A lover of MLP:FiM and a writer of MLP Fanfic
Chiselle loves her job as a sculptress and it provides her with some income. However, she cannot sustain herself on her art alone and often take on side jobs to make ends meet. All of that is about to change when she meets a member of Canterlot's elite society for a commission. However, this job may soon become her albatross as she has to make sacrifices to meet the deadline. Will all of her dreams come true, or will she decide it's too much?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not bad.
Nice work, Wil.
Not a bad little story! The characters were well developed and the story unique, and you did a really good job conveying Chisselle's sense of urgency at the project as it went on. You kept the characters emotions at the forefront without directly telling the reader what they were (a mistake many make), which is a sign of good writing, and you did well with making the characters fairly distinct from one another as well.
There was one small quibble I had however, that was repeated through the story. You seemed afraid to use the term "she" when talking about the characters. Instead you had "the mare," "the unicorn," etc. In one case near the top of the story, you even had "the unicorn" used twice in a row in successive sentences. Now, on the one hand I was impressed by how many variations of that you were able to come up with (some were indeed clever and unique) but on the other hand, there were quite a lot of them. You could cut the number down by a third (going back to "she said" or "she lifted" just fine. Currently, there are a little too many identifiers that are out of the ordinary. You have talent with unique ones (so by no means stop using them), but you've just got way too many of them.
The ending was a little sudden as well, and didn't quite wrap up everything. I was invested in Chiselle by the time the story ended, and I wanted to know what the repercussions were. Did she manage to finish her other orders in time? Did she make it up to those customers? Did she end up getting any new business from the wealthy clientele? We saw her triumph over Gold Chain, yeah, but what about the rest? I really wanted to know by the end!
My criticisms aside, I did enjoy this story, and I'll actually be adding you to my watch list. You're character came to life, which not many people on this site can claim, and the critiques I have are minor ones (and easily improved upon). Good luck, and keep writing.
"some pencils" or "a pencil"
Not a bad story. I found it enjoyable, but it didn't really grab me. The descriptions seemed to drag a bit, while the pony interactions seemed a bit rushed. An editor might help.
Tracking the story, just in case you ever add any more chapters.
3834032
Thanks for the well written review and criticism! I will def. keep that in mind for the future and will be using "she" more often. :)
As for the ending, fret not, this will not be the final chapter in Chiselle's story. I'm already starting on my next one which will take place right after "All The Time", so stay tune! :D