Chapter 1: An unexpected visit from the past! Something about the future I dunno...

(A/N:Well I decided to take it offline while my brain was offline and re-type it a long time ago before the fire nation attacked... Hope you enjoy your steaming pile of Wonder Buns!!!!!!!!!!!!! )

At first there was darkness, then there was an agonizing sensation of pain running through my body. My entire body felt worn out and I could barely move; my body was so stiff. "O-OUCH, WHAT THE..HAY?", I managed stammer then cough. I wiped the dust from my eyes and found myself lying down on a dirt road. It was cold and there were also rocks under me which were jabbing in my side, adding to my discomfort. I attempted to stand but fell back down to my side; my legs felt as if they were under locks and chains. After a few more attempts, I found myself on my legs finally, and began to stretch. The pops that erupted from my neck and and joints, including those located around the base of my wings, could've been heard across Equestria; they were so loud.

"Jeez..did I just finish a full-time ponykin job? Or did I just party too hard again?", I pondered jokingly from experience while rubbing the back of my neck. I began to notice my surroundings and was flabbergasted. A silent "Whoooaaa...." slipped from my mouth when I saw a variety of buildings in many shapes and sizes, engulfed in flames that stood still, appeared to share architectural designs of most cities known in Equestria, and the colors each building looked as if it had been ripped off almost completely with the rest hanging from the edges leaving the rest to look washed out, giving the impression that they had actually been torn. I continued surveying the area until the thunderous sound of screaming filled my ears from all directions. Startled , I jumped, turing in a 180 degree angle, then another, making a complete 360. I could hear the screams of many other ponies, although, I couldn't see from whom they originated from. "Who's there?!?", I yelled with a voice filled with anxiety and worry. The screaming went on for a while and I could still not determine where it was coming from.
" HELLO?", I called out again, in hopes for a response. Thoughts began to run through my mind...

Could somepony be in trouble?

Could somepony be dieing?

Where is this place?

Who's doing this?

Where is everypony?

Where am I?

I waited even longer for a response and still nothing. I was expecting a horde of civillians to come from one direction but still nothing. Anything would have sufficed; a call for help, a " hey ,you there", or even just a simple "hello". I decided that I couldn't wait anymore and began to look around. I rushed to the nearest building which seemed to share the same aspects of a normal building in Canterlot. It was quite tall. The ridges, lining the petruding window would've been golden. Behind the windows were closed, silky curtains. The roof,swirled with what would've been lavender and gold, twisted to a point, and on it's tip; rested a sphere. "Looks like an ordinary home to me besides the lack of colors. But where's all the screaming coming from?", I thought before reaching for the door.

Wait, will I get in trouble for this? I mean it's pretty much breaking and entering.

I had to take sometime to ponder about entering somepony's house. I decided that knocking would be the best way to gp about doing this.

KNOCK

No response?

I tried again but a little harder.

Still nothing....?

Alright then...

I decided to buck the door in hopes that somepony wasn't tied up or worse. I backed away and readied myself and then kicked. The door began to slowly break away and lazily fly inside the house but with out a sound.

????

I was bewildered at the sight of this. My eyes widened in suprise as I just stood there and watched it slow at the pace of molassus. " W-WHAT THE!!!", I stuttered in suprise and disbelief. The door was flying in slow motion and breaking away peice by peice. I lifted a hoof to touch the door again but was hesitant at first. I poked the door, yanking my hoof back , experimenting with the door. "Is this magic?" I asked myself aloud.

Who am I talking to again?

I got the idea of planting my hoof on the door as it was practically floating in place, half way withing the entrance. I pushed down and the door moved only slightly as the force I used earlier to send the door on a trip. "Looks like I could jsut walk across", I though, deciding to try it out. I planted my other hoof and walked across the door and step off, inside the lifeless building. What I saw was a jewlery shop. The walls were pretty much made of diamonds and rows of other gems that I could only indicate the diffrent types by the way they were shaped and cut. In front of me, to my right, was a glass counter that showed beautiful, although monochrome necklaces and other alluring sets of jewlery. I walked up to the counter to get a better view of the display and noticed something; or rather somepony behind it. I rushed forward, almost running into the counter, and peered over only to see a frozen, washed out pony in a fetal position on the floor. I stared at the unresponive, achromatic pony for a few moments, still trying to figure out what happened and waited for a response. " Ummm... Hello?", I called out to him.

The colt just layed there and said nothing. He just stared at what ever was infront of him, gaurding his face as if he was being attacked by something. I walked around the display counter to see if touching him would help. Maybe I would get a reaction from him like I did the door. I waved my hoof over his face and poked his muzzle a few times but to my avail, no acknowledgement whatsoever. I sighed and hung my head. " What in the name of Celestia is going on here?", I said while staring at the startled equine. I decided that I've tried long enough and walked back over to the still falling door that almost hit the ground. I jumped over it and walked across the street to what seemed to be a bakery. The building was nothing like I've ever seen. The entire building looked like a gigantic cookie that you could actually eat. Tempting as the thought of eating that was I decided that I should walk inside instead.

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Windsaw

Windsaw #1 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

Well...I posted
Still pondering if it was a good idea

Hungrybear

Hungrybear #2 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

359059
most non clopfics, gorefics, shipping or HiE stories go under the radar around here, just gotta hope someone is gracious enough to click yours when it isnt tagged as the latter.
that aside i think its good structure so far and i encourage that you continue.

twilight.ponychan.net/chan/collab/src/130674476697.gif

Wind Whistler is love

Wind Whistler is love #3 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

Well...you made me laugh a few times. Especially actually naming the chapter that.

The fight scene was pretty well written, I think you have a talent for action sequences. It's tricky to describe things enough that you can understand what's happening without getting too detailed and slowing down the action. That you did exactly right, imo.

Now the not so good stuff. Formatting and grammar were awful, as expected given typing on an Android and whatnot. The worst mistakes there are punctuation and occasionally slipping into the present tense.

You don't ever, ever have a full stop of any kind (period, exclamation point, question mark) followed by a comma...it's a frigging oxymoron. Punctuation goes inside of quotation marks, and when the sentence continues after the quote a period is replaced by a comma (For example here: No need to get your mane in a bunch my boy, there's not much you can do any way.", he says with a soft chuckle. --Lose the period and put the comma inside the quotes, because while Discord's sentence ends, yours doesn't.)

Maybe I'll give it another chance if and when the formatting and grammar get cleaned up some...also, I think your side notes are maybe a bit too much when you explain that a character's voice is like someone else from a video game. I don't think that adds anything to this, especially since it doesn't even tell the reader anything if they haven't played that game...unless you wanna add "P.S. You are now reading this in his voice. You're welcome," or something like that.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, or discourage you from continuing. There may be a good fic in here for someone, just not for me. I just post what I think could be improved.

Windsaw