Everything Wrong with The Albinocorn in One Blog or Less · 9:39pm Mar 22nd, 2018
I type like I talk, fast, filled with lots of errors, 'um,' and ellipsis, and often dissolves into a ramble. This is pretty much going to be a ramble. My sister told me whenever I'm feeling down or have a lot on my mind, I should write it all down. And because that's been a common thing amidst my friends recently, here it as a blog post I may or may not hit enter for.
This is just me. No Sunset to hide behind. No show or flare. Maybe some poor attempts at comedy. I'm just going to be real. A long ramble about who I am, where I've been, and where I'd like to go. Will this accomplish anything? Probably not. I don't why I'm doing this. Most of you are strangers on the internet, I shoulnd't care what you think. But I do, a lot. So here I am.
I'm not good at expressing emotions. Blame my father. Thanks to him, I'm half Vulcan (oh look, there's the poor comedy). So yeah, this is me opening some wounds and seeing what happens. Please, honestly, I'm just typing to type. Don't feel obligated at all to read this, most of it might just me be whining. I really don't know.
Where do I even start with this? Is this like therapy? I don't know how people do this. If you've been following me for like, a year, you know when I'm feeling bad, I just say 'I'm feeling bad' then I disappear. I do that in real life too. I tend to run from problems instead of facing them head on. I'm a pacifist. More than that, I just don't have a spine. Why? I'll get back to you on that. That's not me running, I just don't know.
Maybe it's because, when I do stand up, I lose. Every time. Maybe it's because, even when I was a kid, someone was always there to tell me I was wrong or my ideas were dumb. Maybe because, my whole life, there's always been someone better than me at everything. My entire life, I've never risen higher than second place. So why bother fighting when I know I can't win?
Self-programming! I have trained myself to be a defeatist! Why let someone else kick me when I can just kick myself? Which is why, deep down, I think everything I make actually sucks. I've dug myself a hole, and I stay in that hole, because if I come out of the hole, someone's going to kick me back into the hole. So why not just live in it? I mean, the sun comes in which is me going 'hey, you know what would be a great idea?' Then I write it and post it and then think, 'boy Aj, that was dumb!'
I have a problem.
Okay, maybe that's extremist, I'm not in that mindset 100% of the time. I just think it's easier to already accept my stuff is trash because it makes the incoming criticism easier to swallow. I'm not great at taking criticism. Which, oh boy, did I pick the wrong profession! I want to be able to handle criticism, but my tiny and fragile ego just melts and goes 'yeah, they're right, you're trash.'
Which is weird, because I consider myself an optimist, just not for myself. You're all great! I'm sure you're all good at something! I'm just a cheerleader, and even then, I'm good at doing that. I can't give good advice. I have no sagely wisdom. Why am I going to be on panels at EFNW? I can't give advice on writing. I can listen really well. Nod my head and tell people, it'll be okay.
All my friends have depression, or anxiety, or insomnia, or have some traumatic experience. I have none of that. Which I should be grateful. And I am. Somehow, it also makes me feel like shit. Because I can't help them? Because somehow, I feel like a jackass for having a pretty stress free life. My worst moment was in the middle of my parents divorce where they were screaming at each other over who got to keep me. But even then, look that's proof both my parents love me. Some of my friends don't even have that.
I am constatnly comparing myself to everyone. And I think that is my biggest flaw! I am comparing myself to others, and I always come up short. Someone's problems are always worse than mine, so I don't talk about my problems. So then it becomes bottled up and I have to do stuff like this. Someone's writing is better than mine, so then I have to stop, reevaluate why I'm here and force myself to remember it's not a competition. And I know it's not a competition (otherwise I would have lost already, haha!), but... I... just... keep doing it. Keep wondering how they got so good. Novel Idea has work, kids, and life smacking him in the face constantly, and can write 50,000 words a month. And they're good words. What the fuck is my excuse?
And I'm in the hole again.
Is self-deprivation clinical? Or is it really just all in my head? I want to think positively about myself and my writing. And deep down, i think i do. Kind of? okay, see, I want to not do that! I want to say 'yes' and now follow-up with maybe. I want to be able to like at myself and say you're a good writer' and not just 'you're... not terrible.'
Monochromatic had a post similar to this in December where she talked about something similar in a much more eloquent way (and I'm doing it again). After which, we talked for a long while. It was a good talk. Positive thinking isn't just a switch you can turn on. It takes effort. But what do you do when you don't even have the energy to make the effort?
That's where I am right now. I don't have the energy to look at my writing right now. Like, I want to. But I really don't want to. Because I'm not good enough? Because I feel like I'm fading into obscurity so why bother? My last three stories struggled to get to a hundred upvotes. No one cares what I write anymore.
Which isn't true! Even if it isn't a lot, a hundred is still a hundred! That's one hundred people who like my writing. Why isn't that enough? Because I'm comparing myself to other writers. It feels like they're getting better, they're gaining traction, while I'm stagnant.
But taking a break won't help! That just puts me even further behind! But it's not a competition! So I just keep writing and be happy. But not I'm happy. Because I'm not good. But it's in my head. But I want to get better. But I can barely handle criticism. So how do I get better? And will that actually make me happy?
I'm surprised I sleep at night.
Positive thinking is an effort. And I want to make that effort. I just don't have the energy to do it. I don't how to do it. I've spent my whole life making sure I stay in my hole so no one else can push me in. I feel like, if I climb out, then I'm going to get an ego, an honest, swollen head ego, and I don't want that. And I know there's a middle ground. Where I can think good about myself and not be obnoxious. But there's still that fear of someone kicking me back down.
So what has all of this amounted to? Fuck if I know. I'm not good at this. But I rambled. I said things. Probably forgot some things. Could say other things, like what started this particular spiral in the first place. But this blog is long enough. Now I have something to refer back to whenever I need to evaluate what the heck is wrong with me. Which I know isn't a lot compared to other people (doing it again) but at least it's in the air.
And it's not even 3. The heck am I supposed to do for the rest of the day?
(Should I even hit 'post'? This is dumb. Why should anyone even care? Just hit enter. Delete it later. Haven't even posted and I think this is a dumb idea.)
Full disclosures!
Just know this:
Even if you don't love you, we do.
I sympathize completely because I'm the exact same way. I've resigned myself to never know love because I'm quietly assured that no girl will ever be interested in me that way. I've resigned myself to being a social outcast because my attutude turns people away from me. I've faced the possibility of resigning myself to menial jobs and giving up my dream of working in television. I haven't fallen into that pit yet and do everything I can to stay clear of it. Not an easy task since I'm one of those guys who begins thinking about things and keeps thinking about them, spending an hour concocting scenarios in my head about what I'd do if something should happen even when it won't happen. Like a manager calling me out on something I did at work, I'll spend the 45 minutes I have to put together a stock list thinking over how that would play out.
I'm fortunate enough to have very loving and understanding parents who I will unironically call friends, and they don't ask for rent though I help as they need it. So who am I to complain about self-pity and deprecation and personal problems? I'll tell you who - I'm the guy who has been called stupid, pathetic, and a failure by teachers. Teachers, plural. I was held back two grades in high school and didn't graduate until I was 20. I've never had a birthday party with friends because my birthday is in August and outside of school no one ever talks to me. I'm the guy who moved or changed schools every other year until high school so I never had a chance to make real friends with people I know. It was in high school finally that I got a small circle of friends, and even that's being generous, more I found a group of people that tolerated me enough to let me sit with them and chat with them at lunch.
I'm not trying to make this about me, I'm explaining this because I know exactly where you're coming from. When you have friends who have problems in their lives and your life is comparatively normal and carefree, it can be hard to remember your problems are still problems. Having a friend who can't leave their house due to physical disabilities, or suffers from depression, does not devalue your problems in any way. You are a human being. You have a right to love and be loved, to speak out and be heard, to look for help among friend and family and receive it.
So, what helped me get over my self-esteem issues? The cynical part of my brain would say I sank so far down I popped in from the top, resigning myself to failure in some areas let me make peace with my shortcomings and focus my attention on successes I deem more plausible. The optimistic part of my brain would say I went to college and wrote fanfiction, and through my education and my writing I found there are things I am legitimately good at, that people like and respect me for, that I enjoy doing. I realized in this that I have something worthwhile to offer the world. I have value as a person. I am not stupid, I am not pathetic. I matter. People out there care about me. This is why I so very much love feedback on my works and love seeing comments from people that enjoy them. I'm not ashamed to admit that validation is very meaningful to me. The flipside is that sometimes what I post doesn't get much feedback, but those works are the minority.
Alby, you are an amazing talent. You have written novel-length stories with emotion and depth and scope that rival anything published in a bookstore. That they are based on a colorful cartoon horses does not devalue their creativity nor yours. When you branch into original writings someday, you will succeed, I promise you that. Have faith in yourself. I do, and so do at least 1850 other people. We love you, we love your works, and we know you will do great things in literature someday. You have proven beyond question you have that potential. Let us pull you out of that spiral of self-deprecation and pity and get you back on your hooves.
I know my comment will just be the first of dozens you will receive trying to cheer you up. I hope they work for you as they do for me.
i enjoy your stories i would Evin say i love your and ya they may struggle and people may not like them but then you have people like me who love them and i know i don't know you and you don't know me but im here to read your stories and i always will be here to read them i enjoy your stories to me their better than art better than songs and art made by masters at what they do because what you do is Wat makes you happy Evin if it is not right now we all have are faults and problems but just do what you love i will be here your other fans will be here to being a brony is not just about the show its true friendship is magic we are here for you to listen when your down and bring a smile when you frown believe in what makes you happy and if you what to just talk or feel sad write it out it helps
Talking about your emotions and inner issues(demonic or otherwise) is never ease. Some ease the pain and the suffering through drinking or smoking...
You smoke A LOT
It's not harmful and it helps me relax with all the CHAOS in my life thank you Starlight...Anyway, other express it through other means like playing their favorite game or writing a story about their favorite character. Everyone is different and what I have learned? Is that you can always find new ways to handle all the emotional chaos as long as you have the will to want the chaos to be under control...cause in of itself chaos isn't always a bad thing. Trust me when I say I know how rough it can be expressing yourself and many of the problems you expressed here? I go through myself and its a BITCH. But you know a silver lining? I know that I'm not alone and that even if only a little, I can help someone else out of their hole if I am already on the way out of my own ^_^
Awwwwww
Awwwwww
Tch you're such a sap
Anyway Alibi, keep your chin up and your eyes high to the stars even if you can't see em; they shine brightly and if you keep your eyes on them? You'll find a way through the dark hole you find yourself in now or in the future. Take it from someone who has experienced enough pain to have awakened the damn Sharingan.
Oooooh brother will you stop with tha-
-SASUKE LEVEL SHARINGAN STARE-
Sorry daddy
That's better...Anyway to conclude? Keep a positive mind and make good friends; do that? and it'll be alright ^_^
You may not think you’re awesome but you’re one of the most influential writers on this site and always a good read in my eyes. So, know that you are indeed appreciated and, if I may be so bold, a damn good person.
Keep being awesome.
Insert basic great big Internet bro hug here.
I know where you're coming from--I have zero self-esteem in real life, and between that and all the HORRIBLE problems I have to contend with, the only way I can deal is by letting my online persona and the accompanying massive ego take over and compensate. In or out of the Moth persona, I'm competitive, impulsive, impatient, temperamental, blunt, and confrontational. I don't hide what I am, even if maybe sometimes I should try.
The real me...is a mess. Like, "lie in bed/sit on the toilet for a solid hour moping about how pathetic I am" mess. On a regular basis.
I don't think I know a single person who isn't coping with a massive ball of neuroses, and you know what? That's okay. Because neurotic people tend to be the most interesting people you'll ever know. And it's groups of neurotic weirdos banding together that even creates something like this community, this fandom.
You are, incidentally, one of my favorite writers on this site. If nothing else, you've at least got that, and I'll always be here to read your latest stuff. :)
I hope getting all that off your chest helped a bit I'm not really good with commenting on these kind of blogs but I have say you're one of my favourite writers on this site. I love reading your newest chapters and stories when their posted especially after a busy night at my job. A lot of your stuff makes me want to be a better writer and I never get tried re reading it. To put it simply you rock.
Honestly, I don't know what to say. I never know what to say in these situations. I'm just some random guy on the internet anyway.
But I read every word of this. And I'll admit that I haven't been keeping up to date with your stories because of life getting in the way, but I have enjoyed every word you've written. You may see yourself as not good by comparing yourself to others, but the truth is, you are fantastic and an inspiration.
I don't even know if I should post this because it probably won't help, and none of these words are right and stuff. But I will, because I want you to know that I know how you feel.
So, um... Well. Stay strong. Everyone is better then they think of themselves.
You may think you are bad, you may think that your stories aren't good.
But at least you try, you have the guts to actually write something and publish it, and you know what?
YOU ARE GREAT!
I honestly enjoy reading and re-reading your stories (sunset of time being my fave).
Just wanting to leave this to say that it's fine.
You might not think that you're a good writer. But I do. From all your ongoing stories I'm currently only following Accross the Shimmering Sea, but I love it and I hope you feel like writing another chapter sometime. I think this comment is quite stupid but I guess I'll follow your example and post it anyway.
There is no 'number one' or 'better than' past a certain point of objectivity. Quantity of writing or volume of mass appeal doesn't mean quality, or guarantee intrinsic value. You shouldn't have to feel apologetic for your experiences in life, whether you have more or less a range of experiences than others.
You're you, you have your own experiences, talents and circumstances, and between your writing and what I can glean of your personality I have the impression you're a good and genuine person.
It's easy to rattle off clichéd pieces of advice like 'be true to yourself', or 'have faith in yourself'. The really weird thing is that it actually really is that simple. I've had to deal with some serious self-worth problems in the last few years, still do from time to time. For the most part I've learned to deal with my problems like this by admitting that I'm not perfect, accepting my flaws and failures, and doubling-down on what I find important and valuable to me. I just wish I knew better how to describe the trick to what I've learned.
You're already doing something incredible by being as prolific and talented as you are. To have something even approaching your ability, quality and renown is something I and many others aspire to. You're the key to your own success.
I wish I could offer some advice on criticism, but your experience with it far exceeds mine, and I tend to have a head-in-the-sand response myself.
Ultimately though, all I want to see is you being the flawed, overthinking, awesome, amazing person you are, doing the cool things you always do, and owning it.
Oh, and I should say I'm really enjoying Spectacular Seven, one of the highlights of my week.
You're pretty ok. I liked that time-travelling Sunset Shimmer story of your.
To be honest, after reading through the comments that are already here I know there's nothing new or meaningful I can add. But I still feel inclined to write this because of the parallels I see to myself and to tell you that I (like everyone else already) care for your wellbeing. And yes, I took the effort to read everything. I know very well how you feel thinking you're nothing special, that everything you create sucks and you don't deserve being among these amazing people. What helps me personally is just appreciating all the small good things in life (playing a good video game, passing an exam you were sure you failed). You're an amazing writer (you wrote one of only two fanfics that made me actually cry) and, if I can take anything from your blogs, you're also a nice and funny person. I'm pretty sure I and many others will pull you out of that hole if necessary (or join you down there, whatever you prefer). And just to tell you how insecure I am, it took me over 30 minutes to write this comment and I re-thought it at least five times, as well as additional 5 minutes contemplating if I should really post this.
You are a talented, respected member of this community. And like most of the talented, respected members of this community, myself included, you don't understand why. You're better than you think you are, and I mean that in terms of both authorial skill and in general. I know reassurance from some text on the Internet won't do much to quiet the doubts in your head, but know that there are people outside of it who disagree with them.
(Also, readership overall seems to have slipped. Just look at the vote ratios of the stories in the featured box.)
First thing's first. Need to set the record straight.
Novel Idea also has a very long time to learn how to put life into words and is so obsessive about writing that he can't even enjoy lunch with friends because he thinks he should be writing. And a dozen other things. I've screwed up my entire family life because of my obsession with writing... and a lot more.
And they're also not good words. They're words that no one sees for over a year because I'm so backed up in my editing. Which I need because I miss SO MANY THINGS.
We all have our torments, Albi. They're relative. Mono's had a different life. You've had a different life. I've had a different life. And something we all do is compare ourselves to everyone around us and go "we're not good enough."
I offer no solution. I'm still looking. Word counts are how I keep score. You don't have to play that game.
You're the reason I'm writing here. Sunset of Time and Long Road to Friendship taught me what's possible in fanfics. I used to look down on it. YOU taught me to think differently. You helped put me on a path that may have very well have saved my life at one point, by putting the pieces in motion to have a support structure during some of the worst times in my life.
Mono and I once talked about our conversation that day. About these horrible things that have happened to us. And we started to make it look like that bad things were REQUIRED to become a good author. You're proof to the contrary. We were wrong.
You have an incredible talent for empathy and kindness. I see it in your stories. Every one of them.
I know what's it's like to be kicked every single day. I've retreated. Hell, I'm still retreating right now. One crisis after another. Some of them are massive real-life problems. Some of them are awkward social situations. Some of them are me being terrified over nothing in my head. But at the time, they all seem like they're going to destroy my world.
You aren't alone. Your experiences have lead you to this place and this time. Your experiences have led to a mess of people wanting to see what you're going to do next. Just look at the comments here. Look at the comments in the Nook.
You're loved by a whole lot of people.
It's something I think everyone needs to remember every now and then.
Reading your writing is what inspired me to really give writing a try, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I can't compete with some of the stuff that's already been said here in the comments, - heck, as I typed this Novel beat me to the 'inspired me to write' thing! - but I just wanted to share my truth. Whether or not you believe it right now, you're an inspiration, and no green or red (but mostly green, let's be honest) thumb-numbers can change that.
I'm sorry you have to deal with all this. And it may not seem like it, but getting all this out for us to listen to and to give you good, encouraging words back can help. I know someone who has depression and anxiety and just listening to them and helping them with kind words helps a lot. I know you're different, but I feel just letting out all the negativity goes a long way to feeling better.
I know it seems rough with so many talented writers out there, but you're just as good if not better. Maybe some stories have trouble getting those hundred votes, but I love every one of them and they make me aspire to keep getting better. It feels tough to deal with when thoughts of competing come around, but you always make people feel better with your stories. Sure, some writers may have more readers, more popularity, and so on, but the ones you have - which is still quite a lot - are touched by you. Writing is to make people enjoy and feel good, and you always deliver.
I wish I could give you a bug bro hug and tell you that you are amazing and everything will get better. This here is the first step to doing so and I hope you felt better doing this. And yes, there are always gonna be people with worse problems in the world than what we think of our own. But that doesn't mean our problems don't deserve to be heard and helped. You matter as much as anyone and your problems deserve to be helped.
You were what made me want to join fimfiction as a member and your stories are the first ones I go to when I need to feel refreshed and inspired. I always eagerly await what you'll publish and I think you are spectacular. I have found so many stories on here that I enjoy because of you. I know I can't do much, but if my words can help you feel better, than I'm so happy for that.
I pray you feel better soon for yourself, that you find joy in what you love and can feel more assured. Thank you for your writing and for coming out to speak honestly. We're all here for you.
Read this, but DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ME. This is just my situation, and I hope you can take something to think about from my words:
You sound very similar to me. I have Asperger syndrome, a form of high-functioning Autism, and as such I have a hard time putting my thoughts and emotions into words, especially verbally. Why do you think I took up The Internet? I also have minor depression/anxiety, and even with my meds I still have down moments like this (usually after a big blow up at nothing, but that's neither here nor there).
I know it's not the most healthy thing to do, but when I start having these thoughts I just push them aside and refocus on what makes me happy. Videos, games, music, novels, fics, a personal project I'm working on. And by the time I'm done, I may not have completely forgotten my troubles, but their impact on me is lessened. And when that happens, I can reshift my focus to my passion project and make progress on it.
I don't know if my method will work for you. Really, I can't ever know because I'm not there with you. But I hope you at least got something out of this post.
I don't know about that, man. Sounds like anxiety or depression to me.
As for the rest, being honest I don't have any advice for getting past this kind of mental block, or self-programmed negativity whatnot. Mostly because I haven't gotten past that kind of stuff myself. But I just want to say this here.
You are legitimately my favorite writer on this site.
Every story of yours that I've read so far I have at least enjoyed, and some of them are among my top favorites ever. You've made a story that has gripped me narratively and made me care on a scale that few stories have. You're genuinely entertaining, not just in your stories, but in the blogs as well. Speaking of the blogs, you are one of two, maybe three people I follow that manage to keep such a level of consistency in informing and communicating with your followers. And yeah, I might be a little biased because you keep putting Sunset Shimmer in your stories, but your writing is seriously incredible. Hell, you made me care about a romance story.
There may be people who will stand at the top of the hole just to wait for the chance to kick you down it again, whether they genuinely dislike you or whether they just get a kick out of it (no pun intended), but there's also always going to be people who are ready and willing to help you back out of that hole.
Albinocorn. Low chance you're gonna read this, and everyone else has already said everything I was considering saying so I won't say any of that inspirational stuff. I will say this: if you enjoy writing, don't stop. You don't have to be trying to set milestones or anything with your writing (I myself am three months overdue on my latest story update), just keep writing. We all enjoy reading your stuff and we want you to be happy, because none of us want to rush you with your stories or any other aspect in your life or tell you you're not adequate enough. Do what you love, and everything else will follow.
And also, I may sometimes be busy, but if you ever need to talk, be it a blog post, a fimfiction message, an email, whatever, you should know that any one of us that are here for you now would be honored to be there for you in the future.
I cant really say anything here that has not already been said. I want to be like the others and write somthing meaningful or insightfull but for me simply writung a comment like this can be hard because I worry how other people will read it. I dont think I will ever get around to posting my story ideas because I have such low confidence in my writing ability. I look at your work however and it brings me so much joy I can never thank you enough. There habe been times where I have literally had to get up and walk around a bit to calm down again before I can keep reading. Woops. Just preased publish before I was finished. My point is that regardless of what you think I and many others truly love your work. Not sure what rlse to say as I really have nkt thought this out at all so ill just go with what i seem to be saying all the time because I so truly mean it, Thank you. Thank you for sharing your stories with us.
Let's put this short:
1. Your writing is the biggest reason for why I think Sunset is best Human. You are good. The Frank approves.
2. Even people that don't suffer from any kind of condition have the right to feel like shit, and they are also permitted to want support for it.
3. I have been in that place where you are. Hug. I also wasn't going to give you advice, but I'very changed my mind. Talk about it. Don't try to push it down. Talk, scream, cry, let the damn thing out! This blog is an excellent start.
4. Worst part: no one else but you can get yourself out of this situation. But I believe in you. I think all those who wrote here, even Wlam, does.
I belive in you, Albi.
Everything GREAT about the Albinocorn In One Comment or Less.
You're a wonderful writer who has brought a lot of people an immense amount to joy. You've probably helped more people than you know simply by being you. Your stories have inspired me, they've helped me, I've even had trouble breathing from how hard you've made me laugh. When one of my cats died, one of your stories updated and I read it, and it helped. I smiled. I smiled when I felt I never could again. You might not be perfect, but none of us aren't either. See, a lot of people like bringing the,selves or characters down, breaking the, bringing them to their lowest point. I'm the opposite. I prefer to hoist people up, bring people joy, even if it's at my own expense. I like seeing people happy. I like seeing those I care about smile. You might have flaws, but a diamond in the rough is still a diamond. You are a wonderful person, Albinocorn. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Because even if you don't believe in yourself, guess what? We do, we care about you. All of us. You're a better man than most, Alibi. Don't you ever forget that.
You're a good writer. 1800 people who followed you can prove it
One more thing I'd like to say - never compare yourself to other people, only to yesterday yourself. And if you did better, it's all that matters
I'm really sorry that you feel this way, and I know that there's nothing that I or anyone else can say to magically make you feel better...and I have no idea if I should say this or if it's going to do you any good but if there's any chance that it will I'll tell you what I never thought that I'd admit.
I envy you.
I envy you so damn much because you are everything that I wanted to be. You, sir, are a true talent. Everything that you write turns to gold and from the outside you don't seem to make a single misstep.
So you only got around a hundred upvotes? Well if you wanted a ton of upvotes you should be writing meme-filled, pandering crap for the applause of the seals in the peanut gallery but you're not, because you're an artist. You have vision and you execute that vision with warmth, heart, humour, the whole spectrum of emotions. Your writing is funny, it's dramatic, it's...everything.
You are a great writer, and the fact that you can't beleive that doesn't make it any less true.
You are a great writer and it would be a crying shame if you forgot that.
I have an ego the size of a whale despite persistent efforts to not. I suspect I'm fit to give perspective from what you would see as the other side. What I've found is this: humility is overrated. Humility is overrated for the same reason that "it's not a competition". Humility ends up being about judging yourself relative to others and finding yourself, regardless of the reality of the situation, to be lacking. Humility is demotivating, and it's unfair to the (many) parts of you that put so much effort into being a better person.
Having an ego doesn't have to mean being an ass or being closed-minded. The world isn't so simple that "merely" being exceptional precludes you from learning profound new things from other people's perspectives. You don't have to be humble to take other people seriously or to keep yourself open to growing.
You are genuinely an exceptional writer. You have exceptionally compelling stories to tell. You have exceptional insight into what it takes to make a key moments resonate. You have exceptional touch in writing characters. You are by far the most consistently good author of all my favorite authors. Second place doesn't even come close. You've also written my current favorite fic out of the 300+ I've read on this site. You've also written the most emotionally intense fic I've ever read.
On a more personal note, I spend a lot of time thinking about your stories. It's difficult to overstate just how much I've learned from them, mostly about myself.
Acceptance of yourself requires an understanding of yourself and your virtues. Think of the kinds of things you wish you saw more of in other people. Integrity, self-reflection, dedication, a willingness to listen, a genuine desire to do the right thing. (Do you wish other people were more talented? No? Then it's probably not that important.) Think of the things on this list that you have, and be honest rather than humble. If you have enough things on that list, then there's at least one person that should be happy to have someone like you in the world, namely yourself.
That was quirky, but the point is that when it comes to being the kind of person you want people to be, "being the best" probably isn't even on the radar. "Being the best" isn't important, it isn't feasible, and it probably isn't even grounded in reality. If you want to be a better writer, it's more productive to think of what you want your writing to do. Maybe it should inspire people to have integrity, dedication, and a genuine desire to do the right thing. Maybe it should inspire self-reflection and epiphanies. Maybe those things matter more than "being the best".
The hole, I know it well. It's comfortable, safe, and unfathomably miserable. It sounds like you've realized that staying there is making you unhappy and fearful, which leaves you with a choice. You can stay there and continue to be unhappy and fearful, or you can try to climb out. I can assure you the second option is both a lot harder and a lot more rewarding. I can also tell you a lot of people don't really try to climb out of their holes. Life in the hole may suck, but it sometimes seems preferable to leaping into the unknown. It's not really a decision anyone else can make for you. Though I am willing to bet that a lot more people than you think would be more than happy to give you a hand up if you decide you want to climb out. I bet most of them wouldn't mind pounding the people who try to kick you back down either. You've touched a lot of lives with your writing, Albi. We honestly want you to be happy, whatever that means to you.
While I'm here, I'd like to offer some advice on criticism. Admittedly I don't always take it well either, but I feel it requires some perspective. There are good criticisms and bad criticisms. Good criticisms are things like telling you how you could tighten up a story line, or clarify a point. People are leaving these because they see your potential. They believe in you and want you to get better. It may not feel like it, but the people who leave these care about your work. On the other hand, I've seen a lot of criticism on this site that is bad criticism. A lot of that is stuff like, "I have a different headcanon, so your story is bad." This isn't worth your mental energy. Put it out of your head. You are already one of the most talented writers on this site and you are only going to get better. We're all rooting for you.