Writing: How To Be A Popular Author in Three Easy Steps (not clickbait) · 3:35am Nov 9th, 2018
That’s right, folks, today only I’m telling y’all the three biggest secrets to becoming a popular author! And there’s no need to send me three easy installments of $19.95 (although of course you certainly can if you want to).
First, we’re gonna talk about characters. You’ve got them in your head, and of course they’re perfect in every way. You’ve spent hours and hours lovingly detailing them in your notes. Well, unless you’re writing fanfiction, and then somebody else might have spend hours and hours lovingly detailing them and you’re just borrowing them for that second-person anon romance fic you’ve been just dying to write but never mind that, let’s assume that you did develop them yourself.
Obviously, at some point in the story, your lovingly detailed, perfect in every way character has to make an appearance.
And the biggest drawback to the written word is that people can’t see her, not like you see her. This is where your description’s got to really shine.
You’d never want to skip over that. Look, here’s an example of what you should never do:
“Mmmh.” Gene rubbed his beak against Meadowgrass' muzzle. “You're so warm.”
That doesn’t tell the reader anything. We don’t care about Gene, obviously, but what about Meadowgrass? What does she look like? How’s the reader going to know if we don’t tell him or her?
Here’s a much better version:
”Mmmh.” Gene rubbed his beak against Medowgrass’ muzzle. She was a grass-green pegasus with a flowing yellow mane the color of springtime dandilions and alluring sky-blue eyes. She stood about 30 inches at the withers and was slender even for a pegasus, weighing in at about 79 pounds. Her cutie mark was a sprig of Festulolium hybrid pasture mixture ryegrass. “You’re so warm.”
See how much better that is? It really shows how important Meadowgrass is.
If she was human or anthro, I’d of course include her bra size, probably right away in the description, but that’s not really all that important for a pony character. Just the same, I’d be remiss to not give a helpful hint--as a guy, the bigger the number and letter, the more better it is (and the more important the character is to the plot of the story), so while a 36C is okay, a 44DD is a wiser choice. Or, a 280Z.
Secondly, me you the author have to consider pacing. While professional authors don’t always consider that--they sometimes have professionals write the short and long descriptions for their stories, or so I’ve heard--we have to do that ourselves here.
Now, the big advantage of a long description especially is that you can succinctly summarize the plot.
Since I’m not so vain as to assume that y’all are familiar with my works, I’ll use an actual published franchise that you might have heard of. It’s called Harry Potter, and it follows a guy named Harry Potter.*
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*It’s not always wise to use the titular character in the title, but that’s an advanced lesson and will cost you $49.99 payable in advance.
In the first book, which is confusingly named either Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone or Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, we learn that ye’r a wizard, Harry, and that he fights Voldemort. He also wins his fight with Voldemort, which is good. That’s what the reader wants, for the good guy who the book is named after to win against the bad guy who the book isn’t named after.
Also, Voldemort has no nose. So you know he’s a bad guy. But I digress.
My point is that Harry Potter wins in the very first book . . . and then there are six more! So much winning! That’s bad pacing. Clearly, J. K. Rowling should have just ended the series after the first book, where we readers have learned that Harry Potter beats Voldemort. Everything else is her just milking out the plot . . . there’s no reason to read the other six books. Sure, lots of stuff happens in them, but it’s all completely unnecessary. We know that Harry and Voldemort (who has no nose) are mortal enemies, and we know that Harry wins the fight in book 1.
In fact, now that I think about it, if J. K. Rowling had been more skilled at a long description, she wouldn’t have had to write most of that book. Something like “Harry Potter discovers he’s a wizard and his real parents were wizards and he goes to Hogwarts to learn more about being a wizard and he confronts Quagmire [that was the professor’s name, wasn’t it?] who is actually Voldemort who Harry hates because Voldemort killed his parents and Harry beats him at chess the end.” would have save all sorts of time when it came to the book. Maybe a nice illustration, people like those, and that would have been all that was needed.
Seriously, think of how much time that would save you as a reader? No nail-biting cliff-hangers, no waiting for the next chapter book to be published; just a decent summary and that’s that. A real time-saver, and then readers can move on to the next thing.
I guess what I’m saying is that worldbuilding and building tension and mystery and suspense are all overrated. Nobody wants to read that stuff, nobody’s got the attention span for that.
Finally, and here’s the most important lesson. Readers are always right, and if you’re enjoying what you write, you’re doing it wrong. A proper writer retires to his lonely writer’s garret and ponders important word choices like ‘then’ vs. ‘than’; or ‘effect’ vs. ‘affect.’ A proper writer is miserable, not doing what he or she enjoys, but writing the best kind of fiction, the kind that people over-analyze for years and is completely unprofitable because nobody actually wants to read it except professors of English Lit and students who are forced to do so by their professor of English Lit.
The death knell is when somebody says Admiral Biscuit’s a good writer, but he always just wants to write these inconsequential things. That’s the worst kind of review; especially when it comes on a story that was well-liked, because inconsequential doesn’t pay the bills* offer fame and glory and the personal satisfaction of doing what you want as a hobby. Because dammit this isn’t a hobby, this is deadly serious stuff and if you don’t do it right you will die. We’ll all die. You’ve killed us all, Karen; I hope you’re satisfied.
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*Upon examination of my bank statements, publishing fanfiction for free on the internet does not, in fact, pay the bills.
Screencap from the show
My point is that if you’re happy with what you’re doing, you’re the problem. Writing should be agony; if it isn’t, you’re doing it wrong. Anybody who says otherwise is lying to you, either because they’re a bastard, or else because they just feel sorry for you.
I’ve been told by my English Senior Seminar Professor, who helpfully wrote in red that I was wrong about Wallace Stevens [she might have been mad that I liked to sit next to her in class while wearing my horseback riding clothes, complete with a suitable amount of horse manure on my boots] that what I think is wrong and that I don’t deserve a degree in English. Well, the joke’s on her, ‘cause I don’t have one. But I’ve also been told that I need to summarize my essay more succinctly and so here we go; summed up in three bullet points (except each bullet is two en dashes because I’m too lazy to use actual bullets):
--readers have no imagination, so describe your characters in excruciating detail to make sure readers get it right
--why write a long novel when a summary will do just as well and readers can imagine suspense and whatnot from that
--if you write what you want, you’re wrong
[/sarcasm]
<takes a deep breath>
Shouldn’t’ve said that. Should not have said that.
Here’s the real talk. There’s a delicate balance between good criticism and bad criticism and sometimes a fine line between people who are well-meaning and those who are trolls, etc. As I’m sure most of y’all have figured out, most of this is based on comments/reviews I’ve gotten on things of mine. In some cases, they’re from people who have genuinely missed the point, and in some cases they’re from people who are indeed well-meaning.
I could probably go on for another few thousand words, but I think that the best way to sum this all up is to take Spiderman’s advice here.
And before people excoriate me in the comments, I’m more than willing to admit that I don’t always publish my best here. I’m only human, and my mood and sometimes my poor impulse control are factors in what y’all see, and surely some of the rest of you are nodding your heads. Some of the rest of you are thinking about that time you were in a hotel room at a con with another author and decided that you were going to write a really dumb shipfic, or you were under the front end of a delivery van and really mad at your manager for being an idiot as well as the situation of American politics in general so you wrote a political story where Princess Celestia bucked a political candidate to the moon. I get it, I really do--we’ve all been there.
Sometimes we even write a long blog post taking presumably well-meaning comments to their absurd end. Not that I would ever do that, of course; all my blog posts are well-thought-out and don’t have clickbaity titles 
but that’s just an example. Also, on a related topic, one wouldn’t do wrong to read Piers Anthony’s Revise and Invent (I think that’s what it was called; I’m too lazy to find the book right now).
Now that we’re at the final end, a good author would leave y’all with an inspirational quote. Preferably one that’s stolen a homage.
Since I’m just some hack with a keyboard, I’ve got two options.
Pick the one that’s the most inspirational for you:
I know you’re tired, I know you’re hurting, and I wish I could say something that’s classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn’t be our style. Pain heals; chicks dig scars, glory lasts forever.
Choosing amongst options like that is like inviting someone to play Russian Roulette and filling all the chambers but just proceeding with the general expectation that most of the time the gun won’t work.
One one of my fics, a couple people complained it was moving too slow, and I almost added an extra chapter where literally nothing happens to spite them.
HOW DOES HE SMELL?!
4965165
Well thank you for not punishing us for their sins. Not that t was moving too slowly, but it would have denied us adorable ghost horses! And that would be terrible. You wouldn’t deny us adorable ghost horses would you?
4965165
I approve wholeheartedly of your action. I loved the blog post, too.
To a reader that complained that my story chapters were too long and questioned me as to the why, I simply answered 'because I want to' in short.
4965167
Pretty rank.
It also helps to watch Brandon Sanderson's entire taped lecture series. Wonderful use of time.
Um. No. Seriously, that's so not a good description, particularly since you're comparing to Harry Potter stories. JK Rowling is epic for *not* describing characters other than maybe by their year and house. Quick example: in the Prisoner of Azkaban, Nevile's grandmother is simply described as 'formidable looking' or Percy's girlfriend described as 'a girl with long, curly hair'
Let me take a stab at the description example you used done me-style.
”Mmmh.” Gene had to lean down to rub his beak against Medowgrass’ muzzle. She was so much shorter than him, and even though she leaned back against his feathered chest, the pressure was little more than a suggestion. It was their differences that kept drawing them back together despite the occasional spitting and clawing fights. For a tiny tuft of grass-green fluff, his pegasus marefriend had enough fire inside that her mane should have been flame red instead of the creamy butter-yellow of springtime dandelions. He took one cautious nip at her cutie mark, a sprig of some sort of dark green ryegrass that he had never really understood, then sat back on his haunches to gaze into her alluring sky-blue eyes. "You're so warm," he admitted, "but if I keep this up, I won't be able to quit until very late, and we have that important meeting that really isn't that important if you really don't want to go."
4965165
Well, Pony Planet is moving too slowly.
*ducks*
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I COULD DRAG IT ON FOR A MILLION WORDS OR MORE DON’T TEMPT ME KAREN
4965167
Awful.
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Well, denied for two days. But, depending on how I went, you would have learned a lot about, I dunno, pony kitchen sinks. So that would have been a plus, I guess.
4965165
You should have
You have aome preaty great fiction written
Keep up the good work
4965171
“Because I can” or “Because it was there” (depending on the circumstance) is also a perfectly valid response.
4965179
They’re low to the ground for a human, shallow so you can pick things up with your mouth, gravity fed, and probably use pedals or something?
4965173
Ain’t nobody got time for that!
The first video is 58 minutes long, and there are more after it!
You've been reading If Wishes Were Ponies, haven't you?
I see what you did there.
Well, FWIW, it might move along more quickly if it updated more often... can’t read ‘dem horsewords if they don’t exist!
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Magnets. Pony kitchen sinks use magnets.
How?
I dunno.
F
ing magnets, how do they work?
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I’m not the best writer in the world- far from it- but this ironically inspired me to go out and publish something once in a while.
Also, one of my pet peeves is the stuffed in descriptions of characters. I’m so glad you touched on that.
Yeah, screw that guy.
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Technically, he’s a griffon, but who cares about details like that, amirite?
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I recall a popular saying in Appalachia: ":Some folk 'u'd bitch iffen ye hanged 'em with a golden rope...
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Killing us all?
Well, I hadn’t expected to die as a result of ponyfic, but I suppose there are worse ways to go.
In all seriousness, though, do what you want and hopefully other people will like it, too. And if not, at least you had fun.
Or, to quote another movie, “If you build it, they will come.”
That’s often way overdone. Trust the reader; they’ll picture a character. The author’s duty is often only broad strokes, and the reader fills in the fine detail.
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Or do they only take mortise and tenon joints? 
What's being a griffon have to do with it? Do you perhaps need an impact drill for those?
I was laughing through the whole thing, man I needed that.
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tches love die grinders.
Die grinders. B
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You’re welcome!
<please don’t ban me>
I love you,
Alice B. ToklasAdmiral Biscuit.4965176
I wouldn't mind a bit... if it came out with the frequency of Silver Glow's Journal. Nah. Just kidding. I'd not ask you to do that marathon again. But I do like me some Pony Planet and Poppy. I love Poppy and A Highway 502 storys I think that barrier is getting thin again... maybe you could fit in some kitchen sinks.
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You’ve got to have a golden bridle to catch a unicorn, you know, and a golden rope is basically the same thing.
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I love me, too.
In fact, I love me so much that REDACTED
derpicdn.net/img/view/2018/3/7/1673868__safe_artist-colon-dstears_pinkie+pie_secrets+and+pies_bad+end_bondage_earth+pony_female_graffiti_insane+asylum_insanity_mare_messy+mane_monoch.png
. . . I’m fine, Joanna, I’m fine. . . .🎶
If it's got tits or tires, you're gonna have problems. Good show Admiral! Love reading your blogs, always manage to make me chuckle or, god forbid, learn something new. haha
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I do what I can.
All I got out of this is that Admiral is writing a Harry Potter and the 280Z cup Bra fanfic.
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I quickly adopted the policy that if the volume and quality of complaints is fairly comparable but opposite to the volume and quality of compliments, then I must be doing it just right.
ie, if the "this is too slow and overflowing with too many details" complaints match the "this moves just right and is full of glorious detail" compliments, then everything is going about right.
4965173
That was the minor but incredibly persistent gripe I had with Robert Jordan's 14 book magnum opus! One of the semi-recurring villains - Liandrin, I think it was - was never fully described! By a guy who apparently subsisted on descriptions. Seriously, I went back and scoured the book where she first shows up, and don't remember getting any more than "slender" and "severe."
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k size.
You don’t even know how tempted I’ve been to write a badfic where all the male characters are described by d
You don’t even know.
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k”
“his temper was short, like his d
4965230
I think that I have had around three complaints at most, of over sixty comments total.
I think I'm fine and dandy - I'm a niche writer, after all.
4965231
Please do.
I wanna see your take on it.
4965173
If you thought this blog post was well-thought-out, you misunderestimated the power of
demon rumliquid muse. Also, I see your stealth edits, don’t think I don’t.Legit, one of my prizewinning stories the best description readers ever got of characters was if they were a kid or not and their gender. Other than that, it was all on the reader.
As it should be.
4965230
I just console myself with the thought that there’s one person--possibly with several alt accounts--who lurks in his basement and waits for the admiral to update, then hits the downvote button.
Seriously, though, if your reactions are mixed between ‘you’re moving too fast’ and ‘you’re moving too slow,’ you’ve hit the sweet spot.
Admiral, please don't ever change! This was as educational as it was hilarious! And OTPP is not going to slow, It's going the pace you want it to (no matter if we would like it to update faster
).
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It took two or maybe three people to decide if I should or should not write a fluff chapter to annoy those two or three people.
I guess what I’m saying is that I need one more person to beg me to write a s
tfic where male characters are described by their d
ks and I might very well do it just for the lulz.
Also, before you find said people, know that we all might regret what happens. As they say, you’ve watched it; you can’t un-watch it.
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You’ll never have me!
Also for what it’s worth, the specific pacing comments I was salty about weren’t for OPP (although heaven knows I’ve gotten my share of OPP pacing comments)
Also also if I can hit the right balance of educational/hilarious on my blog posts, I’m doing good. Real good. If y’all laugh and y’all learn something, then I’ve done my job here.
Well, this was interesting.
4965167
Terribly.
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I would read it. I seriously enjoy the world building articles. I've written a fair few mini-missives with friends on a Discord server before, mostly about the Equestrian military and government.
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If nothing else, take Spiderman’s words to heart. “Everybody gets one.”
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Oh I'm SURE I'm going to regret it. But it might be funny anyway. I'm sure you'll overthink it in interesting ways.
hmm, pretty interesting. It might be useful if I ever actually get something written lol.
4965165
lol, that's totally something i'd do.
Eeh, I think I have to anti-recommend Piers Anthony. His fiction is just coated with a layer of grease, and I can't imagine his nonfiction is any better. I doubt he'd be able to identify the problem with your first suggestion.