Nobody the Biclops
Joined 4th Feb, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- PonyJosiah13 · 261k words · 244 10 · 5k views
- atomicpuffin · 92k words · 225 24 · 7.3k views
- Fimbulvinter · 6.8k words · 442 77 · 11k views
- Incredible Blunderbolt · 1.9k words · 150 23 · 4.3k views
- Racoon · 24k words · 64 8 · 2k views
- PaladinColt · 3.3k words · 199 53 · 11k views
- SmashGenesis · 4.2k words · 52 9 · 2.6k views
- Narutomate storm · 40k words · 219 46 · 8.5k views
Featured In1
Stats
Page generated in 0.105 seconds
Total duration
972 users online
83,298 hits today, 2,280,440 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Alright, tell me what you think. This is my first fiction ever (barring a few creative writing exercises in English class during Middle School), I admit I don't entirely know what I'm doing, so if you have any critiques or suggestions please lay them out in the comments, or send a message to my account. Thank you.
Moar
Mind making flash do the exact thing twilight does to him in later chapters?
2882856
Eh, maybe. If there is more demand for it I suppose. Though if the tables are turned, I'd rather try something new instead of just repeating the same scenes only with the names and pronouns switched.
2883636 Um, when can we expect Twilight's pegging chapter?
there is more demand
now make more!
2884732
Hopefully in the next couple of days.
2883636 were ya responding to me?
2888065
Yes
2888069 Ok, the response name was still numbers to me.
Thats not what I meant. I was thinking somewhat like what happens here.
2888122
I can do Flash dominating a bound and helpless Twilight, but repeating these exact acts seems redundant. If I did have a "The tables are turned" scenario, I would rather change the acts somewhat, though I'd probably keep the spanking part (corporal punishment sets the mood so nicely, besides I prefer spanking to flogging or single tailed whips) though wax play might become something else. I was thinking about an improvised branding simulation. Like, Flash leaves a metal rod or something out in the sun at midday on the hottest day of the year, and presses it to Twilight's skin, and simulating the feel of branding without the actual branding (which I feel would stretch the suspension of disbelief even by BDSM clopfic standards). Doing something like that instead of wax play. There's still burning torment, but things are still somewhat changed up and "new." I'd rather a Flashdom Twisub fic be its own thing instead of a glorified rewrite of this story.
Since you asked for critiques:
1) Moar. Moar proofreading. Ch1:
Ch3:
It says that it removes fur, but judging by context it's exactly the opposite.
Also I think you need to switch POV more often: Twilight made a huge deal about bleeding Flash Sentry, we don't know what was he thinking at that time.
And descriptions of his sensations were written quite dull.
For comparison(and to see how turning tables were done hilariously right) check out Ch1 of Inside the Princesses' Royal Chambers
2888886
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I've been trying to get some constructive input but I've got nothing so far save you. On your points
1). Oh god, I did not realize how sloppy some of those chapters were. I suppose I've rushed things a bit. The fact is I greatly underestimated the amount of time and effort and planning that goes into a good piece of fiction. As you can see, it shows. I'll try to take the rest of it a bit more slowly, and put some actual effort into proofreading, but I don't think I can fix some of the bigger problems with this story. I've fixed what you've brought to my attention, and I'll try to read through what I've written to find other problems.
2). I guess you want me to focus more on Flash's thoughts and opinions. I'll try, but the fact is I still have a poor idea of what he's like. Canon gives me nothing to work with, and my headcanon on him is poorly developed. I'm trying to write him as something of an optimistic closet masochist, though if I want to write him as such I should probably do so. This sounds so stupid, but I'm actually afraid to commit to any interpretation of Flash so I've largely been beating around the bush in regards to him. This is a problem because he is half of the freaking story. I'll try and give him a larger share of the narrative next chapter.
3). Care to elaborate? What specifically do you find "dull?"
4). I'm still somewhat uncomfortable about doing a "the tables are turned scenario" precisely because I have no idea how to put it into a plausible scenario. It would probably be a stand alone story separate from this one, or maybe, and only maybe, a sequel. It won't be in this story proper, though. I'm still not sure if I'll even do it at all.
2888229 Thats better than what I was thinking.
2891231
3) Here's example from Ch2:
"What would have shocked him were he not in a hot daze was that he was reflexively moving toward the paddle when the blow was coming down rather than away from it."
In previous paragraphs he moved away("if said restraints had not been holding him in place, Flash would have moved across the bench he was on at least a few centimeters").
And we don't see how he changed his mind. We are only shown that now he thinks otherwise:
"In many ways the pain had become a gift, a sensation that brought him closer to a certain harmony with his surroundings and his own body."
That lack of "how" and jump to his new opinion with explanation makes it dull like history book:
"In 1031 year of diarchy Flash Sentry ass was on fire;In 1032 year of diarchy Flash Sentry moved away from the paddle;In 1033 year of diarchy Flash Sentry moved towards it"
So this is how S&M works... Okay then.
Behold, Princess Twilight Sparkle, the Meanie.
Moar.
interesting.
wish there was more