The daughter of Discord is left in Equestria by her father and tries to learn about herself and how the world works.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 21st Feb, 2012
- offline last seen Aug 3rd, 2012
senorpaii
I like da ponies and da music and da stories yay! But serious I like ponies and I think we have a very great community along with the amazing stories that have come out.
senorpaii
Joined 21st Feb, 2012 ·
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No comments, one view, no ratings, no description, characters are other and oc. Track this mofo...
yes. I like this story a few errors here and there but overall a grate idea.
I voted in the negative, and I suppose I owe it to you to explain why.
Firstly, the basic concept. I like it. I'd always assumed that one reason that Celestia took Twilight Sparkle as a student was because she realised that without proper guidance Twilight could have become very dangerous indeed. It would be quite in character for her to do the same to a pony with a strong tie to Discord. Thing is, Screwball doesn't really do anything chaotic in your story. Twilight turned her parents into plants. Screwball doesn't do well in school and talks oddly. Pinkie Pie has more reality warping than that. For the premise to work Screwball has to believably be a threat, although at this stage more mischievous than malicious. The idea that she hears Discord in her head is good but other than making Celestia hostile it doesn't appear to change her behaviour. I suggest that at this stage Discord should be presented as her Id in opposition to Celestia's Super-ego. Screwball should want to please her mother figure but teachers who sneeze penguins are just so darn funny.
Secondly, characterisation. Celestia is very out of character in this story. As I said, taking Screwball in is something I could see her doing. However, she would need fairly damning evidence to call in a battle mage to kill the mare if she had chosen to attept to bring her up as a normal pony. If you are depicting her as an out and out tyrant then why is she adopting Screwball in the first place? If she fears Screwball's instability why does she hire a whore to remove the only stabilising influence in Screwball's life? Why does the whore think that she will get beheaded? Given the force that Celestia can bring to bear the only reason for keeping Tuxedo away is to stop him getting hurt. Not being completely successful in that regard is hardly a beheading offense. Compare your work to the original version of Past Sins. Celestia acts unreasonably towards Nyx, but by that point the author has already established that Celestia does not respond rationally where Nightmare Moon is concerned.
Your character Tuxedo is weakly characterised. As a sort of male Twilight who has Screwball to drag him away from his books and encorage him towards more fun activities he could work but he gets his cutie mark before we see any really unique characteristics. He and Screwball like playing tricks; did he use magic to set them up? Did she? Was his fascination with the arcane triggered by watching her do something which as an earth pony she should be unable to do? Did it frighten him; ponies have been shown to be quite flighty. How did being alienated at school affect the pair of them?
Did Celestia regard the constant conflict as being brought about by Discords influence? Did she share her concerns with his father? Did the other foals know about her link to Discord?
Regarding Screwball herself, why was she found as a foal? For the few seconds of screen time she has in The Return of Harmony she appeared to be adult size. If Discords reimprisonment drained her of chaos magic and caused her to become younger what purpose is served by saying that she arrived in a storm? Having her turn up immediately after The Return of Harmony would make more sense, and makes a more apparent in universe link to Discord himself.
Lastly, show don't tell. A reasonably written scene of bullying in which it is mentioned that this is a common occurrence works better than the reader just being told that it is. Even better would be one where Screwball disturbs the bully into leaving, and another where Tuxedo scares them with magic. If they are researching Screwballs past why not show us them in an archive. Heck, combine the two. In a archive they would be isolated from adult supervision and easy prey for a bully. Or take it in the other direction and turn a learning trip into a prank planning session.
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First - Discord has yet to be introduced into the story. I still have more chapters to write and the next one when I get around to it is going to be about his return and is going to be return to harmony told from Screwball's point of view.
Second - You're referencing Past Sins which I honestly have never read and I choose not to influence my characters based off other stories. Everyone has their own opinion and view of canon characters so if I feel Celestia as a tyrant and not a god then that is my personal view of her. Her use of other characters serves as a sort of the government is corrupt/evil view to the story and the intent was to make you question the people you trust granted I may have done that badly because that third chapter was twice as long as the others.
Third - This is all coming from an outside role playing group and was originally intended as a background story and I decided it could work as a fairly decent story and so far it seems to be doing alright. Tux's characterization is mostly due to the events in that group and I was going to reveal more about him in later chapters.
Fourth - In my opinion she existed before Return to Harmony and she was a manifestation of that chaos that must be ever present for the world to exist. She was kept a secret from the world and was confined to the walls of the castle unless she was with Tux who the princess had trusted up to a point.
Finally the point about bullying is valid and I agree with you about the show don't tell but I thought it wasn't a very important point to the plot and I'm not the most detailed writer so I thought just telling it would work as a faster way to finish the last chapter because from the looks of it the next few chapters are going to be at least three times larger than the first two.
But thank you for your input it will be helpful in finishing the rest of this story.
reading this while listening to "daddy discord" on youtube.........
So far, that's a good backstory! Screwball happens to be one of my favorite background ponies!
She also reminds me of that sugar rush I had once!
This is definitely an interesting persona for screwball, so far so good.
Really nice, excited to see what happens next
I kinda agree with earthwormjim that the sudden turn on screwball was a bit uncalled for so suddenly, but really overall i could ignore it because i really enjoyed the reading, hope to read your future chapters and see what happens next
I give it 4 rainbow faces
out of five
655854
Thank you...now I need to find the drive to write some more
660355 i know all too well what that feels like, needs to be the right day or something just needs to motivate me sometimes
661327
I'm blaming it on a lack of school. I wrote the majority of each chapter in study hall and now that I'm out it's like....why write when there are vidja games present
KEEP WRITING FILLY
DO IT FILLY
YOU MUST WRITE MORE. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW. I mean... if that's ok with you