Confessional: I Am Just Going Outside. I May Be Some Time. · 1:58pm Jul 4th, 2018
Blog Number 41: Indefinite Leave Edition
I need to take a hiatus. This is now officially the point when writing has ceased to be a pleasure for me, and has instead become a miserable experience.
Trust me: at no point did I want this to happen. It just did, and I have to take a timeout at the very least, for my own sake.
Ever since I can remember - practically my whole life - I've always had my heart set on stories. On watching them, playing with them, learning about them, writing them, thinking them up: I love the damn things! I've pretty much spent all of my life geared towards the medium of writing, even if only in my thoughts rather than on the actual page.
One of the reasons the Friendship is Magic fandom is so special to me is because of how helpful and enthralling it was for my writer's muse. It helped to buoy up my ambitions and skills in a way that only sporadically happened before that magical moment when I started watching the show.
Ah, but that was years back. By now, the show's moved on in a direction I'm losing interest in, my writing has come a long enough way for me to look back on (and to think about the overall journey), and the unpleasant conclusion I've been avoiding for months now is no longer deniable: at this point, I'm just not getting much out of the experience.
The reasons for the change vary from the natural to the self-imposed to the completely unpredictable and mysterious. Writing as a craft has often been an uneven experience, and at the start of the process of story-crafting - the ideas stage - more often than not I simply prefer not to write (and thus not inflict any more garbage on the world than is already there). Even if it means posting more rarely than usual. I still debate whether or not to delete my older works; some of them I refuse to acknowledge came from the same hand that penned the later works.
Even finishing a fic, I've lately become more and more resentful about editing and proofreading it, though I'm fully aware that this is a bad way to proceed.
Half the time, I just give up and refuse to publish even if I have something to show for it, again because I'd rather be silent than add any more trash onto the world. And even when I do publish, the initial buzz wears off after a few days - especially if there's little if any public interest - and I'm right back where I started.
Yeah, this is more or less how it's always been; writing is, after all, an art, and like any art, it's not for the faint-hearted or lazy, and requires discipline and a readiness to fail. It's just more recently, I've felt more unhappy than usual about it, like I'm losing patience or becoming less able to stomach it.
And frankly, I don't do myself any favours. At the risk of outing myself as unbelievably petty, I'm gonna come out and say it:
I envy people.
I seriously, gut-twistingly envy some people.
And I don't mean that in a comedically ironic way, like a good sport would. It's like my entire body suddenly feels sick.
People with more views, more likes, more followers, more reputation than me, even when I recognize they earned it through hard work and effort: the envy kicks in. They have what I crave.
That's an awful attitude to possess, and I know it, especially since I should count my blessings instead of count my deficiencies. But it just keeps coming up in my mind, like an obsession. Questions keep popping up in my mind, questions about public opinion, personal ability, something I lack, something I can blame others for: the whole wretched stew. And I think it's a symptom of some fundamental... well, mental block I've got, because I know damn well this is a piss-poor attitude, and yet it's still there, despite whatever I try to do to block it out.
It's not just that, either. Sometimes, my standards for myself are flat-out unrealistic; for instance, one of the reasons I go after background ponies in my stories (one of the reasons, I hasten to make clear) is out of some pie-in-the-sky hope that a daring reimagining of one of them would be my notable achievement in this fandom.
I don't feel like this all the time, and in my lucid moments I'm fully aware of what baloney this self-aggrandisement is, but it's enough that I get into a mental rut about it, which doesn't help my mood one jot.
And sometimes, I flat-out don't understand why this is much rougher than even my more pessimistic predictions would have guessed. This year alone, I've had months where I've churned out fics like it was a cheerful marathon, and months where I might as well be dead for all I've managed to do.
Oh, the ideas keep coming, I keep drawing up schedules, I get enthusiastic and excited about scenes and characters and dialogue and plot twists at any time other than when I'm actually sitting down to write. It's like I've got a weird form of stage fright, but can act fine at literally any time other than the time I'm actually supposed to act. "Frustrating" is the kindest word I can use to describe this constant war against myself.
The result of all this is clear to me. At this rate, I'll be driving myself crazy over what happens on one site among millions, for Pete's sake.
So, as of now, I'm stepping down. I'm clearly in no fit state right now. Not for the sake of a bunch of fics.
At least I'm not gonna act like those people who say they're leaving the site forever and then come back in two weeks. For now, I'm just going to call this a timeout while I consider whether or not I want to go ahead with this fanfic-writing business. I know I said I'd have a hiatus last month, but last month was more about trying a new approach to my writing. This is about whether I want to continue writing at all, at least for the immediate future.
Until then, fare thee well, fellow users, and I'll settle for my usual signing off.
Impossible Numbers, out.
No statistics. Sorry, I'm not in the mood right now.
If it helps, I have harbored every single one of these feelings as you describe them at some point in the last seven years. D: Take a break.
Sounds like some away time is exactly what you need. Rest well. *snugs*
Take as long as you need. We'll be here when you get back.
Take care of yourself, that’s the most important thing
Yo, if you need to take a break, take a break. Take care of yourself.
Be good to yourself.
I feel a lot the same way. Not about the show's direction, but certainly about my lack of self-worth and the inability to stomach wasting my time by writing another horrid story. I don't know how many I've given up on now. I had to convince myself two times to not stop in the middle of a 750-or-less drabble over on writeoff.me.
Take the time you need and take care of yourself, mate. Read and reviewed a story of yours before I realised this blog was up. Expect more as and when you're among us again.
On the envy aspect? I am exactly the same.
I want what what I'll never get.
Take a break. I did. Seems to have helped me some.
~Skeeter The Lurker
So, to nail it down right here, the problem why you still enjoy writing ponyfics, but get blocked once you try doing that, is you feal jealous of others' success. You come up with a great fic idea, then see another author who has more views and more followers, then you start feeling envy and this is blocking your ability to write.
Since you are mostly a background pony author, I can't help but think that a bit of this envy was felt about one of my recent fics, too.
We might have almost the same amount of followers, but this fic does have more views than most of your background pony fics and also made it into the Feature Box, despite being about a background pony who barely anyone noticed and who had exactly one art piece made for her in the more than four years since her first appearance in the show, so it exceeds many of your fics in success.
Granted, I admittedly "cheated" a bit with this story, because Pinkie Pie has a significant, secondary mane character role in it, too, but since it is a background pony fic and has been released at about the same time where you suddenly stopped writing, I can't help but see a connection there.
But, regardless, this doesn't mean you can't reach that, too. You did it once already, there's a fic here that beats mine for Brown Sugar by a good amount. And considering how dry the pony fic environment is for background ponies for a few years now, this is a great achievement. It isn't easy these days to get attention for a background pony fic, as I can attest myself (to give a negative example about that background pony success from above, only 179 readers read until the end, and that's despite me having written about the subtly-canon little brother of Derpy of all ponies!), but you got great attention for this one. And you continuously receive rather respectable views for the fact it's background ponies you're writing about.
This is something to be proud of, so, let this drown the feeling of envy a little and make it suffer.
However, I can understand the feeling. Especially because I made that certain experience, of how hard it is to get attention for a background pony fic, when I wrote mine for Crackle Pop two years ago.
Getting a background pony fic to become popular is hard, but not impossible, as my fic for Brown Sugar demonstrated (and you can imagine my joy when I saw it taking off like a rocket, after the popularity fail of Crackle Pop's story).
But it is harder than when you write about a pony who is a mane character, or, at least more in the foreground. It is harder and it takes more time until you see that happen. It might even happen very infrequently, you can see a success with one background pony fic, then low popularity with the next one. Even with the success Brown Sugar scored, I am not expecting to repeat this any time soon with another underappreciated background pony. Writing about background ponies is a tough road.
With that said, I can see the problem you have. It is not envy you have, it is impatience. You wanna strike a huge success with a background pony story. And you have written about background ponies for a long time now, but that huge success didn't happen yet. So your mind starts wondering if it's really worth continuing to strive for that goal. And since this is your main goal in writing about background ponies, it also starts wondering if quitting to write ponyfics might be a good idea.
And the answer to all of this, even though it's one that is hard to swallow..... is PATIENCE.
Patience and being more daring and trying out new things. Experimentation is something crucial for any creative career and when I look through your background pony fics, you're not nearly doing enough for that. Yes, your themes seem to be varied, and sometimes they are even very deep and philosophical (Berry Pinch's Hearth's Warming Eve story will always be one of my favourite stories), but the ponies aren't. You often write about the same background ponies; Derpy, Dinky, the Flower Trio, Minuette, Twinkleshine.....
These are very well-known and fan-favourite background ponies and, frankly, this might be the exact reason why fics about them don't get as many views as you would like. They might not get much spotlight in the show, but the fandom knows them since Season 1 and has probably done as much with them as with the Mane Six at this point, be that in fics or in other art mediums. Which doesn't mean there isn't story potential to be explored in them, they are background ponies after all, but it means that many are used to them, which makes it less exciting for them to see another Slice of Life fic involving them.
What you should do, is trying something greater. Readers like to get surprised with new, unexpected content, so, be more daring! Choose a new background pony we only know since very recently and come up with an epic idea for it that is tailored to its life and personality! Or choose the well-known ones again, but write something for them that hasn't been done before!
What if Daisy, Lily and Roseluck go on an epic adventure together? How would that look? Why would they go? What reasons would they have to embark on such an adventure, or, what would force them to do so?
What if Dinky, Berry Pinch and Liza Doolots (Tootsie Flute) find themselves in a completely unfamiliar situation during an attack on Equestria and they have to deal with it in their own ways? How would they react? What would they do? How would they cope with the disaster and could they perhaps even contribute something to end it?
Try out new things. Of course, this is risky, especially if you write for new ponies no one has written for before, since the audience doesn't know them yet and might be wary. And it might require more patience before you hit it with such a story. But as you can see with my fic for Brown Sugar, it can work!
Experiment, do a lot of different things, until you found a combination that hits all the right spots with the readers here. It can and will happen eventually. And once it does, you have gained some momentum and can continue to ride this wave, by putting out more and more new and unconventional ideas.
I see that your problem with views is merely a lack of experimentation. Especially with how you said you often come up with ideas, but then don't dare to write them down, thinking they could be garbage, I can see that. You are not daring enough and it's holding you back.
But readers like new ideas and when you throw something away as garbage, it could have been the future hit story and you don't even know it, because you will never find out anymore.
Be more daring. Be more bold. Truly surprise your readers. This is what makes an author memorable and it will add more to the already existent background pony author reputation that you have earned here and build on it.
Don't just be a background pony author. Be an innovative background pony author. This is something that will pay off eventually.
Nothing will sap your creativity and love for something like trudging on when you're thoroughly spent.
When I stumbled upon your profile I was blown away at the sheer volume of work you managed to put out, and I can see now that it came at considerable cost.
Personally speaking, I found myself in a bit of a creative rut with my art when I was forcing myself to draw ponies.
But it got better when I took a break and drew other things for a while.
So, I understand if you think a hiatus is the best decision.
I guess it's a little selfish of me to say this, but I do hope you will return eventually as I really enjoy your stories.
As a fellow creative type I know that words like this can sometimes feel hollow and distant, but Why the Gift is Given is jaw-droppingly good; I basically parked myself for an afternoon and read through it in one shot, it was that good.
I'll end by saying that I hope you'll let us know what your plans are once you've thought it over.
Either way, you've given us all a tremendous amount to read and think about, and for that I thank you.
Take care.
I'm sorry I didn't reply to these sooner. What I should have mentioned was that I'd be taking a hiatus from the site, not just from writing ponyfic (well, trying to take a hiatus; in practice, I kept coming back anyway), but that doesn't excuse my tardiness or my negligence. I really am grateful for everyone's replies, though, so I'll try to do them justice. Again, apologies.
4894647
Well, at least it was only two... months, right?
OK, I'm not technically "back", if we define that as "back writing fiction again". We've spoken via PM already, so I'll just content myself to say I do feel somewhat better now, and thanks for leaving me this message too.
4894650
I legitimately worried I was the only one who felt like this, at least at the time. Everyone else seemed so relaxed and carefree. It does help to know, so thanks a ton for saying this.
4894653
Getting there, so I am. Like I said in my latest blog post, I still haven't decided whether or not to continue writing, especially since Lure of the Flower is just sitting there, though I've failed to just finish the thing for months now. But whichever I end up doing... thanks for the snugs!
4894681
The hiatus is still technically on, so I don't consider myself "back" yet - for the love of sanity, don't ask me how my mind works
- but I will say it's been a pleasure to see your comments on my stories, and enthusiasm like yours is exactly what I like to see in a readership. Thanks again!
4894682
Will do, for it most certainly is important to take care of oneself. I'm getting there, at least. Thank you for the kind message.
4894690
It's been a mixed one, but I'm confident it's closer to a resolution. I've felt better (at least, on balance) since this blog went up, which is a good sign. Ta for the comment.
4894728
Thank you! I'm sure I will (most of the time).
Also, thanks for popping in to comment. Even a short but sweet message is encouraging indeed.
4894967
This is a surprising message, I must admit. By this point, I was half-convinced I was the only one with this kind of stop-start writing problem. I assumed experienced writers tended to adapt and wrestle less with the writing process, and you strike me as an experienced writer. Then again, I was in a pessimistic place when I wrote this blog, so that likely distorted my view a bit.
In any case, it's not nice to hear someone else has these problems - I wouldn't wish them on my enemies, to be frank, at least if I had any enemies - but at least it is nice to know other people are in the same boat as me. Thanks for saying so.
4895335
Yes, I'll be getting around to your comments soon enough. It was bad manners on my part to neglect replying to them for so long. Rest assured I was delighted to receive every single one. Thank you!
4896413
I'm getting over myself on that front, if slowly. Wanting beyond reasonable expectations is a recipe for misery. I think I am getting closer to an answer, so the break has helped me to an extent. Of course it's still technically ongoing, so nothing definitive just yet, but it's at least good to hear from someone who was in a similar situation. Thanks!
4896569
Wow! I'm blown away by the time and effort you've dedicated to this reply. I can't promise I'll reply to every point, but I'll see if I can do it justice here, because there's plenty of food for thought on offer.
Firstly, I will assure you that it wasn't your particular fic, Wish for a Mother, that caused my hard times, though this is simply because the hard times were going on long before that fic's release date. (Though that fic's reception is the sort of reception I'd love to get more often). Also, it occurs to me I'm not following you, which is remiss of me, so there we go.
You are right that I should have more perspective when it comes to writing background characters. It kills me to see the poor things fall by the wayside, but it's also true we're not likely to see the sort of explosive successes that broke out during the fandom's early days. I should be grateful for what I've got, and just accept that an interest in writing marginal characters like these doesn't coexist with an unhealthy desire to see them explode in popularity. Reasonable expectations: that's the ticket.
Patience, as you say, is a problem I've had for a while. I said elsewhere I wanted to write novels, and part of the reason I haven't finished one yet is because - as I've noticed - I seem to get more and more impatient, and less and less disciplined, the longer the enterprise turns out to take. I was a little wary of your secondary point at first - that I should be more daring - because, well, I felt like I was trying new things already.
But then I realized it was because I was repeatedly abandoning ideas, which is probably why I keep coming back to "safer" options I was more confident in and more comfortable with. I mean, the Flower Trio epic adventure was an idea I'd been sitting on for years, so it startled me to see you mention it and realize I was indeed being too hesitant.
So a big thank you to working through these problems and giving me some insights. If I return to writing - If, because I'll make no promises just yet - I shall bear them in mind. Seems I do need to be more daring and less timid. Thanks again!
4906491
Honestly, it is nice to know I've left something behind that's appreciated.
Why the Gift is Given was a pleasant surprise when I saw the reception it was getting. It most definitely will be submitted to Equestria Daily, though later this year. If all goes well, I'll send it in time to come out during December, should luck be on my side. Seems more appropriate for a Hearth's Warming fic.
Regarding my plans, I do intend to announce my decision should I finally arrive at one. Things have improved a little since July, though not enough to determine if I'll keep writing stories here. Part of me really wants to, especially when it sees you and others enjoying what I've already done. I'd love to keep giving my all for that. But I still can't forget how stressful it could be too, so like I said, I haven't decided yet whether it's worth the risk.
Either way, your message put a damn big smile on my face, and I feel pretty silly just following it up with a simple thank you. But I can't think of anything better or more to the point, so: Thank you for telling me what you thought. It was a pleasure to read.
4930698
Oh, believe me, you are in no way alone. It's the primary reason my own output on this site is so limited.
4930698
Piggy-backing off your reply to Skywriter that I'm a martyr to stopping-and-starting-and-second-guessing my output as well. There's a few things I've published that're incomplete and'll stay that way, and there's more than I care to tally sitting in my GDocs folder. It's a problem of mixed-parts poor discipline and poor patience - and for what it's worth, looking at your output and the effort you put into your work, you strike me as exceedingly disciplined and patient.
There's plenty of folk in the boat together. Solidarity, yo.
Glad the comments I've been leaving have gratified as well. I was horrendously overdue on combing through your library for stuff to read. Plenty in there that delighted, and plenty more yet, I don't doubt.
4930698
Don't mention it.
You are our premier background pony author here, I had to say some words to motivate you and help you find the source of the problem. And if I start writing something I'm passionate about, be it fics or in comments..... then I'm harder to stop than a train at full speed. 
And I am blown away, too, that I wrote an example for a story idea that you already have for years.^^ Great minds think alike?
All in all, I'm glad you responded and that you feel better. I was very much worried that we lost you in the last couple of weeks.....
And I will definitely read the next story by you, whenever that one may come out. 
What you said about more reasonable goals sounds about right. It is, as I said, harder to get the attention you want with a background pony. But not impossible. The success I had with Brown Sugar's fic gave me back some hope that the fandom can return to its old ways of background pony writing.
You don't need to give up your dream of making a breakthrough with a background pony fic, but allowing yourself to have all the time in the world to reach that goal (because you do have all the time in the world, the MLP: FiM fandom doesn't go anywhere for the foreseeable time) while you experiment with different ideas and ponies and develop strategies for reaching it, this is definitely a recommended idea.
If you do that, it won't be so stressful anymore and you won't wear yourself out again.