For Those That Yearn for Adventure #25: "Respite," "More Than Angel," and "Daring Do and the Weapon of the Ancients" · 1:51am Jun 16th, 2016

The most recent Write-Off, concerning the phrase "In Over Your Head," has concluded, and it has shown me that I've got a lot of work to do before I'm a competent writer. With a lot of encouragement, though, I feel oddly optimistic about it. Looking at what people had said, as well as all of my other stories, I believe that I've identified my single largest writing problem: I don't establish the stakes.

I write conflicts and I see to it that they happen, but I don't establish why they're important, which more often than not leaves my writing feel lackluster. I don't get the importance of what I'm writing into it because I'm always focused on making it seem logical, making it sound right, and making sure things happen, without making sure what's happening is important to the story and characters. That's something I'm going to attempt to establish as I practice my writing from here on out.

While I do that, I'm going to be looking at other stories, seeing how they do—or do not—establish their stakes, as well as look at the stories as a whole. I'm going to begin with three, and see where it goes from there.

I’d also like to say that for IJAB, Grif and FanOfMostEverything, my criticisms against your stories aren’t meant to discourage you. They’re meant to explore what the stories have done. I’m not a good writer, and am merely trying to learn from others. Please take what I say with a grain of salt.

Let's get started.

Respite
by IJAB
Year Published: 2012 (after Magic Duel)
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 4,781
Twilight Sparkle is one of Celestia's Elite Units meant to use her magical training and skills to eliminate potential threats and keep Equestria safe. However, when she tries to capture Trixie, something causes her to have a sharp change of heart.

Will Twilight manage to capture Trixie? Will Trixie manage to escape? How will Twilight deal with her change of heart?

From the comments, I've gathered that this was meant to be the beginning of a longer story, but was put as a standalone. IJAB had thoughts to expand this into a longer story. I'm mentioning this because I can imagine this being the beginning of a great series, and what's here is alright. As a standalone story, though, I don't think it works.

The big question for me is this: does this story establish its stakes? I would say not really. The gist of the story is a magic duel between Twilight and Trixie in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Trixie's motivation is her life and/or freedom, while Twilight's motivation seems to be to fulfill a mission given by Princess Celestia.

"Well well well, look who we have here." Twilight muttered as she approached her apprehended target. "Looks like you're days wreaking havoc across Equestria are over. It would also appear that Celestia over estimated your abilities." As she spoke, she pulled a small scroll out from a small satchel securely strapped to her flank. It possessed a picture of Trixie along with a description of her crimes and her level of danger, she was ranked as a level five threat, as dangerous as they come.

Unfortunately, I had a lot of trouble getting into this story because the motivation seems to be jumpily elusive. The beginning doesn't establish what's going on, what rapport either of the mares have within their world, why Trixie's risking her life in Ponyville for her hat and cape, how murder shaped Trixie, how Twilight views Trixie, how Trixie views Twilight—there's a lot missing. I'm trying to be fair and consider that the reason these things aren't explained is to provide mystery for the rest of the story, or to let the descriptions and later exposition explain what's going on. The issue I have with this is that the characterization, dialogue and plot don't reveal a lot about the situation. At least not in my opinion.

The bulk of the story is focused on the duel between the two, and to be fair, it's a well-written fight, It bounces around a lot to keep things exciting without losing too much focus, has a lot of really good descriptions, and has a lot of smart pacing. If this weren't written with two third-person POVs, I would've said this was phenomenal (I'll get to that later). You can understand how dangerous Trixie is, how desperate Twilight is, how skilled they both are, and how claustrophobic their surroundings are. It reveals a lot. The fight scene is great writing from IJAB.

Now for everything else that I don't think works. There appears to be no reference to Twilight and Trixie's dealings in the past, so I wonder if this was meant to take place in an alternate universe. The banter between them doesn't have either the hope for redemption or confusion from Twilight, or the jealousy and spite from Trixie (I also think Twilight'sn dialogue was OOC). Trixie's excuse to go into the Everfree Forest seemed very weak, and it's not referenced again. I can't think of anything that worked before the fight.

The POV switches between Twilight and Trixie, and it makes the story feel confused. Take a look at these two paragraphs, the second and third in the story:

In the distance there was a large treeless patch of grass near a small pond. With a distrustful glance over her shoulder, she walked into the clearing. The moon beamed down like never before, Trixie almost felt the need to shield her eyes as she looked upon it's vivid surface, caught under it's alluring and entrancing spell.
Twilight Sparkle stood behind the trees, out of sight. With her horn already glowing, she silently levitated herself to a branch overlooking the clearing with the captivated unicorn staring up at the moon. She closed her eyes and her horn began to produce an intense heat as it sparked. With a bright flash and a snapping sound, her horn erupted into bright magical flames while simultaneously sending constricting tendrils jutting from the ground beneath Trixie. Like ferocious purple vines, they wrapped around the unicorn's entire body and pulled her tightly against the forest ground. A smaller glowing vine tied itself tightly around her horn, most likely inhibiting her use of magic.

That seems very clumsy to me. The switch doesn't diminish the importance of either mare, but it does blunt the impact for either of their stories. It leaves out the mystery on either of their sides, so there's nothing to really wonder about, except for who's going to win the duel. What I'm trying to get at, is that the constant switching makes the story far less interesting than it could've been, had it stuck with one of them at the moment.

The last part of it, where Twilight and Trixie fuse as one for a moment (I won't completely explain) honestly seemed both confusing and convenient. I didn't fully understand what was happening, but what I did understand, I felt deprived the rest of the story of a powerful moment. Twilight understands what Trixie's going through, not by seeing Trixie be merciful at the last moment, nor by listening to her spout out her last words of anger/mercy, but rather through invading her mind. It doesn't give the characters the necessary interactions to either bond or come to an understanding, I don't think. The change of heart at the very end seems to be a bit too forceful. I can understand Twilight wanting to give Trixie a second chance, but she pushed a lot for it, while Trixie pushed to be arrested. It seemed like the characters were being too forceful too early. I think the closest thing I can come to, to explaining this, is that both characters seemed too sure about what they wanted, instead of confronting their confusion with skepticism and discombobulation. It was all weird.

The stakes are established for Trixie, but not throughout the entire story. It's hard to side for or against her, considering the POV shifts. And when Trixie gives up, there's no visible signs of confusion or restraint (that I could pick up on) within the story, so I couldn't buy it in the end. Twilight's stakes are far less established, and her characterization and dialogue were confusing enough that I couldn't understand what role she had here. The overall problem I had with this story isn't that the stakes are weak; it's that the story's too confusing to grasp what's going on.

Still, the fight scene is a really good one, and I recommend that for anyone looking for smart fight scenes.

Grammar-wise, this one's got a few problems. There are typos scattered around a noticeable amount of times, the most common one being its/it's mix-ups. The prose itself seems to cramp too much into its paragraphs, and the POV shifts makes it worse.

Take all of my comments for what they're worth. I did think the fight scene was great, and this has potential to branch into a great adventure. As its own thing, though, it doesn't work for me.

More Than Angel
by Grif
Year Published: 2012 (before Just for Sidekicks)
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 6,365
Angel seemed like any other pet bunny a pony would have. A little odd, maybe, but otherwise perfectly ordinary. But what kind of life does he have beneath that innocent cover?

What sort of life does Angel have? Will he get in trouble for it? Will he do good? Is he an adorable lovable creature that does everything he can to safeguard Fluttershy and her friends?

Anyway,

Does this story establish the stakes? A little bit. It's clear from the beginning that Angel has a grudge against someone, and it's clear what sort of work he does. With the lack of dialogue and development, especially for a first-person story, I didn't feel much for what was going on. I was intrigued, and wanted to know how he was going to pull off what he meant to pull off; the story just didn't seem intricate enough, or had enough planning within the story, for me to truly feel like this was important to Angel.

I will say this: the story does a remarkable job of showing how related the animals all are to each other. This came out before Just for Sidekicks, so there's some more freedom to characterize all of the ponies' pets. The intricacies of how they acted, and how Angel viewed them, was all really entertaining. It gave each of the ponies' pets (Peewee not included) an importance, and a personality, and it was great. The other characters were also enjoyable, although if I had to nitpick, I would question why Fluttershy would need to pack in order to go to the spa. It makes no sense to me.

The plot's tight-knit, and the action's high-octane. It feels like, to spoil some of the story, an undercover detective or spy story. Angel's somewhat of the mastermind of this story, though I don't think the story took that particular thread of characterization far enough. The characters all have some dialogue that doesn't seem to fit the situation—especially Owlowiscious! I mean good grief! He says "Who!" instead of "Who!" What sort of insensitive, cobbled-up mess———

I'm only joking, of course.

I wasn't joking about the odd dialogue, though, between the pets. I can't say much about the other characters except that their dialogue is pretty good.

The setting is also set up with a lot of wit. Everything, from props to locations to even characters has a smart placement to it. It really feels like the world is immersive, and that everything that's happening is actually happening in these locations. It's not just a void with a backdrop of thne setting; I'm not sure if it makes sense, but everything feels three-dimensional. And that's a good thing, in my book.

If everything seems so elaborate and tightly-woven, why did I complain that the story didn't have enough intricacy or development? All of that hinges on the major choice that has to be made. To spoil a major plot point, Angel is faced with a decision between Fluttershy and what he set out to accomplish in the entire story. This is a good dilemma for him at this point of the story. The problems I have with it are thus:

1. There isn't enough before this moment to suggest that considering the former choice will have any impact. There's not a lot of love that I picked up on, nor is there enough detachment from the former choice for it to seem trivial to him at first. With that being said, there's not enough information for Angel to even be swayed.
2. There's not enough known about the latter to make it seem like he would consider the latter. This is the same problem as the first one, only with the OC. There's not enough of a connection made between Angel and the OC for me to feel like chasing it is important, nor is there enough known about the organization he works for for me to feel like this is important for all of Equestria, or even to him. I just didn't get the connection between Angel and the main object of desire.
3. He chooses immediately. This is something that I've found really irritates me. Whenever there's a major decision or sacrifice that has to be made, it seems like a lot of authors make the character choose the "right" choice immediately in order to make them seem more noble, without considering what each choice means to the character. I'll grant the story that Angel tries to achieve both, but when the moment comes where he absolutely must pick one, his choice is immediate. And without my getting to know his relationship with either choice, I can't get to understand how hard it is.

Those are the problems I have with the pivotal moment. The story has a lot of good things, but it doesn't have the proper development to give the final choice any impact.

I can say that I don't recall any grammar errors. The first-person POV does seem too detached for its own good, perhaps reporting things too directly and depriving us of the connection with him. I think, if I recall properly, that the story uses show-don't-tell to its detriment, letting the details do the talking without giving us enough of a connection with Angel's own exposition and view of things. But that could just be me.

Take my comments for what they're worth. I do think that the characterization, plot, action, worldbuilding and prose are all really good. I just think it didn't have enough development to justify the choice at the end, and that the prose was too literary and not personal enough to warrant the first-person POV. But that could all just be me.

Daring Do and the Weapon of the Ancients
by FanOfMostEverything
Year Published: 2015
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 4,668
There are a lot of relics, artifacts, and other ancient items of power strewn throughout the world. I should know; I've found safe homes for a lot of them, and even destroyed a few. A good rule of hoof is that the older it is, the more powerful it is. Not because it's old, but because it's survived that long, either because of its own toughness or the defenses its creators put around it.

The Weapon of the Ancients predates written language. Ahuizotl wants it for himself. I can't let that happen.

What is the Weapon of the Ancients? What does Ahuizotl want with it? Can Daring Do stop him from getting it?

I must say that this is a contest entry, and I’ve always felt uncomfortable reviewing contest entries. I always feel like what complaints I have is because of restrictions in the contest, so the author more likely than not has no control over it. And I don’t know how much FanOfMostEverything changed in the version he published on this site. So please keep in mind that the criticisms I do have with it may’ve been because of the contest’s restrictions.

With that being said, does the story establish its stakes? Yes, it does. Ahutzitl wants an omnipotent weapon for himself, and Daring Do must stop him to preserve Equestria and archaeology. That’s simple enough, and even though there’s not a lot in here, Daring Do does a good job of reinforcing that importance. I do think the stakes fall with how little worldbuilding there is, as well as a particular scene in the middle of the story. I’ll get to that later.

If you’ve read the first two reviews here, then let me say this: the first person POV is handled remarkably here. There’s a lot of information, exposition, character, wit and consistency of tone. It’s a vibrant POV that doesn’t loaf about with Daring’s personal feelings—not what the story’s about, anyway—but not refraining from letting us get to know her better. One particular note is that the comedy here is really nice. I’d dare to call it brilliant, simply because of how the language itself conveys it. I can’t complain much about the POV, really.

Speaking of Daring Do, there’s a lot of characterization here coming simply through her dialogue. Daring’s a business-oriented pony who can understand the importance of matters, is knowledgeable enough to understand different angles on things, and isn’t so smug as to refrain from getting mystified at capuchin legends.

The wise, noble capuchin

The other characters that get attention also have delightful, distinct characterization, and they lend themselves to the action in unique and exciting ways. It feels like a proper Indiana Jones adventure, without the smarmy backstabber (yeah, spoilers, I know. Forgive me).

The action is scarce, but when it’s there, it’s exhilarating, though admittedly over really quickly. It’s apparent that FoME (or however he prefers it) can write good, tense action, and what’s there is snappy and gets the plot going. Daring relates what’s happening with brisk, simple-enough detail, making for a good adventure. I couldn’t help, though, but feel that what was happening was happening too quickly. The fall from the plane seemed to whiz by, the journey from the jungle to the mountain seemed to whiz by, and I felt that Daring meeting Ahuizotl was abrupt; it greatly confused me when it happened. I don’t know if it was the word restriction or not, but the action seemed great, but really choppy.

The worldbuilding is, in my opinion, the story’s biggest problem. It struck me as odd how little the capuchin monkeys were involved in the story, even though they were familiar with the Weapon, and were actively involved with it. There wasn’t any surprise that Daring Do wanted to seek it out, no anger that Ahuizotl wanted to get his grubby hands on it, not capuchins just wandering about. When she and Ahuizotl go off to Mount Peligroso, I couldn’t imagine what Ahuizotl was doing to it with his relics. I may’ve read it improperly, but it was very hard for me to follow.

Don’t get me wrong, the stakes are there, and they are persistent. I just think the story moved too quickly for how much it offered. I feel like with more reactions from the capuchins, and some more insight into the splendor of Mount Peligroso, maybe even some traps in the jungle to prevent travelers from going to the mountain (or even some more insight into how ponies had been tricked into thinking the mountain was natural), I think the weight of the Weapon would’ve created a lot more tension.

But that could just be me.

I will say this: the ending is fantastic. From the infiltration of the base, to the ride home, it’s all just glorious. It puts a new and fitting twist on the hunt for ancient treasure, and it fits the universe. It’s hilarious! It references multiple things happening throughout the story beforehand. I don’t know what else to say about it, other than it’s glorious.

A quick note on the grammar: I didn’t find anything I could consistently point out. The first-person POV is utilized well, and there’s a lot of wit to it. The prose is smooth and offers a lot of information.

That’s all I’ve got to say about this story. It’s a very entertaining story, with a smart protagonist, good action, and excellent prose. I just think it’s too short for its own good, not allowing for a stellar amount of action or worldbuilding. But that’s just me. Take it for what it’s worth.

If You Yearn For More Adventure
#1: Fluttershy20’s “Last of the Dragonlords
#2: Toixstory’s “Freeze Frame”
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
November 10th: The Lone Crusader by Cute Reality
November 11th: The Frozen West by Cozy Mark IV
November 12th: A Rumble in Time by Lab Matt AND Broken Roads by Not_A_Hat
November 13th: Pip by Invictus
November 14th: Raiders of the Cutie Mark by DJLowrider
November 15th: The Ancient Heart of the Everwood Dragon by Grey Faerie
November 16th: The Motion of the Stars by Carabas
November 17th: Complaints Department by TheDarkStarCzar
November 18th: Height by PoweredByTea
November 19: Blue Steel Railway by writer
November 20th: device heretic's "And the Temptress Came Unto Her" and Glimmerglaze's "It's Also About Time"
#23: Imploding Colon’s “Austraeoh”
#24: cosmicbiscuit's "Fire Opals"