Brothers of Elements

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Furion

Furion #1 · Aug 4th, 2013 · 3 · · Prologue ·

Finally got around to reviewing this; seems like every time I get a significant amount of requests my family decides they need help remodeling.

Now, don't be alarmed when I say this, but this is definitely in need of some work before it can be considered presentable. Let's start with revision, shall we?

You shall be loved by you're subjects.

"You're" should be "your" since "you're" is a contraction of "you" and "are."

Various books lined up on bookshelves the walls.

I'm afraid this sentence doesn't make perfect sense. Try adding "on" between "bookshelves" and "walls."

"Oh git with you I'll not be struck down from a few hacks and sniffles,"

"From" doesn't quite work in this sentence. Try "by" instead.

said with a stern voice said

This is redundant. Fortunately, all you need to do is remove the second instance of "said."

You are sacrificing yourself after all. I've already lost Shadow and now goes another son,"

There are actually three issues I have with Starswirl's statement. First being the bolded "goes." The wording there is awkward. Instead, I would recommend "I'll lose" or "I am to lose." Second, you forgot the quotation mark at the beginning of the statement. Just remember to fill it in when you go to make the revisions. The third and final issue is something I saw in a lot of the characters' statements. You tend to close your quotes with a comma, where you should be using a period or some other form of punctuation, depending on the character's statement, to indicate they've stopped speaking.

"Starswirl, you will always be my father. You've raised me and shadow since we were pups,"

First and foremost, "Shadow" should be capitalized. Second, I know it sounds somewhat awkward, but "Shadow and me" is actually the grammatically correct phrase.

"I know, but you two are immortal. I won't even be here long enough to even see you reach your full abilities,"

The wording here is just generally awkward. I'd advise removing the second "even" and changing "reach your full abilities" to "reach your true potential" or something along those lines.

The perfect fitting armor felt unusually natural to him.

Again, the wording is awkward. Try "perfectly fitting."

a pair stainless steal bracers

"Steal" would be a verb. A verb indicating an action that isn't entirely legal... I think the word you were looking for was "steel." Also: "a pair of"

His pant

"His pants" maybe?

"You know I know you'll save him someday."

Once again, awkward wording strikes. Either remove "You know" or "I know" or place a comma between the two. Also try placing a comma before someday.

"Guardian Angel, its time ta go," the huge red stallion deep voice echoed around the room.

I'm going to chalk the "ta" up to accent, but if you weren't trying to give the character an accent, change it to "to." More importantly: "the huge red stallion's deep voice."

"Eeyup got it, I'll no longer use yur name from now on," the stallion said unknowingly.

Once again, I'll chalk the statement's error up to accent. However, I think "unknowingly" should be changed to "knowingly."

These 'things' had gotten driven mad a long time ago.

I don't see any particular reason to use apostrophes in the place of quotation marks around "things." More importantly, it would be wise to change "gotten" to "been."

Angle took his helmet off

The error here is in the spelling of the protagonist's name. "Angle" is being used in the place of "Angel." This is a mistake I saw quite a few times after this point in the fic, so I'd recommend going back through and correcting this particular error wherever it appears.

And you should all but shake in luaghter, not fear!

"Laughter" is misspelled, and should be capitalized for consistency's sake.

Those 'things' want to take away everything your brothers, your sisters...

There should be a semicolon (;) between "everything" and "your brothers."

Tears started dripping down Angel's.

... Angel's... what, exactly? This sentence is incomplete. I think you meant to use "face" but I'll leave that for you to decide.

A light envelope what was left of his army and all the living were teleported beside him.

"Enveloped." This should be past-tense.

and Angel army ran out.

I think you meant "Angel's army?"

Shadow was like an animal he was shirtless.

This sentence is somewhat awkward. I'd recommend ending the sentence after "animal" and adding "he was shirtless" onto the next sentence.

Angel caught the rose in hi hand and looked at it dumbfounded.

"Hi" is a greeting. It should be "his." Also, I think the sentence would benefit from the addition of a period before "dumbfounded."

stumble back and tripped over a rock

Given the tense of the sentence; "tripped" should simply be "trip."

Shadow grabbed Angel's helmet and pulling it off.

"Pulling" should be replaced with "pulled."

"Luce," he said, sending a small ball of light directly in his brother's face.

This one isn't really for any spelling or grammar errors, rather, in the fic, you used purple lettering to indicate when Angel was casting a spell. However, this entire segment was tinted purple. It should just be "Luce."

viscous kick

"Vicious." "Viscous" is another thing, entirely.

wrestling type stance

As far as I can tell, "type" does not need to be there.

little brothers

I think it should just be "brother." Unless, of course, you were implying the maddened ponies were Shadow's brothers in a sense.

Well, those are all the errors I could pick out. There are probably a few that I managed to overlook, I'll probably read back through this again later to see whatever else I can find. As for the storytelling; this isn't the worst story I've seen on this site at all, but there is definitely room for improvement. I feel the action segment in the latter half was kind of lost on me, and possibly other readers, because by that point we haven't really developed any sort of attachment to the characters. Speaking of the characters; it doesn't necessarily bother me, seeing as Angel and Shadow are essentially foils for each other, but I feel some readers might be put off by the sheer power of these two characters. Whenever you decide to continue this, I'd recommend expanding upon their personalities. Like, what kind of person, or rather wolf, is Angel? And what was Shadow like before he was possessed?

Overall, this is a decent fic. I definitely wouldn't mind seeing where you plan to take this idea. There is much room for improvement, but I feel practice is the best way to do so.

brony laughsatme