Wroth Sentiments

by The Apologetic Pony

7: Promise Kept, Ends Met

It’d been four years since Twilight had abandoned her post, so it was of no surprise when the sun did not rise in dawn.

Canterlot palace echoed with whispers of revolution.

Nightmare had appeared before Celestia with armour donned, reptilian eyes and Cutiemark all changed back to the old ways. Her moon was suitably waxing and stationary, sitting at its zenith. Celestia followed how the mithril altered the outline of her sister, her neck broader, legs slenderer; wings more pronounced. She said to her, ‘I think it’s time you stepped down, dearest Tia.’ After several seconds of stern consideration, Celestia wrapped her arms around Nightmare’s neck and kissed her passionately. She stroked her nape as though she were touching skin, not metal, and their tongues snaked as though they’d been intimate forever. And who knows, maybe they had. Nightmare Moon didn’t resist in the slightest.

‘I trust you. You’ve got the look of a murderer in your eyes; I can’t stop you, so I’ll trust you instead. I’ll trust with all my soul. Whatever happens, I swear to you, I will be by your side. What are you going to bring our little ponies?’

‘A nation where we don’t rule, sister. A nation where ponies will choose who to represent them wherever it leads them: To famine and war, to prosperity and longevity, to freethinking or to control. The epoch of our diarchy is over, Tia. Democracy will rise. Come, let me show you my conviction.’

Luna called a guard inside. The entirely innocent stallion thought he was going to be court martialed if he was being personally summoned to the presence of both princesses. Nightmare Moon ruthlessly slit his throat instead.

Twilight was already making preparations to travel to Canterlot palace. She’d been offered a flying pig as transport, and she’d sensibly refused it. What confused her most was not the jarring of the celestial cycle, it was that neither of the princesses had contacted her in one way or another. If either Celestia or Luna had fallen ill, or in any other reasonable situation she could conceive, she would have been told. They hadn’t dismissed her completely, had they? As she gathered the energy she needed for such a long-distance teleportation, Discord was quiet except for some occasional incoherent mumbling. Only when Twilight was about to leave did he interrupt her, insisting there was something she needed to know. The mare couldn’t imagine what could be just so important, but let him do so nonetheless.

Discord told Twilight everything - her dreams, Nightmare Moon and how he’d broken free, which was in almost exactly the same way as he’d done before. Which is to say, he’d escaped because chaos was spurting and harmony was not. It effectively paralysed her. She was deeply rattled by both the concept and the possibility that her actions and thoughts being manipulated in no way she could sense nor control. She could have sworn that she did want to leave the palace and even royalty for a while. No matter what Twilight did, it would be under the guise that it may be a lie. Was this doubt her own? We’re her ambitions truly hers? Would she have had these motivations otherwise? Was this, in itself a pulling of some evil heartstrings, so that she did Discord’s will? Twilight had believed she’d learned to trust him, but now she realised she hadn’t, and perhaps rightly so. Was she herself anymore?

The cessation of the planets and stars made ponies believe time had stopped. It was, by definition, the movement of the sun that determined what was a day and what was a night. Though it was done so by alicorns, who were ultimately ponies, wasn’t there some cosmic force they answered to? They feared abandonment of a kind, that their princess no longer cared for them, as well as the death of the crops and the death of themselves. Because the ponies of Equestria had never known the sisters to act, or to be, or to say maliciousness in any way, there was rampant hysteria when there was nopony who could tell them why the moon was at an eternal apex. The foals wailed as the guardians cried for the looting of their homes and what to them seemed to be the end of the world.

It was Discord who spurred Twilight into action, with ulterior motives in mind, inexorably. All he wanted was the destruction of the harmonious elements, the pandemonium that rose as a consequence was merely a bonus. It’s hard to blame an immortal whose motive was to secure his existence outside of stone. Discord argued Twilight had no choice but to act on what she thought was right; this was not the time for apathy or inaction. While he was successful in convincing her, she acted with great reluctance. Twilight was painfully aware however she acted, she was the ignoble bitch. The only difference between her action and her paralysis was the acceptance of her status.

The three alicorns and Discord met in Canterlot for the final time. They faced off in the middle of the city, with Twilight and Discord and the sisters on opposite sides. Smoke rose from the buildings still standing, windows smashed, doors broken and deserted. A few faithful lunatics hadn’t fled, who were now urgently knocking on a magical barrier Nightmare had erected. The sky was black and blue with nightly ash. Twilight, steeled for combat, barked at Discord to gather stragglers and take them somewhere safe. He gleefully refused! He cared for Twilight, but he cared for the unfolding snafu more. Witnessing her rapidly waning alternatives, she called out to Celestia to help her end to this lunacy. Celestia couldn’t match her gaze, glancing downwards, seeing nothing but the cobbled ground instead. It appeared the born alicorn was about to utter, but Nightmare promptly grabbed her muzzle and kissed her, leaning toward the taller mare. Twilight experienced severe difficulty in not charging at Nightmare instantly, screaming in fury and jealousy. It was an irrevocable betrayal on the most primitive level. Nightmare Moon temporarily pulled back, glinted at Twilight, and said ‘She’s mine, bitch.’

That was it. Twilight’s discipline shattered. She didn’t ask what Nightmare wanted and she didn’t question Celestia’s slavish role in this. The red haze was too strong. For somepony who claimed to not have anything against Twilight Sparkle, Nightmare Moon was taking great pleasure from provoking her.

Nightmare shoved her lover aside as soon as she saw the glow of Twilight’s horn and quickly removed her armour, not expecting to survive a hit. Twilight blinked out of existence and had her wing striking at Nightmare’s neck instantaneously, which was barely avoided. Most physical attacks were rare between magically adept ponies, as under normal circumstances, a teleportation could always be responded to with another before the first completed, making it nearly impossible to predict where the opponent(s) would be. But Twilight had feinted a far more powerful spell by having her horn radiate for several seconds as opposed to less than one, catching Nightmare off guard. Nightmare took to the sky and scattered projectiles of massively varying devastation, forcing Twilight to avoid them with a much greater margin than she would otherwise. And she did, for a while, before Twilight summoned a giant astral hammer, simultaneously shielding and striking.

Their struggle had already wrecked several structures and scorched the ground, sending the few ponies who were still in Canterlot, fleeing. What was left was more reminiscent of a war than a brawl. Celestia watched on from under a shield, unmoving, terrified and torn. Discord meanwhile eagerly lapped in the deadly fireworks.

The fight became progressively scrappier and the pacing more erratic.There were spurts of multiple, complex spells, then things elapsed into a few rudimentary blobs of explosive magic, before being ramped up again.

Nightmare dropped a sword from the sky at Twilight, who was now airborne. She predicted Twilight would dodge horizontally, so Nightmare took flight herself, hoping to catch Twilight moving toward her, unprepared. Twilight waited and watched, counting the half-seconds she had until the metal impaled her and didn’t move before she had to. She didn’t get long; Nightmare and the sword met her at the same time. To Nightmare, Twilight did three things at once, swerving left, swung the sword in her mouth and shackled her wings. For the lavender alicorn, it was only one. Nightmare Moon blocked the sword and plummeted. Twilight’s hoof and entire magical might was on her horn before she’d hit the ground.

Twilight poised the sword above Nightmare’s chest. She asked her where she’d learned her aerial maneuvers; Twilight said it was from a friend called Rainbow Dash.

‘What do you want, Nightmare?’

‘A democracy, Twilight. A beautiful, glorious democracy.’

‘You think you can salvage a democracy from this?’

‘No, but you can.’

‘They’ll destroy themselves if I do.’

Apparently the only reason she’d bothered to stop the celestial cycle was to get Twilight’s attention. Nightmare asked for death and warned she’d continue the fight if left alive.

‘Do it, coward, you’ll only be killing a pony.’

Twilight drove blade to flesh with a terrible thunk.

She collapsed from exhaustion, and felt no tears roll down her cheek into the warm crimson pool under her. Who's the murderer now, Twilight? You are, that’s all you are. That’s what you wanted, that’s how you did it and that’s how it went. You’re no better than her, Twilight you never were. She just showed it to you. So you’ve done it. Are you happy? Did it feel good? Is Celestia pleased? Would Spike be proud? Will your dead friends accept you? Do you love who you are? They’ll kill you too, once they hear. They’ll hang you by the horn and watch it get yanked out of your skull. Celestia will be there, smiling. Everypony will be there, smiling. So will Owlicious. He won’t be smiling. And so will Cadence. And so will Shining Armour. They’ll be smiling. You’ll be okay, Twilight, but don’t smile. You didn’t enjoy this.

Celestia dully peered at Luna’s body. She remembered having a promise to keep, what was it? She couldn’t think of it now. She ripped the sword out of the corpse and considered it. Its shine was lost in the dripping blood; she kept it lusterless. It was only as she lay dying, she remembered the promise. She’d kept it.

A phoenix cawed in the distance.

Comments

[OtterMatt]

Hello again, TAP. You know me, and I know you. Given that this is the second time I'm reviewing for you, I hope you understand that I'm taking off the kid gloves this go-round. I've seen a lot of growth in your writing, and I'm gonna push you to do better than ever.

It's time to get WRITE on this thing.

---

What Came Before:
First off, before I even get into this, I'd like to talk a bit about your previous story. What I really liked about it was the characterizations, the way you played personal dynamics against changing scenarios.
What I did not like about it (since, as a critic, I must critique) was some of the psuedo-archaic prose that was highly purple, but mostly that the plot meandered, seemingly aimlessly.

I dunno if you know about the MICE theory, but it basically states that all proper stories can be fitted into one of four categories: Milieu, Idea, Character, or Event. Heartstrings was, by this standard, almost unequivocally a Milieu story, where the basic idea is to show off the world you've created. You're in good company: The Lord of the Rings is a milieu story as well, but the problem is that something still has to happen in it to engage the reader.
It could potentially have been an Idea story, except that aside from the hopelessness of immortality, I don't see that you explored any real ideas in a manner that would suffice for that categorization.
It isn't a Character story, either, because despite all that happens and everything Philomena learns, we really don't see her advance much as a character. She's not totally flat, but her progression doesn't lead her to anything that makes her grow.
And it certainly isn't an Event story, since the plot contains, at best, mini-arcs of plot, small snippets of happenstance that may paint a picture of the futility of control, but don't contribute to any sort of cohesive, overall narrative.

I got a bit lost in your story, I'll admit. I didn't really finish it, aside from the barest of skimmings, because much like the show Lost, I didn't get the impression that it was leading to anything (and that show pulled an ending completely out of its ass, I don't care what anyone says).

This brings me neatly into the new story, which immediately brings a few issues to light.

Comma Usage:
You've improved SIGNIFICANTLY in this regard since I reviewed your first story so long ago, so congratulations on that! There's still a few lessons to go, however.

‘Is this what I think it is, Twilight?

Correct.

‘Grow up will you foal,’

Still missing one here, though. Despite the lack of a proper noun, "you foal" is still considered an address, and needs to be preceded by a comma.

Even an a vivid imagination couldn't conjure talking stars, or a healthy one at least.

Right!

It was dusk when she woke, so much for a healthy sleep pattern.

Wrong.
Commas are great, don't get me wrong, but every so often, you're still using them to stick together phrases and clauses that shouldn't be linked like that. A comma is a pause, never an interruption. For a break like this, you should be using something like an em dash.

It was dusk when she woke—so much for a healthy sleep pattern.

The judges would also have accepted a colon here, but I like the em dash so much more. It gets a bit overused in amateur writing, but it's unknown by too many writers. What it does—and does well—is indicate breaks, interruptions, or parenthetical phrases (like I just did there!). The reason you need this is that parentheses have no place in narrative. Ever. So, these exist to fill the gap. But most commonly, you'll use them to indicate a break. Use it when a character needs to change mental gears quickly, or to tack a thought onto another thought, as you wanted to do in the example.

Characterization:
Hoo boy... I know we're tight and all, but I have to play hardball on this one, TAP. Your characterizations of everypony in the story are so far off that I can't get my head around them. Celestia is a domineering, almost sociopathic Queen instead of a kind, loving, warm Princess? Twilight is abrasive, invasive, and cold to the point of physically assaulting her mentor, who she loves at least as much as her own mother? Luna is a sorrowful drunk who couldn't care less about how her sister runs things?

I'm all for alternate character interpretations, but these changes are so vast, so all-encompassing that they destroy the canon portrayals entirely. I don't see an [Alternate Universe] tag, and think you sorely need one because I don't see any way, any sequence of events that could drive these ponies from what we know to who they are here. Simply put, these are not Twilight, Celestia, and Luna, and the passage of time that seems to have occurred before this story begins is not sufficient to allow for it.

Especially given the fact that the precipitating event for all of this (at least, as far as I can tell) is that an immortal was assisted with a suicide. Given how common and/or normal this seemed in the first story, where a phoenix could tire of their immortality and kill themselves without any real stigma attached, this is almost ludicrously overplayed. If Fluttershy had put down Angel because he was sick, would Twilight have also bitch-slapped her? Basically, the gravitas of the plot far outweighs what it can actually support.

Final Verdict: 1.5/5 Pinkies
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Closing Remarks:
I hope you understand what I'm saying, because I think you have some real talents for writing. What I've put down here is my opinion, and while I (obviously) think it's valid and good advice, your story is yours to tell.
What you have is well-written, overall. The odd grammar error here and there can't detract from that in any significant way. The problem is simply that this story is so incredibly dark. You know what that does to me?
djotter.blossers.net/StorageBank/SuspensionOfDisbelief.jpg
If for no other reason than that, I'm afraid I have to give your story low marks, because I just can't engage with it. It left me behind, and I doubt that I'll feel like putting in the effort required to follow it.

- OtterMatt, WRITE's Organic Mustelid
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[The Apologetic Pony]

3256815
Hiya, Matt. Thanks for reviewing a piece even though you didn't enjoy reading it. Though I bet there's plenty more where that came from!

I suppose it wasn't my intention to write a story in the classical sense in that each event contributes to another, not stuck in its own bubble and providing a clear sense where the plot would be going. These two (stories) ended up being fairly experimental. I still don't know if that's how I want to tell stories, obviously it's not to everyones' tastes. I mean, its just episodic description as it is. Does that make it a bad plot and a bad story? I'll have to figure that one out, haha.

Rest assured, all bar one of the grammatical errors you pointed out are just typos.

I tried to portray Twilight as unquestionably irrational in her reaction to reading of Philomena's death and not even that matters, as like Heartstrings all the events are largely separate. But regardless, as you've said, it needs an alternative universe tag and probably a dark tag too.

The Royal Sisters may be dead, but this writing machine certainly isn't.

Thanks again.

[Ceraph]

Wuh...

Far too abrupt in my opinion.

Not enough spike D:

But it was a fun read, though some continuity would have been pleasant, unless you did it in a sort of "Shaman Story" Style, y'know?

[OtterMatt]

3258047
Dude, like I said, I've seen you grow a lot in a very short amount of time, really. Yeah, I'm not on board with this story, but man, I feel bad about the score I gave you. Not necessarily because I feel it's inaccurate in and of itself, but because it doesn't really say how much better of a writer you are than most of what I review.

I'm really glad you're experimenting with story, because too few people really do that. At least, too few who have the ability to do so. I wish you luck, and I'm looking forward to seeing your future work!

[The Amateur]

I will not try and pretend like I understood what was going on through the minds of these immortals.
Or the broad message of this story and its prequel.
Or the reason why the closure makes me feel like a worn traveler on an endless bridge with a gaping hole well into its length.
Or why I even needed that metaphor to express sadness.

But maybe, there are just some things better left unknown - how it feels like to live forever certainly falls into that group.

[The Apologetic Pony]

4118744
Yup, it would seem immortality does bizarre things to the mind. Well as mysterious as the actions of these immortals may be, I'm glad you enjoyed the journey. Thanks for reading!

[Dark_Night]

all of this... was because of Philomena? how cruel. It's understandable that twilight would act in such a way if she suddenly found out a dark secret that completely changed her opinion of the princesses, but this? I must say this is quite a long way past where the line is drawn. Its a good story but I hoped to actually find out what exactly happened to Philomena. I mean, I pieced it together, Philomena wanted to die so she traveled to canterlot so the only two ponies who could ever truly set her sorrowful spirit free would reside. but dang. Was not really expecting that to spiral into THIS.

[The Apologetic Pony]

4307502
Yeah I mean, this is already a universe that would make Twilight, Luna, Celestia and immortals in general don't get along all that well. We don't know how long, or even why Luna's been messing with ponies' dreams to some extent. Maybe they're all just a bit fed up of living (so long), similar to Philomena. Regardless, thanks for your time, both for reading these two piles of words as well as your comment!