You Should Have Stayed Home
“Twilight, can we go home now?” Spike wined as the group marched through the woods.
“Yea, I’m with him,” Rainbow agreed.
“No,” Twilight sighed.
She was getting tired of the complaining coming from these two; it only made things harder. She had lost her way in the forest more times than she would like to admit. If any of her other friends started, she might just lose it.
“Why not? I’ve got important stuff to do, y’know.”
“Like what?”
“Napping, for one thing.”
“Yea, I could go for some sleep,” Spike said.
“You know we can’t go home until we find this castle,” Twilight explained. “Princess Celestia told us herself.”
“To find a castle that just dropped out of the sky?” Spike asked. “Twilight, don’t you think she might be sending you on a wild goose chase?”
Twilight shot an annoyed look at him.
“Why in Equestria would she want to do that, Spike?”
“I dunno, it just seems a little…out there.”
“We’ll find it soon, I’m sure of it,” Twilight assured the group. “Besides, Princess Celestia has no reason for sending us to find something that doesn’t exist; if she said that it happened, then it happened.”
Twilight really did believe her mentor was telling the truth. What reason did she have for sending them after a non-existent castle; maybe to play a prank on them? No, no; that wasn’t Celestia. There was a castle around here somewhere, and she was going to find it!
She just wished her friends shared her enthusiasm rather than keep up the whining and complaining. She had expected as much from Rainbow or Rarity, maybe Spike, but all the others had gradually joined in as the search wore on. Even Twilight had to admit that she was starting to get doubts about their mission; at least until she spotted an opening in the woods.
Leading the way out through it, she was confronted by a small hill surrounded by a light fog. What was standing on it was far more important, a castle; specifically, one that had never been seen in this area before. It seemed like an average castle at first sight, being tall and made of stone.
“Huh, guess the Princess really wasn’t lyin’,” Applejack commented. “I coulda’ sworn I saw somethin’ up with her when she asked us, though.”
“It doesn’t matter, we finally found it!” Twilight exclaimed with shut eyes and a very confident smile.
“Yea, but…what do we do with it?” Spike asked.
Twilight deadpanned at this.
“I uh…actually, I don’t know,” she said, putting a hoof to her chin while she observed the structure. “We weren’t really told what to do with it when we found it. Maybe…go back and tell them where it is?”
“I, um…I have an idea,” Fluttershy whispered. “Why don’t’ we try, erm…knocking?”
“That’s a great idea, Fluttershy!” Dash said, turning to the castle. “HELLO!?”
“Rainbow, I doubt there’s anything really in-”
Before Twilight finished, she was interrupted by a voice from the top of the castle’s wall.
“’Allo, who is zis?”
At the top of the castle, the head of a single, small figure appeared; though it was not that of a pony, of any creature they had seen or heard of before. He did not seem to have any fur, scales, or feathers covering his body, save for a thick mustache. Though it was rather hard to tell if it had any more, as it wore a suit of armor over most of its body, save for the face.
“Uh…hey?”
“I already said ‘allo!” the figure shouted back angrily in a strange accent. “Now wadda you want!?”
“Um…”
Twilight and the others stared for a bit, unsure of how to respond to the situation; needless to say, this annoyed the creature.
“Well? I ‘aven’t got all day!” he yelled. “Say your business or you shall be taunted!”
“Alright, whose castle is this?” Twilight asked. “Is it yours?”
“Zis is the castle of my masta, Guy de Loimbard!”
“That is certainly a…royal sounding name,” Rarity said.
“Of course it iz, he’s royalty!”
“Can we talk to him?” Twilight asked.
“Of course not, he is very busy and has no interest in wastin’ his time with silly little horses.”
“Hey, we’re not horses pal,” Rainbow said. “We’re ponies!”
“You are horses and you are only good for pulling de carts and ze making of de glues and pushing into zee quicksand when one is bored,” the creature said plainly.
“Well what are you supposed to be!?” Rainbow yelled back, obviously angered.
“Ah’m French! Why do you think I have zis outrageous accent you silly horse!?”
“French? Is that what your species calls itself?” Twilight asked. “Or is that your nation or-”
“Shat up!” the Frenchman yelled. “That does not matter!”
“What’re you doin’ in Equestria?” Applejack asked.
“Mind your own business!”
It was a very odd development indeed. None of the group knew exactly what to do. It was odd enough that a strange castle with aliens inside, not to mention aliens as strange as these. Since she had never really been told what to do beyond this point, Twilight felt it would be best to call and ask her mentor for help.
“Spike, could you write a letter to Celestia asking her to come over here?” she asked.
The dragon complied, writing up a quick letter as the unicorn looked back up to the alien.
“Could you tell me a little bit about yourself?” she asked.
“What do you think zi es, a date? Why should I waste ma time with some pretty-painted talking horse?”
“Well, I’m sure we could learn a lot from each-other!”
“Bah, what could ze mighty kingdom of France learn from you? You have not gotten past ze making of de fires in da caves and de bashing of boulders on your heads for fun, while we have patented our own method of kissing!”
The Frenchman laughed heartedly at the group of ponies, much to their annoyance.
“What a strange creature,” Rarity commented. “He is certainly lacking in manners, though his accent is quite familiar.”
“Is this the alien I was told of?” a voice asked.
The group turned to see Princess Celestia, staring at the structure with a rather shocked look on her face.
“You must be kidding, you actually found a castle!?”
“Yes Princess, you know I wouldn’t let you down.”
Celestia took a deep sigh and shook her head; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Oh look, za big white one’s hair is floweh’, she must have drawn on ze fun flower one time too many!” he laughed.
“What does he call himself?”
“‘French’,” Twilight responded. “I think that’s what he calls his species.”
“Mr. Frenchpony-”
“Ah’m no pony and you won’t call me as such!” he retorted.
“Listen here, I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria,” she introduced herself. “I demand that you treat myself and my ponies with respect!”
“And just what are you gonna do ‘bout et!?”
“I possess the power of the sun, and my sister the power of the moon; go and tell you master this!”
“Well, I’ll tell ‘em, but I don’t think he’ll care much; he can already do both a those, you see?”
“What?” Celestia asked, confused.
“What did he say, Princess?” Twilight asked.
“He..said that they can already do that!” Celestia said, looking back up to the Frenchman. “You cannot do those things, can you?”
“Oh yes, et’s very nice!” the being responded, before turning to his cohorts next him, hiding behind the wall. “I told ‘em we can already do ‘et.”
This sparked a quick wave of suppressed laughter before the first Frenchman turned back to the ponies.
“If you refuse to cooperate, then I will have to consider you a threat to my kingdom and its inhabitants!” Celestia warned.
“You don’t frighten us, horsey pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottoms sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so called ‘Preencess Celestia’ and all your ‘poneeugh’ horses!”
The ponies were taken aback by the sudden outburst of random insults by the alien, who proceeded to stick his tongue out at them while tapping his helmet.
“Now look here-”
“I don’t wanna talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food-trough water! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!”
“I-is…is that bad?” Fluttershy asked.
“I guess, but I’m not even sure of what they’re saying,” Twilight said. “Excuse me, but is there somepony else we could talk to?”
“No! Now go eway or I shall taunt you eh second time!” he warned.
“This is your last chance,” Celestia warned. “I’ve been more than reasonable!”
The Frenchman paid no heed as he turned back to his comrades.
“Fetchez la vache.”
“Que?”
“Fetchez la vache!”
Celestia continued speaking to no one until she heard what sounded like a catapult launching something. It was immediately followed by a loud ‘Moo!’ as something shot out of the castle. The large, brown object flew from the air towards the group.
“Is that a…cow-”
She was unable to finish or move as a large cow fell directly on top of her.
“Princess, are you alright!?” Twilight asked, running over to her. “She’s unconscious!”
“Oh, that poor cow,” Fluttershy said, looking over the animal.
“Fluttershy, we don’t have time to worry about that; we have to stop these aliens!”
“How are we supposed to do that?” Rainbow asked.
“We’re the Elements of Harmony, Rainbow,” Twilight said, taking said magical artifacts out. “We should have no trouble handling this-”
The ‘twang’ of the catapult sounded again, hurling something else into the air.
“Is that a shark!?” Fluttershy observed. “Why do they have it on land?”
“Ooh, I’ve never seen a land shark before!” Pinkie exclaimed, moving to get a closer look.
Unfortunately, her ‘closer look’ put her in the animal’s target area; sure enough, the large fish came down right on top of her, knocking her out, as well.
“Well, what now?” Rainbow asked Twilight. “We can’t use the Elements unless we can all wield them.”
“Just gimme a second,” Twilight stammered. “I-I think I know a spell to wake them up; oh, what was it?”
“Bahahaha!” the Frenchman laughed at them. “You silly horses can do nothing against ze might of France! Go and dunk your heads in
a wine well, you cousins of a telemarketer!”
“That’s it!” Rainbow said furiously. “CHARGE!”
Rarity and Applejack followed behind her, followed rather reluctantly by Twilight and Fluttershy. The group got up to the wall of the castle, but Rainbow apparently did not think this far ahead. She contented herself with punching the stone wall, to little effect.
“Hey, zis one es for your mother!” another Frenchman yelled, throwing a duck at them and picking up a goose. “And zis is for your gran!”
The French proceeded in their impenetrable defense tactic. Many of them got up to the wall and began to hurl random animals down upon the hapless group of ponies. They added to this whatever random objects that were immediately around them, such as a cheese wheel that was lodged on Rarity’s horn.
“Any more bright ideas, Rainbow!?” Twilight rhetorically asked.
In response, the pegasus tried to fly up to the wall, but was nailed in the head by one of the soldiers wielding an extremely thick, and apparently extremely hard, baguette, sending her back to the ground.
“Ah, there’s gotta be some-” a fat, living, angry cat smacked Rainbow in the head, who proceeded to claw away at the terrified pegasus. “RUN AWAY!”
The group did just so, stopping to pick up Pinkie and Celestia before running into the wood line; the French, still safe in their castle, celebrated by taunting and laughing at their foes.
“Can we try things my way now, Rainbow?” Twilight asked the pegasus, who had finally thrown the cat off her face and into a bush.
“S-sure Twilight,” she said, panting. “J-just…just m-make…sure…I get to…sock those lousy-”
The cat sprung back onto Dash’s head.
“AH! GET IT OFF!”
“Ugh, what…what happened?” Celestia asked, rubbing her head as she sat up.
“Princess!” Twilight jumped. “Are you alright? How do you feel?”
“I-I have a bit of a headache; what…happened?”
“Well, we found the castle like you asked, and it had these strange creatures inside who called themselves ‘French’, and they knocked you out when the shot a cow at you,” she explained.
“Ah, yes; now I remember,” she sighed. “Were you able to do something about them?”
“Uh…no, not yet anyways,” Twilight replied, looking down. “But, I did come up with a way to trick them!”
“What? How?”
“Come see,” she said, leading the Princess to the tree line where the others were hiding. “Watch the road.”
This she did, keeping her eyes fixed on the dirt path that lead to the castle door. Slowly, a large, wooden structure emerged from the trees and, pushed by Twilight’s magic, made its way up to the castle. The large timber statue seemed to resemble a pony is some ways, and was easily recognizable. The Frenchmen also took notice, with a few coming out to look over the object; after a short time, and a few undistinguishable voices coming from inside, the statue was rolled inside and the gates closed.
“Yes, they took it!” Twilight exclaimed.
“What is it supposed to do?” Celestia asked. “Is it supposed to hold something?”
“Yes actually,” Twilight explained. “You see, the pony itself is hollow; when night falls and they are all sleeping, me, Rainbow, and Applejack will jump out, surprise them, and open the castle. They won’t have any idea what hit them!”
“Um…could you repeat the first part?”
“Yes; it’s where Rainbow and Applejack and I jump out and surprise them.”
“Who jumps out?”
“Erm…Dash…and Applejack…and…myself…um…”
“And you’re all still sitting right here, rather than inside the statue?”
“Uhm…I suppose,” she replied with an embarrassing blush over her face.
Celestia rubbed a hoof over her face; only Twilight Sparkle…
“Well…m-maybe if we built this…large wooden rabbit-”
“Twilight, do not fret over this any longer,” Celestia interrupted. “We shall settle this matter another day.”
“What? But Princess-”
“I just want to go home, Twilight,” she sighed.
Before she could get up, the sound of the catapult indicated another launch. The same statue that had been brought into the castle was now flying through the air, straight towards their hiding spot. More specifically, it was falling towards Celestia’s spot.
“Oh no,” she groaned. “Not again-”
The ponies spent the rest of the day dragging their unconscious ruler back through the woods. The French taunted them all the way back, the voices from their castle echoing through the woods like an insulting breeze. It had not been a fun, or easy, task in any way. All in all, they decided to stay away from the French from there on out.