A wild pony appears: WindDell

A white Pegasus, a forgotten legend, the curse, and the tools capable of saving all of Equestria

The story of how a stallion is chosen by a now forgotten guild to protect Equestria from the god of chaos, Discord.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 7 )

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Windsaw

Windsaw #1 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

Well...I posted
Still pondering if it was a good idea

Hungrybear

Hungrybear #2 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

359059
most non clopfics, gorefics, shipping or HiE stories go under the radar around here, just gotta hope someone is gracious enough to click yours when it isnt tagged as the latter.
that aside i think its good structure so far and i encourage that you continue.

twilight.ponychan.net/chan/collab/src/130674476697.gif

Wind Whistler is love

Wind Whistler is love #3 · Mar 24th, 2012 · · ·

Well...you made me laugh a few times. Especially actually naming the chapter that.

The fight scene was pretty well written, I think you have a talent for action sequences. It's tricky to describe things enough that you can understand what's happening without getting too detailed and slowing down the action. That you did exactly right, imo.

Now the not so good stuff. Formatting and grammar were awful, as expected given typing on an Android and whatnot. The worst mistakes there are punctuation and occasionally slipping into the present tense.

You don't ever, ever have a full stop of any kind (period, exclamation point, question mark) followed by a comma...it's a frigging oxymoron. Punctuation goes inside of quotation marks, and when the sentence continues after the quote a period is replaced by a comma (For example here: No need to get your mane in a bunch my boy, there's not much you can do any way.", he says with a soft chuckle. --Lose the period and put the comma inside the quotes, because while Discord's sentence ends, yours doesn't.)

Maybe I'll give it another chance if and when the formatting and grammar get cleaned up some...also, I think your side notes are maybe a bit too much when you explain that a character's voice is like someone else from a video game. I don't think that adds anything to this, especially since it doesn't even tell the reader anything if they haven't played that game...unless you wanna add "P.S. You are now reading this in his voice. You're welcome," or something like that.

Hope that doesn't sound too harsh, or discourage you from continuing. There may be a good fic in here for someone, just not for me. I just post what I think could be improved.

Windsaw