“Twilight, can we go home now?” Spike wined as the group marched through the woods.
“Yea, I’m with him,” Rainbow agreed.
“No,” Twilight sighed.
She was getting tired of the complaining coming from these two; it only made things harder. She had lost her way in the forest more times than she would like to admit. If any of her other friends started, she might just lose it.
“Why not? I’ve got important stuff to do, y’know.”
“Like what?”
“Napping, for one thing.”
“Yea, I could go for some sleep,” Spike said.
“You know we can’t go home until we find this castle,” Twilight explained. “Princess Celestia told us herself.”
“To find a castle that just dropped out of the sky?” Spike asked. “Twilight, don’t you think she might be sending you on a wild goose chase?”
Twilight shot an annoyed look at him.
“Why in Equestria would she want to do that, Spike?”
“I dunno, it just seems a little…out there.”
“We’ll find it soon, I’m sure of it,” Twilight assured the group. “Besides, Princess Celestia has no reason for sending us to find something that doesn’t exist; if she said that it happened, then it happened.”
Twilight really did believe her mentor was telling the truth. What reason did she have for sending them after a non-existent castle; maybe to play a prank on them? No, no; that wasn’t Celestia. There was a castle around here somewhere, and she was going to find it!
She just wished her friends shared her enthusiasm rather than keep up the whining and complaining. She had expected as much from Rainbow or Rarity, maybe Spike, but all the others had gradually joined in as the search wore on. Even Twilight had to admit that she was starting to get doubts about their mission; at least until she spotted an opening in the woods.
Leading the way out through it, she was confronted by a small hill surrounded by a light fog. What was standing on it was far more important, a castle; specifically, one that had never been seen in this area before. It seemed like an average castle at first sight, being tall and made of stone.
“Huh, guess the Princess really wasn’t lyin’,” Applejack commented. “I coulda’ sworn I saw somethin’ up with her when she asked us, though.”
“It doesn’t matter, we finally found it!” Twilight exclaimed with shut eyes and a very confident smile.
“Yea, but…what do we do with it?” Spike asked.
Twilight deadpanned at this.
“I uh…actually, I don’t know,” she said, putting a hoof to her chin while she observed the structure. “We weren’t really told what to do with it when we found it. Maybe…go back and tell them where it is?”
“I, um…I have an idea,” Fluttershy whispered. “Why don’t’ we try, erm…knocking?”
“That’s a great idea, Fluttershy!” Dash said, turning to the castle. “HELLO!?”
“Rainbow, I doubt there’s anything really in-”
Before Twilight finished, she was interrupted by a voice from the top of the castle’s wall.
“’Allo, who is zis?”
At the top of the castle, the head of a single, small figure appeared; though it was not that of a pony, of any creature they had seen or heard of before. He did not seem to have any fur, scales, or feathers covering his body, save for a thick mustache. Though it was rather hard to tell if it had any more, as it wore a suit of armor over most of its body, save for the face.
“Uh…hey?”
“I already said ‘allo!” the figure shouted back angrily in a strange accent. “Now wadda you want!?”
“Um…”
Twilight and the others stared for a bit, unsure of how to respond to the situation; needless to say, this annoyed the creature.
“Well? I ‘aven’t got all day!” he yelled. “Say your business or you shall be taunted!”
“Alright, whose castle is this?” Twilight asked. “Is it yours?”
“Zis is the castle of my masta, Guy de Loimbard!”
“That is certainly a…royal sounding name,” Rarity said.
“Of course it iz, he’s royalty!”
“Can we talk to him?” Twilight asked.
“Of course not, he is very busy and has no interest in wastin’ his time with silly little horses.”
“Hey, we’re not horses pal,” Rainbow said. “We’re ponies!”
“You are horses and you are only good for pulling de carts and ze making of de glues and pushing into zee quicksand when one is bored,” the creature said plainly.
“Well what are you supposed to be!?” Rainbow yelled back, obviously angered.
“Ah’m French! Why do you think I have zis outrageous accent you silly horse!?”
“French? Is that what your species calls itself?” Twilight asked. “Or is that your nation or-”
“Shat up!” the Frenchman yelled. “That does not matter!”
“What’re you doin’ in Equestria?” Applejack asked.
“Mind your own business!”
It was a very odd development indeed. None of the group knew exactly what to do. It was odd enough that a strange castle with aliens inside, not to mention aliens as strange as these. Since she had never really been told what to do beyond this point, Twilight felt it would be best to call and ask her mentor for help.
“Spike, could you write a letter to Celestia asking her to come over here?” she asked.
The dragon complied, writing up a quick letter as the unicorn looked back up to the alien.
“Could you tell me a little bit about yourself?” she asked.
“What do you think zi es, a date? Why should I waste ma time with some pretty-painted talking horse?”
“Well, I’m sure we could learn a lot from each-other!”
“Bah, what could ze mighty kingdom of France learn from you? You have not gotten past ze making of de fires in da caves and de bashing of boulders on your heads for fun, while we have patented our own method of kissing!”
The Frenchman laughed heartedly at the group of ponies, much to their annoyance.
“What a strange creature,” Rarity commented. “He is certainly lacking in manners, though his accent is quite familiar.”
“Is this the alien I was told of?” a voice asked.
The group turned to see Princess Celestia, staring at the structure with a rather shocked look on her face.
“You must be kidding, you actually found a castle!?”
“Yes Princess, you know I wouldn’t let you down.”
Celestia took a deep sigh and shook her head; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Oh look, za big white one’s hair is floweh’, she must have drawn on ze fun flower one time too many!” he laughed.
“What does he call himself?”
“‘French’,” Twilight responded. “I think that’s what he calls his species.”
“Mr. Frenchpony-”
“Ah’m no pony and you won’t call me as such!” he retorted.
“Listen here, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria,” she introduced herself. “I demand that you treat myself and my ponies with respect!”
“And just what are you gonna do ‘bout et!?”
“I possess the power of the sun, and my sister the power of the moon; go and tell you master this!”
“Well, I’ll tell ‘em, but I don’t think he’ll care much; he can already do both a those, you see?”
“What?” Celestia asked, confused.
“What did he say, Princess?” Twilight asked.
“He..said that they can already do that!” Celestia said, looking back up to the Frenchman. “You cannot do those things, can you?”
“Oh yes, et’s very nice!” the being responded, before turning to his cohorts next him, hiding behind the wall. “I told ‘em we can already do ‘et.”
This sparked a quick wave of suppressed laughter before the first Frenchman turned back to the ponies.
“If you refuse to cooperate, then I will have to consider you a threat to my kingdom and its inhabitants!” Celestia warned.
“You don’t frighten us, horsey pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so called ‘Preencess Celestia’ and all your ‘poneeugh’ horses!”
The ponies were taken aback by the sudden outburst of random insults by the alien, who proceeded to stick his tongue out at them while tapping his helmet.
“Now look here-”
“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“I-is…is that bad?” Fluttershy asked.
“I guess, but I’m not even sure of what they’re saying,” Twilight said. “Excuse me, but is there somepony else we could talk to?”
“No! Now go eway or I shall taunt you eh second time!” he warned.
“This is your last chance,” Celestia warned. “I’ve been more than reasonable!”
The Frenchman paid no heed as he turned back to his comrades.
“Fetchez la vache.”
“Que?”
“Fetchez la vache!”
Celestia continued speaking to no one until she heard what sounded like a catapult launching something. It was immediately followed by a loud ‘Moo!’ as something shot out of the castle. The large, brown object flew from the air towards the group.
“Is that a…cow-”
She was unable to finish or move as a large cow fell directly on top of her.
“Princess, are you alright!?” Twilight asked, running over to her. “She’s unconscious!”
“Oh, that poor cow,” Fluttershy said, looking over the animal.
“Fluttershy, we don’t have time to worry about that; we have to stop these aliens!”
“How are we supposed to do that?” Rainbow asked.
“We’re the Elements of Harmony, Rainbow,” Twilight said, taking said magical artifacts out. “We should have no trouble handling this-”
The ‘twang’ of the catapult sounded again, hurling something else into the air.
“Is that a shark!?” Fluttershy observed. “Why do they have it on land?”
“Ooh, I’ve never seen a land shark before!” Pinkie exclaimed, moving to get a closer look.
Unfortunately, her ‘closer look’ put her in the animal’s target area; sure enough, the large fish came down right on top of her, knocking her out, as well.
“Well, what now?” Rainbow asked Twilight. “We can’t use the Elements unless we can all wield them.”
“Just gimme a second,” Twilight stammered. “I-I think I know a spell to wake them up; oh, what was it?”
“Bahahaha!” the Frenchman laughed at them. “You silly horses can do nothing against ze might of France! Go and dunk your heads in
a wine well, you cousins of a telemarketer!”
“That’s it!” Rainbow said furiously. “CHARGE!”
Rarity and Applejack followed behind her, followed rather reluctantly by Twilight and Fluttershy. The group got up to the wall of the castle, but Rainbow apparently did not think this far ahead. She contented herself with punching the stone wall, to little effect.
“Hey, zis one es for your mother!” another Frenchman yelled, throwing a duck at them and picking up a goose. “And zis is for your gran!”
The French proceeded in their impenetrable defense tactic. Many of them got up to the wall and began to hurl random animals down upon the hapless group of ponies. They added to this whatever random objects that were immediately around them, such as a cheese wheel that was lodged on Rarity’s horn.
“Any more bright ideas, Rainbow!?” Twilight rhetorically asked.
In response, the pegasus tried to fly up to the wall, but was nailed in the head by one of the soldiers wielding an extremely thick, and apparently extremely hard, baguette, sending her back to the ground.
“Ah, there’s gotta be some-” a fat, living, angry cat smacked Rainbow in the head, who proceeded to claw away at the terrified pegasus. “RUN AWAY!”
The group did just so, stopping to pick up Pinkie and Celestia before running into the wood line; the French, still safe in their castle, celebrated by taunting and laughing at their foes.
“Can we try things my way now, Rainbow?” Twilight asked the pegasus, who had finally thrown the cat off her face and into a bush.
“S-sure Twilight,” she said, panting. “J-just…just m-make…sure…I get to…sock those lousy-”
The cat sprung back onto Dash’s head.
“AH! GET IT OFF!”
“Ugh, what…what happened?” Celestia asked, rubbing her head as she sat up.
“Princess!” Twilight jumped. “Are you alright? How do you feel?”
“I-I have a bit of a headache; what…happened?”
“Well, we found the castle like you asked, and it had these strange creatures inside who called themselves ‘French’, and they knocked you out when the shot a cow at you,” she explained.
“Ah, yes; now I remember,” she sighed. “Were you able to do something about them?”
“Uh…no, not yet anyways,” Twilight replied, looking down. “But, I did come up with a way to trick them!”
“What? How?”
“Come see,” she said, leading the Princess to the tree line where the others were hiding. “Watch the road.”
This she did, keeping her eyes fixed on the dirt path that lead to the castle door. Slowly, a large, wooden structure emerged from the trees and, pushed by Twilight’s magic, made its way up to the castle. The large timber statue seemed to resemble a pony is some ways, and was easily recognizable. The Frenchmen also took notice, with a few coming out to look over the object; after a short time, and a few undistinguishable voices coming from inside, the statue was rolled inside and the gates closed.
“Yes, they took it!” Twilight exclaimed.
“What is it supposed to do?” Celestia asked. “Is it supposed to hold something?”
“Yes actually,” Twilight explained. “You see, the pony itself is hollow; when night falls and they are all sleeping, me, Rainbow, and Applejack will jump out, surprise them, and open the castle. They won’t have any idea what hit them!”
“Um…could you repeat the first part?”
“Yes; it’s where Rainbow and Applejack and I jump out and surprise them.”
“Who jumps out?”
“Erm…Dash…and Applejack…and…myself…um…”
“And you’re all still sitting right here, rather than inside the statue?”
“Uhm…I suppose,” she replied with an embarrassing blush over her face.
Celestia rubbed a hoof over her face; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Well…m-maybe if we built this…large wooden rabbit-”
“Twilight, do not fret over this any longer,” Celestia interrupted. “We shall settle this matter another day.”
“What? But Princess-”
“I just want to go home, Twilight,” she sighed.
Before she could get up, the sound of the catapult indicated another launch. The same statue that had been brought into the castle was now flying through the air, straight towards their hiding spot. More specifically, it was falling towards Celestia’s spot.
“Oh no,” she groaned. “Not again-”
The ponies spent the rest of the day dragging their unconscious ruler back through the woods. The French taunted them all the way back, the voices from their castle echoing through the woods like an insulting breeze. It had not been a fun, or easy, task in any way. All in all, they decided to stay away from the French from there on out.
I came.
As a Frenchman, I fand zis iz most distastefoul.
Beute you get moustache nonezeeless
Translation: Your mother was a slut and your father is an alcoholic.
All of my yes.
3749488
There's actually tones of hidden Easter Eggs and innuendos in Monty Python's work.
And of course the...not-so-hidden
No Way! Someone actually wrote a fic with Mo- give me a sec, I gotta read this.
So beautiful . . . *wipes away tear*
Bahahhahahahahahhaha--hahahhahahahhaa-oh that slaps me on the knee! Is it odd if I read all the frenchmen's voice out loud? This should be a radio play!
3749488
I thought they were insulting her mom's size and that her father liked to eat psychedelic fruit... Of course I don't know what elderberries are though...
I wave my private parts at your aunties!
Good god man! That was BEAUTIFUL!!!! MOAR!
You keep hitting return at random spots.
Then Celestia gathers an army and storms the castle only for the British Police to come and haul her and Twilight away
The Big Blue Blob strikes again! Frances is OP, nerf plz.
3749891 Elderberries (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elderberries) are used in some types of wine. They have no halucinogenic properties, though the french do make liqueur from them (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St._Germain_%28liqueur%29). Therefore, probably an alcoholic reference. Not certain about the hamster though.
You know what this means right? The French will breed like bunnies until there are more of them then parasprites.
I for one support our new French overlords! Vive le français!
I read this aloud. Only way you can do this piece of literary art justice.
3751448 i like to imagine your profile pic as your reaction face
you should do constitutional peasants.
Because I would love to see how they act differently towards imperialism.
3752267
I just might...
3752286
or do the ponified Mr.Hilter
or Biggus Dickus
whatever's your choice, I love these stories
Cute. And since Fluttershy discusses French fashion in one episode, it is canon that there is a France somewhere in the Ponyverse...
I wonder how Fluttershy could tame the killer rabbit.
Such genius has never before, nor will it ever again grace Fimfiction.
Well done, sire. Well done.
In case anyone is curious.
It took me a bit to get the accent down right, but I got it and damn was it hilarious. It is probably my biggest regret that I have not yet seen Holy Grail in it's entirety.
3750198
Hamsters, like rabbits and other small mammals, are notorious for their impeccable breeding rate.
3752893
Throw Angel at it. One of them has to die.
I fart in your general direction!!
YOUR MOTHER WAS A HAMSTER
Oh God my lungs! Can't stop laughing! X 9,000
3749488
Hi. I like your avatar.
3754060 Thanks.
GODDAMN YOU PINKIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
anyway fic is f***in Platinum!!
I needed this! This is great! DO MORE, DO MORE!
I already did the 'Romanus Eunt Dominus' thing in one of my stories, though with needed changes, of course.
Quite fun. But I found it a bit hard to think Twilight, Rarity and Celestia didn't use their magic at all.
Wowee, wowee, zowee, someone replaced all the monty python characters with ponies? How well-thought-out and original. What creative idea will you think of next?
hahahahahaha!!!!
That was hysterical. I actually laughed out loud, which is rare for me. BRAVO!!!
3752286 You should do a sequel to this one-shot where Celestia and the Mane Six arrive back at Canterlot...only to discover that the French have taken control of Canterlot. (Like how the French suddenly showed up at the Castle Aggghhh in the movie.)
3750644 You would think that Celestia would be happy that the French are in Equestria. I mean...lots of French people means that they will make lots and lots of French cakes, right?
This is awesome! I was kind of waiting for someone to write about the French from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Too bad Fluttershy didn't find the Killer Bunneh...
:Oh, it looks so cute and harmless!
:I'm warning you...you haven't seen what I saw it do earlier!
: what's it gonna do?....Nibble your bum?
As fun of a read this was... I still found it rather disappointing that a good ninety percent of the jokes where just taken straight from the movie. Which isn't that bad, because the movie jokes were funny. But I was going into this thinking that you had a whole line of pony/french related jokes ready for me as a reader.
Other than that the few original jokes that were in there, and by that I mean few. Were good and I'll give this, 3.5/5. Which is average in my book. It made me chuckle, but it didn't leave me impressed.
3755726
Shut up spoiler!
3754861
Well, people seem to like.
I did this because i thought it would be funny, and thought others would find it funny. I don't know why you're so bothered, but you might want to at least try and be a little more respectful to people in general, if anything. I can respect your opinion, but if you've got to word it in such a sarcastic, smart-aleck way, then that sort of rebukes any real reason you have. You've got very little room to talk.
3756196
You'll see a good 50% of my work is more military related. This is just something i didn't see done, and decided it'd be fun to do. I wasn't really trying to be impressive, just keep it normal and free of mistakes.
3756222 You could have them throw out all of Celestia's secret cake stash.
3756196
Though i would like to sincerly thank you on the constructive criticism; I like to get it with each story i make to become better. I thought I wouldn't have any for this one, but that's impossible, of course.
3756222
I have plenty of room to talk as I have an opinion, like everyone else here, and I at least try to be original every once in a while. Does no one here have any room to talk?
Maybe next time you should just not think.
Why would I respect anyone on a MLP fansite?
I guess next time I'll just come straight out and say that I think randomly ponifying everything is stupid and uncreative.
3756354
>I can say what i want because i can have an opinon.
>Maybe you shouldn't think.
....
Christ, not even politicians are this contradicting.
3756379
I didn't contradict anything.
Christ, even children in third-world countries aren't this uneducated.
3756392
You honestly don't see any contradiction? Ok, you're either drunk or a troll, and considering just how blatantly rude you're getting, bringing up poor third-world children and saying others don't have a right to think while you do, I'm guessing it's the latter.
I'm not wasting time with you any longer, so I'll leave you with this; maybe it is clear enough to flow down to your level.
3756426
Your problem is you assume thinking and having an opinion are the same thing. They're certainly not, and mentioning the level of education for children in third-world countries isn't rude. It's well-known that they generally aren't very educated. I think you're just too sensitive. In any case, I enjoyed our brief talk, and I hope you'll consider not plagiarizing in the future. Until next time, adieu.
Don't do anything you might regret.
3753071
Uh, you think you might be over-reacting? The only effort i had to do was make sure everything fit properly and was gramatically correct. It's not really the Gone With the Wind of MLP (or some better fitting example). It's just that no one ever did this scene before.
3756485
Heh, well, perhaps. Admittedly I'm incredibly biased and love that movie, so do take my praise with a grain of salt. I'll profess I may have been simply taken by the premise, sire.
3756540
It's ok, I do appreciate it. I mean, I get it's basically Monty Python with a few MLP replacements, but the sheer fact that no one bothered to do this before just baffled me. Premise alone can be enough to gain praise.