Whispering Spirits

by Darth Jackie

Chapter 1

As the campfire lit the night sky like a forest fire, four native american warriors sit around the fire, preforming a dance to which they believe that their spirit animals would help them destroy their enemies and to save their people

The dance was practiced and every time the drum beats it matched the dancers movements, "Brothers Shadow Hawk, Whispering Moon and Silent Star, tonight we call upon our spirit animals!" Lone Snake shouted while getting up.

The beat of the drum grew more louder as the dance progresses, "When our spirit animals come they will help us crush the white devils at Wounded Knee and save our land and people!" Lone Snake said grabbing a bag of animal parts, He pulled out a snake head and shouted "I Lone Snake, the symbol of the snake I summon you!" he then threw the head into the fire and the flames grew an inch.

Lone Snake then pulled out a hawk feather and placed it into the fire "Brother Shadow Hawk, the symbol of the hawk I summon you!" he shouted then pulling out a wolfs claw, he approached Whispering Moon and he placed the point of the claw and scratched his chest with the claw.

"Brother Whispering Moon, a symbol of the wolf I summon you!" Lone Snake shouted while throwing the blooded claw into the fire, Lone Snake then pulled out a bat wing and placed it next to the claw "AND BROTHER SILENT STAR, A SYMBOL OF THE BAT I SUMMON YOU!" Lone Snake shouted as loud as he can be.

The drum beats grew louder, louder and louder, Lone Snake then quickly grabbed the ashes of the items he put into the fire and placed them in a bowl, he then grabbed a single arrow and his bow. Lone snake cuts his own cheek with the arrow and dipped the arrow in the ashes.

He then aimed the arrow with his bow at the moon and fired it sky high, "With the ashes of our animals and mixture of my blood, when the arrow lands our spirits will be summoned!" the arrow lands into the fire and all of the warriors then suddenly screamed at the top of their lungs as the fire dies down living the area in darkness.

When the fire went out, a sudden burst of light lit the night and startled the warriors "What was that?" Shadow Hawk asked looking up into the sky "It's clearly a storm, so calm yourself." Whispering Moon said looking up at the sky to see no thunder clouds around "Hey stupid, theirs no clouds it's clear as day." Then another burst of light lit the sky again, The warriors noticed the light coming from the north side of their camp.

"That must be our spirit animals, come on lets go!" Silent Star said in excitement rushing towards the light "Damn it he's going to get himself killed!" Lone Snaked shouted running after Silent Star, Both the other brothers lost them in the darknss of the forest, they had no choice but to follow.

When they both got to the spot where the light was touching down at both Silent Star and Lone Snake were unconscious and in pain, Whispering Moon went up to them and saw no sighs of a bear attack nor any sighs of a animal marks on their bodies, "What kind of animal could have done this?" Shadow Hawk asked examining Silent Star.

"Um...H..hello?" A female voice said from out of nowhere causing the two brothers to jump back a little, "Who's there?" Shadow Hawk asked looking around to see nothing but tree's and bushes.

"Um...My...my name is Fluttershy." The voice said quietly, the warriors couldn't hear and the asked again and still they couldn't hear her.

Then another burst of light flashed the night and suddenly caused the two brothers to fall to the ground unconscious, but Whispering Moon was nearly knocked out and could hear more female voices but the light has caused him to not open his eyes "Fluttershy are you alright?" "Oh yes Applejack I'm ok." Fluttershy said walking over to the unconscious warriors.

But before he could hear the rest of the conversation he passed out.

Applejack poked Lone Snakes Arm, he twitched and caused her to jump a little, "What in the name of Celestia are these creatures?" She asked with concern, Fluttershy searched the area to identify what they were "Hm...They don't look like any animal I've seen." Fluttershy said.

The clouds began to form and tiny pattern of rain hit Twilight's mane and caused her to look up to the sky, she rain into a cave accompanied by Applejack and Fluttershy , "How is it raining? Theirs no Pegasi anywhere." Twilight said holding her hoof out and catching rain.

"Hm...we might be in a world where it's like the Everfree forest." Applejack said laying down and falling asleep and so did Fluttershy but Twilight stayed up and collected her thoughts but she was too tired and fell fast asleep.

While sleeping Twilight had strange nightmare that kept her from sleeping, she just stayed up and waited for her to tire out, it took awhile but the sounds of the rain put her to sleep *Hm...this world might be alright if I knew where we are.* She thought in her head then again falling asleep calmly.

Lone Snake woke up to see his brothers unconscious and he tried to wake them but he had to drag them back to their camp and to place them in their tents, later after he placed them in their tents Lone Snake then returned to the spot he passed out at. "Hm...strange." He said while laying down on the moist grass and then falling asleep.

Author's Note:

Please leave a nice comment:)

Comments

[EricKilla]

... Wat.
... You...
Waaaat.
No. Just no. As a guy who lives in Texas, and has a keen interest in (and a decent knowledge of) the Indian Wars and this stuff... Ya, I just wanna smack you right now. Hard.

[Regidar]

2656095 let the love into your heart erich

[Dr. Equestria]

Oh, you done fuck up son. You done fuck up.

[totallynotabrony]

Your spelling and grammar are good. The idea is unique, but I can see how some people would find it objectionable.

Don't let it discourage you, though. For a first story, you seem to understand proper format. Keep writing. Practice makes perfect.

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[Warren Peace]

While you don't break the: don't have chapters less than a thousand words rule, you do come close (and that's not good). Try to aim for at least twelve hundred as a minimum because otherwise you're playing with fire and might end up getting burned.

four Native American Americans

While I'd likely not bother with something so trivial in the story, your description is another matter entirely. The description is the reader's first view into your story, if that view is muddled by a stain then you're already letting down their expectations.

But enough of this, onto the story!

[The Injins throwing stuff into the fire]

By Sithis, this shit sounds like something outta Yu-Gi-Oh or freakin' Poke'mon or something. Sheesh. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a lot about Injins, but I'm rather certain that they aren't like that. Anyways, the visuals of this scene are lacking and the scene could be made much better if you threw in some nice descriptions of cool stuff happening when they threw stuff into the fire. Cliche? Maybe. But it'd still be better than it is now.

Lone Snake then quickly grabbed the ashes of the items he put into the fire and cried out in pain as the fire burnt his freakin' hand placed them in a bowl

Yeah, I don't care if you're an Injin or not, you can't reach into a fire to pull out the ashes until the following terms are met: One, the fire dies. And two, the ashes lose all the heat in them making them safe to freakin' handle.

"It's clearly a storm, so calm yourself."

Of course, because the moon was clearly visible not ten-freakin'-seconds ago. Injins aren't stupid, author. They don't have the memory of a goldfish and they wouldn't think it was a storm unless the sky was filled up with clouds that, in the case of a storm, would cover up the moon! Your story has logical flaws aplenty. I also just noticed that you've got multiple speakers in the same paragraph, don't do that. Whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph.

But before he could hear the rest of the conversation he passed out.

That entire scene was stupid. Try again.

Applejack said, laying down and falling asleep

Wat. So she pops into a new world and the first thing that she does is go to freakin' sleep? No, that's so utterly stupid and so obviously a case of a character acting for the sole purpose of making the plot work in a way that it wouldn't. These ponies are acting OOC, FIX THAT!

The rest was just too goddamn painful to even comprehend. I'm sorry, but no. The ending was weak as hell and the entire thing was just utterly stupid. The characters acted stupid and for the sole purpose of making the plot work (all of them) and you had the stupid cliche of all the humans getting TKO'd that so many HiEs have (granted, this is a PoE, but it's still a pony-human crossover and therefore of a similar genre with similar cliches). My suggestion? Eliminate the story and write something else. Also, I was able to spot a few grammatical errors. Put this into a Microsoft Word file and read it OUT LOUD (I can't stress that enough) to find and kill any typos and other errors.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)

[Lucas]

Some of the wording could use reconsideration such as the very first sentence.

As the campfire lit the night sky like a forest fire, four native american warriors sit around the fire, preforming a dance....

For one you should have capitalized Native American, secondly Performing instead of preforming would be the correct word for use. And, while I understand that the battle of Wounded Knee was involving a good number of the Natives upon the Reservations. You should possibly note that this would only occur before or after the battle of Wounded Knee. The actual fight only lasted a day at most, and is argued to not even having been a battle, but perhaps a massacre. Massacre mainly because the shots fired had become indiscriminate towards either Warriors or Innocent, etc.

Also on your definition..

"One night at a campfire near The battle of Wounded Knee, four Native American preform the ritual by their ponies to summon their spirit animals to defeat The U.S Troops and save their ponies but instead of their spirits, a bunch of ponies appear and U.S desires to use their ability's in many battles."
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You should consider changing preform again to perform, also whether or not the group of natives at the time still had belief in spirit animals could be debated since another religion had been taken up as in the belief of invulnerability by the "Ghost Dance".

Nonetheless, you deserve credit on originality, and I really would like to see this continued. Although working on characters and characterization would be my last tip.. Good Luck

"To disbelieve is easy; to scoff is simple; to have faith is harder." - Louis L'Amour