Cheshire

by PoniesLoveMe

Chapter 2

"Cheshire, Totter Hooves, SkyFall, Oceanspray, Half Sliced, Cloud Beak".

He could barely hear his name being called over the thunder of the lightning storm over head and the pounding sound of rain on the roof of the orphanage, but the pale yellow colt stepped forward and boarded the cart that would take him to Canterlot. As he walked, his hooves dragged through puddles of rainwater and his ears drooped. His head was hung and he barely noticed the screams of protest from the other colts who would be making the dreaded trip to Canterlot with him.

"I don't want to go with them" came a cry the colt recognized as his room mate, SkyFall.

"Where are they taking us?" whimpered Totter Hooves.

"I want to stay!"

"What did we do wrong?"

But as they cried to, and were hushed by, the orphanage owner, the young colt just sat down in a corner of the cart and cried to himself. He hadn't told anypony of that night; when the Princess had come to the orphanage while his friends were all tucked into their beds, dreaming happy dreams of the flapjacks and daisies that the orphanage cook always made for them; but the memory of it had seared through his mind like a flash of lightning every time he had started to feel hope again. The lump of sadness had grown in his throat over the past week and he had found it hard to talk to any of the orphan ponies without tears welling in his eyes. His heart heavy with sorrow in his chest that nopony that young should feel, yet there the feeling was, seemingly weighing a hundred tons as he sat patiently for them to leave.

The cart dipped a little and made a tiny creaking sound as the orphanage mare gathered up the other colts and guided them into the cart, then she jumped out and the door closed behind her, locking them in.

Cheshire watched her trot slowly back to the fillies and colts who had been too young to go out the barred window of the cart. He saw her turn towards the cart and saw grief in her old, grey eyes as she met his gaze, and then a spark between them happened, and he knew: without saying a word, her gaze had told him that she had known. She had known all along that he was there the night the princess came to the orphanage but, the colt realized in shock, she hadn't said a word. She hadn't said anything, hadn't told him off in front of the princess, hadn't punished him because she had realized that leaving to go to Canterlot would be punishment enough.

As though she had read his thoughts, the orphanage mare nodded slightly and began to trot towards him. She lifted her hooves onto the bars of the cart window and spoke softly to him through the bars.

"I am so sorry you had to know before it was time" she whispered, pausing to let the apology sink in. But the colt found it hard to concentrate because, although the little colt could hear sorrow in her voice as she whispered to him, the steady, kind sound of her voice and the sweet smell of the honey shampoo she liked to use on her mane calmed him and he felt his heart beat slow. "It was unfair for you, to have your last days here ruined by that news" she continued "but I'm glad one of you knew, so you could help guide your friends. I'm relying on you, you must remain strong for them-" she said this with a gentle nod of her head towards the other colts were huddled together on the other side of the cart. "They will be counting on you, too. Please, promise me that you will keep them safe".

The colt was silent for a heartbeat. How did she expect him to protect the other colts when he was shaking in his own coat?

"I know you are as scared as they are, maybe even more," admitted the orphanage mare "but I want you to take this and remember us" and, ever so discretely , she slipped a tiny black-and-white photograph of the fillies and colts of the orphanage. With a pang of sadness, he remembered when it was taken: on the sunniest day of the previous summer, the orphanage mare had said she wanted a picture of all the fillies and colts of the orphanage hung in the entrance hall for her to see. So she had hired a photographer and hung the picture proudly.

"I sent the photographer a letter, asking for this" she explained, pointing a hoof at the picture as the colt stared at it in awe. "She charged me ten bits for it, but it was worth it". The mare watched the little yellow colt carefully as he delicately turned over the paper to find the phone number and address of the orphanage written in emerald ink on the back, along with the name of the orphanage mare. "I-If you all survive the oncoming war, w-would you call me?"

The colt nodded, his eyes wide. He realized that this mare loved the ponies in her orphanage like they were her own sons and daughters, all she wanted was for them to grow up and live a happy life. But, now, five of her colts would never get that chance, and the little colt felt sympathy towards the devastated mare.

"Thank you" she said with a sigh, clearly relieved, and started to back away from the cart window.

The little colt's heart twisted to see her go, but as she trotted away he called out the window to her. "I will try my best." he promised "I wont let you down!"

The cart jerked back as the earth ponies who were driving the cart saddled into position and the colt was thrown down from the window, he climbed back onto his hooves just in time to hear the orphanage mare whinny back.

"I know you wont. Be strong little one, and always remember who you really are! Don't forget." And as the cart began to steadily move forward, away from the orphanage, she called one last farewell over her shoulder "Goodbye, Cheshire!" before her voice was drown out by the roaring thunder.

As the cart pulled farther and farther away from the orphanage, and the fillies and colts standing out in the rain were reduced to tiny specs in the distance, Cheshire suddenly had a sinking feeling that he would never return.

"Good bye."
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Cheshire awoke with a jolt as the cart bumped over a ditch in the road. For a minute, he couldn't place where he was and he sat bolt upright, eyes wide and spine tingling, before remembering and slouching down again. Oh, yeah. He was on his way to Canterlot to train in the Canterlot army to fight for Equestria.

'I must have dozed off' he thought, opening his snout in a wide yawn as memories of the previous day came flooding back to him. The thunderstorm, the mare's goodbye, the photograph. The photograph! Cheshire searched the floor around him frantically, searching for the little piece of paper that promised him a safe place to return to when this was all over. Last night, as the thunderstorm had raged overhead, one-by-one his colt companions had fallen into a deep sleep, exhausted from the days excitement. But the little, pale yellow colt had been unable to fall into the subconscious of sleep, unable to let go of the day as easy as his companions. He had sat by the window, staring at the photograph in the pale moonlight that had peeked out of the clouds after the rainstorm ceased.

He kept repeating the same words over and over in his mind:

'I am Cheshire. I live in the orphanage, I belong there. I will always belong there. The princess ruined my life, but I will return. And after each time he had gazed at the picture he named every filly and colt in the picture, vowing never to forget any of them. 'Penny, Moon Glow, Sparkler. I will never forget, never. Fenn, Molly, Quick Quill...

But he had grown drowsy as the night pulled on, and the faint snoring of his fellow colts was soothing and had lulled him into a restless sleep.

Cheshire let out a long, thankful sigh as he moved aside a small mound of hay, revealing the slightly-bent picture of his home. He hugged the picture to his chest, bringing the only thing that made him feel safe closer. Once his companions, who were still snoring peacefully, awoke he knew he would have to put the picture away, act strong even when he longed to race back to the only maternal figure in his life and hide. Although he did not think he would ever return to the orphanage he had once called home, he clutched the photograph even tighter as his mind wandered into the possibility, the one tiny shred of hope, that he might someday return. Would they be happy to see him? He would be beside himself to be reunited with his orphan family. But what if he failed the task the orphanage mare had asked of him? Her one last request. How would he be able to face the grief-stricken orphanage mare again, knowing he had let her down?

The minutes ticked by, and the cart continued its cheerless journey to Canterlot. As the day passed, Cheshire's colt companions started to wake, each one waking with a yawn and rubbing sleepily at their eyes. They huddled together in a corner of the cart, silent and unmoving. There was an uneasy silence creeping over the young colts, but none of them dared to break it.

As the minutes turned to hours, and the sun was starting to set, the cart gradually slowed to a stop. A couple of colts raised their heads eagerly or angled their ears towards the cart door. Did they think they had returned to the orphanage? That it had been a mistake that they were taken? 'Well they're wrong!' Cheshire thought dejectedly. He neither jumped to his hooves in excitement when he heard one of the driver ponies trot around to the back of the cart nor gazed happily at the stallion who unlocked and opened the cart door. He did not rush out of the cart, eager to see where the drive had taken them, like the other colts. Rather, he got begrudgingly to his hooves, shot a reproachful look at the stallion who had released him from his prison, and stepped out to stand next to the other colts.

The sun shone gloriously down from the sky as he stood in front the stairs leading up to a large, majestic castle. The brightness of both caused Cheshire to recoil. 'How could something so bright and cheerful appear when my heart is so heavy?' he wondered solemnly. But as he cowered beside his colt companions, a mare's voice rang out through his head.

'but I'm glad one of you knew, so you could help guide your friends. I'm relying on you, you must remain strong for them'.

The little yellow colt stood taller, no longer cowering beside his friends, but standing bravely ahead of them. He couldn't let them, or the orphanage mare down. He just couldn't!

Not a minute passed before a large, dark grey unicorn dressed in golden armor stepped out of the castle doors and elegantly descended the stairs towards the line of young colts.

"Princess Celestia has brought you here to train in the Canterlot army" the stallion spoke in a deep voice, "you will spend the night in the guest room, for I am sure you are all very tired from your journey." he said with a sweeping glance over the colts. Then he turned. "Come" the command came harshly as the stallion climbed the stairs towards the castle doors, but none of the colts behind Cheshire moved.

With a puff of surprise, Cheshire realized something 'They're all waiting for me to make the first move!' He could feel five tiny pairs of eyes burning into the back of his head while his companions watched him with interest.

Cheshire swallowed the anxiousness bubbling up in his throat and took a tentative step forward. 'For the mare' he reminded himself as he gained confidence and bounded up the stairs. He got to the top and stared up at the grey unicorn, who gave him an approving nod and led the way into the castle. Cheshire, with an encouraging glance back at his companions, followed.

'Don't show fear. Be brave.'

Author's Note:

Again, feedback would be appreciated! :)

Comments

[Sprocket Jockey]

Is this where you end up making a whole pony rebellion of soldiers who, after basically becoming slaves, end up rebelling against Celestia?

[PoniesLoveMe]

4059594

Well, shit. There goes my plot line.... well some of it, anyways.

This basically takes place right before Luna turns to Nightmare Moon.

God d*** it

[PoniesLoveMe]

4059594

now, I must change! *scoots away to make a different plot line*

[PinkieLunaShy]

4059594

GAHHH!! You ruined it for me!! Well not really... cause I knew it was coming :3

[PoniesLoveMe]

4068759
nono, shhhhhushshdusdfuhforlaknfosahdfk sanoshdf

it's not all about that there is more to it.

God, it takes forever to come up with stuff

[PinkieLunaShy]

4068774

My approach make it up as you go along but know how you want it to end

[PoniesLoveMe]

4068785

a war story, yes. That is what the story is. My point was that Sprocket Jockey didn't spoil it all.

but we all know how hard it is to end a story

[Vixavior]

Well PoniesLoveMe, very nicely done, very very nicely done Lets see, what can I add.

Thematically, this story is set up to be potentially one of my favorites because of the outright potential for everything that I adore: the emotional empathy, question of loyalties, pangs of grief, maturity, and question of needs in the face of a threat are all ones that are universally explorable. From what I've seen in these two chapters, I'm anxious to see where you're going to go with it. I'm no 'warmonger' but the themes surrounding such a premise are music to my ears.

Chapter 1's internal questions for Cheshire work out of the intrinsic fear that such a vulnerability and loss already places on them. What did I do, what could I have done, and how can this happen' seem like true guiding ideas for people and ponies that age too. What I liked was the particular expression of the emotions verbally and non-verbally which defined the characters well. From the maternal pangs of the Orphanage guardian, to shock on Cheshire's part, to the Princess's reserved sternness which acted as her required facade: it all treads a very careful balance that I think you nailed. Every single piece serves to build up a feeling of foreboding in the grandeur and scale of what is still left unseen.

In a sense of literature alone, the primary attribute that differentiates the Cheshire as the protagonist from his compatriots seems to be strictly happenstance. I don't think you could have picked a better way to actually go about in selecting a main character than that as it allows such a wide variety of emotions and issues to form rather than having his superiority in one or multiple fields be the guiding theme. It's not some magic, no predetermined 'fate' right off the bat, the fact that it could have been anypony adds a sense of normalcy that, once again, reinforces the nature of normalcy and by direct contrast heightens the abnormality of the situation.

Now, Chapter 2 I liked the shifting questions and coalescing cast as well. I'm not surprised at Cheshire's antipathy towards Celestia, and post scriptum heading about nightmare moon, it's nebulous enough regarding the threat that it could be any number of things: Discord, Sombra, course Nightmare Moon, even IDW's cockatrice plague or the many other threats could all work. Just the way it's written lends itself to being from any era so even without knowing or revealing that I'd still be guessing.

I only have one suggestion:

“...to the only mother-like figure in his life...”

You could directly twitch 'mother-like' to 'maternal' without sacrificing any punch of the line at all. That it, that's all I've got, which is really great. It's a good attention to detail (I always like getting a sense of lesser portrayed senses of smell and touch. Best can add there is I'd always like to see a little more of that 'clammy' feeling when it comes to rain, just helps me really remember that it's raining story wise). I don't think there's anything else I can suggest.

Lets see, paltry few spelling mistakes but I should be a stickler. Normally I don't say much about spelling but as I can't give a lick of stylistic advice I might as well feel like I've done some work instead of just prattling

...over a ditch in the rode.

road

...floor around him franically, searching for the little peice of paper

frantically, piece

... days excitment. … fall into the subconcious

excitement, subconscious.

...kept reeating

repeating

...grown drowsey

drowsy

...continued it's cheerless:

its

Pretty much in the space of one paragraph is all. But how much did that detract from my enjoyment of the story? Zero, absolutely nothing Without getting into prickly politics, I adore the theme so many-many thanks for writing it and I shall be watching!
“The days have gone down in the west, behind the hills and into shadow.”
s29.postimg.org/d11c8w9yf/Where_is_the_horse_and_rider.jpg

*I do wonder why the fillies weren't called out too, but like age, it's merely a curiousness on my part.

[PoniesLoveMe]

4068987

Thank you for the feedback! pointing out good things, like you did, is what really helps me continue writing. Positive reinforcement and stuff......

Thank you for the input I certain areas! The thoughts on how to improve + that little "mother-like" word switch helped a lot and I will change them!

Those spelling errors are due to the fact that my computer is slow and doesn't always catch the errors because of my fast typing, they will be fixed

Thanks, again, for everything! And thanks for the favourite!

[Vixavior]

4069058 Most welcome!

I saw that you wrote up an in depth review for PinkieLunaShy and I thought 'somepony who takes the time to really review' so it's something of a pay-it-forward thing to show some appreciation for that. So looked you up, decided to read a story, and sincerely glad I did . You put up the 'I just want a comment thread' when I was sorta half-done writing that so yeah

Haha, no worries, I know the curse of the fast typing slow computer too. Anyway, great work, best of luck too eh?

[PoniesLoveMe]

4069130

haha, thanks!

(is chastic a word? Like, chastise? Or would it be chastising?)

[Vixavior]

4069149 should be chastising but castigate can work as a verb, or reproachful as an adjective.

[PoniesLoveMe]

4069215

Thanks