Basements, Maternity Wards, and the Art of Not Talking About It · 5:15am May 25th, 2018
“Maybe I shouldn’t write about maternity wards.” That was the statement that set off this spiral of thinking. Out of context, it’s just a single statement, but with context about what was said, by whom, to whom… things get weird. Which I suppose is fairly normal, but honestly, in the case, context matters. Which is also why I’m not going to give it until later.
Hap said in an entry for the Iron Author contest at Everfree Northwest (which tied for second place, by the way) that “basements were places where dreams go to die.” I had a hell of a time with that statement on many levels. So I did the typical therapist thing and instead of getting upset about it, I got curious. Curious about why the phrase on its own hurt. Sure, the story was very well written and impactful. Sure, basements are creepy as heck. But really, it probably has more to do with my own relationship with basements, and the amount of time I spend in the basements of others. Metaphorically speaking.
And probably because I struggle the most when I can’t coax someone out of their own mental basement. I like how I deflected back to others on that one. Let’s not talk about Heartshine’s basement, but let’s see what’s in yours. What dreams have died and you’ve left their corpses rotting down there in such a way that it is actively affecting your present? You. Your dreams. Not mine. Leave mine alone.
I realised as I stepped into the metaphor of basements as the dark things that we carry with us that, yet again, I was slipping into metaphors. I do that a lot. I’m honestly more comfortable speaking in metaphors and obfuscations than I am saying what I actually mean. I’m not sure how Ebon Quill puts up with it, but he seems to accept that as part of me being me, and patiently waits for me to get around to my point. But I know that the reason why I do that is because it’s… easier to not talk about hard things than it is to talk about it.
Because we don’t talk about things like trauma. And there’s reasons behind that. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk published a study with his research team (ok maybe a couple of studies) where they performed PET (positron emission tomography) scans on the brains of individuals with PTSD, and monitored what areas of the brain activated when read a script of their own trauma histories. Unsurprisingly, anything that activates the fight or flight response lit up, but what surprised researchers was the fact that there was a plummet in the activation of the left pre-frontal cortex of the brain. For those of you who didn’t suffer through Dr. Ilsun White’s Neurophysiology in graduate school, the area of the brain that was basically shutting itself down was the part that controls speech. So… when we experience traumatic events and then try to do traditional talk therapy about it, no wonder it’s hard! No wonder we struggle and then feel like we’ve been run through a wringer! We’re literally having to forcibly reactivate an area of the brain that is shutting down in order to cope with what’s happened to us.
Which, to me is kind of funny because writers have been using silence and mutism and speechlessness as a literary tool for quite some time. We saw themes like this show up in writing after World War II. Writers who are exploring difficult issues like rape, slavery, abuse, historical trauma often times don’t have direct, lived in experiences with such things. That’s not to say that they don’t, just that by and large when exploring difficult and painful topics, often times it’s due to a desire to empathise with characters. And by writing mute characters, while initially it was a way to identify with someone who is so traumatized by what has happened to them that they cannot talk about it, writers have been using a neurologically sound explanation of why we do not talk about trauma.
And I fall into that trap. There are topics in my writing that I will flatly refuse to write about. Maternity wards is one of them. The destruction of the Golden Oak Library is another. These things mirror events in my life that hurt, and as a consequence I do not want to touch them. While I may not have the same experiences of the person that initially said that perhaps they shouldn’t write about maternity wards, I do struggle with the fact that I will not be able to have children biologically. And as a woman in her 30s, with the biological clock starting to tick louder, that… is something I’m not sure how to deal with. In fact, if it’s brought up in person, I’m likely to lie, obfuscate, and metaphor my way out of the conversation as quickly as it started. Because I don’t know how to deal with it. So I don’t talk about it.
But I also told the person that if they felt up to it, they should write about it. How we learn and grow is by experiencing things and empathising with others. I don’t remember who said that Sunset Shimmer was the element of Empathy, but the fact of the matter is that Empathy is a huge part of being a good friend. Of learning how to help support your friends when they are troubled and hurting, and how to grow as a person through it. My friend Novel Idea prefers to avoid stories with the ‘Sad’ or ‘Dark’ tags because of how strongly he can get himself into the characters of stories. He’s literally standing in their shoes, and as a consequence, their traumas are extremely painful for him. And I highly doubt that he’s alone in that. People would not have gotten nearly as much emotional connection to Blackjack of Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons had they not empathized with her and her plight.
Empathy is a wonderful thing. It’s what allows us to interact socially, and have deeper, more meaningful relationships. We’re not 100% sure how it works, but present psychological thinking is that it has to do with mirror neurons. Basically these are neurons that fire when we are experiencing and encountering other people’s experiences. It’s how we learn to talk as children. How we learn to cope with anger and sadness in certain ways based on how we watched our parents cope with those things. These mirror neurons are super important in allowing us to grow up and come to an understanding of our own feelings, and to understand that other people have feelings too.
Yet there is a dark side to this. Those mirror neurons fire whether or not we want them to. For some people, they’ll fire on a hairtrigger to any stimuli and response. We sometimes refer to those people as empaths, but… I think there’s also a metaphysical component to empathy that I’m not going to get into here. Mostly because that’s not the point of this. The point of this is things we really should be talking about, and honestly, what we don’t talk about is vicarious trauma.
As a mental health therapist, I have sat through the worst days of the lives of something to the tune of about 400 people. Possibly more if you count the amount of time I’ve spent doing peer support work for my friends. And looking at that number, that’s… basically like me knowing the trauma history of the entire population of the small town I live in. And I get to carry that with me.
Here’s where mirror neurons suck: there are stories that stick with me and I have had a very hard time ridding myself of them. This contributes to depression, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, flashbacks, intrusive thoughts… all common symptoms of PTSD. While I have some of those things happen at times because of my own trauma history, the thing I want to point out is that some of those things are caused by stuff that is not my own. I have about five clients that I have worked with who were giving me their trauma narrative, and I can remember aspects of the room we were in when we talked in excruciatingly painful detail. Honestly just writing about it brings back several of those conversations, and as a consequence really makes me wish I wasn’t writing this sober.
But I am sober, and I am writing about it, because we need to talk about it. Trauma is that social taboo that we don’t discuss because we have this thing about mental illness in the U.S. Maybe it’s different in your country, but most places in the world are not accepting of the fact that humans are extremely good as a species at finding ways to mentally tear ourselves down. And there’s a lot of difficult things in the world that have shown this to be true.
In 1997, Kaiser-Permanente health system in California completed a study called the Aversive Childhood Experiences study that was later published in 1998. The study was designed to look at how prevalent a couple of types of aversive experiences actually were. They surveyed something to the tune of 17,000+ people enrolled in their health system, and honestly the results were, well, simultaneously eye opening and a bit horrifying.
Now, I could throw out percentages for you, but honestly, that really quickly runs into the A Million is a Statistic trope in writing, and I really don’t want to do that because I have a point behind this. Because honestly these are things that happen, are real, and are part of someone’s experience. Someone you may know. So… let me break this down like I’m talking about a place where I spend a lot of time…
Novel’s Nook discord server has about 100 members in it. There’s 101 if you count me. According to the ACEs study, 10 of us experienced emotional abuse as kids. 28 of us experienced physical abuse at one time. 20 of us are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Of the 100 of us, 12 witnessed domestic violence, 27 had family members abusing substances in the home, 19 lived with family members experiencing mental illness, 23 of us had our parents divorce while we were kids, and 4 had parents that at one time were in jail. 15 would say they were emotionally neglected by their parents, meaning that they didn’t feel loved. 10 would say that their basic physical needs were often not met, meaning they struggled to get things like food.
And here’s the other hard part about that… many of those people fall into several categories. 78 of the 100 people on Novel’s Nook have had 0 of those experiences I listed off, or no more than two. What the study found was that of those with 0-2 ACEs, divorce and family member substance abuse were the most prevalent. However, the other 22 of us have multiple ACEs that we experienced. I personally count as a marker for 5 of those categories. I’m not going to say which 5, but the what Kaiser found was that people with 3+ aversive childhood events tended to have a lot more health issues when they got older, and were a lot more likely to abuse substances.
Which stands to reason. Happy people don’t use heroin. I have never worked with a substance user that was like “Oh, I use Heroin because I have such an amazing life!” If they did say that, it was entirely said in sarcasm. People use substances for a variety of reasons, but happiness is not one of them. When working with clients who risked losing their children to DHS custody due to their meth use, I kept hearing over and over and over again ‘I keep using because it makes me feel normal.’
Normal.
Not better.
Not it gets me high and I like it.
It makes me feel normal.
This is why we need to talk about these things. This is why despite the fact that I will struggle again and again and again with some kinds of stories, I think, at the end of the day, they need to be written. Because some of us need to know what it is like to struggle with these issues so we can build an empathy for others. And because others of us need to be reminded that our ‘normal’ may not actually be all that normal.
I still don’t like basements. Hap was right, they are the places that dreams go to die. I still don’t want to write about maternity wards, because it involves delving deeper into my mental basement than I am comfortable with. But I do think that I need to stop practicing the Art of Not Talking About It.
And that takes things like this blog post.
This is a great post. It really is hard to talk about trauma and the practical side of me is glad there’s some sort of scientific reason.
I know that for myself, I end up writing about hard topics before I can talk about them. It’s just so much easier to put everything down on paper. I know I spent a year almost exclusively writing about a particular trauma before I was able to speak about it with some ease. Writing helped me come to terms with it, and talk more openly about it, even if the memory is still painful.
Thanks for writing your post.
Thank you for this, Heartshine. It takes tremendous courage to open up like this.
I don't like to think about how many boxes I check. I doubt anyone does.
This perspective is something missing from the discourse in our art, and it's absence has been sorely felt. I can't wait to see what you tackle here.
Sensible public discourse about subject matter such as this is something sadly lacking in many ways. Bravo, Heart.
I feel... oddly about this. Given the subject matter, though, I suppose feeling normal would be a bad sign.
I often wonder how much of a basement I have to talk about. Sure, I've got stuff down there. But I don't walk around and live my life feeling bogged down by it, or like my load is heavier than I can deal with, and especially not like my experiences are worse than or even compare to stuff I'm aware of that other people have been through, especially since a lot of what's "happened" to me actually happened to my friends and I just experience seeing the fallout. But since feeling like you don't need to talk about it is the problem, how do I know whether or not it's actually not that bad? I could be a mess and not even know it, or I could legitimately be as happy as I think I am. I know it's not a healthy way to think about things, but I'm scared of making light of other people's problems by comparing mine to them, you know?
So I write about mine instead. But that opens up its own can of worms, since I try to make authentic and believable characters but also know I'm giving them experiences I have incredibly biased and skewed personal perspectives toward and can't possibly see objectively. I mean, anyone who reads my stuff will probably be able to notice there are a few topics I keep dancing around... or maybe I just feel like it's obvious because I know. I can never tell.
Thanks for writing this, though. It's always wonderful to hear about psychology from someone who professionally knows what they're talking about.
I'm not sure at the moment what exactly to say, but I thought it would be good to leave a supportive and acknowledgement-of-listening comment. So... here it is.
And good luck, definitely, with focusing less on that particular art.
Interesting. But, well, it's a piece on mental health by a professional and had... at least some ties to writing, so I shouldn't be surprised. To be honest, though, this is the first time I've heard 'basement' used with such connotations. Or, at least, if I've heard it before I don't recall it. Regardless, the 'basement' thing stuck with me the most. Probably cause I've lived in a basement since high school (yay me for fulfilling the old 'loser adult living in their parent's basement' trope...). So the whole “basements were places where dreams go to die” thing is just... alien to me.
But I can understand what you're saying, at least. Definitely a good post, even though I know you're worried it's insufficient in some ways. It's a post that people should read.
Cant't stop liking your posts. Really. Somehow you are nailing my sensitive topics one by one.
In my country life goes more and more towards 1984. While i am white hetero male, but i lost count of stories of people who were abused because they weren't so lucky as me. There are people going to prison because they liked something on the internet, and other things no reasonable person could believe is really happening. Add to this that everyone is squeezing any opportunities, and sometimes even stealing everything they can as if there would be no tomorrow.
I can't even tell one story, because they all kinda mixed into one big story about how bad it is to live here. I guess you just explained that in your post, about how we couldn't talk about something we experienced, through empathy included.
I guess, i'm kind of a victim of a good journalists in a bad place. That's the same place where my parents lived, and the same place where i lived 10 years ago, when i hadn't thought about it as i do now. And it's not really changed, justt now i know more about it.
I'm sorry if i somehow will remind you again, but me and my wife also couldn't have children. Somehow it's going really easy. Mostly because i can't really tell what good i can offer to my hypothetical child. My country as it is sucks. Any enterprise you could start will be sooner or later ruined by some important prick's ignorance and/or greed. Internet could stop working there in a decade because of government paranoia. Colourful equines are fine, but not really a reason to live the whole life, more like a portal to another world...
Well, i don't kill myself, there are still things i can enjoy. But i don't really care about long perspective anymore. And i drink too often.
I worked with a mental health therapist, and it made me feel better, but not really healed everything.
Don't have a basement. Instead, my broken dreams lie in the garage, where i stumble upon them more often, sometimes tripping over them and emitting hate words about having them at all.
Don't really know why i wrote all of this. Guess, i just found some little understanding place. Thanks for providing such. Writing already helps.
Thank you for bringing up this topic of silence that I had never conceptualised in this way, and especially the studies to explain them further. I hope I can hold these things in mind to get some courage myself
and that you keep healthy.
Well spoken. To read this, and know that, is what really matters here.
Every single person you're able to reach, you have a chance to help. Thank you for reaching out.
...Five. Maybe six. I don't think I want to know.
Honestly, when I read through that list, I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. I only check off a single box. (Though honestly, some of my reactions to things confuse a lot of people beyond myself).
But, Heartshine has been kind enough to point out that it's far more in-depth than just a list. The interplay of social development, expectations, and a thousand other things that she's far more qualified to talk about.
I look forward to the next blog where she explores it.
This post is really good. It makes me feel stuff that I don't know how to express because I'm not entirely sure what it is. Which is why I'm trying really hard to explain this as the reason behind not having something better to say here, instead of doing what I want to do and just like, leave a thumbs up or something. Maybe with a stupid joke which is possibly appended with the words "fite me." So like, what I'm trying to say is good job, and I'm glad you wrote this.
4869271
That's the thing about the ACEs study that i didn't cover. Things that happen are still going to affect us. But the other factor that was preventative that they discovered later was how many resiliency factors you have can affect how well you function after experiences averse events. There's other factors involved as well, but that... seemed better suited for a more psychology based blog than one about why people with 0-2 ACEs also can struggle. I erred on the side of oversimplification in this case because I felt I needed to get the words out first, then do some more in depth clarification on stuff if people wanted.
That's the thing about it. I have 5 ACEs, but I also have 9 on the resiliency scale that was created as a follow up. In fact, if you wanted to look up things about resilience, this article does a good job of explaining it. Because it isn't just about the bad things that happen to us. It's about the support we get when bad things happen. And there are always a variety of other factors that can make life hard. ADHD, for example, has a developmental component to it, but biology and genetic components as well. Not everyone who has ADHD also has some severe developmental wounds that happened as a very young child, just as not everyone who has said issues goes on to develop ADHD.
I think the big thing to remember when it comes to writing (which I am sad to say I horribly neglected in this blog) is to remember that every character's individual experiences are going to be unique, and it may require a unique set of solutions for them to get through the dark spaces in their lives. How Twilight handles a situation is going to be very different from Sunset, and, honestly, if you're sticking your characters in therapy, play with the fact that they are a unique person! Sometimes therapists get stuck in the 'one size fits all' idea, and the truth is that it doesn't. And because it doesn't, that's what gives you as a writer room to explore how your character can adapt and adjust to their life experiences.
4869103
Basements, garages, hall closets... I think we all have them in some ways. That said, I'm... glad it was helpful. That's been the general message I've gotten about it, and despite the anxiety I have about people responding to it, I'm glad it's... making people thing, or at the very least giving them the space to talk about things.
Thank you for another interesting read, gave me a lot to think about. I can't imagine how tough it must have been to write this.
You know, I first read this blog during a short break at work, and thought to myself that I will make a comment when I'll have the time later. I wanted to write something about how I hadn't exactly been through much trauma and don't really have a basement, just wanted to offer a short praise for the article, something like that... but as I've sat down to it, I realized that there is one thing that I probably won't ever write about in any of my stories (well, as far as I can think off now, there might be more things burried deeper), or at least, not without being very conflicted and uncomfortable about it, and it is very related to something I had been through sometime ago.
Like I've mentioned, I hadn't really been through much of a trauma, by all accounts I had a moderately happy life (I mean, my parents divorced when I was still a kid/early teen, but at this age that's not very uncommon). Some more... unhappy things in my life are basically because of my own doing, like my "secluded lifestyle", so I don't think such things count (especially since I don't do much to change it; I like being by myself, most of the time anyway). And this one thing that I've mentioned, well, I don't like thinking about it as a trauma, as it doesn't really compare to things other people have been through (like the ones you've brought up), and it basically boils down to me being an idiot. But yes, I know that it's not how it really works... Anyway, even though I doubt I will be completely over it anytime soon, I did get better, eventually. Helped to write about it on a blog post when it got the worst, all the things coupled together and overwhelmed me for a bit; my readers' comments under it had cheered me up, all of them were very supportive and sympathetic.
However, despite that, I don't think I could put any of my characters through something similar, I just... wouldn't want to put anybody through it. And I hadn't even realized that it probably is because of that. Not that I was a fan of such plot developments in stories before, mind you, but it might have been possible for me back then to consider having them in my own stories. Now I probably won't, and I can't help but wonder if both my writing and myself won't "suffer", so to speak, because of that.
Anyway, as I said, interesting read. Wish I could comment properly on everything you've covered, but most of it is a little over my head at the moment. The closest I could discuss is empathy, how I'd get derpressed over fates of several fictional characters, (and how I don't recall experiencing similar reaction to stuff happening to real people too often, which probably means I have some issues), buuut that feels like something for some other time
PS: How come there isn't an option to leave a like on blog posts here?
4869296
Well, that's not a magical mystery cure. Just a bit of a fresh air, but it's nice to have those.
I wonder what should happen so i could feel everything whole again. Right now i'm thinking there isn't such a thing.
Like Threnody's scars that'll stay there.
I guess i know what to draw next.
4869417
There really isn't a magical cure, sadly. I think that sometimes a part of us gets left behind after things happen, and yeah, we do struggle with that for the rest of our lives. To be honest, that's... why I've been writing Speak. While it starts off with the premise of helping 'fix' Blackjack, there really isn't any fixing her. There is getting her moving, and helping her figure out how to cope. That's really more what the story has been about so far.
We're always going to carry our scars with us. How much we let their existence effect our lives is up to us to decide.
Hm.
I learned something today.
I will have to chew on this a bit and come back to it.
4869290
There's a pernicious but pervasive myth that "everything that can be written, has been written". (There are deep reasons why so many people find this comforting--it has to do with the universal appeal of idealism and over-simplification--but I've already got a sequence of over a hundred blog post drafts in progress to explain that whole mess, so I won't try here.)
I think, rather, that most of the difficult things humans go through have never been written about clearly in a story. A lot of the time it's because these are stories that people don't want to tell and other people don't want to hear. And because, as you show, the people who are most-qualified to write about these things are often those least willing to write about them.
I don't know if it will help you to write about your basement. But I think it can help other people. We've had civilization for thousands of years, yet we still don't have a firm grasp on what it is to be human. Especially in the modern world, when it's so much easier to hide things from each other, and we know the characters of movies and TV shows intimately while our neighbors are strangers to us. Somebody needs to show us what's in the basement.