• Member Since 8th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen November 5th

The Apologetic Pony


It's all about diabolical calculations of empathy, yo.


T
Source

Taking place a millennium before the show, Sombra never did get along with his father. This story tells his upbringing, and how he came to be the infamous tyrant of the Crystal Kingdom.


I don't know exactly where I'm going with this, so tags may be subject to change. Keep those comments coming and thanks for reading!

Chapters (43)
Comments ( 8 )

I have arrived to do some reading. Prepare your literature.

I came back and re-read it.

I can relate to him so much.

THe final line was incredibly amusing.

Procrastinating in school right now can't sentence.

WHY IS SOMETHING SO SIMPLE AS HIS NAME CREATING SO MUCH SUSPENSE?

There's things that I like about this story and things that I don't like about it.

Let's start off with the negative first.

For one, you tend to tell a lot more than you show. I would really like to have seen some of Sombra's experimentation with magic in a bit more depth. You could've written the scene where he first learns his magic, since we never get to see it. Also, the relationship with his father, I feel like you could flesh this out a lot more. Why does he hate his father? He says that Alex is abusive, but we never actually see him actually being abusive. Grounding Sombra for crushing his sister's prized gem is what a lot of parents would do. Even the part where he smacks him, a lot of parents spank their kids. It doesn't automatically mean they're abusive. Show him like talking down to Sombra and calling him worthless, show him physically abusing Sombra, etc.

Another negative is that this doesn't really feel like a pony story. Let's start with the fact that Sombra rose to power at least 1,000 years ago. Yet we see things like cans of beer, modern schools, and modern lingo like "fuck" and "pedo." It feels more like a high school drama than anything.

But, here's the positive. You have a very interesting storytelling style. You can be a bit wordy at times, but you have just enough snark to make it interesting to read. You're really blunt, and do a good job writing like a disaffected and troubled teenager would. That alone kept me reading.

Also, I like a lot of your headcanon. The thing about unidentified cutie mark syndrome is an interesting bit of headcanon.

I'll fave this and see where it goes.

Comment posted by Chaos Nightmare deleted Mar 9th, 2014

wait what looking at her neck??????:applejackunsure:

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