Nightmare Moon finds herself trapped on Earth, unable to communicate or touch anyone. Anyone that is, but a young man by the name of Jason. A young man, that she comes to love so much. A young man...that she would kill for to protect.
DAMN IT STOP UPLOADING STUFF WHEN I'M BUSY, I'm thinking should i stop what i'm doing and read this or keep going. Damn this is like Mass effect what decision your gonna make and the entire galaxy is in you're hands but then i'm not deciding the fate of the motherfucking galaxy ah fuck it.
Ok continue please! So the end of come back to me the last chapter that was NMM and Jason this is shaping up to be a great series! Upvote and fave.
And a good love story for NMM always have a place in my heart everyone needs love ^^
So humans is Chris tony and Jason o.o >> so curious on how the main story will turn out I'm assuming after this story your gunna jump to Tonys story with Luna? 8D
And NMM is Damn fine in that pic xP can't stop staring
I like this. I really like this. Maybe it's the fact that Luna is my favorite pony, but whatever. Also why is it always the weak, skinny teens bein introduced to the ponies. Why can't it be the weak chubby teens. Come ooonn. Please go on with story.
I do hate to be negative, but I'm not crazy about the idea of "sob story teenager bones pony" stories. I doubt I'll be finishing this one. This whole universe you have here just doesn't seem like my cup of tea. Nightmare Moon is pretty cute, though.
On another note, you don't seem to be using your old-ish English words properly. A very quick google search suggests a reference here. It's not the most advanced reference ever, but it should be sufficient for writing Nightmare Moon, so you may want to give it a look.
Before I begin, I realize I'm going to sound a little more negative than I should in the negative section, but I assure you it's only meant to be that way in order to emphasize the points I want to make in that list. They're important problems and even though not numerous, they're still quite important to address when writing your next story.
Lastly, I would also like to say, the goods in this story's introduction far outweigh the bads, so I hope that will get you more motivated, if anything.
problems:
I. Big Cons: Problem number 1. Nightmare Moon's objective in this isn't explained in this paragraph "He's going to be mine, my Human". Why and when? that is my question here.. Why and when did she decide this? the story didn't make it clear at any point, so please, elaborate here..
Problem number 2. "He has a shitty life". *shakes head in disbelief* Let me just elaborate one reason why this line is horrible in context of story telling. In the proverb that came from one of Hamlet's characters written by William Shakespeare, it states that "Brevity is the soul of wit". What does that mean? effective communication is done more intelligently through means less than a factual statement. In story telling, it could be an event that dictates the said factual message to the viewer, it could be a character, someone's life, but the point of this proverb and going by it in fiction is that you Cannot spell out the meaning of your context to the viewer. Now at last comes in this, "He has a shitty life".. See, because this is so factual, so disconnected from any kind of artistic view, and kind of planning to give an example that the reader can understand said example is supposed to represent a bad / horrible fate upon the character, we have a part of the story that is essentially the author spelling out the situation for us. THIS IS HORRIBLE STORY TELLING.. This almost broke my entire sense of disbelief in the introduction chapter, because it is so blatantly shoved in there for no reason that it doesn't even deserve to so much as Exist in a story.
Now I know that may sound harsh, but I'm just trying to make a point in how lines like those are just Stupid for story telling purposes. They don't tell us Anything other than how a character felt, which doesn't mean ANYTHING to us, because we don't know what happened, we just know they felt like that, but we don't know why. Furthermore, if you had the events placed about and explain through them the lives of your characters, THEN STOP THERE. Why add this F***ing stupid line even if you have All of that already? In story telling, Lines like these should be considered a sin.
II. Minor Cons:
Problem number 1, "My Human". Let me say it straight off, these words have to make sense in context of the story to your reader. Maybe they do in your mind right now author, but after reading them, I don't get it.. She's not attracted to him, she doesn't Desire him, so why are These two specific words even in this chapter!? they seem like a throwback to your "Come back to me" story, where Celestia would also refer to her lover as "her Human". These things need to make sense if you want to add them. (I know it was added in later again and explained, but that's why it's just POINTLESS to have it also present in This particular chapter)
Now that that's done..
Goods:
I. Big Pros: 1. The Character isn't a generic board cut out of a sob teenager. I have to put a little emphasis on this, because it is essentially a hundred times better than Chris Higgot. This character makes me see a real kid in him, not just some fabricated story telling serving character. He is serving the story telling, but it doesn't come off in a fabricated way. He may not be an amazing character, but you're getting there. Keep on this track and improve this a lot with future stories, they may essentially save your readers' interest in your stories.
2. Nightmare Moon's character is explained, given a reason and elaborated the despair and hole in her life. THIS, THIS IS HOW A CHARACTER INTRODUCTION SHOULD BE! *cough*, sorry for all the yelling, but seriously, This is how you should introduce all your characters! You have to give us examples, something to understand about how the characters act and how they are, this is just a perfect introduction and you should keep on this style of character introduction.
No Shitty life comments, no life sucks, everything sucks, give us Settings, Events, Characters to explore and we'll understand Everything you want us to understand about your characters! In summarization, what you did here right is giving Nightmare Moon her backstory story in here.
3. The meeting. (this being exclusively considered only for Human tagged stories only, for me anyway) The meeting is a lot better. Even if you adopted a nice mystery feel to it that makes it just unknown for now and that's good. I'm happy with having it like this than having it be nonsensical in the way that it makes you logically question the character's decisions. This is good. Not perfect, but acceptable.
4. Character relationship build up. This one is really good. I really like this character relationship, because for one thing, I understand it. I am present as an observer in this story and how the relationship is building and that is making it essentially perfect.
5. Your side characters, the antagonists, etc. These are all good, once again. They're more close to humans and they act more like humans. Although the inclusion of bullies is just typical and overdone, I can forgive this cliché personally, but I would much rather if you elaborated on the bully more if you want to use him again.
II. Minor Goods: 1. The character's environments. I like this setting because it's believable, I can imagine this being my hometown even.
So far, 4 Big Pros vs 1 Big Con (the other 2 being just minor problems.
2604678 Nightmare Moon wasn't as developed as Luna in the sense that you could say she MUST have that old English speaking vocabulary to herself. In fact, coming from the show, she was talking more in present day English.
as for teenager sob stories, I can forgive this one. Yeah, the idea is a cliché, but it's much better executed here and whether you like it or not is just a matter of taste here.
Thy: that belongs to thee, the possessive form of thou. Archaic form of "your". Thus, the modern form of this chapter's title is "Will You Be Your Friend". I'm not completely sure, but somehow I don't think that's what you meant? I'm pretty sure you meant "will you be my/our friend", which in Early Modern English should be "Wilt Thou Beest My/Our Friend".
...But regardless, if it hasn't become obvious, you need to do more research on archaic English if you're going to make regular use of it. I noticed quite a lot of misused words in Luna's speaking parts while reading Escape From The Mistress Of Dreams.
Such as this part:
"Doth thou understand us now?"
"Doth" (alternately, "doeth") is the archaic third-person singular simple present indicative form of "do", synonymous with modern "does".
"Does you understand us now?"
You actually needed the word "dost", the archaic second-person singular simple present form of "do":
"Dost thou understand us now?"
There isn't an equivalent to this form in modern English—we would just say "do you understand us now" nowadays.
I would be willing to help you with the archaic English if you would like. Just send me a PM and we can talk about it.
DAMN IT STOP UPLOADING STUFF WHEN I'M BUSY, I'm thinking should i stop what i'm doing and read this or keep going. Damn this is like Mass effect what decision your gonna make and the entire galaxy is in you're hands but then i'm not deciding the fate of the motherfucking galaxy ah fuck it.
Already read this but i just wanted to say hi... Hi
2599516
HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
2599518 Read mine do it!
Looks promising, I'll have a look see later.
Yes just yes.
Eleven faves, and up votes in just an hour, and no down votes. I will say that this story is off to a good start.
2599579 More like 30 mins
2599587
Yup.
Also, a very lovely picture that you are using. I bet that is helping to get attention.
2599600
Mayyyybe.
But come on, she is damn fineeee
2599602
Very true.
The picture beckons, and the story ensnares them.
Ok before I even read I have to say I LOVE. That nmm pic! And I am excited for this sequel!
I give you all the *squees* (Fluttershy style) I can "do a barrel roll"
but seriously I like where this is going.
Ok continue please! So the end of come back to me the last chapter that was NMM and Jason this is shaping up to be a great series! Upvote and fave.
And a good love story for NMM always have a place in my heart everyone needs love ^^
So humans is Chris tony and Jason o.o >> so curious on how the main story will turn out I'm assuming after this story your gunna jump to Tonys story with Luna? 8D
And NMM is Damn fine in that pic xP can't stop staring
Im very excited about this make more please
This was perfect!! LOVE IT!!
Love it. Please make updates often!
Keep it up, man! WOO!!!
Moony!?Buck! Author, why you put spoilers at the end of the previous story? It killed all intrigue.
I like this. I really like this. Maybe it's the fact that Luna is my favorite pony, but whatever. Also why is it always the weak, skinny teens bein introduced to the ponies. Why can't it be the weak chubby teens. Come ooonn. Please go on with story.
......... More
yay another good fic by _____ (no i cant spell your name right now [no im too lazy to look it up {What do you take me for? a normal person?}])
I think the name of the chapter is a bit incorrect, but liking the story so far!
OHHHHH i see what you did in "come back to me" now that i know who "moony" is im so excited for more chapters of "come back to me"
Ha, I knew it! Nightmare Moon has mane extentions.
vivat nocte
Oh.My.God!!! MOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!
I do hate to be negative, but I'm not crazy about the idea of "sob story teenager bones pony" stories.
I doubt I'll be finishing this one. This whole universe you have here just doesn't seem like my cup of tea.
Nightmare Moon is pretty cute, though.
On another note, you don't seem to be using your old-ish English words properly.
A very quick google search suggests a reference here.
It's not the most advanced reference ever, but it should be sufficient for writing Nightmare Moon, so you may want to give it a look.
2602822LOL
hey my last name is fletcher to
but im not a total ass like that dude in the story
Just wow, Fantastic i must say. It will have a DEEP END
get it?By the wisdom of Vergilius!
myfacewhen.net/uploads/5799-thats-damn-good.gif
Good beginning, especially with the good nightmare here and everything.
I'm loving this so far!
Could do without yet another bland "golden soul in a world of shit" protagonist, but I'll give it another chapter or two and see where it goes.
I should have never started to read the latest story you made before this... WHY DO I HAVE HORRIBLE SENSE OF TIMING!!?
First, I was watching the season finale of Littlest Pet Shop first out of all the episodes... Now, this!
I hate myself
Before I begin, I realize I'm going to sound a little more negative than I should in the negative section, but I assure you it's only meant to be that way in order to emphasize the points I want to make in that list. They're important problems and even though not numerous, they're still quite important to address when writing your next story.
Lastly, I would also like to say, the goods in this story's introduction far outweigh the bads, so I hope that will get you more motivated, if anything.
problems:
I. Big Cons:
Problem number 1.
Nightmare Moon's objective in this isn't explained in this paragraph "He's going to be mine, my Human". Why and when? that is my question here.. Why and when did she decide this? the story didn't make it clear at any point, so please, elaborate here..
Problem number 2.
"He has a shitty life". *shakes head in disbelief*
Let me just elaborate one reason why this line is horrible in context of story telling.
In the proverb that came from one of Hamlet's characters written by William Shakespeare, it states that "Brevity is the soul of wit". What does that mean? effective communication is done more intelligently through means less than a factual statement. In story telling, it could be an event that dictates the said factual message to the viewer, it could be a character, someone's life, but the point of this proverb and going by it in fiction is that you Cannot spell out the meaning of your context to the viewer.
Now at last comes in this, "He has a shitty life".. See, because this is so factual, so disconnected from any kind of artistic view, and kind of planning to give an example that the reader can understand said example is supposed to represent a bad / horrible fate upon the character, we have a part of the story that is essentially the author spelling out the situation for us. THIS IS HORRIBLE STORY TELLING..
This almost broke my entire sense of disbelief in the introduction chapter, because it is so blatantly shoved in there for no reason that it doesn't even deserve to so much as Exist in a story.
Now I know that may sound harsh, but I'm just trying to make a point in how lines like those are just Stupid for story telling purposes. They don't tell us Anything other than how a character felt, which doesn't mean ANYTHING to us, because we don't know what happened, we just know they felt like that, but we don't know why.
Furthermore, if you had the events placed about and explain through them the lives of your characters, THEN STOP THERE. Why add this F***ing stupid line even if you have All of that already?
In story telling, Lines like these should be considered a sin.
II. Minor Cons:
Problem number 1, "My Human".
Let me say it straight off, these words have to make sense in context of the story to your reader. Maybe they do in your mind right now author, but after reading them, I don't get it.. She's not attracted to him, she doesn't Desire him, so why are These two specific words even in this chapter!? they seem like a throwback to your "Come back to me" story, where Celestia would also refer to her lover as "her Human".
These things need to make sense if you want to add them. (I know it was added in later again and explained, but that's why it's just POINTLESS to have it also present in This particular chapter)
Now that that's done..
Goods:
I. Big Pros:
1. The Character isn't a generic board cut out of a sob teenager.
I have to put a little emphasis on this, because it is essentially a hundred times better than Chris Higgot. This character makes me see a real kid in him, not just some fabricated story telling serving character. He is serving the story telling, but it doesn't come off in a fabricated way.
He may not be an amazing character, but you're getting there. Keep on this track and improve this a lot with future stories, they may essentially save your readers' interest in your stories.
2. Nightmare Moon's character is explained, given a reason and elaborated the despair and hole in her life.
THIS, THIS IS HOW A CHARACTER INTRODUCTION SHOULD BE!
*cough*, sorry for all the yelling, but seriously, This is how you should introduce all your characters! You have to give us examples, something to understand about how the characters act and how they are, this is just a perfect introduction and you should keep on this style of character introduction.
No Shitty life comments, no life sucks, everything sucks, give us Settings, Events, Characters to explore and we'll understand Everything you want us to understand about your characters!
In summarization, what you did here right is giving Nightmare Moon her backstory story in here.
3. The meeting. (this being exclusively considered only for Human tagged stories only, for me anyway)
The meeting is a lot better. Even if you adopted a nice mystery feel to it that makes it just unknown for now and that's good. I'm happy with having it like this than having it be nonsensical in the way that it makes you logically question the character's decisions.
This is good. Not perfect, but acceptable.
4. Character relationship build up.
This one is really good. I really like this character relationship, because for one thing, I understand it. I am present as an observer in this story and how the relationship is building and that is making it essentially perfect.
5. Your side characters, the antagonists, etc.
These are all good, once again. They're more close to humans and they act more like humans. Although the inclusion of bullies is just typical and overdone, I can forgive this cliché personally, but I would much rather if you elaborated on the bully more if you want to use him again.
II. Minor Goods:
1. The character's environments.
I like this setting because it's believable, I can imagine this being my hometown even.
So far, 4 Big Pros vs 1 Big Con (the other 2 being just minor problems.
2604678 Nightmare Moon wasn't as developed as Luna in the sense that you could say she MUST have that old English speaking vocabulary to herself. In fact, coming from the show, she was talking more in present day English.
as for teenager sob stories, I can forgive this one. Yeah, the idea is a cliché, but it's much better executed here and whether you like it or not is just a matter of taste here.
Wow, I'm liking where this is going.
And seeing what Jason went though today and how Moony had to do to defend him, I can see why there's a gore tag.
This is going to be a very interesting story!
I have high hopes for the rest, but the gore tag is scaring the shit out of me.
2717519
the only gore tags you should be scared of is the one on rainbow factory
Feels...feels...feels...feels...feels...feels...FEELS!...FEELS!...FEELS!
"Because admitting that you're lonely means that you must accept it.
And very few can withstand the soul crushing realization of what it means to be truly alone."
made me think of this song
love-hit.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/06/My-love-for-you-keeps-increasing-every-second.jpg
This. Is. PERFECTION.
Nightmare moon discovers Facebook.
Thy: that belongs to thee, the possessive form of thou. Archaic form of "your".
Thus, the modern form of this chapter's title is "Will You Be Your Friend". I'm not completely sure, but somehow I don't think that's what you meant? I'm pretty sure you meant "will you be my/our friend", which in Early Modern English should be "Wilt Thou Beest My/Our Friend".
...But regardless, if it hasn't become obvious, you need to do more research on archaic English if you're going to make regular use of it. I noticed quite a lot of misused words in Luna's speaking parts while reading Escape From The Mistress Of Dreams.
Such as this part:
"Doth" (alternately, "doeth") is the archaic third-person singular simple present indicative form of "do", synonymous with modern "does".
You actually needed the word "dost", the archaic second-person singular simple present form of "do":
There isn't an equivalent to this form in modern English—we would just say "do you understand us now" nowadays.
I would be willing to help you with the archaic English if you would like. Just send me a PM and we can talk about it.
3020749encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSZ713-h8FH7ERSYGMnMMzaVDCTJsJtVHnFHr5tIW75CV0Zh10rKA
3053868
stream1.gifsoup.com/view/980226/hammertime-o.gif
2770667 you touched yourself didn't you
nice opening