Revolutionaries

by ColoradoBlueJay

Planning a rebellion

Planning a rebellion

The moon hung high in the sky, casting it's white glow over snow covered cobble stone streets. The wind whipped and screamed as it passed through the filthy alleyways. The surrounding buildings had very little light, and all the windows were covered in soot. A few ponies who couldn't manage to keep a home or were thrown out by the king's soldiers from the recent quartering acts put into law stayed outside. They shivered in the cold and nibbled on small loafs of bread. They only took small bites to share what little they had with one another before they would die. Sounds of heavy marching came around the corner. As it grew louder and louder, all the ponies huddled even closer together.

Through the snow fall, one could see red emerging and long blades waving around. In front of the formation column, lead his garrison of troops down the street. His name was Horn, Commodore Horn. His pearly white coat almost blended in with the snow. His uniform was sleek and contoured to his body well. His attire was mainly made of the toughest fiber's. It was a bright red with black accents and golden tassels draped over his shoulder's. He wore a black tri edged hat with gold embroidery. He looked around at the suffering ponies around him as they made their way down the street. He stopped and his formation of six stopped directly behind. He turned to face them.

"Get them off the street, and into these homes." Horn ordered, with a gruff but authoritative voice. The soldiers disbanded and helped the ponies into the nearby homes. From behind Horn came another pony. His was coat grey and had areas randomly covered in black soot. He wore a dark blue blouse and vest. A blue cape traveled from his neck and past his ash colored tail. A brown, three edged hat covered his eyes with a shadow. The stranger stopped directly behind the Commodore. He coughed once to gain Horn's attention. Horn turned and looked the stranger strait in the eyes.

The stranger pulled down his grey wool scarf.

"Commodore." The stallion said with a curt nod.

"Yes what is it Stencil?" Horn asked with slight sarcasm. Stencil removed his hat and dusted off the snow that lay waste to it.

"We wish to have your presence in the 'council' once more." Is all he said.

"I will be there as soon as I can." Horn said keeping a stern face. Stencil nodded and returned from which he came. Not too long after Stencil's departure, Horn's troops filed back into formation.

"You are all free to leave for the night, sleep well and be back to your post." His men gave sighs of relief and trotted away as fast as they could. As for the Commodore he now had an unscheduled appointment to attend to at the town hall. He briskly trotted to avoid any possible thieves that may be out at night.

Within a minute of walking through whipping winds Horn could finally see the town hall and the two lanterns that sat perched over the building's white tower. He started his way up the snow packed hill, making the snow crunch under his weight. Once to the footsteps of the brown double doors, Horn rapped on the left door three times. Locks shifted and moved and soon the door shot right open, allowing entrance for the Commodore. Horn removed his hat and after a good dusting off he placed it upon a wooden hanger. There were seven other earth ponies gathered around a large table discussing political ideas and views.

"There are ponies starving out there, how can you refuse to not aid them?" yelled one pony who was leaning over the table, hoof raised in the air while the other firmly planted into the surface of the table. His white powdered wig became loose and sinking below the brow, the pony in turn threw it off his head revealing his true, natural black mane.

"ENOUGH!" yelled a pony clad in a uniform similar to Horn's, but was dark blue with crimson accents. "We have far more worse problems to deal with than this nation's people starving to death." Said the pony in a calm but still tense state.

"Then what do you suggest we do Hoofington?" asked a mustard colored pony, who had placed both of his hooves on the table, staring intently at Hoofington. "Well?" he asked with a stern tone in his voice. Hoofington sighed and flared his nostrils a bit.

"We do not have very long before our plot is discovered, I suggest we act now or forever let our- no, everypony's lives be left in fear."

"What is our best course of action?" added Horn.

"I vote for a riot at the nation's capital, so our voice may be heard."

"There's talk of an ambassador coming from the kingdom of Equestria, now since our kingdom has kept the truth away from Equestria, now is the time to show what is really going on." said Stencil standing in the back of the room.

"So you're suggesting foreign aid? Am I correct?" Horn asked with a strange disbelief.

"Precisely, Equestria is our nation's only and closest ally. They see what's going on around here they just might be able to help set us free."

"And if this plan were to somehow go wrong per say, what then?" questioned Hoofington.

"Well then my friends, we have a war to win. In three months time, when the snow lifts we will start our own revolution." Stencil said smoothly and plainly. He turned to the door, grabbing his cape and other essential garments and made his way out into the freezing weather in the outside world.

Comments

[batran]

I am interested in this kind of story,

may I ask you a question? did you got this idea somewhat from mine?

(I created the First American Revolution type story)

[batran]

We shall name this new Republic.... Amareica!

[Muslipepito]

It's a good beginning for a story, but some passages are too "heavy", relieve your style in using a more diversified ponctuation.

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2600297
No I didn't, I honestly thought that this was one of a kind. Me and my partner in crime came up with this story.

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2600567
Alrighty then we will look into that .

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2600567
So you want more variety of words?

[Muslipepito]

Not inevitably, it's just your rhythmic which raise problem, for example the first part of the chapter is dedicaced to the description of the environment:

"They shivered in the cold and nibbled on small loafs of bread. They only took small bites to share what little they had with one another before they would die."
Here you have two declaratory sentences. It's heavy! Just couple them and avoid the repetition of the "they":

"They shivered in the cold and nibbled on small loafs of bread, only taking small bites to share what little they had with one another, before they would die."

The red comma is here for the dramatic effect.
A continuation of declaratory sentences is more fitted for speech (to convince) than for description. And if I have a last word to say, it would be that the first description is always the most important, because it help the reader to build a mental image of the place! Add a little more elements next time! :)

Voila, I hope I helped you!

(and I'm interested in drawing a cover)

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2600697
Yes that is very interesting I'll fix as soon as I can thanks for the help. Thanks for the offer of drawing a cover art piece for me I'd be more than happy to look at it.

[Kenpatchi_Ramusama]

2600901 I was just about to edit and find some errors, but it was too late. I just got home and charged my laptop.

[ChangelingNumber4]

Interesting plot. Let's see how it plays out/
Along with what happyowl said, the major focus of this would be to smooth out some of the writing in the story, simply to make it more slowing. Some parts of the story seem to be very stagnant, where repeated use of pronouns can bog you down. Mainly, however, I challenge you to show vs. tell, as seen here.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WMMs8H-GpFIXPsQeC0RNu8V-Cq6uyGl_UERpOUK_6KY/edit#heading=h.6qkzsww2jkrr
This is the single most important topic that most writers should work on, and once utilized, it makes the writing so much better. But like I said, it's not even close to a bad story. I'd say it's quite good.
Keep up the good work!

P.S. You misspelled "its" in the first few sentences. May want to fix that.

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2602317
If it's was misspelled that would be Google docs fault

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2601400
Sorry the other author got on so he checked it out

[Kenpatchi_Ramusama]

2606744 It's cool man. I understand, I'm trying to read it, but all these girls won't stop messaging me for like five seconds. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love the attention, It's just annoying sometimes.

[USMC517]

Man... thi- this... it's just awful.

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2606779
Aight fair enough

[ColoradoBlueJay]

2609250
What do you mean, you helped write it. >:(

[USMC517]

2609308 Trolol lololol loloo lololololololol