• Member Since 18th Mar, 2013
  • offline last seen Nov 3rd, 2013

Darth Jackie

I'm just rookie in Fanfiction writing for the show MLP:FIM so any advice can be helpful.


One night at a campfire near The battle of Wounded Knee, four Native American preform the ritual by their people to summon their spirit animals to defeat The U.S Troops and save their people but instead of their spirits, a bunch of ponies appear and U.S desires to use their ability's in many battles.

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 7 )

... Wat.
... You...
No. Just no. As a guy who lives in Texas, and has a keen interest in (and a decent knowledge of) the Indian Wars and this stuff... Ya, I just wanna smack you right now. Hard.

2656095 let the love into your heart erich

Oh, you done fuck up son. You done fuck up.

Your spelling and grammar are good. The idea is unique, but I can see how some people would find it objectionable.

Don't let it discourage you, though. For a first story, you seem to understand proper format. Keep writing. Practice makes perfect.

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

While you don't break the: don't have chapters less than a thousand words rule, you do come close (and that's not good). Try to aim for at least twelve hundred as a minimum because otherwise you're playing with fire and might end up getting burned.

four Native American Americans

While I'd likely not bother with something so trivial in the story, your description is another matter entirely. The description is the reader's first view into your story, if that view is muddled by a stain then you're already letting down their expectations.

But enough of this, onto the story!

[The Injins throwing stuff into the fire]

By Sithis, this shit sounds like something outta Yu-Gi-Oh or freakin' Poke'mon or something. Sheesh. I'll be the first to admit that I don't know a lot about Injins, but I'm rather certain that they aren't like that. Anyways, the visuals of this scene are lacking and the scene could be made much better if you threw in some nice descriptions of cool stuff happening when they threw stuff into the fire. Cliche? Maybe. But it'd still be better than it is now.

Lone Snake then quickly grabbed the ashes of the items he put into the fire and cried out in pain as the fire burnt his freakin' hand placed them in a bowl

Yeah, I don't care if you're an Injin or not, you can't reach into a fire to pull out the ashes until the following terms are met: One, the fire dies. And two, the ashes lose all the heat in them making them safe to freakin' handle.

"It's clearly a storm, so calm yourself."

Of course, because the moon was clearly visible not ten-freakin'-seconds ago. Injins aren't stupid, author. They don't have the memory of a goldfish and they wouldn't think it was a storm unless the sky was filled up with clouds that, in the case of a storm, would cover up the moon! Your story has logical flaws aplenty. I also just noticed that you've got multiple speakers in the same paragraph, don't do that. Whenever someone new speaks, start a new paragraph.

But before he could hear the rest of the conversation he passed out.

That entire scene was stupid. Try again.

Applejack said, laying down and falling asleep

Wat. So she pops into a new world and the first thing that she does is go to freakin' sleep? No, that's so utterly stupid and so obviously a case of a character acting for the sole purpose of making the plot work in a way that it wouldn't. These ponies are acting OOC, FIX THAT!

The rest was just too goddamn painful to even comprehend. I'm sorry, but no. The ending was weak as hell and the entire thing was just utterly stupid. The characters acted stupid and for the sole purpose of making the plot work (all of them) and you had the stupid cliche of all the humans getting TKO'd that so many HiEs have (granted, this is a PoE, but it's still a pony-human crossover and therefore of a similar genre with similar cliches). My suggestion? Eliminate the story and write something else. Also, I was able to spot a few grammatical errors. Put this into a Microsoft Word file and read it OUT LOUD (I can't stress that enough) to find and kill any typos and other errors.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...

Some of the wording could use reconsideration such as the very first sentence.

As the campfire lit the night sky like a forest fire, four native american warriors sit around the fire, preforming a dance....

For one you should have capitalized Native American, secondly Performing instead of preforming would be the correct word for use. And, while I understand that the battle of Wounded Knee was involving a good number of the Natives upon the Reservations. You should possibly note that this would only occur before or after the battle of Wounded Knee. The actual fight only lasted a day at most, and is argued to not even having been a battle, but perhaps a massacre. Massacre mainly because the shots fired had become indiscriminate towards either Warriors or Innocent, etc.

Also on your definition..

"One night at a campfire near The battle of Wounded Knee, four Native American preform the ritual by their ponies to summon their spirit animals to defeat The U.S Troops and save their ponies but instead of their spirits, a bunch of ponies appear and U.S desires to use their ability's in many battles."
You should consider changing preform again to perform, also whether or not the group of natives at the time still had belief in spirit animals could be debated since another religion had been taken up as in the belief of invulnerability by the "Ghost Dance".

Nonetheless, you deserve credit on originality, and I really would like to see this continued. Although working on characters and characterization would be my last tip.. Good Luck

"To disbelieve is easy; to scoff is simple; to have faith is harder." - Louis L'Amour

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