Beautiful Hearts and Suicide Notes
“To the finder of this note:
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you. All of you. I promise I never meant for things be this way. All I ever wanted was to smile and laugh and be happy like you. To wake up every day and look at the birds and the trees and the sun and feel the warmth I heard so many stories about. To look in the mirror and see my reflection and look at it like someone I could trust. I wanted to walk out the door and be greeted by the bright faces of ponies who cared about me, and I cared about, too. Maybe I could brighten up their day just a little, if only for a second, with a hug or kind word or a muffin. Maybe if they felt sad I could cheer them up, and maybe they would do the same for me. And finally, I always wanted to fall asleep every night with the hope that things might just be better tomorrow.
But I hurt you, and for that I couldn’t get what I wanted. I didn’t deserve it. My existence didn’t bring you happiness, only anger and pain. I tried to give you the love that I had, but every time I tried to make you happy, I always messed up. I tried my very, very, very best, but no matter how hard I tried I only made things worse for you. You hated me, and I understand why. I hated me, too. If you’ve taught me anything, it’s that being different is just too hard, and that’s why you don’t want ponies like me. How can we all live in harmony if there are ponies like me around? Somepony could get hurt; that’s why we all have to be the same. You could never trust me, so neither did I. Somepony like me has no place, you said. I make you sick, you said. Just go away, you said.
So I did. And you replaced me. And nothing that really mattered was lost. Everyone will like it better this way. No one will be sad or angry because of me. Now that I’m gone, you can all finally be happy. I won’t mess anything up ever again. Everypony will be the same. Nopony else will cry again, not even me. I’ve cried enough. You can wake up surrounded by ponies you love, and who love you, too.
Every day I woke up alone. I would walk up to the mirror and see a pony who’s caused nothing but hurt. Those eyes reminded me of everything I’d done. They would fill with tears until I didn’t have any more left. I just wanted to close them forever. I’d walk outside and no matter what I’d do ponies wanted me gone. At the end of the day I’d cry myself to sleep with nothing but regrets. Maybe I won’t get to see daylight shining in my window again. Maybe I won’t ever get to feel the warmth of a friend’s hooves, comforting me, telling me it’s going to be OK. Maybe I’ll never be able to do the same for somepony else. But if me being gone makes you happy, then that’s what I’ll do, because really, it’ll make me happy, too.
Goodbye,
I love you,
Derpy Hooves”
You could not believe it. You dashed the note away with a frantic wave of your hoof. For a moment, all you could do was simply sit, petrified, and allow the shock to set in.
You’d been asked by Rainbow Dash to bring Derpy to Sugarcube corner to attend the surprise birthday party she and her friends had planned. Everypony who was anypony was going to be there. The decorations, the catering, the ambiance, everything was lavishly planned on a grand scale, no expense spared, and all for the shy little mailmare. Fluttershy mentioned at some point or another that she‘d noticed Derpy being especially melancholy, so naturally Pinkie Pie wouldn’t rest until they’d shown some grand gesture of kindness to her. There was more than that, though, and you knew it. Not everypony said it, but her adorable, clumsy mannerisms; her warm, gentle personality; and her uniquely adorable smiling face always found a way to turn even the darkest, blackest of nights into a cozy, friendly evening. Everypony had always loved her, but never got the opportunity to show it; either they were too shy or Derpy was too shy to reciprocate it.
The wind slammed the front door to Derpy’s home behind you, jolting you back into consciousness. Frantically, as if the entire structure were engulfed in flames and crashing down around you, you dashed about and searched for her. From the threshold of the door, where you found the note, up through every room you could think of, you ripped the place apart for her. You turned over furniture. You looked in closets. All the while shouting her name on permanent repeat.
“Derpy!” you cried violently.
“Derpy, where are you!?” you cried again, this time your voice cracked as your eyes filled with tears. You nearly collapsed to the floor under the weight of your distress, faltering slightly in your step as you continued your search.
“Derpy, please be ok…” you sobbed softly, sorrow overtaking your capacity to yell.
Rushing upstairs and through a long, cavernous corridor of a hallway, you arrived at the door to Derpy’s bedroom, the final room to search. As you reached hurriedly to open it, you heard a horrible, thunderous crashing sound. Wood hit against wood, followed by a great muffled thump.
“Derpy!!” You yelled hysterically at the absolute top of your lungs. You didn’t care if anyone heard you; all you cared about was that Derpy was alive and safe. Heart pounding, breath racing, you pushed against the door with all your might. Not a budge. The lock was sealed tight. You pushed again, fueled by sheer, unrelenting determination. Still nothing.
Your resolve would not waver. Backing up several feet, you braced yourself to completely demolish the door. Taking a large breath, holding it in, you rushed at the large, locked, wooden door like some enraged bull. The door stood firm, and the resulting shock dashed you against the ground like a mutilated rag doll. Adrenaline, however, made you impervious to the pain, and if anything it augmented your drive even more intensely than it already was.
You backed up several more feet this time, to the point where you almost touched the opposite end of the hallway. No force in the world could keep you from her now. You steadied your feet, lowered your head, closed your eyes, and ran, ran like you never ran before in your entire life. You ran faster than you would than if you were running for your own life.
The door gave way, splintering with impact and sending you flying, bullet-like into the room. It took you a moment to collect yourself, to make the world beneath your feet stop spinning wildly and for your eyes to make out anything other than brilliant splashes of colors. Colors, though, eventually gave way to silhouettes, and then still to the world. The room was bleakly, unnervingly dark. The blinds draping the windows let in only the faintest slivers of light, sporadically casting thin white blades over the walls. Scattered, evanescent bits of dust added dimension to the light before receding into the darkness once more. As your eyes adjust, the first thing you are able to see is Derpy, lying motionless on the floor across the room.
It soon became the only thing you could see; the only thing that mattered. Nearly tripping over what remained of the door, then again over a frail, fallen wooden chair obscured by the darkness, you rushed to Derpy’s side. Placing a hoof at the arch of her back and another at the base of her neck, you cradle her limp form in your embrace. Her eyes and her mouth were closed, not a muscle stirred, and her thin, delicate frame brought to mind holding a little bird.
“Derpy…” you whisper as the tears drip in cascades down your face. The world seemed so small now, compressed to the shape and size of a single pony, and it was an empty world. A world without the bright eyes and warm smile of a pony who never thought ill of anyone, that is what you saw, looking on like Luna from the moon in her infinite solitude.
You could no longer endure it. You collapsed, placing your head on Derpy’s chest and dolorously sobbing uncontrollably. Moments became eternities as a million thoughts darted in and out of your mind at breakneck speed: what you should have done differently, what you’d do if you only had one more day with her, apologizing for any wrongdoing you might have done to her. But all the thoughts were transient in your sadness, and all melted together into static.
You felt a strange sensation as you pressed against Derpy’s body. You paused, pulling her closer to pinpoint its origin. Her chest moved faintly up and down in a slow dirge of a rhythm.
You pulled back, jolting into a kneeling position, still holding her in your forelimbs. Your eyes widened as impulsively, almost instinctively you called to her, urging her to wake with your hooves and words.
“Derpy! Wake up, Derpy! Please be OK, Derpy, please!” you cried, the magnitude of the world flooding back to you, wanting nothing more than for her to experience its majesty even for a moment.
For a second, there was silence.
As her chest moved inward and outward in full, complete breaths, her eyelids parted in the smallest fraction visible, if only barely so in the darkness of the room.
Jubilantly, you threw your forelegs around her shoulders into an embrace. Her eyes jolted open, taking a moment to register the universe she found herself in. Dumbstruck, she looked about the room and then to you.
“Wha… What’s going on?” she calmly, sincerely asked.
“You almost… left us, Derpy.” You replied, your voice quivering with relief and sorrow.
“Us?” she inquired.
“Yes, us, your friends.” You told her.
“I… I didn’t think I had any of those.” She said in nearly a whisper, half to you, half to herself.
“Of course you do!” You said, raising your voice slightly and pulling her out of your embrace for a moment. You placed her hoofs on her shoulders, your eyes parallel, looking in to one another in a connection that neither of you could fully explain.
“You’re surrounded by ponies that care about you, and you’d see that if you’d just open-” you paused. A beam of light fell across her face, divinely illuminating her amber eyes, each looking in completely opposite directions. You smiled. “-your eyes,” you finished.
“bu…but they said-” she began to speak uneasily.
“I know what they said. I read your note.” You hesitated again, as if to wipe all memory of that horrible past away. “If they say those things, they’re not your friends. You can’t let ponies like that hurt you,” you reassured her.
“They said they knew what was best for me...” She uttered. Her voice trailed off, low and disheartened.
“They lied, Derpy! They only cared about themselves. They couldn’t accept that someone could be different and still be beautiful. And you are, you are one of the most beautiful ponies I’ve ever known, and I don’t just mean on the outside. If they can’t accept all the love and kindness you have to give to this world because of the way you are, well, they’re missing out.”
In that moment, Derpy’s eyes lit up as if by some fire in the back of her mind. She threw her forelegs around you as tears of contentment flowed down her face and dropped and broke like glass on the floor in a bright rhythm. She held you like she held on to everything beautiful she’d longed for, you becoming the tangible manifestation. All the while a smile of pure innocence and bliss like you’d never known or would ever know spread across her face.
You returned her embrace as best you could, but to try to emulate something so pure is an endeavor bound to fail. You poured your heart for her in that embrace, passing emotions to one another by contact alone, you letting her know that everything is okay, and she simply saying ‘thank you’.
After a moment, your eyes fell to a thin white wisp around Derpy’s neck. Upon closer inspection, it revealed itself to be a little string of twine, wrapped in a simple knot around her neck and haplessly frayed at the end. You looked upward, wondering if the remaining segment could be near. Sure enough, there was another broken bit of twine wrapped around the blade of a large ceiling fan in the center of the room.
“Derpy, did you try to-” she nodded.
“With… this?” she nodded again.
You couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle at how heartwarming, how endearing she was. “Let’s go home, Derpy, to your true friends,” you said, but at this statement she only held on to you harder, wordlessly begging you to stay for just one more moment. So stay you did, for moments too numerous to count in a lifetime as the rays of sun danced across the walls. You stayed there together as the world ceaselessly turned, content to remain safe and secure in the loving arms of a friend.
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Who's cutting onion again?
Oh joy, yet another emo crying about a tiny edit to a made up character.
Why do you people even write these?
It's like you want to stir up hate and flame wars.
Good day.
287047
What they need to do is listen to the writer of the episode; she was fine with the changes because she had no intention of even coming close to stigmatizing anyone. Besides, one of the SaveDerpy people called someone Hitler so they've lost the war by default.
Couldn't bring myself to read the note since i would end up bawling like a little filly
Loved the D'aaaaawwwww filled ending
Hmm, seems I missed the part where the author was calling for Hasbro and the anti-Derpy crowd to be sent to the gallows.
287047
Sounds to me like you're the one who's trying to "stir up hate and flame wars."
Dude... Do you ever have anything positive to say about anypony or their fanfics?
287094
I find it interesting that you mentioned Hitler to a user named "Wilhelm II."
287425
No, if someone writes a story that isn't them crying about a tiny change, then I'm fine with it.
And how is mentioning Hitler interesting?
Good day.
287047 please respect others stories. Thank you
287047
The only things I'm trying to stir up here are emotions and contemplative thought. Yes, the whole "Derpy situation" is the backdrop for this story and as such the story would not be the same without it. However, I wanted to write this with an ideal that encompasses a broader scope. Basically, it describes how the practice of excluding and marginalizing those percieved as "different" is exactly the kind of behavior that drives people to take their own lives. For this reason, we should embrace our quirks and faults, not attempt to supress them out of fear.
The most important part though, the one goal I place above all others in writing, is that emotion is invoked in the reader. That is what this piece is, really, an exploration of the inner turmoil of a character pushed to their breaking point. I could care less about the "scene politics" of it all. When I read a piece of writing, and I feel a connection to what the characters feel, if I feel it in even a fraction of its magnitude, I feel reinstated as a human being: I feel alive. If that makes me "emo", well then I'm emo as hell.
287627
When they don't leech off a hot topic then I will.
287716
Yes, but why Ditzy?
You could have done about Fluutershy,(been a pegasus living with earth ponies.)
That would have worked even better given how angel treats her.
And its annoying that everyone just suddenly comes up with these as soon as it started, like a baby cryng when its bottle gets taken away.
None of the changes in the eposide would have made this happen, people didn't hate her, they just hated the voice. (Which was a mistake, the voice actor thought that she was a colt.)
And about the emo thing, it's because you managed to look at some tiny changes and come up with Suicide.
Good day.
287806
If you must know, a lot of the future chapters of my main project The Carnation will be dedicated to the emotions of the Mane 6, so there's that.
I'll admit I was jumping on the bandwagon a bit with this one, though in the sense that I was inspired by current events. As far as people hating her, I agree to a point that they didn't really. What they did was from misconstrued self-righteousness, not hatred, but what they did was deliberately attempt to exclude a character who is percieved as "different", and if that character were a living person they may internalize that as character assasination or hate. People with low self-esteem tend to assume the worst in the actions of others, so acting like the world is better off without them is extremely dangerous
EDIT: Before it's brought up, I am not referring to the original Derpy. In fact, including a character like Derpy is a perfect example of embracing and celebrating our differences. The fact that she was removed, however, shows a disregard for that diversity and perpetuates the exclusion that I referred too.
trollfic. Also TL;DR
287833
See that was my whole piont, yet another person jumping on the bandwagon.
I've got no problem with the make up, it's just that bit really annoyed me.
Hope this goes well for you.
Good day.
287840
I knew someone would bring this up eventually. Let me make myself clear...
THIS IS NOT A TROLLFIC
I take my work very seriously. I consider what I do to be art, and writing something for the purpose of being inflammatory rather than invoking emotion sort of defeats the purpose.
I honestly am disappointed in the fact the this community would choose to feud over the finer details of the subject matter rather than discussing the story's literary merits.
trolls usually take their shit srsly. not saying you dont, but THIS? why a derpy emo shitfic? also, i will say it again.....TL;DR
287047
Firstly, you seem to far understate the point behind people being upset. The change, while perhaps numerically small, took out what was, for many, the most important part of that episode. That namecall was a testament to just how far this fandom came, to how much we had created, to how influential we had become. Remember, if you would, the huge reaction when it first happened. Almost everyone was ecstatic over it, for so many reasons. The removal of the name was a virtual slap in the face to many of us, a removal of something that we, as a community, could take pride in. That is no small change.
And I hope that you have nothing against people using writing as a medium of expressing their opinion on a topic. It shouldn't take an argument to show how fictional writing can be a good medium for argument and influence.
Last, I would like to point out that the point of these fics and the art and the writing and the like isn't to flame. The ultimate end to any of this is to state opinion and help to open the ground to reasonable argument and debate. Flaming will only be caused by unreasonable posting spiteful comments with no real justification.
287094
The author confirmed that the reason for the name being taken out was because of the possibility of 'Derp' being slang against retarded people. As the only way one can make this association is by condoning the use of the word 'retarded' in all the situations when it goes to describe basic mistakes or actions, we can come to two results from the author's words and some reasoning:
a) the 'controversy' and character removal was literaly caused by the misdefining of a word, which is probably not a good justification
And b) at the point where we condone the meaning of ‘derp’ to be offensive, we are condoning the use of ‘retard’ in an even more offensive way, thus making the potential impact of the name call less then the impact of removing it, turning the argument around.
So yes, people should listen to the show writer. She has given us insight on what happened. With this insight, we should be willing to much more effectively make a statement.
287806 I respect your opinion, but I know that if some said I was leeching off a "hot topic" that would piss me off
287866
Its not really a face slap is it?
Her eyes are still Derped, expect when Dash is angry at her.
The voice now sounds like a girl instead of a boy.
What I don't get is why people were happy in the first place, it's just a cartoon character.
287966
Well they are.
Good day.
288114
remember all the excitement because she got a name reference? Yeah, thats why its a face slap. All of that just got crushed.
And it isn't so much the character as the time and the work and the love that the community had for her getting full recognized.
but really, you're debating about the controversy on the comments on a site entirely dedicated to stories based in a universe of cartoon characters. I think the very fact that you have an account you are using on this site should deny your "its just a cartoon character" thing. I mean, every character on this site is either a cartoon character, or an imaginary character based on carton characters.
288169
No, I am here becasue I enjoy the series and find them easy to write for, but I feel no links to the characters, nor would I care if one of the mane 6 got axed, I like the show but I'm not mad about it.
And to be fair, Derpy is a silly name, what parent would call a kid that?
Thats why is was probaly a nickname, and it doesn't matter if nicknames are cut, she's still there, people should be grateful that she wasn't editied out when some one first pionted out the mistake.
Good day.
288179
my point was that you are a good example of people investing time and effort into a cartoon universe. Even if you feel no ties to the fandom or characters as a whole, you should be able to appreciate that there are those who, potentially spending only as much time as you do but in different ways, do.
'Derpy being a silly name' argument empirically denied within the setting by every other character in the show.
And it could be a nickname, lots of people would be fine with that, or think that it is. The episode could be interpreted that way. Nicknames, however, have just as much significance as real names, as they can say much more about a character. And what mistake would they have edited her out for? There has been no unintentional mistake (other then the voice actor thinking she was male, but that is easily overlooked and not what I am assuming you were referencing)
288213
I mean when she started out as just an animators error with the programing.
And by the way, I am a cold heartless bastard, I found My little dashie to be boring and full of plot holes so overall I can't understand why people would waste tears over something that is not real.
Good day.
288223
I can come up with a number of errors they would probably do away with before eyes pointing in the wrong direction. That stuff takes time to fix.
As for being a "cold heartless bastard," I see neither what that has to do with this discussion, nor why it should be an explanation for anything.
As for My Little Dashie, as you take so much pride in finding flaws, I am more inclined to believe that you are attempting to make yourself seem "too cool to be sad" then believing that you sat down with the intention of unbiasedly enjoying a story. I mean, really, your whole stich seems to be that you can't be bothered to agree with other people, and thus must attack their display of emotions. Real mature, right there. I'll also point out that, if you felt no emotion for that fix, even with any flaws you may have perceived, then I have no idea why you bother reading stories based around a character-driven series.
And, for what it's worth, I didn't cry at My Little Dashie either. It was sad, but I always have trouble crying at stories, even if they are really, really sad. And the ending, though really sad, was also just too fitting to be upset with. (To Be an Alicorn, on the other hand...)
288904
It was an explaintion for the '[Even if you feel no ties to the fandom or characters as a whole, you should be able to appreciate that there are those who'.
And '"too cool to be sad', is wrong, I don't care if I am cool or not.
Good day.
I liked it.
Don't worry about the "Neighsayers" Stay true to what you're writing and take the... critics with a grain of salt
287856
i loved this story and the comments you are getting dishearten me
cant we just love and tolerate this story.
love this work
I've read better. I've read worse. This story was good. Here have a Obama. You deserve it.
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg
Me: Oh gosh, nearly cried
Person: Aaaaaare you crying
Me: No you fag (Sorry if you don't like swearing) This is a great story
Wasn't the saddest story I ever read, and not the best, but i still loved it. Try to read it while listening to this: https://pony.fm/tracks/2548-derpy-hooves-ill-be-waiting
Btw don't take my last comment the wrong way, I loved your story.
thank you for such a fine story. I really felt what derpy was trying to say in her letter. I would be totally devastated if she had succeeded in her attempt at suicide, because I can see a great talent in you. I know that if she had succeeded, you would write a chapter that would've ripped my heart to shreds. I love derpy, as much as the doctor does. I was wondering if it was the doctor who found derpy. I hope she sees all the friends she has, at the party, and discovers how loved she really is. again thank you for a wonderful story.
I loved it. Thanks for writing it.
You should add a second person tag onto it. Other than that, this story is perfect.