For Those That Yearn for Adventure #12 (11/10)—Cute Reality's "The Lone Crusader" · 7:40pm Nov 10th, 2015
It's Apple Bloom's turn to get some love in these reviews.
Simple adventures can sometimes be relaxing. Watching a child indulge their fantasies can provide a lot of entertainment, and they don't need a whole lot in order to set forth on a quest. These sorts of stories usually don't need much description or turmoil, for the act of adventuring itself provides a challenge for those with an active-enough imagination.
This story is very simple indeed. It's a short play for most, but a danger-filled quest for one. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
The Lone Crusader
by Cute Reality
Year Published: 2015
Tag: Adventure, Comedy, and Cute
Word Count: 1,656
When Sweetie Belle is busy with Rarity and Scootaloo is sick, Apple Bloom has to make due by herself for the day. She ventures out into the wide open world, her destiny hers for the taking.
What will Apple Bloom encounter on her quest? What awaits her at the end? Read the story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
Note: This story takes place before "Crusaders of the Lost Mark".
I can’t talk about deep characterization, deep worldbuilding or a deep conflict in this story because it’s a lot simpler than most stories—and I think the story works better for it. I’ll just say it now, if you’re not a fan of really simple stories, you won’t like this one. There are a few monsters and obstacles to face, and there is something waiting at the end, but the main focus of the story is the two characters, Apple Bloom and Winona. This can be attributed to the author’s “philosophy” or profile quote: “Life's too short for stress, so let's get cute instead.”
Apple Bloom’s characterized alright for a child character. Reading it over again, for how small it is, the dialogue effectively shows Apple Bloom’s character off, as somepony that swivels between being cautious and being courageous. It works both for her and for a child character. Her accent is present, and it’s used sparingly enough to not be intrusive. Winona herself has a perfect amount of exuberance and patience in the story, and the body language stands out with her.
The other Apple Family members are in it, and I think their time in it is well-used. They’re not intrusive, they’re not out of character, and they have the right amount of characterization to make them seem like they’re actually there.
Apple Bloom’s imagination plays off of what’s happening, so I think it should be said that the worldbuilding’s used very effectively, for how small it is. The props used—a bunny, thunder, trees, apples and a basin—are used in a way that enhances the story. I think it’s a good thing to note here that this story may be a tad typical, but it’s good at least for beginner writers to see how to use the environment effectively and vibrantly.
The conflict itself moves along at a good pace. Even right from the beginning sentence, where the adventure actually embarks, it moves at a fun pace. For those looking for more substantial adventures, this may leave you wanting, but for what it is, I think it shows off a fun childish adventure quite nicely.
There is one thing I have to criticize, and that’s the disconnect between the time it took to get the treasure, since Apple Bloom was getting it for Applejack because she needed to do something. It seemed odd that the basin would’ve been left out for so long, and that it would’ve taken Apple Bloom so long to go after it. Was the adventure a lot longer than the story suggests? Wouldn’t Applejack have fetched the basin herself? What did she need it for anyway? This may be a nitpick, but it is an odd thing.
This story’s a very good one for authors to observe the building blocks of an adventure, I think; it’s at least good for a meandering adventure with no specific goal. There’s the enthusiasm and caution, the obstacles and threats, the tools and friendships used along the way. That odd time management is either a result of my seeing things that aren’t there (which I won’t discount), or trying to justify the basin not being the real treasure in the end (…or something else that I’m missing).
Finally, the technicals. There was one sentence that was either incomplete or cut in half:
The bunny continued to stare at Apple Bloom for a moment before the little filly charged it. Her bow and cape flailing in the wind from her burst of speed.
The word “lookout” was written as two words, and even though that’s a nitpick, it is something for people to know if they read it. There were a few other typos, but the rest of the story reads smoothly. The prose isn’t wowing, but it’s not hampering, either. There’s a nice simplicity to it where any descriptions within it stick out and enhance the story. It’s nice.
Overall, The Lone Crusader is a nice, fun, simple story. It doesn’t offer much new, but it does offer a cute story that has a very nice economy to it. It uses its props and pieces effectively to tell a story, and it lacks excess that would drag it down. If you have about five-to-ten minutes to read a story less than 2,000 words long, I’d say give this one a go. Either because of its nice economy, or because I’m a sucker for simple stories, or because Apple Bloom’s my favorite character, this is one I enjoyed highly.
Ten down, 20 to go. Cute Reality, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42
November 9th: Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers by ChaoticHarmony
