4246333 In all fairness, there are a few differences in how TL and we work (we're a bit more relaxed, I think, besides having maybe slightly higher standards) but I do remember Winter regularly and diligently giving her opinions on pretty most of the stories submitted to TL as a contributor, as well as finishing off the reviews after stuff went haywire over there. I'd be surprised if she doesn't do a good job, and even when our current approvers are back in business, I say it can't hurt to have more approvers than we need.

*sigh* I am not going to make many friends with this one...

Reviewed: Twilight DONE!

Rejecting

Ok, first off, here's the basic story: Twilight is put in charge of Equestria for a week. The reason she's put in charge is because Celestia, Luna, and Cadence are all busy with something else at the time. From there, wackiness ensues with everything spiraling out of control. And that's pretty much it.

So, what's good here? Well, first off, the presentation was rather unique. We are told the entire story through letter format between various characters, which was admittedly a pretty interesting choice for storytelling (although it did make the story hard to follow at points). In addition, the story throws in fictional newspaper articles every now and again which not only broke up the monotony of the letters, but actually proved to be a pretty creative way to use pictures. Another thing worth mentioning is that the grammar is nearly flawless. Seriously, I didn't see a single grammatical flaw throughout the entire thing, which is (sadly) more note-worthy than it should be. And finally, the pacing fits the story it's trying to tell quite nicely. It's fast, but then again, this is the kind of story where that's acceptable, since it's going for a rapid-fire joke style, and it does get the pacing it's going for down quite well.

However, for as much as the story did well, it's not without problems. What's the biggest problem I had with it? Simple: I don't find this thing funny. In the slightest. No joke, I read through the entire thing twice and never even cracked a smile at it once. For me, this was boring at best, and hard to sit through at worst. I mean, I can see what it's going for, but its execution just fell flat. Why is this? Well, I'm not really great at analyzing humor (all I know is whether I found something funny or not), but if I were to guess, I think it's because there wasn't any string of logic connecting all of these random events; it's just a bunch of nonsensical letters until the end, with only the occasional newspaper article providing a breather from the chaotic nature of the story. It doesn't build up to anything, it doesn't go anywhere, and it doesn't have much grounding in reality; it's just pointless nonsense for the sake of pointless nonsense, and I really can't see the appeal behind it.

Now, if that were my only issue, I'd probably let this story in anyway. After all, humor is relative, and just because I found something funny doesn't mean others will too, and vice versa. However, that wasn't my only qualm with the story. My next problem was that this thing was a mess of contrivance. Her friends not being let in, the fact that Velvet sends her manuscript for her daughter to edit, the fact that Velvet finishes another 300 or so pages right as Twilight finishes editing the first 600 sent, and so on; all of it feels incredibly unnatural, only being there to make a joke. That might be another reason why I didn't find this funny: the story felt forced, all in order to make things as random as possible. I prefer comedy to flow naturally; if it doesn't, it just feels jarring, and this story was very jarring indeed.

Another problem I had with it was that, when you get down to it, there's nothing really happening in this story. I mean, sure, things happen, but when you get down to it, what really happened in the grand scheme of things? What was the point of any of this? Answer: nothing. I mean, there's no lessons learned, no points made, no real conflicts resolved, and really no reason for any of this happening at all. What are you trying to tell me, story? That Twilight can't lead? That everypony in Canterlot is over excitable? That Celestia and the other alicorns are responsibility ducking jerks who act like toddlers? That Twilight's mom is a bh? Who knows? If a story isn't even sure of what it wants to say, then it needs other elements to help pull the slack (in this case, the comedy). However, since the comedy doesn't do its job, I'm left with a story that has nothing to say, but is saying stuff anyway, which I found to be incredibly irritating.

And finally, I really disliked the characters as a whole. Yes, I understand that this is an alternate universe, but I don't think that's an excuse to pervert the characters, as displayed perfectly by every alicorn (except for Twilight, who was just... there.) I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to find the reasoning behind why Celestia, Luna, and Cadence abandon Twilight funny, but all it does is make me facepalm. Seriously, their reasoning is immature, unnecessary, and completely OOC. If the reasoning was funny, then I would've let it slide, but it isn't. As such, it comes off as not only contrived, but hard to sit through. Even taking them out of the equation, not a single character in this left any sort of positive impact. The best character was Twilight's dad, but even he's pretty basic, being little more than the guy who remains calm during chaotic events. It's been done before, and this interpretation didn't do it very well, as he mostly just ran through the motions, rather than add anything new. Now, I will say that, of all the characters in this, he seemed to be the most likeable of the bunch, as his letters actually did portray him as a loving father, which was nice. Unfortunately, he also came across as a punching bag, basically allowing Velvet to do whatever she wanted to Twilight, which really rubbed me the wrong way.

So, in conclusion, the best analogy I can come up with is that this story is like a machine gun: it's built specifically to fire jokes rapidly, and it does that quite well. However, instead of bullets, the gun is loaded with M&M's; there's nowhere near enough impact, and it's possible that the M&M's will break the gun they're being fired from. That's basically this story. While it had some potential, it came across as pointless nonsense for the sake of pointless nonsense, and I just don't find that funny. Instead, I found poorly done characters, an extraneous amount of contrivance, and a lack of a point to anything in this story.

4246349 Oh yes, you are exactly right. Extra reviewers means you get more detailed reviews with broader opinions and a deeper pool of view points. Plus as things go on, you end up processing reviews faster, and end up catching up sooner. Plus, you end up with the spare reviewers invading your thread and helping with the backlog of requests :P

4246537 Reviewing comedy is one of the harder things to review, I'm afraid, because there's such a wild range of things people find amusing. There are a few things that help with understanding how comedy works, but it's pretty vague at best. Not many comedies I've reviewed have turned out well.

For what it's worth, it sounds like you've done a good job.

4246548 Pretty much. I'd rather tackle the world with a minigun than a scalpel, after all.

Shut up. The analogy made sense in my head.

4246556 as a fan of fallout 1/2 and NV, I get it. I'd rather use a plasma minigun but whatever!

4246556 Yeah, I'm probably gonna try to keep away from comedies in the future (I'm also probably going to fail miserably at it.) Cheers
4246163 Ah, Winter Solstice. My old enemy. The rejection in my inbox...

Nah, just kidding. Honestly, Winter is a good choice for a reviewer, considering how she's proven back in the TL days to be quite good at it, both from a speed and quality standpoint. And hey, the more the merrier, amirite? Cheers

Reviewed: A Walk Down the Hall

Rejecting by the skin of its teeth

Okay, let me make a couple of things perfectly clear: no, this is not a bad story. Not even close. And no, the fact that I’m rejecting it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it stars Flash Sentry. The reason I’m rejecting it is because, while it’s not bad, it also doesn’t do anything to boost it into good territory.

So, what’s the story this time? Well, pretty much what it says on the tin, to be honest; Twilight and Flash take a walk down a hall together. They have a bit of small talk, and then go their separate ways. It’s basically just two strangers walking together. Not exactly the most thrilling of ideas, but hey, not every story needs to be something huge. Sometimes, all you really need are good characters interacting to sell a story.

When I read through this, I was frequently reminded of ‘Where Fillies Fear to Tread’, mainly because that story and this one share several strengths and weaknesses: Once again, there are two decent characters with good chemistry doing something relatively simple together, only to be interrupted every now and again by unusually distracting sentence structure:

Such was the case with the young lady that now walked those very hallways. Twilight Sparkle, the personal protégé of their country's leader, Princess Celestia.

However, today though,

his face starting to lose a lot of the nervousness

Unfortunately, unlike WFFtT (which had the creativity of childhood imagination on its side), this one didn’t really have much of anything to boost it into good territory. I mean, it doesn’t do anything outwardly wrong, but it also doesn’t really have anything to make it stand out either. The characters, while decently portrayed, don’t really get enough time to develop anything more than the start of a crush, and neither really makes themselves stand out as particularly memorable. It’s kind of like if you see a young couple holding hands as they walk down a hall. Sure, it’s kinda sweet, but there’s nothing particularly memorable about it. And that’s really the big thing that bogs this story down: there’s nothing to make it stand out. It’s a harmless story about two characters walking down a hall. That’s it.

At the end of the day, the best way I can describe this story is harmless: it's a harmless piece of fluff with very little to reasonably dislike. The problem is that it doesn’t have anything about it that makes it stand out either, resulting in a surprisingly forgettable story. Because of that, I’m rejecting it, although just barely. If there was a little more to it, I probably would’ve let it in, but as it is… it’s not quite there yet.

Okay, Featured Story, let's see what ya got. Hit me with your best shot!
Reviewing: I'll Kill You With My Tea Cup

4246586 Yeah, that happens. There are a lot of decent stories that just don't manage to get enough impact: I've reviewed more than my fair share. Sometimes they don't get enough build-up or they aren't presented properly, and sometimes they just don't really work well on their own.

Still, you're right in that we are aiming just above that level. Although it doesn't sound that far off, a story should make itself at least a little memorable. Heavens knows I've written my fair share of forgettable stories: I can recognize them when I see them.

Reviewed: The Truth About Myths and Legends

By: The Ponytrician

Verdict: Accepting with flying colors!

Now I see why this story made into the feature box! Expertly written, very entertaining, excellently paced, and just all around...awesome!

Alright, enough fanboying around. Here we have the problem affecting children, ponies and humans everywhere: how to catch the Tooth Flutterpony. Here we have an insight into a part of Twilight's childhood in the School for Gifted Unicorns. One night, Celestia is prowling the grounds when she hears a sobbing Twilight, so she goes to investigate. Here is where the story hits it's most intriguing for me at least. WE all know that Twilight is a genius child, but I did not expect her to make a full on scientific journal about her findings.

“Experiment One: Tooth #2. Upper Left Second Premolar (ref. Appendix A1, Diag. 1: Equine Dental Structure).
Test Subject Alpha (Twilight Sparkle, hereafter referred to as TS) has noticed an increased loosening of the mentioned tooth, with detachment from gumline imminent. In preparation for the attempt at sighting the Primary Observational Target (hereafter referred to as the Tooth Flutterpony, or TF), TS has been attempting to remain awake all night, with 0% success rate. TS recalls that TS’s mother often partakes of the beverage known as coffee when intending to remain up late at night working, and so will also partake of this beverage in order to extend wakefulness. TS has calculated that one cup for each hour is required (ref. Appendix B1 - Calculations).
Initial observations show that coffee is totally gross, and copious amounts of sugar are required to consume all ten cups. In order to counter the aftertaste, TS has also consumed a six-can pack of 'Honey Dew' caffeinated beverage left in the back of the refrigerator by TS’s elder brother and his friends after their last game of 'Ogres & Oubliettes'. No observable effects at this time, other than an increased need to make use of the little fillies' room.”

This is where only the most well grounded readers dare to tread. Also I love how professional the prose is, yet it has childlike elements mixed in as well. Like where she talks about how nasty coffee is and how only copious amounts of sugar will make it taste better. Honestly here I did feel like I was reading a profound research journal with a nice sprinkle of child's play. The reason why I pointed out Copious was because, this story is peppered with these very vivid professional words. I read, dictionaries, if you can throw me for a loop with a word like vehemently then you most definitely deserve a place in The Goodfic Bin.

Now that I mentioned the use of those 'wow' words, as I call them, we move on to grammar. Absolutely perfect in every way, I amy have to read again to try and point out any typos or misplaced words. Well hell that was short ... On to the feel.

The way that I felt while reading this was...I want to say wildly entertained, but that would be sugarcoating it so instead I'll say that I was greatly entertained. The descriptive sentences literally had me begging for more. like how he/she mixed in those 'wow' words with a copious amount of descriptive language (see what I did there?). Like the first two paragraphs.

A school is very much a place of distinct contrasts I muse to myself as I tread slowly and quietly along the darkened halls of my School for Gifted Unicorns, the gentle golden glow of my horn-light the only real source of illumination to guide my steps.

During the bright of the day, as the corridors and classrooms hum with the sounds of education being delivered and received, the focus is very much towards the future. Upcoming tests, all-too-rapidly approaching due dates on assignments, even the simple longing for the seemingly distant weekend, or, in some cases, that all-too-distant closing bell. In the blinding glare of the future the past is reduced to merely an afterthought: previous lessons recalled, only to be applied to the problems of the present moment; or the results of past exams reflected on, maybe with regret, maybe with pride, and then discarded, all but forgotten.

This is where most stories fail. The opening sentence is supposed to set the scene for the whole story. Here I find an enticing opener, followed by a meaty description, turning into an excellent transition.

Not much to say other than this is a highly recommended story for new and experienced writers to learn from. My advise, keep up the good work. I swear to god if you stop writing I will spam your mailbox...more or less

Thank you for your time

~Motm

4248691 Add it to the folder! (If you haven't already)

4248739
Which one

4248756 ... all the ones that are relevant, I guess. Including High Quality Fiction, if you feel that strongly about it.

Don't forget to remove it from submissions, too.

4248691
Thank you most kindly for the glowing review; along with the prestige of being the second entry into the High Quality folder, too! I'm most honoured.

I swear to god if you stop writing I will spam your mailbox...more or less

I do have a handful of other short stories already written, along with some other works in progress that will hopefully one day see the light of day.

Respectfully as always,
The Ponytrician.

4249404
You are most welcome, and I will check out your other stories

First of all I'd like to say thank you again for the invitation, and the opportunity to actually review stories again. I'm still very much a part of Twilight's Library, but with people like Sir Truffles and Mayhem gone, there's not much left to do there. So again, I appreciate this chance. Let's begin!

Reviewing: A Bump in the Road

Status: Approved

This is one of those delightful Slice-Of-Life stories that admittedly do not have much substance, but are still fun to read.

Here we find Trixie after the events of Magic Duel, between jobs as it were, and simply having no plan other than to stay clear of Ponyville. The only luck she has is bad, and her situation worsens when she damages her housecart. Unable to fix it herself, she then meets another now popular character, whom you'll know just from the story tags. The events that follow are quite predictable.

It is always good to read a story where the players are all in character. This is a well written fluff piece that delivers just what it promises, with exceptional editing throughout. Even though I have not included this tale in my Favorites list ( my standards are pretty high ) I'd still recommend this one to anyone looking for their "Trixie fix."

Okay, I promised to do a big post with stories from the EFNW contest. Bear in mind, I've only read thirteen of the entries, so I won't be able to be as comprehensive as I'd have liked.

Just to clarify, all the stories I've actually read from the contest are here. I'm only doing this for stories that I think meet my conditions for getting into the bin.

Fluttershy's Sick Day

This is a story about the most diabolical villain in the show finally making friends. Oh, and Discord is in there too. Angel Bunny and Discord team up to help get Fluttershy better, and whilst I am not a fan of 'character gets sick' stories, the focus is entirely on the other two characters. It's entertaining, fun, and quite reminiscent of the show itself, which I always love. There's a time for awesome backstories and high-flying adventure, and then there's a time to stay true to the Slice of Life feel of the original episodes. MLP can accomodate both, and I love seeing this aspect in particular get tackled.

Boulders

Eesh. Well, if there's one thing in this contest that scared my socks off, it was this one. The writing is very nice (so nice a lot of the tricks in there went completely over my head) and Maud is presented in a way that's genuinely interesting and fun to read, which other stories in here failed to do. For all her popularity and how fun she is visually, Maud is often a very dull character to read, in my experience. Not so here, and whilst I think it maybe dragged on about rocks too much (as is to be expected in a story about Maud) it is a very nice story, and well deserving of getting in.

A Little Filly's Day Off

I found this story to be rather underappreciated, and I'm not entirely sure why. It presented a very nice look at young Twilight trying to make friends. I have to admit, I remember the writing to be a bit lacking at times, with some odd pacing in there too (especially when she scares away the other fillies) but besides presenting a nice headcannon and showing us some very adorable young Twilight, it was also a nice heartwarming story. I'd definitely give it a read.

The Untimely Revenge of King Hoofenkhamun

A very entertaining story about Spitfire and Daring Do, it not only provides a fun adventure in a contest mostly filled with Slice of Life stories, but it also provided an entertaining headcannon about Daring Do and her past. Whilst I think the pacing went fast at times and it does detract from the story, and really could stand to be around 5K words, not 3K, I think the fun from both the adventure and the headcannon shown really makes up for it.

A Dog's Best Friend

This was a singularly nice story giving an origin story for Winoa. What I liked best about this story was, interestingly, not the dog at all, but how the Apple Family worked. It felt incredibly natural, and I really enjoyed seeing Granny Smith interract with a younger Applejack, Applejack interract with Applebloom, Big Mac... it was all nice. Writing was good, too, and moved quite well between past and present without it being jarring.

I also added two honourable mentions which can be found in the blog post here, but since they won't be added to the bin (by me, at least) I'm not including them here.

Reviewed: I'll Kill You With My Tea Cup

Rejecting

Author's Note:
A prereader thought this story was quite... riddickulous.

I have absolutely no idea what that’s referencing, but that prereader is right; this was completely ridiculous.

In all fairness, this one is a tough one to judge. On the one hand, part of me is saying “Holy st, that was awesome!" On the other hand, part of me is also saying that this is a really rushed version of an already paper-thin plot that isn’t even developed enough to be considered a complete skeleton of a story. So, yeah, my opinions on this one go from one end of the spectrum to the other and back again. Because of that, I really had a tough time deciding what to do with this one for a while.

Here’s the story: the griffons have attacked Equestria because why the heck not (Motivation? What’s that?), and have pretty much steamrolled everything in their path. Celestia surrenders to them and is taken to the griffon palace. From there, Celestia becomes a complete badass and whoops the entirety of the Griffon Empire into submission, all without using magic or flight. (Celestia is OP! Pls nerf.)

So, what did this do well? Well, the biggest thing I liked is how epic the story was at times, namely with the fight scene. Even though its fighting is short, the fight scene we do get was really well described, and was quite entertaining to read. In addition, the character of Celestia is (mostly) portrayed really well. Despite the fact that her sudden god-like fighting skill comes out of nowhere, her character is mostly recognizable as the same character from the show, which made for an amusing contrast between personality and situation.

However, even with that good stuff, there are a couple problems. First off, the pacing is way too fast. Way too freaking fast. The beginning and ending zoom by at Mach 5 speed (the beginning is less than two hundred words long, and the ending is even shorter!), and even the middle goes by really quickly, making for a story that didn’t feel finished. I think this could’ve benefitted from slowing down a bit, and fleshing things out a bit more, instead of basically saying, “Things happen, let’s get to the middle already!”

In addition, the ending felt… weird:

Slowly, one by one, the griffons bowed to the alicorn princess, until there wasn't a single griffon in the entire city standing upright. Celestia stood tall, her once graceful form now an intimidating visage.

A ghost of a smile crept along her lips.

"You keep what you kill."

Maybe that’s a reference to something else, but I don’t know, that moment felt pretty OOC for Celestia, it felt like it came out of nowhere, and it left a pretty sour taste in my mouth.

However, the biggest issue I had with it was that when you get down to it, the story barely has anything happening in it. Here’s essentially the entire story: Celestia gets captured, Celestia becomes a badass out of nowhere, a couple of griffons die, the end. Sure, it has a couple of cool bits within it, but it ultimately lacks anything of substance. This could’ve been a lot more if the story would sit down and stop rushing around everywhere, but instead, it ends up being an insanely fast bit of nothing, which is kind of unfortunate, considering how this story could've gone in a lot of different directions.

In the end, I’ve decided to reject this story, which is a shame since it did have some genuinely entertaining moments within it, and as I said, part of me really likes this story. However, a bigger part of me thinks that this was a big piece of nothing that seemed to be spending all of its time referencing something I’d never heard of before. Maybe if I knew the reference it was using, I might find this more entertaining, but as it is, it’s not fleshed out enough for me to recommend. It's all flash, no substance, and I don't think that's what we're looking for in this group.

Okay, now that I've pissed off up to 1500 people, let's tackle a short story that virtually no one has heard of, shall we?
Reviewing: Crystal Math

4250631 Hey, I thought the ending was weird, too.

4250231 I hoped you'd enjoy it. Glad to have you on board.

4250631 Sounds like a fun story, at least. With a premise like that, I would have expected it to be absolute madness. Nice to see it was enjoyable.

4250631 That story is apparently a ponified version of a scene from The Chronicles of Riddick, thus "riddickulous." The ending line that is confusing is probably part of the film, as well, but since I haven't seen it, I can't be sure.

4250672 May our shared inability to not recognize a reference be rewarded! In all seriousness, it's nice to see that I wasn't the only one who didn't get the ending.

4251016 It was a pretty fun story... when it got to the fun parts. Everything else, however, was just... there. Far from horrible, but nothing that pushes it into decent territory either. In the words of Ben Yahtzee:

It's like jerking off on a roller coaster; a lot of anticipation, followed by a very brief high and a long cool down shortly then after.

That basically describes the story to a T. I'd say the high is still worth at least one read, though.

4251050 I figured as much. However, that's entirely the problem: a reference should be transparent; a nice little wink if you know the reference, but not distracting to those that don't (like the Fluttershy as a tree gag in Hurricane Fluttershy, for example; if you don't know the reference, it's still a fun sight gag). What it shouldn't do is make characters act OOC because of it, as this one did. Oh well. Cheers

Reviewed: Crystal Math

Rejecting

I… I don’t even… what? I honestly don’t know what to make of this fic, other than the fact that it’s… flat out weird. Just… huh?

Ok, enough of my confusion, what’s the story? Well, from what I can gather, it’s a story about Equestria going down to the deadly drug that is advanced mathematics (Yes, math is an addictive drug now. Because parody). Twilight has assigned a guard captain named Silver Shackle to hunt down the cartel creating this ‘Crystal Math’, and then the chapter ends. Basically, it’s supposed to be a parody of addictive drug stories.

What did it get right? Well, first off, the idea, while feeling like something an eight year old would come up with to avoid doing his math homework, is an amusing concept. The idea of replacing meth with something as mundane as math, I will admit, is a cute idea. In addition, the vocabulary is very well done, managing to use a wide variety of words in its descriptions, which helped to keep things from growing stale, which was nice (at points). Unfortunately, that was just about all that this story did particularly well, as the negatives heavily outweighed the positives.

So, what was wrong with this? Well, for starters, so far this story has no clue what tone it wants to have. The beginning feels very serious, as the royal guard searches around a professor’s room for this ‘crystal math’ in a very realistic style, but then it cuts to dialogue between the four princesses that plays it far more tongue in cheek. The story constantly switched between serious parody and light hearted parody, without ever choosing what tone to go with. Seriously, either be a serious drug drama parody, or be a light hearted comedic parody! I don’t care which, but please just pick a tone and stick with it, as switching between both like that only serves to make the reader confused as to what they should be feeling, and makes your story look sloppy.

Another issue was that how this drug thing works is never explained. I don’t know about you, but I cannot see how math could possibly be considered addictive to the general population in the slightest, and even in this story, it’s not explained how it becomes so addictive. Maybe if it were a more enjoyable activity that gave the high, then this would make more sense (and as such, it wouldn’t need explaining), but as it is, it’s just confusing as to how this stuff works, considering I cannot see most people thinking, “I’m bored, let’s go do some math!”

Also worth mentioning is the characters, or at least the ones we actually know, act incredibly OOC. I’m serious, from the very first sentence that they’re introduced, every single character from the show is shown to be portrayed OOC:

In the richly decorated throne room of Canterlot Castle three princesses cowered internally as Twilight Sparkle went on another rampage.

Wow, one sentence in and canon portrayals have already been thrown out the window. That has to be some kind of record. Also, at one point Twilight actively says that it’s better that kids die than live in a world where this ‘crystal math’ is a thing:

“None of that is important! It's better the foals die young than grow up in a world of half-mad addicts

That’s always a nice addition to a character, isn’t it?

Finally, there’s the vocabulary. Yes, I know I said that was a positive (and it was at times), but there were times when it got so muddled with large words that I had to go look them up to understand what was being said:

if I recall, you were having a brief, erm, luna sojourn then, were you not?

“No, no, the summer of 79AD!” Luna vociferated jovially

Silver Shackle saluted smartly. (How the heck do you salute smartly?)

The vocabulary, while well varied, ultimately proved to be more distracting than anything else. It felt like the author was busy spouting out larger words every second he/she could to try to sound smart, as opposed to it actually benefiting the story. Sure, using the same words (like said, for example) over and over again can get stale, but this felt like it was overcompensating in the other direction, making reading this story more distracting than it should have been. How can I consider a story investing if I have to stop reading it every few hundred words because the story said something that confused me again?

Overall, this story feels like an incomplete mess, complete with poor characterization, confusing word choices, a poorly executed idea, average grammar, and no idea on whether it wants to be funny or serious. All of that combined makes for a story that doesn't really have much going for it. Can it be fixed? Sure. In order to do so, however, the writer will need to put the vocabulary on a leash (use larger words in moderation), explain how this math actually addicts better, fix the grammatical errors, and most importantly, decide on what sort of parody this is. If the writer does those things later on, then I’d be willing to give this story another look, but in its current state, Crystal Math is too sloppy for me to admit into this group.

*Notices Calvin and Hobbes/MLP crossover in folder*

MINE!!!
Reviewing: The Revenge of the Foal-sat

Reading: Princess Celestia Gets Mugged

Reviewing: Princess Celestia Gets Mugged

Read: All

Status: Approved

This is a Comedy that made me smile more than lol, but there were plenty of those!

The plot starts out simply: Princess Celestia, bored with the petty squabbles of the noble ponies that infest her Solar Court, takes it upon herself to have a day off. Now as it can be imagined, this would be no easy task, as she's literally the most recognizable being in Equestria. So she disguises herself and sneaks out. The author did a very good job of describing this situation, with attention to details that did not seem at all forced or out of character. I especially loved Princess Luna's portrayal, as the author has her using archaic language that again, does not seem out of place.

This tale hits its stride when Celestia is set upon by several "kidnappers." I used air quotes because that's where the actual comedy begins. There was never a more inept bunch of would-be criminals that I've read in recent memory, and one quickly develops empathy for them.

That is the heart of this story: all the characters are fleshed out and believable, regardless of ( or because of ) their actions. I wouldn't mind reading a sequel to this tale, for the OCs are all very likable, and I'd like to know how each turned out.

Structure-wise there are few or no grammatical mistakes, with the exception of one or two misspelled words, but they do not break immersion, even though I'm something of a grammar Nazi. I did take issue with the author actually losing track of how many kidnappers he was writing about, and offered a somewhat lame excuse in the author's notes when it was pointed out. Other than that glaring mistake, I did enjoy this tale and approve it for this Group.

4250631 I read this one, and enjoyed it. (Badass Celestia. What's not to love?) I agree with your decision though. Celestia certainly was OP, and OOC at times.

Reviewing: The New Crop

Read: All

Status: Approved

This is a story I actually read some time ago, and am glad to see it presented here.

The innocuous title gives nothing away, and does nothing to prepare oneself for the darkness within.

Here we have an alternate universe where the Apple family are on the brink of total destitution. There are no Elements of Harmony. Friendship is something with which they cannot afford to spend time. Applejack has died, they barely have enough to eat, and the creditors are pounding at the door. There remains only one avenue they can take, something that at first glance seems silly and out of place for four-footed creatures: boxing.

Even if the author is not a boxer, he shows an impressive amount of knowledge of the sport. But this is no light bout he describes. From the beginning of the story, the author weaves in pathos, desperation, and tragedy, with the barest glimmer of hope. Once the actual fight commences, one can feel every punch, every ounce of pain, both mental and physical. And it seems like it goes on forever.

Kudos to the author for his attention to details, even those that were both ugly and brutal. This is no fairy tale, where there is a clear victor and there's no pity to spare for the loser. Quite the opposite.

This is a fine addition to this Group.

4253521 and here the title just made me assume it was a children of the corn thing. Touchet! A little dark goes a long way!

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Some of literature's best stories are like that. Jonathon Swift, the author of Gulliver's Travels, wrote a story called A Modest Proposal. The title gives nothing away, and one never sees it coming.

4253637 Aye. Where as other great concepts, like throw moma from the train give to you plain as day. Now that was a fun remake of Vice Versa.

4246163
Lol. I'm not a "she." I've been looking over my past reviews, trying to see what gave that impression, and I'm at a loss. No matter!

4253929 *shrugs* Some people just give / get those kind of impressions? Sorry, bored at work, and nit in the mood to write.

4253929 I dunno'. The name just kinda gave that impression. Maybe I associate 'Winter' with a girls name.

If it helps, it's happened to me, to.

4251235 Well that's a bummer, I quite enjoyed that one.

Reviewed: Precious Soul of Mine

By: nioniosbbb

Verdict: Rejecting

This was a nice look into how Chrysalis and Cadence are connected, but that couldn't save it from being rejected.

The plot is "A Canterlot Wedding", but with a twist. Instead of Chrysalis coming to conquer the city itself she has come to reclaim Cadence.

Now, the reasons why I failed this are as follow: I don't try to hassle an author about the tags on a story, but this one is all wrong. We have a dark, Alt. Universe tag set on it yet there was nothing dark in this at all, to tell you the truth. I would get rid of the dark tag and put 'Slice of Life' and 'Romance' instead.
The descriptive sentences, here is where we st the scene, pull in our readers and have everyone begging fore more. That was not the case here. Every descriptive sentecne started out superbly, but then at the end there was a word or phrase that just...killed the mood. I don't mind adding on a little more, but if you do make sure to find the right words.
The senteces in general were clunky, and in some spots, just poorly planned, and there were some fragments and tangesnts that could've been left out. Like in the second paragraph...

With eyes blank and shadows upon their faces, the changelings escorted the encircled Elements back to the palace. The Queen’s control over them was absolute. As they did Chrysalis heard the struggle of Cadence reach her ears. She turned with a frown of disappointment.

The second sentence is unneccesary as is the final, now with the final he/she could've combined that with the secntecne prior to get something like this...

As they did Chrysalis frowned upon a struggling Cadence.

The dialogue was stiff, awkward, and I saw some major OOC moments. They all felt like grade schoolers mulling their way through a play, and Twilight along with Chrysalis were the loud leads. Chrysalis is your typical antagonist: sly, cunning, bit of a smart ass, but I have never known her to be just downright obnoxious...

"Twilight Sparkle... what do you know of the Flutterponies?" Chrysalis asked, a seemingly irrelevant question to Twilight which didn't register at first as she continued to fight the hold of Chrysalis' spell.

"Come on... what? The Flutter Ponies? What does this have to do with anything?"

Why is Chrysalis talking to Twilight as if she knows, and to contradict that statement, why wouldnt Twilight know? If I'm correct she spent her chilihood up through her teen years reading ever book in Equestria, and Twilight's line, really? That doesn't sound like her at all not even when she's angry or has gone batshit crazy. And also, Shining armor may not be the strongest male role model in the show (way to screw your fairer sex over Faust), but he isn't the type to sit back and do nothing, unless he's been taken out of the equation by some cosmic force (once again, thank you faust). Like here...

"Please Cadence! Don't do it! I can't bear to lose you!"

I'm pretty sure that captian of the royal guard would try somethin to stop Chrysalis other than telling Cadence no, the stallion tried to stop every major villan to the best of his ability since his arrival on the show, which brings me to another point here...

“It’s you… by the maker it’s you. Oh Cadence I thought I lost you…” he said resting his head upon her shoulder while Amora leaned on him, caressing his back.

“I was never gone Shining, and thank you…”

“Thank you? For what?” he inquired as he wiped his own tears and pulled his head back, but still held her into a hug

As sweet as this is I can't help bt feel as if there were some role reversal that happened, or maybe i'm just slow, I don't know.

All in all, beautiful story with a nice plot and development, but they just missed the mark. If I were to offer any advise, work on arranging your sentences, put more feeling into the characters as they speak, and watch the show some to get a better understanding of the characters themselves (watch "A Canterlot Wedding" to help you out with this one )

Thank you for your time...

~Motm

P.S. Hey cool we got two new guys on the review team, what's up

P.S. Hey cool we got two new guys on the review team, what's up

Glad to be here and doing what I love to do best, thanks for asking!

Started reading: Feeding Problems

I've seen things already that don't give me high hopes for this one, but I'll muscle through a few chapters. If it turns out it's foalcon I'll reject it outright.

4255896 Yeah, whilst we do accept mature stories and stories with clop (so long as it is more than just gore and porn), squicky stuff like that had better be real tactful. I'm sure your judgement (and everyone elses for that matter) will suffice.

If you have specific questions, your probably best asking those to BikerPon3, not me.

4255896
4255923

If it turns out it's foalcon I'll reject it outright.

This kind of thing is down to approver discretion. The only thing I outright don't allow here are rapefics for the purpose of sexual gratification.

4255896 I recommended this. It's not foalcon, I'm not sure what gave you the impression that it was.

4256649
I wasn't definitive, I was speculating due to the Sex tag, although there is this one inappropriate scene so far:

“Could you lift your tail, Scootaloo?” she asked politely. For some reason the comment made Rainbow Dash’s whole face blush, which Scootaloo didn’t understand at all. Rainbow Dash wasn’t the one getting examined here!

“Sure, no problem,” Scootaloo said bravely, eyeing Dash uncertainly and hiking her tail up in the air, then presenting her rear.

Twilight looked under Scootaloo’s tail, but didn’t seem satisfied, so she poked Scootaloo’s butt with a hoof, making Scootaloo giggle.

Twilight’s magic lightly lifted Scootaloo’s entire rump into the air, spreading her buttcheeks wide as Twilight poked and prodded in there.

“That’s very inappropriate, Twilight!” Rainbow Dash said loudly and angrily, stepping forward.

Twilight is extremely OOC here. She's neither a doctor nor the foal's parent, so that is something she just wouldn't do.

My review will be posted soon, where I'll go into more detail about this story.

Reviewing: Feeding Problems

Read: Three chapters

Status: Rejected

From the very first paragraph this story is laden with problems:

Adopting Scootaloo wasn’t going to be as easy as it looked. Rainbow Dash’s first thought had been to try the orphanage. I mean, duh. That’s where Scootaloo kept all her stuff! Of course she’d be an orphan! That’s the first place you’d try right? Just because she never actually said that she was one didn’t mean anything, right? She just didn’t think to mention it!

Is this the narrator making the observations, or is it RD? This happens a lot: the voice of the story changes and with it so does the perspective, usually mid-paragraph, as it does in the above example.

The author also introduces odd concepts, such as this one:

The mare looked at her somberly, then said, “How old are you?”

“I’m 110,” Dash said, “I mean‒ 103, but I’m supposed to say 110. Because you know, uh, yeah.”

It's unlikely that Rainbow Dash is that old, and there is no explanation why 110 is preferable to 103.

It goes on:

“Miss, please,” the mare urged, attracting her attention. “Ask your... friend to research the Happy Valley Orphanage. It was disestablished in QDC AD, and set a precedent for much of current case law. After that, you may return, and fill out these forms.”

“They didn’t, Rainbow,” Twilight explained, rolling over onto her side. “They lost all their power, QFWJ years ago. They don’t even exist anymore.”

What in the world are those dates? It's not clear.

Those are just a very few of the many problems with this tale. The only pony that was in-character was Pinkie. Rainbow Dash is impetuous, but she's not insecure about her own intelligence, as she's portrayed here. And I can't ever imagine Twilight acting like this:

Twilight actually looked at Scootaloo suspiciously before saying, “Hold that thought,” and running to the kitchen closet. She came back almost immediately with a bright red apple following behind in her magic.

“Eat it,” she commanded, pushing it into Scootaloo’s hooves.

Scootaloo balked, looking at the apple unhappily, “I don’t really want I mean I shouldn’t I don’t want to–”

“Eat it or I will remove your disguise myself!” Twilight snapped angrily, “And I will make it as painful as possible,” she seethed.

Besides the character problems there's issues with the paragraph breaks, as one will be speaking and the very next sentence will be another scene entirely. That's not constant, but it does happen many times.

So what's to be done? There's nothing wrong with the concept, as the story does improve somewhat after the first chapter. I would say find a good editor and proofreader, work on sentence structure and rewrite the main characters so that they are all IN character.

4256912 wow I guess twilights library must be baren I have never even seen Hap review this much in one day

4257042
It is, actually. It makes me sad, but life goes on.

Reading: Arachnophobia

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BTW, what did you think of my Review

4257093
Which one?

4257098 Precious soul of mine