For Those That Yearn for Adventure #20 (11/18)—PoweredByTea's "Height" · 8:05am Nov 21st, 2015
Three of four blogs I'm putting up today. I apologize if this one fails to do the story justice.
Sometimes, we need to push our friends to try and do something new, to break from their daily routine and do something amazing. Sometimes, that can go horribly wrong.
This is a story that has a character try to help another character have adventure, and it goes horribly wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
Height
by PoweredByTea
Year Published: 2014
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 10,382
Up at the top of the sky, where the air is thin and the mares' tails clouds drift, a pegasus can find peace. It’s a place every pegasus should visit, but a place Rainbow knows the earthbound Fluttershy has never been. A tale of adventure down a path paved with the very best of intentions...
What could possibly go wrong? What will Fluttershy find up in the air? How will Rainbow Dash guide her friend upwards? Read the story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
I’ve had a hard time coming up with anything to say about this particular story. I think most of what I have to say comes from what I want the story to be, rather than about any flaws with it, though I can’t be sure. The story wasn’t what I expected it to be, and I’m not sure how to interpret that.
The most immediate thing I can say about it is that I couldn’t get into the narration. This is a first-person story from Rainbow Dash’s eyes, and I don’t think it was handled well. I’m not going to say that it was the wrong point of view, because I believe that multiple stories can exist in any situation. The first-person here had a few things that bothered me. It seemed to switch between past recollection and present conversation, and these kids of stories seem like they don’t know when they want the story to take place. There’s meandering that doesn’t match the pacing of the action, and with Rainbow’s voice, I felt that the metaphors were out of place for her. There are moments where the story is distinctly in her voice, like here:
Of course we end up having a tea party. Hey, you try saying “no” to Flutters. It’s harder than you think. Things are pretty awkward for a while because we don’t have much in common to talk about these days. I ask about her ‘animal friends’ and I try to be interested in her answers. Actually, some of her animals are kind of cool so it’s not all bad. I try and keep the conversation on the cool creatures and away from all the bunnies.
By Celestia’s mane, that pony knows a lot of bunnies.
That part’s well-written, and I laughed at it. But then things like this:
But let me tell you, a ground level sunset is nothing next to seeing it at cloud level. The ground beneath you is already dimming, but here the sun still holds out in its kingdom of oranges and purples and the clouds glow like fireflies against the dark land.
Takes me out of it. It sounds too flowery for her. I may be the only person that thinks this, but I couldn’t get into the narrative voice throughout.
Maybe that’s just me.
The narrative voice was the big thing that made the story hard to read for me. I suppose the conflict’s engaging enough, and to the story’s credit, it does have a good amount of tension and progression. I wasn’t expecting this story to be set off by a lie; I was more expecting it to come from just a simple flight up. Perhaps I was hoping for a far simpler story, given its title. It pulled me along nicely, even in the Everfree Forest. The tension was alright throughout, and it follows a suitable sequence of events. To be nitpicky, though, I actually had trouble getting into the parts where the two of them were riding the thermal.
I think this is because of problems with dialogue, but to be fair, it is one specific problem. The dialogue in this story is really good, as is the characterization. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are a pair of ponies that will naturally have a lot of differences, and I feel this story played on that very well. I like Fluttershy’s dedication to the cause and wanting everything to be peaceful and slow, while Rainbow Dash acts quickly and even rashly. Though I wasn’t expecting the story to be moved along by a lie, I liked the internal and external struggle it created.
The only problem I have with the dialogue is when Fluttershy changes from sweet to assertive. She comes off as snobby, uptight, and otherwise ineffective, when the story’s mood doesn’t call for it. When Fluttershy needs to be sweet, kind, or frantic and persistent, it works. Assertive Fluttershy doesn’t quite come out, at least in my eyes.
The worldbuilding is excellent. I particularly like the little forest clearing they come across, and how it’s built up. The sky is described with great detail, and the flight through Ponyville is fun as well. It’s the only thing I can’t criticize about this story; I think it utilized its props very well, to make everything vivid. This story’s a good one to look at for the relationship between setting and conflict.
As I’m writing this, I can also say it’s a good story to look at character interactions. Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy have a good camaraderie, with a fitting distance between them. The ending, especially, has this excellent bonding moment between them. If I were to be honest, I would’ve liked to have seen the two of them actually going up to get a mare’s tail, but maybe that’s not the point. Maybe the point is that Rainbow Dash needed to find something other than what she wanted, and to appreciate it. Given that, I really liked it.
I guess I liked the story a lot more than I thought. It has a lot of great elements: creative settings, balanced characterization, and a nice conflict. I guess the main problem, and the big problem I had with it, was the narration. I’m probably the only person that had a problem with it, but for a significant portion of the story, I couldn’t hear Rainbow Dash. This is something you will need to judge for yourself, if you read it.
Finally, the technicals. I’ve gone on about the POV, but everything else seemed okay. I can’t remember any constant spelling or punctuation errors, and I can’t say anything about the prose that stuck out to me. The epilogue breaks the first-person POV, but it’s funny, and ties in with the story very well.
Overall, Height is a good story. The character dynamics are great, the worldbuilding is tight, and the conflict is one that subtly and effectively subverts expectations. I had a lot of trouble getting into it due to the narration that doesn’t sound like Rainbow Dash or fit the story’s tone, but looking at it with some distance, there’s a lot going for it. Maybe I’ll bee the only person to have a problem with the narration, and so I recommend it highly.
18, 12 to go. PoweredByTea, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
November 10th: The Lone Crusader by Cute Reality
November 11th: The Frozen West by Cozy Mark IV
November 12th: A Rumble in Time by Lab Matt AND Broken Roads by Not_A_Hat
November 13th: Pip by Invictus
November 14th: Raiders of the Cutie Mark by DJLowrider
November 15th: The Ancient Heart of the Everwood Dragon by Grey Faerie
November 16th: The Motion of the Stars by Carabas
November 17th: Complaints Department by TheDarkStarCzar
