A Tale of Adventure and Idiocy

by Friedlnator

Chapter 1

Once upon a time….
there was a village called “Emberwoods”, hidden in the mountains, far in the Frozen North. In this village were living like 100 ponies, and they never communicated with anyone outside. They only went in the near woods for wood cutting.
They lived for over 500 years in peace and harmony and no one ever left the village.

But that soon will change.

This story is about a young and brave unicorn-filly called “Night Flame” whose eager to leave the boring village and discovering the world and experiencing adventures. Destiny smiled to him and he soon got a chance to do so.

“Hey, Night Flame! Wanna hang out or play something?”
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I didn’t realize someone was approaching me. Left to me now stands a filly whose name I forgot, clearly excited about finding me.
I layed in a shadow of a tree behind the towns inn, where usually only drunk ponies came and vomited, but that only at night. To my advantage, my fur is black like the night so nobody would see me in the night and this way I barely ever was disturbed. But it was early morning, so here can have the most peace possible dispite my black fur.
Or i had.

“No. I don’t like you and I don’t like your games. I thought i said that like 1000 times to you. Why are you still bothering me?”, I answered his question with obvious annoyance in my voice.

He looked, like he was soon about to cry like a baby. I didn’t care. I just closed my eyes again and only opened them to see him galloping away sobbing.

“Ahhh…..I love this peace.”, i said while stretching all four off me.

Suddenly i noticed under my eyelids, that it got darker. What i saw when I opened my eyes I couldn’t comprehend.
The sky was light blue seconds ago. Now there were dark grey clouds everywhere and bolts were jumping from one cloud to another.
Suddenly a very strong wind started and pushed me a millimetre back in the grass.

I was frightened. Like hell.

As fast as I could i stood up, and began running towards the towns central place.

The place was one hell of a mess. Houses burning, ponies wounded on the ground, mothers crying for their babies and one strange thing in the middle of this mess. It was a three-headed dog which looked like he could bite of a house and there would only be the lower half left.

Fear flooded me. My only thought left in my brain said: run.
But i wasn’t able to run because one of the heads turned towards me and gave me a very hungry look. I was frozen in place. I shook over my whole body. Whatever this thing is will eat me in the next moments.

But that should not happen. Suddenly somewhere far in the south was a horn blown and the head turned towards the noise. As fast i could see, the dog jumped over me and ran away to the south and out of the village.

I could still not move the next 5 minutes.

When i was able to move again i started to look for survivors. Luckily i found not only one, but nearly the whole village. I stepped to a mare sitting beside a barrel and asked here:
“What the hell was that?!”, I nearly shouted at her.

“Cerb……..us….”, the mare whispered.

“What? I cannot understand.”

“Cerber…….”

“Please stop being a crybaby and speak up!”

“It was Cerberus! The guardian of the Tartarus and he definitely shouldn’t show up here!”, she finally said.

“What the…..You mean THAT Tartarus where the evil creatures live? The place bad ponies go?! You can’t be serious.”, was all i could answer.

“Y...Ye..Yes.”, she whimpered.

Fuck. Whatever this means, its pretty bad.

I heard a voice behind me: “Night Flame, please come with me to the leader of the guards. He has something really important to tell you.” To me was speaking a little filly, nearly at the age for the first class of school.

“What? Did he tell you why?”, i asked.

“No. Just that it's really important and you shall show up there immediately.”, the young pony said in response.

With confusion in my eyes i trotted towards the house, where the guardians live in.

A mare standing in front of the door shouted as i came closer to the house: “Hurry up! Fast! The leader is about to die and has a message for you!” As soon I heard this i paced up my speed and rushed to the house, pushing the mare aside and running to the leader’s quarters.
He laid there, heavily panting and struggling to live.

“Midnight Shield, what happened? What was that and what do you need to tell me?”, i asked him without wasting any time.

“Calm ….. *cough* down, little one. One … *cough* … after another *cough. First, that was Cerberus the guardian of the Tartarus. He attacked our village and was in rage out of no reason. It seems like somepony or something made him mad, so he came here and destroying everything in his way. As soon as he arrived I fought with my guards against him but the battle was lost already. With one punch he wiped out 6 of my guards and gave my serious injuries. Immediately, i was carried away and only could watch as one after another died to his attacks.

Just a few moments ago, we received a letter from a so-called ‘Princess Celestia’.
Here, read it.”

He stretched one of his foreleg to a box beside his bed and pulled out a piece of paper. The seal at the bottom was already broken.
I took it and read out aloud.

“Dear inhabitants of Emberwoods,

you must leave your homes at once. Cerberus, the guardian of the Tartarus ran away and to the north. His eyes were full of anger, completely opposing it’s normal behavior. He must have been controlled or brain-washed. I know this sounds pretty unbelievable from a princess you never heard of, but you have to believe me. The moment it arrives in your city everything is lost. Everything will be destroyed and everypony will be dead. So please, look for the most important things in your life and take it with you and flee.

You only can fight against this dog with an army of 1000 ponies and as far as i know, your village only has about 100 inhabitants. If it’s possible send your smartest unicorn to Canterlot, a city to the south of you. According to a prophecy, when the dog runs wild, a young unicorn from the far north, smart enough to learn the lost magic that is needed to defeat it, will appear and save us all from the upcoming evil things, that we have to face.

Normally, i would have sent my most faithful student Twilight Sparkle, but she is on a visit in the Crystal Empire and we lost contact to her. With her, the most important Element of Harmony is missing, the Element of ‘Magic’. Please answer at once if you can spare your smartest unicorn for the sake of Equestria and the rest of the world.

Thankful, Princess Celestia.”

I looked up and found that the leader was dead.

Comments

[TheFIMguru]

Hm, interesting. Welp, it's reviewing time! XP (I review as I go along, not read and then review after so you get what I think as I think it.)

Once upon a time….

Ok, an ellipsis only has three dots, not four and looks a bit daft when you have "there was a village called “Emberwoods”after it. It's not necessary, I would get rid of it and join the sentances if I were you.

hidden in the mountains, far in the Frozen North.

Bit vague and a little bland. You might want to consider putting more description into this.

village were living like 100 ponies, and they never communicated with anyone outside. They only went in the near woods for wood cutting.

... Oh dear. Remember, when you're writing a book don't say "like" unless it's a character saying it or if it's meant to be deliberately slangy and daft.
Also, why do they not communicate with others? Are they hermits choosing to be unsociable sods or do they have no methods of communication? Might be an idea to add that in.
Another thing to note is that you should use a semicolon instead of a full-stop after "Outside" and put more description into the wood chopping bit, even if you just thicken it out a bit by changing it to "They only ever went outside when they had to; they couldn't stay in their homes all the time, after all. Wood had to be chopped, ore had to be mined and food had to be gathered in order to keep their little village above the rising tide."

They lived for over 500 years in peace and harmony and no one ever left the village.
But that soon will change.

That's a sudden sense jump from past to present, if this is a narration you will want to change it to "But that would soon change..." with an ellipses for dramatic effect if you'd like, and you'd want to join the two sentences with a comma as well.

unicorn-filly called “Night Flame” whose eager

NUUUU! Bad author, bad! If you were to extend that sentance it would be "Who is", which is meant to be condensed down to "who's". Whose would be used in a sentence like "The boy whose balloon was popped began to cry", and also, you want a comma after Night Flame's name.

eager to leave the boring village and discovering the world and experiencing adventures.

This is a perfect spot to write a back-story, exploit it!

Destiny smiled to him and he soon got a chance to do so.

There's no description here at all, buddy, and it's bland as a white wall. Tell us how he felt as he immediately snatched up his chance of excitement, tell us of how he revelled in the wide outdoors or something, I dunno, get creative.

After that you just have a blank space to split it up, this is fine, but you might want to have something like this to make it more aesthetically pleasing: *****, and centre it too.

“Hey, Night Flame! Wanna hang out or play something?”

When somebody speaks it's usually a good idea to tell us how they said it and show us what they were doing at the time, don't do this all the time because it makes your story jerks and irritating, but you should do it sometimes. Example: "Hey, Bob! Where are you going?" Phillip called out, running to stop his friend from doing anything rash.

I nearly jumped out of my skin. I didn't realize someone was approaching me. Left to me now stands a filly whose name I forgot, clearly excited about finding me.

An exclamation mark would be appropriate after the first sentence, but so would a semicolon, and then the third sentence was pretty awful to be honest, and you've changed tenses again. Say what she's doing to le left of him, bouncing, leaning against a tree, furiously masturbating, whatever, it just helps to know what's going on, and don't tell us she's exited, how us how her the corners of her mouth are curled up with glee or something.

I'm going to leave it at that now, I think I've covered all I need to, you can probably just refer to the things I've said here to improve the rest of it, and you need to get yourself an editor and a small batch of proofreaders. Other things to note are that it's essential for you to read through what you've finished at least twice and use the tab key when you start a new paragraph to create an indent, making it more readable.

If you go back to improve this, once you're done stick it on G-Docs and I might lend you a hand with it if I'm not busy. Sorry if I seemed a bit of a cock with the review, harsh often helps encourage an author and other artists, and I don't mean to seem like a pro either, because I'm not. I know what I'm talking about (most of the time) but there are much, much better people at reviewing than me who aren't as busy and can be arsed to go through a full chapter.

That's all for now, ciao.

[Friedlnator]

3452559
thank you very much :D
every sugestion is greatly appreciated
pls note again, that english is not my native language^^
and yeah, i will get more descriptive^^