The Chrysalis Arc · 9:00pm Nov 1st, 2019
Frankly...
and everyone tells me this...
It sucks.
A lot.
Not the beginning. The beginning is good. Chrysalis kidnaps his family for revenge and all that. Makes sense for the story and her character. Him going into a rage to protect them because no, he's never really worked through the trauma of losing his entire family on Earth, then his Equestrian family is in mortal danger... that part is fine.
It's everything after him killing her. Her kidnapping him and torturing him for a year. That was the really, really dumb part. I regret it. I regret it a ton. He can still have a missing finger. The fight is a little closer and she gets the upper hoof on him for a sec and bites his finger off, but that just makes him angry and he beats Chrysalis into a pulp, but doesn't kill her. Celestia still gets mad when she sees Chrysalis as a pile of hamburger on the floor, but instead of the stupid leaps of logic that make the kidnapping chapters, the next few are about TD, Cheerilee, and Comet working through what happened, especially the idea that TD could go so far for them. His human predator instincts to protect his loved ones freak them out a bit.
I dunno. Is it too late to change it? I know that I lost a lot of readers with those stupid chapters. Again, the bit with Chrysalis taking his family in the first place and him fighting her? Totally okay with that. Him killing her and everything that happened after?
It sucks. I want to change it, but I don't know if I can.
What do you guys think?
I say change it. It adds to the whole other worldness that is TD. I don't think it gets covered often enough in stories like this that humans are an alpha predator and we must know when to show restraint. It would help Comet and Cheerilee have a better understanding of him.
In my opinion, when it comes to revisions it's entirely up to the author. That's one of the nice things about this format you know, that the author can make those revisions. Another story I'm reading has had something like three major changes made to it, and every time it's been an improvement.
Honestly, I didn't much like that arc myself, it's a huge swing out of nowhere that doesn't really add anything to the story but lots of angst. An artifact of a much less experienced writer? you don't need huge sea-changes in a character's life to effect change after all, the slow and gradual stuff can be just as compelling.
The editor in me says change it, and the archivist in me says keep the original, aborted chapter linked in-line. I'm all in favor of George Lucas-ing if you're fixing something that really doesn't work, but leave the original work present for purists.
I would change it if you are not happy with the direction you took things in the beginning. It may open a new path for the story!
Do what you feel is right.
5149252
Probably the best solution, to be honest.
Go for a Royal Wedding plot twist, maybe? (I.e. an imposter has been taking her place for years) Or the Inherited method of changeling queen replication where when a queen dies, her essence flows to another changeling, thus making her relatively immortal. (In which case it may be the only way a queen can set herself free of a mortally diseased body, such as one with a brain tumor that has been changing her behavior slowly over a number of years etc...)
Hm... The second could be a hoot to write, particularly with Alicorn Twilight.
"Twilight Sparkle." The tall form of the changeling queen was unmistakable as she stepped out from behind a corner in the relatively unpopulated alley. "There is something--"
"Aaahh!" screeched Twilight. "Chrysalis!!" One fierce blast of purple magic later, all that was left were a few glowing sparks drifting to the ground, and a panicked alicorn who was still panting frantically.
"That was rude," said Chrysalis as she stepped around a different corner of the alley. "I just wanted--"
If anything, Twilight's scream of terror was louder this time, and the crater she blew in the stone wall blasted droplets of molten lava all across the alley. "Changeling! I mean Chrysalis! Because there are good changelings now and I just vaporized two of them and they can't both be her so I must have--"
"Relax, Twilight Sparkle," said Chrysalis as she rose up from behind a trash dumpster. "My newborn forms do not have nearly the--"
A wash of violet-tinged fire swept down the alley, leaving all the edges of stone or concrete glowing deep red, and a whirl of dark ashes ascend into the sky. A second, then a third wave of fire followed, leaving Princess Twilight Sparkle gasping huge lungfulls of heated air as the crackle of burning buildings and drip of molten stone were the only thing to be heard.
I vote for changing it. I find it hard to believe that TD never considered the possibility that the ‘family’ imprisoned with him was not actually his family (what with him being held captive by changelings).
im always intrested when the idea of predator instincts show up, its fun and great when it does. If we could get some of that, I would be all for it no matter what the change is, since its a bit of a pleasure to see. I would say go for it, it you dont like the way it is.
The earlier on stuff is too far past to do much about retconning without having changes sweep forwards. The more recent stuff though, its really just... feels like its there to crap on the protagonist.
One thing though that made no sense and seemed rather stupid of TD is his arm. Chrysalis tried to turn him into a changeling at one point way back, but only got as far as one arm. I don't get why TD never did anything about it. Didn't try to get it turned back, or see if it woukd be harmful or allow chrysalis to fuck with him, just left it to bite him in the back. After the most recent mindscrewing on chrysalis behalf if I were TD having only one arm would be worth the loss if it meant less connection to her.
I mean, ultimately you're the author here. But I definitely wouldn't mind seeing it changed. For me, I didn't much like second half and kinda just skimmed through it.
If you want to change it, change it.
It's your story, bro!
Though... I kind of agree with your analysis and what you want to do, so that's a potential source of bias in my stance.
Honestly, keep it.
But remember how it turned out and grow from it. You have too much work built up to go back and carve out fairly large chunks of the story- that although they may have been poorly viewed events, still took place.
Hint hang your head on this, instead use it to step up and continue forward.
Hopefully helpful words from a writer who scrapped a whole 10 chapter progress because I realized how bad it was- nearly Mary Sue
The great thing about digital publishing and not charging money for your story is that you can change things easily and being a ongoing story if you are unhappy and your readers seem to be unhappy with how things are developing you can change it without having to print all new copies.
and just fyi: I'm not at all caught up on this story, been putting it off tell complete, so I would rather you change it if you think you can make it better for when I do get around to reading it.
I felt those parts were the hardest to get through but I don't think they were a waste. They showed the outrageous depths Chrysalis would plumb for her revenge and the entire experience certainly imparted a growing sense of hopelessness throughout.
I think the biggest issue I had was how long it seemed to last but that might just be my own hangups.. I'm not a fan of cruelty mainly for the sake of being cruel which is why I despise movies like Human Centipede that are basically torture porn with a thin veneer of 'horror' or 'suspense'.
Perhaps it could be improved by tightening the timeframe but then there's the risk of making it seem trivial and overly contrived/convenient. The mind games Chrysalis played seemed a little.. Hmm.. Obvious isn't quite right, since as a 3rd party observer who tends to be skeptical even at the best of times, it's hard to be surprised. Were I in a similar situation I'd likely have fallen for all of it. XP
TL;DR: I think it was good, but I know you can do even better if you want to.
I wasn't crazy about the whole kidnapping arc, considering it seemed like an excuse to traumatize poor td even further, but it's ultimately up to you.
Change it. I'm glad that you have come to realize how many leaps in logic there were in him getting kidnapped and all. It just seemed truly contrived because he would have done the Batman treatment of beating her to a Pulp but not killing her. Even if he did and they did force him to come with them, he would have left clues about where they took him or contacted Luna through dreams or dropped a line to Celestia. Hell, he should have been able to figure out how to escape rather than just sit in the cell for a year.
I would definitely appreciate a Retcon, just so long as you are fully on board.
5149264
This one sounds like it'd be interesting.
Maybe it could just be one of those "It feels like a year for him, but for them, it has only been a week." type of thing? Cuz honestly to me it's crazy that they would take that long to save him.
I honestly wasn't too big of a fan of the kidnapped for a year bit, and wouldn't mind a change to simply non-canon it (i.e. put it in a doc and have it in an author's note as the original) and having it be rewritten as taking time to deal with mental worries about kidnappings, or something along that line.
Honestly I'm for the change it, It wasn't a make me drop the story but it was close.
I went through the same thing when I had the whole "Luna knew about the assassination" thing. Even if you want to change it, its best to just keep it personally. You made it and it needs to stick because it will just have to make everything else change in the story. You might look at it with regret, but unless it ruins the story completly then don't change it.
Looks like many of these people are for you to take the shears and cutting apart your story. Tell me, have you ever felt this strongly for how you wrote your other stories? Say for instance how Rarity was caught in The Secret Life of Rarity or how you end The Word is Fear. I am only putting out examples of stories that stuck out to me is all.
5149411
I hate the Diamond Dog chapter in SLoR if that counts. And I'm not totally wild about Celestia in WiF.
5149412
That diamond dog chapter was something else wasn't it? A bit out of left field how that one played out I can agree to that. I honestly found it humorous when I read that back then if memory serves. Can't always make things you're proud of. We all have moments like that. You certainly have written a lot, it is bound to happen.
If you feel the need to change it, then go ahead, we can advise, plead, beg and whine at you, but we cannot force you to do anything that you do not want to do.
I read all of the main story line up untill then. It was one of the points where I was like ya no I am done here. Perhaps it all did make sense, but reading the chapters as they can out it seemed like a large tonal shift and was not fun to read.
5149472
Well, it's getting a re-write, and the next arc is Comet going to high school, which I'd obviously less dark. Plus it's his life. I know I've had horrific stuff happen out of nowhere, as has everyone.
5149474
I will give it a shot once that is done.
I left this due to finding other stories and given what I’ve just read you did I’m kinda glad I did I’d say change it Nathan Traveler did the same dark story in his Omnius Travels: Equestria story and while he backpedaled he stopped updating the story and deleted his account shortly after. His series can still be found on FiMFetch but it kinda leaves on a cliffhanger the epilogue romance stories with Twilight help but it’s just not the same.
Tl;dr Change it
Change, keep original linked somewhere :^)
5149264
So, instead of Burning Godzilla, we get En Fuego Twilight.
I feel like it would be better to leave the kidnapping out, it really felt like and now TD has to suffer because.... No way to change it for him, no way to grow for him. It felt, to me at least like torture for the sake of torture.
IMO, I find that stories that are far too long and have almost outgrown their main character, tiring. They always switch to a different character and focus on them more than the main original character. And in that way you always carry what you have written before. It's good, but it could be better and the kidnapping chapter killed everything else.
Change it.
If we hate or dislike everything thats been done. Life wouldnt move on. If you truely wish to change it and have the time and. Mental fortatude to do so. Go ahead. Just remember to always live with your mistakes else they will forever eratate you. Thanks for the read.
Do what feels right to you.
5149512
This is a good idea. If you do change it, keep the original somewhere so those that DO like it can still read it if they want. I wouldn't scrap the whole thing, just maybe tone it waaay down.
One thing you shoukd scrap though, if Antares having a kid with Luna. Honestly it ruins his relationships with pretty much everyone, and there are so many other ways you coukd use for anothwr baby alicorn in the story. As for why I think its bad: everybody sides with Luna against him to coerce him into it against his will, nobody sides with him or cares about what he wants, and nobody has the slightest bit or remorse or shame for it. This says that nobody cares about him at all, and yet everybody is okay with this. Treating people so terribly should have consequences at least, but everybody is just disgustingly happy for what feels like a violating betrayal.
Time, especially in fanfics, is not linier. I honestly enjoyed it, and agree it should be an alternative timeline rather than a full re-write, but apparently that is just me and a handful of others. Do as you see fit.
As someone who couldn't read it yet (and I've taken a spoiler hit for deciding to look at this), I hope you don't. I want to read the story in its original version. Fundamentally rewriting and altering a story that is this old and/or has reached such popularity isn't a good idea ever since "Past Sins" was rewritten by Pen Stroke and the original story removed by him.
I just want to say I'm on the "It's not too late to change it" bandwagon. I actually stopped reading because of that arc.