Creator of the Linkin Ponies. I make stories about them. I also really like Fallout: Equestria.
Different worlds have different societies , in this world, it is based on Numbers. Everypony has their own number. 5 is a powerful purple unicorn, who is the student of the Princess, 1. But 5 doesn't understand why all of these ponies don't have names. She is determined to find their real names of herself and friends, even if that means betraying 1.
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It's an interesting concept, but the plot seems rushed.
I would suggest that you get an editor, someone with a more comprehensive knowledge of the English language. The way you phrase your sentences is a very staccato method and, while it gets your thoughts across, it does little to broadcast the emotion behind the word. An editor would also help with a number of grammatical and spelling errors across the story.
Now on to more pressing matters...
Overall, the story itself was very immersive in that it established an atmosphere for the reader. The mystery of why numbers? Why would they still know of names? Who is 4? Among other mysteries...
What drags the story down is the rushed ending and the unanswered questions that are left to assumption at the end of the story. It prevents closure and catharsis for your readers.
These are my suggestions, but since I am but a fresh graduate, take these with a grain of salt
7527112 First of all, I would definily like to praise you with your constructive critisism. I rarely see people actually give thought into what and what does not work. There are to many people who hate on work with no support. So, thank you.
Second of all, I did write the story a while ago, and since then, my writing has approved( although I can always still improve.) And I do understand that this was a rushed story. When I wrote it, I was not experienced in stetching out a plot. I also am not very fond of canon characters, and so, do not have much intrest in writing them. I think I only do stories with them to intrest people. They may not automatically notice my original character stories, but if they can get a taste of my style, maybe they would try them.
To be honest, I didn't know there was such thing called "staccato" style. But it helps me understand what I can improve on. Mostly, I think I do that style when just trying to get to the point. Sometimes, even now, I will just continue on with writing, which may end up boring the reader. This is the opposite of what happened with this story.
Although this is a story I will probably not revisit, your critique is helpful.
7527935
You won't revisit this story and I do not blame you in the least. It's better to let a ship sink and build a new one than to waste wood trying to keep the ship afloat.
Also you are very welcome for my critique, I love seeing stories like these and I would hate for them to have been shut down simply because someone couldn't look past the literary short comings to see the true thought behind the word.
Your sentence structure, I guess is more akin to fragmented than staccato. Sorry I am not a native English speaker so these words are kinda hard once you get passed the obvious context clue ones.
Regarding your use of OC's and Cannot Characters. Honestly you can't be blamed, most authors have their own unique style when it comes to writing, and having to write about characters with already established personalities and, heck, even appearances can be very stifling for any author.
As for plot, it's ok to do stories that are simply just proofs of concept but keep in mind that most readers expect more the longer the story is so the balance of length to plot us crucial in maintaining reader interest and satisfaction :) my advise ? True writing a one shot or maybe even a simple one chapter story for your next deep thought. It'll bring in readers with its quick read value and it will hopefully garner attention due to the heat on the story because if discussions around it right?
I would love to talk more with you on other works, and hey maybe you can read my train wrecks of stores and see how bad I am at writing XD.
Best of wishes
- HH