It’s Fine As Long As No One Finds Out
It’s Fine As Long As No One Finds Out
Twilight Sparkle woke to the sun shining down through her window. Directly into her eyes. The unicorn rolled onto her side and briefly wondered if Celestia was specifically targeting her or if the Solar Goddess just hated sleep in general.
Twilight Sparkle
She really likes books
Sighing, Twilight threw off the covers and trotted down the stairs. She meandered her way to the kitchen, yawning and praying to Celestia that she still had coffee.
But as the still awakening Twilight pulled the coffee can down from the shelf in her telekinetic grasp, she got a jolt that woke her up far better than any cup of coffee. (Even that lovely brand that has cocaine in it)
The sound had started out as a faint noise in the distance but had quickly become the scream of metal on metal that threatened to make your ears bleed.
Twilight dropped the coffee can and pressed her hooves over her ears in a vain attempt to block out the sound. And then as quickly as it had appeared the sound faded. There was complete and utter silence which was broken by the softest of metallic tinkles. That was then followed by a sudden whooshing sound and the noise of some metal contraption settling.
Twilight removed her hooves from her ears and got up from the floor. She timidly looked around, wondering by what ludicrous doing had that sound manifested.
There was suddenly a loud knock at the door, which caused the lavender pony to jump a considerable number of feet into the air. Twilight hesitantly approached the door, mind racing as to who, or what was there.
So, one might imagine her relief at seeing her brother Shining Armor standing there instead of, say, Lady Death or a Hasbro Executive. But Twilight’s relief vanished as soon as she saw the panicked look on Shining Armor’s face.
Shining Armor
Dude needs a corndog
“Shining…” Twilight said, scrutinizing his expression. “Are you okay?”
“Me, okay? Sure,” Shining said rapidly, fidgeting. “Could I, uh, come in?”
Twilight nodded and stepped aside to allow her brother to pass. As he entered the library, Twilight saw he had a bundle of something floating behind him.
“Shining, what’s that?” Twilight asked.
“Close the door please,” Shining said, ignoring her question.
Twilight complied, but she got that investigating look on her face. “Shining, what’s wrong?”
Shining Armor said nothing. He pulled a chair over from a stack of books and gently sat the bundle down on the cushion. Twilight looked at the bundle and saw that it contained a baby foal. Normally one might need a shot of adrenalin for this, but Twilight lived in the same hundred-mile radius as the Cutie Mark Crusaders so she was good.
Still, that didn’t stop her from cooing over that baby.
“Aww, Shining, why didn’t you tell me you and Cadance-”
Twilight stopped speaking as she saw a piece of paper unfold on top of the baby. The bookworm read the single word, studied the heart, analyzed the kiss mark, and tested the scent with a few sniffs. After collecting this data, Twilight stared at the baby. Unblinking.
After a time, Shining Armor spoke. “Twilight?” he said hesitantly.
No reply.
After waiting a few moments, Shining repeated himself. “Twilight?”
Still no reply.
“Twilight?” Shining Armor said again, panic beginning to creep into his voice.
(At this point, many of you are wondering what’s wrong with Twilight. Here, this should clear things up)
Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing.
“Twilight?” Shining was starting to panic now.
Suddenly, like an angel from above, Equestria’s Fastest Flyer came into the library via a window. A thankfully open window.
“Hey Twilight! You got the new Daring Do book ye-” Rainbow Dash was saying before she caught sight of the baby and the note. At which point the blue pegasus inhaled in a huge gasp.
Rainbow Dash
20% more wingboner
Shining Armor felt pinpricks of fear down his spine. “Twilight?” he said again, panic thinly veiled.
Twilight.exe has encountered an error. Processing.
Suddenly an orange apple farmer came in through a side door.
“Hey there, sugarcubes, Ah brought ya’ll some apple cider and-” Applejack caught sight of the baby, the note, and too inhaled a fair amount of the room’s air.
Applejack
Background Pony
Shining Armor tore down the veil. “Twilight?!”
Twilight.exe is unable to process error. Rebooting.
At this point, a marshmallow, I MEAN BEAUTIFUL DRESSMAKER, came in through yet another side door.
“Twilight, darling, please tell me what you think of this new hat. Is it not simply mar-” Rarity was going to fawn over the baby when she saw it, but the note changed her mind. Instead, she opted to perform one of her famous gasp and fall on couch routines.
Rarity
Marshmallow
“Twilight!?” Shining Armor was obviously panicking now, seeing as the ‘!’ is now in front of the ‘?’.
Twilight.exe is shutting down.
A pink blur suddenly came out of bucking nowhere.
“Twilight. Twilight, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie shouted whilst bouncing up and down. “There was a loud noise, and then a train pulled up in the station! And it had rockets! And it was plaid! And we should have a par-” It was at this point that Pinkie got in on the going trend and gasped loudly upon seeing the baby and note. She also froze a ludicrous number of feet in the air. Somehow.
Pinkie Pie
Random
“Twilight!?!” Ooo, two ‘!’, shit’s getting serious.
Twilight.exe has shut down. Rebooting.
It was at this time a timid butter yellow pegasus came in through the front door.
“Um, Twilight, I brought you that owl feed you wan-” Fluttershy was a lot smarter than most ponies gave her credit for. She managed to figure what was happening quite quickly and gasp in the most adorable manner possible.
Fluttershy
Yay
At this point, Shining Armor was sweating more than Celestia in a cake shop while on a diet. “Twilight!!!”
Twilight.exe has rebooted. Processing error.
Fate apparently thought this was the point at which yet another pony should show up. A striped pony. With a Mohawk.
“Ah, please Fluttershy, move your butt. Twilight I-” Zecora did not gasp, if you were wondering. She was actually cut off by Twilight.
Twilight.exe has processed the error.
“Shining Armor and Chrysalis had a bastard love child!” Twilight ejaculated, following it with a huge gasp.
“Say whaaaaaat?” Zecora said, further cementing the fact that Hasbro dodged a bullet when they decided against the afro.
Zecora
Fo Shizzle!
Shining Armor was drenched in sweat at this point. He was panicking on every level.
And he was wondering whether or not he left the light on back home.
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Just uploaded a new chapter.
Just one though
derpy.me/5Cf2B
Smooth Twilight. Real smooth!
2885592
better get the unicorn antivirus program running.
I can't.... breath...... Oh man that was funny..... Okay that was a really good use of taking a sledgehammer to the fourth wall and Twilight and almost everything else in this chapter.
Keep it up dude because if the rest are anything like this I'll never un-favorite this. 
:He just had to do that didn't he?
*Kori.exe overloaded laughing*
You called him shinning instead of shining a number of times...might want to go back and fix that lol.....otherwise okay chapter...lets see where u take this
Ah, I see we are going the nonsense route. Alrighty then. Please continue.
ok this is fucking stupid. i forgave the first chapter as a newbie but this is just crap now. so many errors, so many missing things, and not only that you bring in characters too fast, without reason, and without them fitting in the story at all. amature!! complete amature!
2885832 yes that's most new writers are amateurs then they learn from their mistakes and amazingly become experienced writers. Also your writers feed back is kinda vague, you know just claiming mistakes are there but not helping the writer figure out what you mean. Though there is merit to the claim of characters arriving too quickly and with out reason
2885803
oh well, that won't matter in the long run.
I thought it was Shinning with two 'n's...
2885832
I only accept criticism that is of a constructive nature. I.e. show me what you think is wrong, don't just tell me.
2885893
I suppose there's some merit to the bringing in characters too quickly, but it was entirely for comedic purposes and I plan on giving them proper introductions in the next chapter.
I dunno, but this chapter felt to me like you were trying too hard to be funny. Too forced, I think.
Also, "Shinning Armor" there in the first half makes me think of hockey kneepads.
2886141
He he 'Shinning Armor'
Good news everyone! I fixed the Shinning Shining problem.
Also, someone on another thread gave me an idea for a sequel. Here's the title.
If you find out your husband had a love child with a changeling that looked like you and you get angry and put him in the hospital, does it count as domestic abuse?
2886187 best series evar
2885027 You had better not. That is the cheapest way to make a story forgettable.
2885610
i.imgur.com/Z7owE0T.png
2885922 alright. since you told me what you wanted nicely
you bring in characters at wrong points, don't give reason why they're there at all, they just pop up randomly. that's just wrong on all levels. makes it seem like a 5 year old trying to write a novel.
you lack many MANY details, it's not that long, you need to work on your paragraphs as much as your punctuation. and...you need to work on your story period. it's one big mess.
the idea is sound if not cliche' considering this idea was used quite a few times among other writers. it's cute but you might want to set it apart from the others by thinking it over again and rewriting it with someone else who can write better. and LEARN from them
2886360
i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/7083421440/hCE7FA233/
2886389
I understand what you're trying to do, but I can't help but feel you're going about this all wrong.
If this was anything but a pure comedy story than your points would be valid. But, this is supposed to make the reader laugh, even at the simple nonsense of it all.
If we really wanted to start picking this apart, we'd question if ponies and changelings could even breed, why Cadance is portrayed as such an airhead, and the fact that all of Twilight's friends figured out what was going on before she did.
The point is, you just have to repeat the fiction mantra:
"Don't overthink it, it's just a story. Don't overthink it, it's just a story."
2886443 if it's for comedy? then it's cute. still needs abit more for it to be longer but for things like a comedy joke story. it works. i overlooked comedy...huh, maybe i am loosing my touch. hmph
2886455
Thank you.
However, and I really cannot stop myself from saying (er typing) this, but...
You didn't know it was a comedy story?
2885357 From my post in chapter 1, The changelings can secrete a green goo form there mouths, they used it to tie up Celestia and other form the invasion.
This Chapter feels a little rushed.
I know that you put a comical tag on it but you just added all the main 6 and Zacora so quickly, with out much details to it. You also have errors scattered through out the chapter. Trust me I know the feeling, you might need a proof reader, I have the same problem. OK Like this line didn't make senses to me. [img] Twilight looked at the bundle and saw that it contained a baby foal. Normally one might need a shot of adrenalin for this, but Twilight lived in the same hundred-mile radius as the Cutie Mark Crusaders so she was good.[/img]
I'm not saying it's bad it just needs a little work.
I am sorry if I seemed a little mean
It was very funny to read, the narrator's sarcastic interludes have their moments.
I can see a lot of potential for this story and I hope you reach it.
But I hope you won't give up on this story and that you can make it even better.
I wish you good look and best wishes.
2886491 i tend to not look at tags. i'm more focussed on the stories and summaries themselves. my computer will let me know the rating on it if it's bad. sorry tho. i do tend to ignore the tags on it.
2886528
Oh Darling, you weren't mean at all.
However, while I'm not sure what confused you about the line, I shall try to explain.
As the first chapter was hopefully clear about, the baby's sheer cuteness can induce heart attacks. However, Twilight lives near the CMC and sees them on a daily basis, so she's basically immune to 'Hnnnnnggg' style heart attacks.
Hope that helps.
Also, Zecora's liable to be bashed in the skull with a frying pan soon, so don't get too attached.
2886537
It's cool bro.
(Oh crap, what if it's a woman?
Just keep typing.
Just keep typing!)
But...
2886566 i'm a woman, yes. it's funny tho. no need to be sorry. i'm half blind so my computer will tell me if something is bad to read or try to read, it will also read out words or sentences i'm unable to read sometimes. my eyes are bad. sorry if i overlooked the tags.
2886587
Like I said, it's cool.
(Great, now you feel worse don't you?
Yeah.)
2886553 Oh that makes science now but I just caught some minor error other then that.
Thank you for the clarification.
2886618
I laughed so hard when I read that. Was that on purpose?
2886631 Whoops, lets just say yes and you can have a good laugh.
Now excuse me I have make supper, Pesto Pork chops with a cilantro vegetable & noodles.
Thank you for the the story
Have a good night.
Good luck
2886390
You're doing it wrong. That's not how you troll.
2887003
Yes!
Yes and yes!
I have one thing to say. I'll see you there bud.
This is the third story based off of that art peice
2883721
you dont
2887757
I keep hearing that, but no one gives me links.
My Son is a Changeling
You are the Father
The Foal in a Basket
Oh glob oh glob
Plleeaassee tell me this was a dream. Don't get me wrong, it was funny as hell... But...
Oh sweet Celestia please tell me this was a dream or I'll be
2887810
Huh, It was almost like you had those ready...
2887838
Are... are you okay?
You seem a little
2887897
Well... As funny as it was, it seemed a little over the top.
And it would make perfect sense because he fell asleep on the train, and the whacky events that had taken place recently caused whacky dream fuel to be spilt everywhere and dogs to grow opposable thumbs and hamsters to eat their owner while they sleep and apes to blow it up annndd *GASP*
Maybe I do need some help.
2887928
...Have you been reading my story notes?
Huh....another one of these?
Oh well, might as well check it out to see what the competition is
i shall continue to follow this story as it amuses me.
Against my better judgement... I shall see where this goes.
Let's see what you got.
~Skeeter The Lurker
I'm not sure now to take that.
So your going straight to Pony Hell?
I Welcome You To The Club.
P.S. Haaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiii!