I am a writer but recently found much joy in editing and scripting.
Hooves Edge follows the hoof steps of Scootaloo, code name: Yuri, as she tries to resist a world that is no longer fair nor safe. My name's Anderson, I've been training your friend Scootaloo for many years. We've been together ever since I broke her out of the prison they call an "orphanage."
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
733 users online
755,133 hits today, 2,364,530 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
3194327 So glad to hear it! Anything you Really liked? Or Really disliked? This is my first piece. I edit more than I write so this is all new stuff for me!
Well, a few things.
First off, this seems an engaging crossover, and something I should be intrigued by. However, it's failings come down to grammar and a few nuances I'd like to weed out.
Me being a picky fellow, I'd like Princess Celestia
l's name to be corrected.Secondly, your use of ellipses is quite rightly painful. For example:
would be preferred as:
Thirdly, all the capital letters in the first paragraph are really jarring, as are some of the spelling mistakes. I suggest going over your chapters a few times, and maybe calling in someone from the Proofreading Group here on FiMFiction.
Why am I going to like and favourite this? Because the way you have combined Faith and Scootaloo's identities is fantastic, and how you combined Faith's dystopia with Equestria's harmonial undertones is outstanding. I'd just prefer if the above points were addressed.
-Helloman892
Well it's certainly not like anything I've every read before, I wouldn't have thought constantly describing free running and having small font exposition could work, but hey, there's a first for everything. Will I like? yes. Will I follow? no, personally, I found it boring and I didn't care much for the original Mirror's Edge, but don't feel disheartened, this is certainly going places and you should definitely keep it up
Ok, well. Same issues as before regarding spelling, and again the grammar is rather halting. There is also a constant switch between past and present tense, for example in the first paragraph. For example,
'I am stretching while I arched my back' makes no sense. When reading the rest of the sentance, the reader realises that the author is rather inept and keeping in tense. You cannot have kinks building up over the last few weeks (present tense) while also having arched your back (past).
There is also overuse of adverbs such as 'quickly', though this isn't as much as a problem.
The random use of square brackets is jarring, and unneeded. We don't need to know that there is 6 meters between two gaps, nor do we need to know that a Dasher's bag is called a 'Contrabag' or that it can hold stuff. Instead, say that 'Tori pulled a bandage from the contrabag around her midsection', or similar.
This is a proofread version of this chapter, courtesy of moi.
As a side note, I quite like how Scootaloo's secondary name is 'Yuri', seeing as yuri is Japanese slang for 'lesbian'.
-Helloman892
3194381 The first chapters I wrote about a year ago. Since, I have taken great strides with my writing. I do hope you continue reading when I upload future chapters. You seen very knowledgeable and I will take into account any input you bring to my attention.
3194740 Thanks for the feed back! So, how could I make the story more interesting?
3198476 I'm not exactly qualified to answer that not being interested enough in what you're crossing with, for all I know people who like Mirrors Edge DONT find this boring, it was simply my opinion. But it's admirable that you want to get better
3194381 Another note. That intro bit is basically a copy and paste of the Mirrors edge intro. so... thats why there are wierd caps and stuff.
3198617 Ah! Well thanks for the feed back reguardless!
3214236
Ah, now this I was not aware of. I have not played Mirror's Edge in the last few months. I'm assuming that that introduction is either on the blurb of the game, or on the website?
I do hope to see what else you can come up with, and if you could, just maybe, edit your previous chapters? I haven't had the time to read chapter 3 in detail, but from what I can see there are a few spelling/punctuation/grammar errors.
In answer to you previous comment, you would be correct in assuming I am well-versed in English literature. When my buddy YukiSN FINALLY gets around to updating his story Strained and Flexed Bridges, the general populace will be able to see how thorough I am in my edits (at least in the earlier chapters; like you, it seems, the later ones have a higher standard of writing contained within).
But I'm going off topic. Good luck in your endeavors, good sir.
3217404 Hey, I appreciate your help, you've been great! If you ever want to swing by the story and help out again I would welcome it!