• Member Since 12th Jan, 2014
  • offline last seen January 23rd

AdamGrayson


Hi there. I'm an aspiring author who just happens to be a brony. Why would I be here if I weren't? I'm somewhat skeptical to put any stories up here though, we'll see what happens.

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After an attack on Ponyville, Fluttershy hasn't left her cottage for days. She's suffering and her friends can't help her. With Rarity gone Fluttershy doesn't leave her home until she hears about another mare moving into the Carousal Boutique.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 9 )

Not bad. You have a few errors with showing past and present tenses but overall it's a decent story. Also while I'm sure other authors have probably gone off of the IDW comics for ideas this was my first time reading something based off of them.

Hello. Since this is your first shot at pony fiction, I'll try to point out some things to help you. They will be relatively small things.

The first one is the biggest: your story spends most of it's time telling us what's going on, but it barely shows what's actually happening as it happens. Let me point out a section in the first paragraph.

The Element of Generosity had a weak moment and was taken over by the Nightmare. No pony is quite sure what exactly the weak moment was. With tears in her eyes Twilight lead the Elements to hit their friend with the Elements. After the fight was finished the group was heartbroken to find the body of Rarity. Though none was hurting as much as her marefriend.

This little bit of information you described could be expanded by literally thousands of words and spawn, at the minimum, a chapter of it's own. There's nothing wrong with lightly referring to past events, but to me this feels rather blunt and evident. The same could go for the part where Sweetie Belle brings the earrings over. To some extent, you do show us the Rarity fight scene a little later, but why tell us exactly what happened before the scene actually plays out?

Secondly, on the grammar side of things, I notice you word some sentences like this:

An unfortunate few were locked in the schoolhouse and it acted like a prison.

There is technically nothing wrong with this sentence, but since we are creatively focused, let's try axing the "and" and use a comma.

An unfortunate few were locked in the schoolhouse, which acted like a prison.

Or maybe like this:

Locked inside like prisoners, an unfortunate few were stranded inside the schoolhouse.

Whatever you place at the very end of every sentence you write will bear the most emphasis. In the first sentence, we are informed that it acts like a prison, but in the second, it's more implied that those ponies were stuck inside.

That's about as far as I can go. You should definitely look into an editor (but don't let him/her do all the work) and try organizing the syntax of your paragraphs and sentences. I recommend looking up as much about creative writing as you can. You should also look up sentence parts and ways to structure them. Pick up as many little tips and helpers as you can; it makes a difference. Glad I could help!

3844853 Well Rarity is my second favorite character, Fluttershy being first, and I love the idea of the mane six turning dark/evil. so when I heard about the Nightmare Rarity arc in the comics I fell in love with the idea, still haven't read it though. I wanted to do a story about her, but I also wanted to do a story about my favorite background pony, Octavia, so when my friend told me about her role play this idea popped in my head.

As for the past/present tenses. I have trouble with those and grammar while trying to keep characters in character while adding descriptions. I also had no editor. I'm still a new guy on here.

3844909 it seems im going to be going to college soon for some writing classes so I think if that works out it should help.

Run on sentences and uses of the word "and" to much are my downfall. I always try to not use it so much and end up making the sentence worse. Then when I use commas I feel like i'm overusing them.

The whole describing what happened thing...really it just started out brief. Then kinda....ran on on me. I wanted to at least give a little bit of what happened but I did want to focus mostly on the aftermath. Perhaps I should go back and attempt to rewrite the start of it.

This would be very interesting if it weren't for the fact that Celestia just up and replaces Rarity for falling to forces beyond her control. And the marefriend aspect comes out of nowhere and has no build up. Not to mention this story is rushed, and suffers for it.

3845792 i didn't rush the story, I just wrote it. In retrospect though I probably should have looked it over a bit more than I did and maybe found an editor to give me some feedback before uploading.

The point I was attempting to make with Celestia replacing Rarity wasn't about how she turned on them, it was supposed to be a last resort. I probably should have focused a bit more on that, but I did want to focus on the aftermath more.

The marefriend part wasn't supposed to just pop out of nowhere, I just had a real brain failure on how exactly to implement it into the story without ruining the flow. I'll probably touch the story up some soon.

This is an actually pretty great story! I like it. Octyshy story is unexpected, but I'll take it.

hows sweetie coping?

3845792
about 3000 words isn't rushing

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