Ziox: now with Lapatithamine
The doctor stepped to the side as the stream of green hit the wall with a heavy, wet smack.
Slowly, with growing horror, the doctor traced the sagging streamer from where it stuck to the wall, across the room, and to the nose of the poor stallion it had come from.
“... gesundheit.”
“Dank yew.”
“Well, there’s no denying it; your allergies are MUCH worse this year, Blueblood.” The patient gave his doctor a miserable look, a raised eyebrow, and said nothing.
“Ahem. Yes. Well. We’ve actually been seeing a lot of this, this year. Not nearly as bad as yourself, but many ponies have been coming in with highly aggravated allergies. You have nothing to worry about, this year the earth ponies and the pegasi have been working on some project together and the pollen count has been abnormally high. Next year should be back to normal, and your allergies along with it.”
Blueblood stopped trying to cut through the tether of mucus with a tissue and gave Dr. Booster Shot a pleading look. “Is dere anyding you can do for tonight, dough? It’s da Grand Galloping Gala! I can’t miss dat and leave Auntie to face it all alone! And I can’t go now and spend the whole night sneezing on everyone! I mean, it would be funny, yes, but also terribly rude!”
Booster Shot rubbed her chin. “Well… normally, there’d be nothing we could do for you. As luck would have it though, a new antihistamine just came out that I think might work. The side effects would normally keep me from prescribing it except for the most extreme cases, but... for one evening, I think it’ll be fine.”
Blueblood gave his physician a deeply grateful look. Before he could say the words though, another sneeze seized him and only the reflexes born from years of medical practice saved her from a faceful of phlegm.
“... let’s get you that prescription. Right now.”
“Sniffff. Yes, please.”
•§•§•§•§•
Back in his room, Blueblood hunched over a steaming mug of tea and read the bottle of his new medicine.
“Let’s see… Ziox: now with Lapatithamine? Huh. Odd name. Okay, so… ‘Do not operate heavy machinery after taking. Do not perform complex magic after taking. Do not mix with alcohol or other medications. Do not exceed physician prescribed dosage. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, the following: dizziness, drowsiness, dry mouth, nausea, confusion, clumsiness, low blood pressure, high blood pressure, headache, loss of appetite, swelling of the abdomen, ringing in the ears, hives, hot flashes, cold flashes, restlessness, nervousness, excitement, trouble sleeping, nightmares, blurred vision, tunnel vision, muscle spasms, tingling in the extremities…”
Blueblood read on for another few minutes.
“… visual hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, temporary partial hearing loss, temporary complete hearing loss, temporary inability to use magic, temporary inability to sing, temporary inability to dance, spontaneous changes in mane color, spontaneous discordification, compulsive gambling, restless leg syndrome, roving eye syndrome and wandering heart syndrome but hey, at least you’ll be able to breathe again’? In dear sweet Auntie’s name, why would anyone ever take-”
At that moment, something in the Prince’s nasal cavity decided to come loose and make a break for it down his throat. Several minutes of gagging and hacking later, the Prince was ready to risk it.
•§•§•§•§•
Blueblood cantered through the entry halls of the palace, breathing clearer than he’d ever breathed before! His nose, his throat… they’d never felt so clean! It was like he could smell everything now! In fact… yes! He had to head out to garden and smell all the flowers now. All of them!
A gentle breeze picked up, and Blueblood found himself lost in his newfound nasal insight; the scents of the flowers, the aromas of the food, the faint tickle of perfumes and colognes. Before this night, had he ever truly known his own nose?
I could stand out here and just sniff things for the whole evening! But... no, no. I’m here for Auntie. I’ll do a little mingling, then join her on reception duty. Between the two of us, we should be able to say hello to everyone and give her some time to enjoy the Gala. A flash of white in the dark of the garden caught his eye.
There, delicately sniffing one of the roses, was a radiant vision. Her alabaster coat and violet mane caught the eye and held it; her carriage cried of refinement and her coiffure was simply magnifique... this was a mare to know.
Trying not to appear too eager, Blueblood approached the mare and introduced himself. “Well, hello. I am Prince Blueblood.” Despite himself, he couldn’t stop smiling like a foal and his head was practically swimming just from being this close to her.
With a voice that seemed almost a song, she introduced herself before one particular flower caught her eye. “Oh my, what a lovely rose!”
“You mean… this rose?” Blueblood bent down and picked the blossom with his mouth, a brazenly forward gesture for a unicorn, and for a mare he’d just met. With her dress and coat, this would look striking next to her-
Blueblood blinked.
The mare he’d been talking to had left without a word before he’d had a chance to offer her the rose. Smiling at him now was a new mare, one with a fabulous dress, a teal coat and lime-green mane in a coiffure that was simply magnifique. Blueblood froze halfway into giving her the rose, shocked at how close he’d come to offending her with such a clashing addition to her ensemble.
Thinking quickly, the Prince jerked the rose back and fumbled for a reason he’d been holding the flower. ’I was going to give this to someone else’ would just be crass, after all…
“Thank you! It goes with my eyes.” Blueblood smiled and nodded. Good save!
•§•§•§•§•
Blueblood was starting to get worried. Every mare he’d spent the evening with so far had run off after ten minutes without even so much as a goodbye! He considered himself lucky that there always seemed to be a new mare ready to be seen with him, so at least he wasn’t lonely… he just wished they’d stick around for a while and let him get to know them! Or at least let him know what he was doing wrong. He discretely huffed into his hoof again and sniffed, but it still smelled minty fresh to him.
Sighing inside and trying to keep a polite smile on outside, Blueblood plopped down on the cushion. Just now, as he’d been about to suggest they share a seat in the garden and stargaze for a bit, his latest companion had vanished like all the rest. There was a new mare as well, with a subdued neon pink coat and an electric gray mane, but as brash as he was, the Prince couldn’t very well invite a mare he hadn’t even said a word to to cuddle up next to him. He had to admit through, her coiffure was magnifique.
•§•§•§•§•
Blueblood blinked.
When did Auntie have a swimming pool installed in the main hall? And why aren’t there any lifeguards? At least the mare from the start of the evening had rejoined him, looking sweeter than ever. While all the other mares had worn dresses clearly inspired by hers, she pulled it off with much greater elan. Plus, her coiffure was still magnifique!
Blueblood gasped when he realized that she wasn’t looking where she was going, and was headed straight for the pool! With a cry of her name and a hoof to block her path, Blueblood exclaimed “Stop!”
Suddenly realizing where she was and what had nearly happened, she looked up at him. “Oh! Prince Blueblood! How chivalrous…”
“One would hate to slip.” That was close… she could’ve fallen in and hurt herself… ruined her mane… or even dissolved! Blueblood smiled down at the marshmallow pony at his side.
“Yes! One certainly would…” She snuggled up to him, clearly grateful for having been saved from what would surely have been a sticky end.
Blueblood looked around, but the pool stretched on as far as he could see. There was no way they could walk around it before the Gala ended, and although he was enjoying her company, Blueblood had a duty to at least say hello to Auntie Celestia sometime tonight. If only we had a boat, or a raft or something… he thought, before noticing the suspension bridge his date was wearing as a cloak. Perfect! “One’s cloak should take care of the problem…”
“Oh, of course it will.” It was the work of only a moment before the permits were signed, the plans approved, the heavy machinery rented and the bridge erected over the enormous expanse of water.
Blueblood trotted along, eager to introduce Auntie to the mare who was swiftly proving to be the filly of his dreams.
•§•§•§•§•
Blueblood blinked. Was that… singing?
He looked around, trying to find the source of the music or least see if anyone else was hearing it. No luck on either count, and he noticed that he’d lost his date again. The new mare with the sunset-colored coat and the nebula-colored coiffure (so magnifique!) looked at him just as they reached the door.
The Pony Pokey, huh? Catchy! Blueblood couldn’t help himself and started bobbing his head in time with the song… and his companion started bobbing as well! Giddy with a new song and someone to dance with, he followed the singer’s instructions.
You tilt your head in~
You tilt your head out~
You tilt your head in~
Then you shake it all about!
You do the Pony Pokey even though you date’s a- hey!
Blueblood stopped bopping along and snorted. What a rude song! If that’s how it’s going to be, I think we ARE better off without… hmph!
•§•§•§•§•
It had been a long and grueling journey. He’d met many allies and grown to love them all, even though to a one they had all left him far, far too soon. One in particular, the first, filled his thoughts and sent his heart aflutter, and he harbored the private hope that when his quest was complete he might find her again.
For now, he was following his most recent guide through these strange lands… a mare with an A♭ coat and a cosine mane, who said she knew of a place to eat in this surprisingly lush wasteland. He knew she could be trusted, since her dress was like that of all his allies, and an omen such as that could not be ignored. That her coiffure was magnifique only further cemented his faith in her.
As she made arrangements with the Lady of the Oasis, Blueblood closed his eyes and focused. Attack could come at any time, and if he was not perfectly balanced, it would mean doom for them all. The very worst kind of doom! An off-kilter, unbalanced doom!
After several long hours - nay, days - nay, weeks! - nay, moments of negotiation, his guide returned and spoke to him in her peculiar low and throaty dialect.
“A-hem.” I have secured our provisions, but we should not tarry. It is not safe here.
“He-hem.” I cannot thank you enough for this. Yea, I would be a bleached skeleton, covered with ivy without you to save me.
“Ah-HEM.” Are you sure you cannot give up your quest and stay with me? I could teach you the ways of the garden, and we could be happy here.
“He-hrm!” If I were to give up here, I would be unworthy of you. No, I must see this through to the end, and pay homage to the Aunt of Light and Fire. I will never forget you, though. The wanderer returned to his meditations, until the food was presented to him.
Mmm… fritters… heh, fritters sounds like critters. I’m a critter. Wait… you are what you eat. I’m eating fritters. I’M GOING TO TURN INTO A FRITTER!! Is that like a clown? I’ll be a carnival clown fritter pony! Are they even ponies? I don’t want to live in a tent! In a panic, Blueblood spat out the deadly trap.
"Bleh! Ugh! Fritters! Dumplings! Caramel apples?! My royal lips have touched common carnival fare! I'm going to the buffet for some…” Think think think, what can save you, you can’t eat a critter now, that could turn you into anything, what would- ah! Pony, horse, hors… “...hors d'oeuvres."
Legs still weak from the near brush with disaster, Blueblood managed to control his shaking and strike out for the direction of the main hall.
•§•§•§•§•
He KNEW it! They were out to get him! He’d just dodged one pastry bullet to walk into a pastry artillery strike!
With reflexes honed by years on the front lines of the Baked Bad Battles of Buckingham, Blueblood grabbed the marshmallow pony next to him and intercepted the incoming ICing-BM.
His relief was short-lived though, as his boon companion promptly turned on him and started growling. Oh no! There must have been evil (or possibly apples) in that cake! The combination of frosting and evil (or possibly apples) is well known to turn marshmallow ponies into unstoppable berserkers!
As she started stalking towards him, Blueblood looked around frantically, searching for anything that might possibly save him.
Nothing.
No allies. No conveniently discarded nets or smoke bombs. No hastily scribbled words of wisdom from past adventurers. In fact, the world had shrunk down to just him and the marshmallow mare with the fabulous dress and the coiffure that was… magnifique...
As she reared back to deliver a killing blow, Blueblood said the words that he hoped would reach her, and touch the pure and shining spirit that was still in there, covered though it was by frosting and evil (or possibly apples).
“Ew! Uh, uh, stay back! I just had myself groomed!”
She paused. Blueblood held his breath. Had it worked? Was she fighting from within, touched by their mutual appreciation for personal upkeep and appearance?
“Afraid to get dirty? Blblblblblb!!!” were the last words Blueblood heard before being blinded by flying cake and going into a catatonic shock as he believed his limbs were turning into dough.
•§•§•§•§•
Blueblood was woken up by the sound of moaning.
It was a couple of minutes before he realized he was the one moaning.
Forcing himself to sit up, he looked around and smacked his lips, trying to get the wretched taste out of his mouth.
I’m… in my room? What day is it? What happened? I… I remember going to the doctor… and I can breathe now, so something must’ve worked… Blueblood started to tense up. That’s all. That’s all I can remember. Oh, no, no no NO! What happened?! What did I do?! Why can’t I remember anything?! I… I need to talk to someone! I need help! I need “AUNTIE!!”
Celestia poked her head in through the bedroom door and peered at her hyperventilating nephew with a mixture of concern and a soupçon of disappointment. “Yes, Blueblood? What is it?”
Blueblood pulled the covers up to his chin and let out a small whimper. “I’m confused and I’m scared and I think I really really need a hug right now, please…”
Clearly not what she expected, Celestia hesitated only a second before swiftly going to Blueblood’s side and embracing the shivering unicorn. Nuzzling him and whispering reassurances that he was safe now, Celestia eventually managed to calm him down. “Blueblood, at some point we’re going to have to discuss your behavior during the Gala last night. Not now, of course, but when you’re feeling better and-”
Blueblood let out a moan and buried his face in her neck. “Mphts mhht my mps aphmph uph~!”
“Er, Blueblood? Would you mind repeating that? And please, remember to enunciate.” Celestia brushed his mane out of his eyes and smiled down at him.
Taking a deep breath, Blueblood said slowly and clearly, “That’s what I was afraid of.” He looked up at his aunt, lip trembling. “I don’t remember anything about last night! I didn’t hurt anyone, did I? Ohhh, I must have ruined the Gala for everyone! I’m sorry, Auntie! I never meant to! I just, I just, I- I..!” The prince burst into tears and buried his face in Celestia’s neck again.
Celestia raised an eyebrow at that. “You mean to say that you have no recollection of… any of it? Nephew, what happened to you?”
“Sniff… I… I wanted to go the Gala like always, and, you know, keep you company, but my allergies were really bad this year, so, so, so I went to the doctor and got some medicine and I swear, I did NOT mix it with anything or drink anything or… or… or anything! I swear!”
Celestia had spotted the medicine bottle in question and was just starting to read the list of side effects when Blueblood stopped talking. “Oh, Blueblood… you know I enjoy our time together, but… this? You should’ve stayed in bed and rested, not risked all this, just for me.” She leaned down and nuzzled Blueblood again. “Now, you stay here and rest up. I’ll have some breakfast sent up, and you can stop worrying. Things went badly, it’s true, but no one got hurt and that’s the important thing. We can talk about it when you feel up to it.”
Blueblood sniffled one last time and gave a timid smile. “Thank you, Auntie. I’ll make it up, I swear.”
•§•§•§•§•
“... and THEN, you said ‘I just had myself groomed!’”
“Oh, NO.” Blueblood buried his face in his hooves, mortified beyond measure (but also holding back a snicker or two). “I must’ve been unbearable! Ugh… now I know why they were leaving every ten minutes. I’m going to have to write sooo many apologies…”
Celestia stopped giggling and tilted her head. “What do you mean by ‘they,’ nephew?”
“All the mares I offended, Auntie. I still don’t remember much about the Gala, but I have the strongest recollection of driving off just a parade of mares. After about ten minutes, I’d look away and they’d vanish without a word. There was always another to take their place, but it was about as regular as clockwork.” Blueblood furrowed his brow in concentration. “They all had similar dresses and manecuts… maybe they were related? Or from the same school?”
“Nephew, you may want to brace yourself…”
“Auntie?”
“There was only one mare, nephew.”
Blueblood stared up at her, his eyes slowing shrinking to pinpricks. “... no. NO. I did all that to… to ONE mare? But that’s just… and I..!” Blueblood closed his eyes and groaned. “Well, at least I only have to write one apology then… was it someone I know? It must’ve been, if they put up with me for the whole affair...”
“Actually, nephew, she was new to Canterlot. A dressmaker by the name of Rarity…”
“Rarity? Like the- no. No, you can’t mean… Oh, come ON! THE Element of Generosity?! I did all that to… to…” Blueblood buried his head in his hooves once more. After a few minutes he peeked out at the Princess. “Well, on the bright side, maybe all this will convince Auntie Luna to get out more. She can’t possibly think she’s still the worst member of the royal family, now.”
Celestia nuzzled her nephew and smiled. “Yes, yes, you’ve reclaimed your title of ‘Most Dastardly Royal,’ nephew.”
Blueblood harrumphed and stuck his nose in the air at that. “I worked hard to earn that title!”
•§•§•§•§•
Standing in front of the window, watching the storm, a young colt rubbed his hooves together.
”Soon… all will know the name… of BLUEBLOOD! Mwa ha ha ha ha!!!”
He continued to cackle as lightning flashed and thunder boomed, a carefully orchestrated counterpoint to a totally serious and dramatic scene.
The pegasus he’d paid to ensure the thunder and lightning stuck her head in after ten minutes to see if he was done laughing yet, and if she could go home.
•§•§•§•§•
“I don’t know if changing the name of every Main Street in every city to Blueblood Avenue was really that dastardly, nephew. I mean, you even filled out all the forms and had all the petitions signed. Impressive work for a twelve year-old, but…”
Celestia paused as Blueblood looked up at her, lip trembling in a most adorable pout. She rolled her eyes and smiled, saying “I mean, it was terribly wicked of you, and a most clever conspiracy, nephew. None of us saw it coming.”
Blueblood beamed, reassured that he was, in fact, still the Worst Royal Pony. He sighed as his thoughts turned back to Luna, though. “I do hope we can convince Auntie Luna to come out of her shell…” A thought struck him, and he couldn’t hold back a chuckle. “After all, all she did was try to bring about eternal night. I may have turned one of the Elements of Harmony off of stallions forever!”
Celestia shared a small laugh at that, and ruffled his mane. “All stallions, forever, nephew? Are you sure you’re not overestimating your impact?”
Blueblood puffed up his chest and thrust out his chin. “Auntie, please. This is me we’re talking about.”
He managed to actually keep a straight face for 20 seconds before breaking down in laughter.
“Aaah… seriously though, Auntie. After I write a very thorough, and very sincere apology to Rarity, I might ask you to banish me to the moon for a month or so. Depending on how forgiving Rarity is, you know.”
“We’ll see, nephew.”
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oh my god i love this
I want to know what Celestia did.
4286850
You know how, like, the entire south of the continent is a desert..? Yeaaaah...
YES! Hopped up on meeeeeeeeeeds!
I think this was my favorite chapter so far, for both the surreal reality screws and Blueblood being a general screwball even without pills, by the look of the ending.
I loved the side effects list. You did a good job hitting that and the constant stream of disappearing mares. I also love the impressive work for someone his age, considering he actually got all the petitions. Which I'm curious how he actually got enough people to actually DO it.
4309973
Well, he saved up his royal allowance for a really long time and was able to hire some canvassers which helped a lot... and he also told everyone that it was for a school project. Something about seeing the political process in action... who could say no to a pushy young kid trying to further their education?
This is a good example of why you should question your doctor very carefully about the borderline-toxic slop he or she prescribes you.
...YEEES. Make this a thing! As bad as the CMC are, I am curious as to how Cadence would cause mayhem with indiscriminate shipping.
4316329
"You're going to LOVE EACH OTHER!!!"
"Now kiss!"
A little something like this... (imagine it's Cadence making these faces)
I AM THE GODDESS OF SHIPPING WARs! ALL SHALL LOVE EACH OTHER AND DESPAIR! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
Although...sweet Faust, what did CELESTIA do?
That is a beautiful idea.
This is the absolute best one! I was laughing the whole way through, as Bluebloods hallucinations just got more and more over the top.
Much as I loved his pov of the Gala, my favorite part was the bit with Young Blueblood's attempt at being dastardly, complete with a pegasus hired for the lightening and Celestia pointing out that changing all the street signs to 'Blueblood' was hardly dastardly at all, albiet impressive for a 12 year old.
Come to think of it, now I'm wondering if the street were changed back to Main Street, or if they all still stay Blueblood ave after all this time.
Good one. I smiled.
The royal family trying to out-dastardly each other? This too, needs to be a fic.
What!
Okay this is either the most inconceivable excuse I have seen thus far, or Prince Blueblood is more doped than I thought it could be possible for anyone to be ever doped.
I mean, a suspension bridge as a cloak?
Really?
wut? eh. I can't even imagine that. How would that even look like?
A musical note for coat and a mathematical expression for mane.
That's some far out stuff.
Oh yeah, the BBBB, of course.
(By this point Blueblood is past hallucinations and has actually started to experience delusions of things that are not happening and have never happened)
Glorious indeed.
~Leonzilla
Everything has been hilarious, but I nearly lost it at the "ICing-BM" pun.
Please write this story. I want to see Cadance go all out "SHIPPER ON DECK!" and start pairing random ponies she thinks look good together just because she's a crazed fangirl or something at this point. Thank Celestia that Pinkie isn't a Princess. National Smile Day. National Party-All-Day-For-No-Reason. National Cake day (Celestia might actually approve this crazy one, though). National Rocks-Are-People Day to honor Maud...thank god for no Princess Pinkie!
You left out "Meticulous Hamburglarism" and "Harmon's Kleptomania".