The Rainbow Factory- How It Should Have Ended

by That1Brony3

Chapter 5

Scootaloo, knowing she was risking going to the Rainbow Factory, flew up to the judges. There, she told them that Aurora Dawn had missed a month in flight school and wasn’t properly prepared for the test. “Will you please give her a second chance?”

The judges stared at her. She hovered there in silence. Finally, one of the spoke, “You were very brave coming to us like this.” He said, “You risked failing, not to mention your life for her. You two must be really good friends. We'll let her try again after she has healed and had proper training.”

“Thank you guys sooooo much!” Scootaloo exclaimed.

“No, thank you for telling us that she was under trained.” Another one said, “We were about to send an innocent pony to exile. We’ll get some paramedics over there, and you can tell her the good news”

Scootaloo flew over to Aurora Dawn. Then, Scootaloo told her “You’re going to stay in Cloudsdale, Aurora Dawn. They are going to give you a second chance once you have healed.”

“Thanks for defending me. You risked your life so that I wouldn’t have to go.” Aurora Dawn replied.

“Just rest up and heal so that you can pass your next test.” Scootaloo said,
“And I’ll be there to cheer you on”. She noticed that the paramedics were coming
“I’ll leave you alone so the doctors can help you”.

She went back to Orion who was waiting for her. “That was very brave of you’” he said.

“I know” Scootaloo retorted, “How many ponies have to say that?”

“Let’s go home,” Orion suggested.

----------Epilogue----------

Scootaloo went to Aurora Dawn’s second attempt, as she had promised. She was cheering the loudest when Aurora Dawn went. Even louder than Aurora Dawn’s mother. As it turned out, none of the fillies failed their tests this time. And that made Scootaloo happy.

Comments

[xdabrony219]

sure, it could have been a little bit better, but am i seriously the only comment?

[SouthernCross]

Before Looking: Poor AuroraDawn, never catching a break... and I'm not talking about Rainbow Factory!

After Reading: This shouldn't be multiple chapters. This is more like one chapter you choped up for no logical reason.

Also your descriptions are weak, you should think of how to expand on them. You should also rethink your pacing, the entire story comes across as rushed like you hadn't really thought about the emotions or imagery you wanted to present to the reader to draw them in and involve them.

[That1Brony3]

I couldn't add much because I didn't want to change the plot much up to Orion's test.
I know this isn't much consolation but I really tried my best. This was obviously my first story . And I tried to start from the end of Aurora Dawn's Rainbow Factory. I'll try to do better with my new and upcoming stories. If anyone has any ideas on what I should write next, please comment on my user page so I may incorporate the ideas.

[Octavia Harmony]

2974029 I have to agree. This seems more of an outline than a complete story. You could probably not jump to seemingly random parts, and have Scoots reflect on her dream or something instead of just saying.

She sprung upwards out of her bed, panting. It took her a while to realize all this was just a dream. She decided to go to Rainbow Dash and ask her what she thought it meant.

Also, the briskness of Rainbow's reaction to Scoot's knowledge of the factory shocked me. To have a person randomly know of the Factory seems like it would provoke more of a reaction.

[hawthornbunny]

I haven't read Rainbow Factory, but I will say that this story is too short and doesn't really go anywhere. You miss an opportunity for something interesting: Scootaloo has knowledge of something terrible that's going to happen in the future, but she doesn't know it. As far as Scootaloo knows, she just had a dream. When Rainbow Dash finds out that she knows about the Rainbow Factory, that should be something quite serious for both of them. Rainbow's secret is exposed, and Scootaloo now realises that she has knowledge that she shouldn't have. What will she do with it? Who can she tell? Who can she trust? There's a lot you could do with that, while still tying it into the original story - after all, Scootaloo now has the ability to alter the course of that story.

You also don't need to use chapter breaks so often. It's very rare for a chapter to be less than one thousand words in length. With your first chapter, you had the right idea to end it on a note of high tension (first-chapter cliffhangers are a great way to pull the reader into a story) but it came so soon that there was no build up to it. It would have been just as effective and interesting to have Scootaloo answer the question immediately. In fact, this entire story could have been a chapter.

It's a good attempt for a first story, however, so don't be discouraged, keep writing!

[That1Brony3]

I'm still working on this story and another, so keep that in mind. Also keep in mind I'm a total noob to writing fan fictions so my first few will probably be terrible

Would you appreciate if I posted the Rainbow factory as a separate chapter? just as her dream?

[lone marine]

Why this wasn't that fun like the other one

[That1Brony3]

If you guys want something better check out my new story, New Best flyer in the Wonderbolt Academy. It's not finished yet, but you might like the first chapter.

[JackieFreak]

Nice ending!

[Dakingace]

Nice ending.But should be just one chapter.