"So this is the Everfree Forest huh? You know for an accursed land of doom it's not that bad." Sunset noted, looking around. Sure the canopy was so thick that even the dark night was rendered to near pitch black save for the slivers of light that illuminated the forest in patches. And sure the plants were covered in thorns, vines, pointy branches, and grew in twisted patterns. But all in all, the last half hour really wasn't any worse than walking in any other forest.
"Don't say stuff like that! Seriously, never say stuff like that!" Masquerade shouted as she trotted along. The canopy had been so thick that even Rainbow Dash, flying fanatic, had agreed that the pegasi needed to walk to avoid being separated from the group. "In every story I've ever read or acted in, saying stuff like that is like giving fate a gold leaf invitation to screw with you!"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "This isn't a story Masquerade, so I think we're fine. Now come on, we have to get through this evil magical forest to find the ancient castle in order to get the magical artifacts to defeat Nightmare Moon and save the princess." Twilight got five steps before she fully processed what she said. "Not a word Sunset."
"I have no idea what you mean Protagonist Number Two...or should that be one? I'm not sure, which one of us got introduced first in the story again?" Sunset stopped as she seriously started to ponder this. "Is it just ego that I put myself first? I mean from a narrative perspective I might not be that important. For all I know I was the late introduced comedic relief sidekick. I listed myself as the most important pony out of sheer hubris. I'm an out of control ego monster! Somepony stop me!"
Masquerade smacked Sunset at that point. "Get a hold of yourself. If anypony is going to be over dramatic it's going to be me. I'm properly trained for it. You amatures might hurt yourselves."
Applejack took the oportunity to slide over next to Twilight for a more private conversation. "Twi, ah'm a bit worried 'bout Sun there. When she was down on the farm yesterday she had a panic attack like that, saying she was a bad pony and such. What's goin' on with that?"
Twilight sighed. "Well, the thing you have to understand is that, based on my observations, Sunset Shimmer is a little crazy." Seeing Applejack's incredulous expression, she elaborated. "Not like 'lock me up in a padded cell' crazy mind you. I think she's got an inferiority complex. She seems to panic a lot in social situations and starts blaming herself whenever things go wrong. I think something happened where she doesn't think she's as good as other ponies, but I don't know what. I've tried to help by prasing her skills whenever she learns a new spell or the like to help boost her self esteem, but it doesn't seem to work."
"Hey guys I found a clearing up ahead." Rainbow shouted, rushing forward...and then falling down with a shout.
"Rainbow!" Sunset shouted, rushing over as fast as she could, the others following right behind, only to be met by a quickly rising RD.
"Whoops, cliff, my bad guys." Dash said, coming in for a landing. Seeing the looks of shock on the other ponies' faces (except for Masquerade), she blinked a couple times in confusion. "What?"
"Sorry, just forgot you had wings for a second. But this is perfect!" Sunset said, heading up to the ledge. "We can totally scan the whole forest from up here and plot out a route! This is a huge break for us!"
It was then that Murphy decided to attack in the form of a cloud of dark mist. It seeped into the cliff face, causing it to break and crumble, sending four of the ponies falling as the two pegasi instinctively took to the air.
"Ohmygosh, catch them!" Rainbow shouted, dive bombing and snatching Sweetie Drops out of mid-air as Masquerade swooped in and caught Twilight. The other two, Sunset and AJ, were lucky and managed to wind up sliding down the cliff side, slowing their pace and giving the flyers more time to come back and rescue them.
Applejack managed to bite into a root, halting her momentum and keeping herself safe, when she caught sight of something that sent a chill down her spine. Sunset hadn't slowed down enough and her rear hooves had gone over the edge of a sheer drop, and the rest of her was slowly following as she scrambled for purchase. "Hold on, ah'm a coming!" AJ shouted, releasing the root and controlling her slide so that she came to a halt just in time to lock her forelegs with Sunset's own before the unicorn plunged over the side to her doom. "Don't worry, ah got ya. Everything is gonna be fine." Applejack did her best to give a reassuring smile as she fought to ignore her own very slow slide forward.
"No it won't, you're sliding. Let me go or you'll fall too!" Sunset pleaded.
"Not happening sugarcube, ya just need to hold on there until Dash and Mask come on back up from taking the others down." She then slid forward another inch and dug her hooves in all the harder. "Hey, ah heard some unicorns can teleport all over the place, any chance ya can do that?"
Sunset closed her eyes and concentrated, her horn glowing...and then quickly fading out. "Sorry. Normally I could, but I haven't had any sleep since last night, I'm too tired. I am so useless right now."
"Ya ain't useless, ya could just use a nap." AJ said with a grin. "Anyway back to plan A, wait fer the pegasi to come on back up."
"No, plan A is you letting go so you don't die too. I'm not worth you dieing too." Sunset argued, trying to wriggle free of Applejack's grip, but stopping as soon as she realized it was just pulling AJ forward as well. "Seriously, let go."
"No." was AJ's response, her face hardening in determination. "Now listen here. Ah don't rightly know what happened to you before, ah don't know why you think you're worth less than a wooden bit, and ah don't care. Ah met ya, ah ate with ya, Ah even showed ya my family. Ya were nice, the kids liked ya, and yer out here risking yer life to save Equestria. And when we both got in danger, yer main concern is fer mah safety. Yall are a good pony, and yer lying to yourself if ya think otherwise. Now just hang on, they're almost back."
Sunset stared, and then snorted. "You know, just because I'm about to die you don't have to say nice things about me."
"Darn it, ah ain't doin' that! Ah'm no lier, and ah ain't gonna start now. Ah say what ah mean, and ah mean it. Yer not a bad pony, and it's about dang time ya two got here!"
"Yeah yeah. Do you know how hard it is to find clear ground to place you guys on after a rockslide? And that's without having to help Mask here land the egghead safely." Rainbow Dash said, grabbing Sunset by her barrel on one side.
Masquerade rolled her own gems as she grabbed Sunset from the other side. "Well sorry if we're not all athletes aiming to join the Wonderbolts like you. Not everypony can fly full out while carrying another pony on their own you know. I mean I slowed her down enough to make it a survivable landing even if it hasn't slowed her down enough for you to come help." Nodding to AJ, the earth pony let go as the two pegasi performed a textbook cumulus carry of their passenger down towards the ground. "Oooof, no offense but even with Dash here, I think you weigh more than Twilight." she teased.
"How in any way is that not offensive?" Sunset snarked right back, though the relieved note in her voice robbed it of any venom. "I'll have you know she works out by walking all over the place with Spike on her back. You'd be in better shape too if you had to carry a lazy dragon around everywhere."
After coming in for a landing, Sunset was quickly hugged by a relieved Sweetie Drops and Twilight. By the time she managed to extract herself, Applejack had also been ferried to the ground. "Hey listen. Um, thanks for saving me back there. And for the stuff you said. It was nice."
AJ nodded. "And ya remember what ah said. Ah ain't no lier, and ah ain't never said nothing that weren't true." She then flashed a big smile."Also, while ah was up there, an managed to spot what ah think might be the castle we're looking for."
Sunset was ecstatic. "Yes! Yes yes yes! We are back on track girls! It's smooth sailing from here on out!"
Mask proceeded to facehoof. "Seriously, just stop tempting fate."
Twilight snorted. "Oh please, what could possibly go wrong now?"
"I don't know." Sunset admitted, stepping out from behind a tree with her eyes closed and a smile on her face, coming face to face with a stunned group of ponies. "It could really be anything I guess."
RD, AJ, Sweetie, and Twi kept on looking to their Sunset Shimmer and back to the suddenly appearing double. Sunset was no less confused. "What the bucking Tartarus is this?"
"What is what?" asked a thoroughly confused Masquerade.
"Beats me, but hey do you girls think you could do me a favor?" the double asked. Opening her eyes, they were reptilian and shining with dark green energy that seemed to leak out. Her horn flared with a black roiling aura that floated a dagger from out behind her back and into the origional Sunset's chest. "Please die."
hehe nice
Double Update?
Seriously Loved the way you had Applejack speak to Sunset. Assuming you are keeping her the Element of Honesty (and she was very honest with Sunset) I really think this a way better demonstration of her element.
And oh look, a murderous Sunset Simmer trying to kill the not-quite Elements of Harmony. So, they have now met Canon Sunset
4250201 You mean the one who got to taste the rainbow, was redeemed, and is stuck in the human world?
And yeah, I did say that the chapters would be coming faster now.
4250322
Right, that one; this is before Equestria Girls, Nightmare Moon was only just released. Obviously this is the Canon Sunset that somehow traveled to a different Equestria and has decided to randomly attack other ponies for no real reason and is in no way a trick by Nightmare Moon...That would be silly.
In all seriousness I like how you are paying homage to the original scenes while adding your own twists and additions (Similar to your element selection). Also Twilight calling Sunset a little crazy; wait until you see Twilight when she can't send a letter. Looking forward to the next chapter
*liar
But a Sunset Shimmer clone? Oh dear.
JESUSFUCK
Dude, sudden moodshift!
Wow! The plot thickens!
4251174 If you are experiencing any pain in the neck, you may be suffering from mood whiplash. If so p,ease lay still, wait for paramedic aid, and remember to sue Murphy as it is his fault.
Also, please don't swear.
4251235 The secret is to use a good strong base to thicken it with, since if it's strong enough it can not only help hold a scene but make the story as a whole more interesting.
4251344
Mmmm...I suddenly want some cheesecake!
Good advice, thanks.
x2.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/5093794+_c8742c609097d1a4b17ed0f3fbaafe93.png
Well, that escalated quickly.
...
Oh fuck, the mirror pool.
4252503 Who's Malcom Tucker?
4251876 The Mirror Pool requires active and conscious use.
Oh, well, that's unfortunate. Looking forward to more... like seeing Sunset make it out okay.
Keep up the good work. Deus tecum.
Reading this chapter's title still makes me think
"The Sunset Parable"
4294583 I can't seem to find that story. Is it hosted on another site?
4294975
No, it's not a story. "Please die" is displayed on the screen during one a' the endings to The Stanley Parable.
4297843 Never heard of it. What's it about?
4301216
The Stanley Parable is a game. It started out as a Half Life 2 mod, an' was later expanded on an' released as a standalone game. It's sort of a commentary on the nature of storytelling, an' as such ah don't feel like ah can jus' tell ya the plot. Ya gotta at least watch a video. You can download the demo for free on Steam, an' ah recommend doin' so.
Certain reviewers were sent versions a' the demo with a few personalized lines. Here's the Game Grumps version:
This video purports ta have all the endings from the original mod:
This's the intro to the standalone game:
An' this video shows the ending ah'm talkin' about in the standalone game:
The guy who uploaded that last video also uploaded all the other endings, so you can watch 'em all for free. Ah'd suggest buyin' the game, though, jus' to support games like this bein' made.
You've got some clever ideas at work in this story -- the 'twinkle-eyes' are particularly original, I think -- but please, for the sake of your readers...
Get an editor.
The constant misspellings and weird grammatical errors are making this a lot harder to read than it should be.
4306721 I have an editor. I wouldn't mind a secondary editor if you're offering or know where I can acquire one.
4311686
In that case, I am offering.
4311751 Then I accept! pM me.
Hm... I'm tempted to bet on NMM's magic creating an illusion of this verse's full dark side Sunset Shimmer... I like how this goes ^^
Okay, I hate to say it... but I definitely liked Applejack's scene here more than in the pilot. Felt a lot more 'honest' to me. I don't know. But it's good. Anyway, all caught up and awaiting more.
4344793 Advantage: not writing for a limited time slot so you can elaborate the scenes and hindsight to figure out how to fix a scene everyone complains about!
4318140
Ah! I've been replaced... by a Tetris block.
Wait, those are tetrominoes.
Regardless, I'll get to work on this chapter. I didn't know that you would be updating so soon after chapter four.
4356800 You haven't been replaced. I just suck so much I need two people to catch all my mistakes.
4378920 Go ahead, I'd ove to read it. Send me a link once it's up.
Will Rainbow Dash be beating anybody up in the Sunsetverse in general?
4386500 Well yeah. She is a black belt.
4551182 No, it was my own assumption. Because of th Z and the rhyming.
4386935 Update ?
I have mixed feelings. In the one hoof this is rich in potential and I want to see it expanded. I like the personality you've given Sunset, a bit crazy and mood-swingy, it's different from it works for her. And it's cool seeing her and Twilight play off each other.
On the other hoof, the potential is here but the execution is a little troubled. There's numerous technical errors, particularly always ending dialogue with a period. There's also telly-talk and bookisms but I concede I only recently learned about them and have no place to lecture on them. There's also several spelling and grammar errors.
From a creative side I'm neither opposed nor approving of changing the Element Bearers, for me personally I find it challenging to get invested in the replacements and that's something I face with all AU-type stories like this. Who are these two new ponies and why are they more worthy than the other three I know and love while Applejack and Rainbow are kept in? Of course even if you kept them canon somepony would have to be left out unless, as another reviewer noted, you went for seven Elements or split Magic between Sunset and Twilight. I think the latter would be a very interesting route to take, but it's your fic and you can do what you want with it, this is just my opinion.
Overall, it's not bad and I want to see more, but it needs some polish to really shine. A proofreader could help you improve with regards to the technical aspects, and if you need a more reliable spellchecker I find fanfiction.net's document manager has a decent one, I run my stories through it before copying them to post here.
4701313
Interesting....I actually was thinking of having Twi and Sunny split the element of Magic and/or Friendship between them, in one of my upcoming fics.
4796069 It's definitely a concept worth exploring, if you do it let me know, I'll give it a read.
4796090
You got it!
Also, just so you know, the fic I'm referring to will most likely take place either after Season 1 pilot or around mid-season 1 (with various flashbacks possibly). Not sure now though which to start from. What do you think?
4796195 Any timeframe could work, depending on how you play it out.
4796315
Okay thanks.
I agree with Mugen Kagemaru. When is the next chapter going to appear?
4904907
4862673
It is currebtly beng edited and should be up soon.
I hope I'm not rude, but I have a suggestion to make:
Saying this is the first story in a "verse" is...a bit pretentious, especially if there aren't any others written yet.
Story universes are, by themselves, neither a good or bad thing; they're tools, and not all people like them; I advise you to cut that first sentence.
Also, the spacing in that paragraph is all wonky.
Now that cliff scene was a lot better than canon. And the end of the chapter makes me very relieved you're not just rehashing canon obstacles.
25 weeks later, liar is still spelled wrong
*The other mares stare at her incredulously*
Sunset: What? I'm not saying I'd like to build a summer home here, but the trees are actually quite lovely.
Well I was right. 5407775 Must be Tuesday.
Great plot so far, mate! Here are some grammatical corrections to make it even better!
"So this is the Everfree Forest huh? You know, for an accursed land of doom, it's not that bad,"
You amateurs might hurt yourselves."
"Hey guys, I found a clearing up ahead,"
"Ya ain't useless. Ya could just use a nap,"
"Not happening, sugarcube. Ya just need to hold on there until Dash and Mask come on back up from taking the others down."
I'm not worth you dying too."
Ah'm no liar, and ah ain't gonna start now.
Ah ain't no liar, and ah ain't never said nothing that weren't true."
"It could really be anything, I guess."
She's right.
HEH!
AmatEUrs.
Murphy's an Ahole like that.
This is nice.
Perfect timing.
HEH!
What the?
Well then. Dark. Also, original, not origional.
I'm gonna say it, how is it that Fanfic writers can come up with better ideas than the actual writers?! Need I bring up Merriwether Williams
Seriously, you need to listen to her.
6780269
One word.
Foresight.