Blunt Force Trauma To The Head
Blunt Force Trauma To The Head
“Ok, now we put the Berry-Punch-Punch right here, and the Pink Jägerbombs right here, and the ShadowFire Flaming Cocktails right here!” Pinkie Pie said excitedly, hoping from spot to spot with ludicrous speed, becoming a pink blur each time.
Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack rushed to comply with the party pony’s directions, laying bowls filled with the beverages on cloth cover tables. Next to the bowls of punch went dozens of stacked plastic cups and napkins at Rarity’s insistence.
“We can’t just not put out napkins.” Rarity exclaimed in distress.
“They’re coming here to party, not wipe their mouths with doilies.” Rainbow Dash said as she tried to keep a tall stack of napkins from falling.
“Tut, a lady always wipes her mouth.” Rarity said, not offering help to Rainbow Dash in the slightest.
“I thought a lady always swallows.” Rainbow Dash said crudely.
“Why I never,” Rarity started, but interrupted by Pinkie Pie suddenly appearing between them.
“Silly ponies, a lady swallows and wipes her mouth.” as though for clarification, Pinkie took a cup, filled it with punch, drank it down, and then daintily wiped her mouth with a napkin. “See?”
Rarity and Rainbow Dash looked like they were going to argue, but thought better of it and just nodded.
(Ooh, oral sex jokes. My, you are a clever and sophisticated writer)
A little while later the library looked fit for an all night bash. Banners hung from rafters, streamers hung down, some even reaching the floor, tables with snacks and bowls of intoxicating beverages lines the walls, and a DJ stand was set up near in front of the staircase.
“You really think we should have set up in the library?” Rarity asked, looking at the group’s handiwork.
“You’re asking that now?” Dash asked quizzically.
“Well, I realize that this is the most likely place for Cadance to come first, but who knows what she’s like when she’s drunk.”
“Don’t worry ‘bout a thing.” Pinkie said as she hopped out of a mass of balloons. “After the last party I had here, Twilight said she put some force-field thingy over the bookshelves to protect them.”
Rarity nodded. “Well, that makes sense.”
“Something just occurred to me too.” Dash said as she moved over to a punch bowl filled with Berry-Punch-Punch. “If Cadence shows up, how exactly are we supposed to get her to drink herself silly?”
“Why not jus’ put out salty foods so she gets thirsty?” Applejack ventured.
“Applejack! When did you get here?” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “Rarity, did you know Applejack was here?”
The unicorn shrugged. “Applejack is always around somewhere.”
“Uh, Ah’m right here.”
“Anyway,” Dash continued, seemingly deaf to Applejack. “How are we supposed to get Cadance to drink?”
“We could challenge her to a drinking game!” Pinkie pie said, rapidly setting up a number of cups and bouncing a bit into one of them. “She’ll be derped in no time!”
“But what if she’s better than you?” Applejack said, trying to help form a solid plan.
Instead of acknowledgement, she was met with surprise.
“Applejack! When did you get here?” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. “Rainbow Dash, did you know Applejack was here?”
“I thought she was collecting apple cider.” the rainbow maned pegasus replied. “If you know what I mean.” she added slyly.
“What do you mean?” Applejack asked, only to be apparently forgotten again.
“We should have a back-up plan, just in case.” Rarity said.
“Why don’t we just break a bottle of cider on ‘er head when she comes through the door?” Applejack said sarcastically.
“Applejack!” Rarity exclaimed. “When did you get here?”
“Aw, buck the lot of you.” the orange pony turned and headed out the door. “I’ll go get the hard cider!” she called back at the others.
Ah am NOT a background pony. Applejack thought to herself as she walked to Sweet Apple Acres. Ah am a big part of this place. This place couldn’t run properly without me. Ah had more screen time than Rarity and Ah got my own episode. Suck my leg, you fashion obsessed-
(Oh dear, can‘t have any of that now, can we? Bloody terms of agreement…)
“Now, what do you think that was about?” Rarity asked.
“Aw, you know AJ, she just needs some time to herself.” Rainbow Dash said dismissively.
“Actually, I think the author just needed an excuse to get Applejack to Sweet Apple Acres.” Pinkie Pie said, rubbing her chin with a hoof.
“Well, I suppose that makes sense, darling. But why would-?” Rarity was cut off by a knock at the door.
“Twilight, are you home?” asked the voice on the other side of the door. A voice recognized by the three ponies as princess Cadance.
Pinkie Pie dashed to the door and pushed it open.
“Hi ya!” she said happily.
“Oh, hello Pinkie Pie.” the Princess of Love said, mildly startled by the partly pony’s sudden appearance.
Mi Amore Cadenza
She ships AppleDash
“Is Twilight here?” she asked.
“Nope.”
“Oh, well, I don’t suppose my husband, Shining Armor, is here either.”
“Correct!”
“Ah, figures. May I come in?”
“You betcha!” Pinkie said before dashing back to the others.
Cadance walked into the library and took in all the decorations.
“My, seems you have a big party planned.” she said.
Pinkie nodded. “Yep, all for you!”
“For me?”
“Yep! Twilight said you would probably be coming and that we should throw a party for you.”
“That’s… sweet. But I really would like to find Shining first. His note was vague as to what Twilight needed him for.”
“Uh, wouldn’t you like something to drink?” Rainbow Dash said, filling a cup with punch.
“No thank you, Rainbow Dash, I’m afraid I’m not really thirsty right now. Tad hungry though.” Cadance levitated a brownie form a table and began eating it.
Dash and Pinkie exchanged looks.
“Uh, Twilight said that she and Shining would be back soon.” Dash said. “So, would you like to play a game to pass the time.
“Oh, why not.” Cadance said as she finished her brownie. “What shall we play?”
“Party Pong!” Pinkie said excitedly. “You have a cup here, and you try to bounce a bit in, and if you make it, your opponent has to drink!”
Cadance arched an eyebrow. “Aren’t you suppose to play that with alcohol?”
“Afraid to play?” Dash said, trying to goad Cadance.
“Your funeral.” Cadance smiled as she and Pinkie took up positions on either side of the cup.
“You first.” Pinkie said, handing Cadance a bit.
The princess took the coin in her hoof and neatly bounced it off the table and into the cup.
“Your drink.” Cadance said with a hint of smugness.
Pinkie nodded and downed a cup of Berry-Punch-Punch. The alcohol didn’t seem to effect the party pony in the slightest and she took careful aim with a bit.
But missed the cup when she bounced it.
Cadance bounced another bit into the cup with seemingly no effort and Pinkie drank again.
This went back and forth for a time, pinkie making a few shots into the cup and Cadance almost never missing. In half an hour’s time, Pinkie was wobbling on her hooves and Cadance was requesting a drink because she was thirsty.
It was easy to understand that the ponies were worried their brilliant plan wasn’t going to work and Cadance was likely to go looking for Shining and Twilight soon.
So what happened next is completely understandable.
As Pinkie Pie drew a shaking cup to her lips, Cadance looked on with confidence and a touch of smugness. Both expressions dropped from her face as a bottle came crashing down on the back of her head.
The bottle shattered and its liquid contents soaked Cadance’s mane. The alicorn blinked slowly and then crashed forward onto the table.
Standing behind the now unconscious princess was Rarity, the broken end of a bottle in her telekinetic grasp.
“What? It wasn’t like you were going to do it.” she said to the openly gaping Rainbow Dash.
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Chapter five is up.
Well I like blunt force trauma as much as the next guy but why they no rig the game for better out come after all if they wanted her to not find out why would they play fair?
Also AJ is not a background pony!
Umm.. so how many years dungeon is it for break a bottle over the head of royalty?
2901195
1-5 depending of the circumstances and the price of the bottle.
There's always 'community service' with the princesses instead, but... we really don't recommend that.
whelp.
wasn't what i was expecting.
then again, not really sure what i was expecting in this fic.
2902580
What caught you by surprise?
2901205 I refer you to this story if you chose community service for what it is kinda like
Ooh, oral sex jokes! My, you are a clever and sophisticated writer.
HAHAHAHA!
That ending!
Rarity has a bit of DemoMan in her.
:Who is this 'DemoMan' character?
Umm.
You didn't hear anything...
3681962 Demomare!
What you did there. I see it.
Ooooh, Cadance is gonna be Pissed when she wakes up...Alicorns with headaches be dangerous creatures. Just ask Celestia.
Don't worry Cadence, I do too.
That's really the only thing you have to say here?
What, did I miss something important?
How about Rarity smashing Cadence upside the head with a bottle!?
No, I'm pretty sure I read that.
Then what the hell...you know what, never mind, you've got no clue how to review interesting stories.
~Sylpheed and Eli
I have read so many comedic lines based on Cadance's powers of love.
This is the funniest of them all
Never thought it possible, but Twilight's friends are crazier than in even FiW!
She ships AppleDash. Of course she does, everybody ships Appledash. That's like saying she breathes air, or eats food.
that's crazy even for me, but still hilarious
This story has potentual, But I'm just not fond of the writing at the moment. I just cant get into the story....
You are Really, REALLY Going to Pony hell I can't stop laughing! Personally I think Candence is a Mane six orgy shipper...
When ever you introduce the ponies, I can't help but think of the Borderlands character intros
My kind of princess
I think
Mi Amore Cadenza
She prefers Cadance
fits better.
And Rarity knocking Cadance out. what a twist.
5294598 roadrunner and will.e.coyote
Ok, I'm convinced. Applejack is best background pony.
--Sollace
Blunt force trauma solves all kinds of problems.
2901195 ONE MMMILLION YEARS DUNGEON!!!
Yeah I make it official, Discord is the storyteller