Twilight's Journey

Twilight's hungry.She wants a sandwich.Couldn't be too hard.Can it?Twilight will do what ever it takes to get a simple sandwich.

Chapters (4)

A Simple Sandwich-Prologue · 18th Aug 2013 · 148 words
148
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Pinkie and Rarity · 18th Aug 2013 · 338 words
338
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Rainbow and Flutters · 18th Aug 2013 · 291 words
291
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Applejack and Spike · 18th Aug 2013 · 275 words
275
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Comments ( 2 )

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EquesTRON

EquesTRON #1 · Aug 19th, 2013 · · · Applejack and Spike ·

Well...

Cute idea, but... the execution of the idea is a bit lacking, I'm afraid. Some suggestions for improvement:

First: For something this short, there was no reason for it to be divided into four chapters. it's annoying to make the reader have to keep clicking the "next chapter" button like that for such short bits. Anything less than 2000 words should just be uploaded as a single chapter.

She opened the door and walked over to the counter. Then suddenly Pinkie Pie pops out of nowhere,surprising Twilight.

Don't randomly mix past and present tenses.

Third: Again, it's a cute idea, but there's just not enough to what you've written here to really engage a reader's interest. There's too little detail to really pull the reader into the world, you don't really give us any insight into what any of the characters are thinking or feeling, and the whole thing is over with far too quickly. For this sort of a story ("Character Does Some Mundane Activity"), especially if you want it to be a comedy, the key to making it work is that it needs to have a plot, like a TV sitcom, in which a seemingly-simple everyday action ends up spiraling out of control due to increasingly-absurd barriers thrown up in the character's path to frustrate them.

Think about how someone like Sheldon from "The Big Bang Theory" would deal with a situation like this, where (from his perspective) it seems as though the entire world is conspiring to prevent him from achieving this one simple goal of getting the sandwich he wants. It's not enough that Twilight just wanders to her friends' houses, asks for daffodils for a sandwich, and is told "sorry, I don't have any"; Twilight (and the reader) needs to feel that the universe is somehow conspiring against them to keep her from getting her sandwich.

If you're familiar with the older classics like "Fawlty Towers", "MASH", "Seinfeld", or "WKRP in Cincinnati", go back and watch some of those episodes, and notice how those shows' plots often revolved around some issue that started out as trivial and quickly escalated into absurdity. (In fact, "Seinfeld" is an excellent example of stories like this.) That's what you should try to aim for with a story like this.

nightmareluna2282