No tension whatsoever. Like. They go from sitting in a bed to making out with almost no acknowledgement or thought from the characters. The scene didn't particularly mean much of anything either. Fluttershy was upset..why? What was upsetting her? You missed a great oppurtunity to give Fluttershy some kind of turmoil or internal conflict, and a good oppurtunity to establish that they're close friends (yeah it's shown on the show, but you still need to present it in the story if you want people to believe it).

Also nobody says "meep".

3817074 Exactly, Meep is a sound.

This story needs a lot of work. I understand it's a quickie like you put it, but it still doesn't have the right kind of details.

Wow, for a quickie story one shot, this was really good. I got to say that this story made my day.

Wow, okay. it's not so much the "it was a quickie" part that was important more than this is a joke roleplay between two friends that they then took the time to edit into story form.
a joke. roleplay.

Pffff reading back over this again after so much time has passed and I have to say two things;
1. I literally remember NONE of this. not a WORD. So it's like discovering it for the first time haha
2. This is both much worse, and simultaneously much better somehow than I imagined it'd be XD in a hilarious sort of way.
I actually almost want to write this again but competently.