. If she's there on the spot where she raised it, then any amount of time may have passed. It's a temporal/spacial thing.
Anyway, expanding this seems like a good idea. Practice makes perfect, and it'll be interesting to see where this goes! If you're not sure about something while you're doing it, just let me know.