For Those That Yearn for Adventure #11 (11/9)—ChaoticHarmony's "Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers"

It's Scootaloo's turn to receive focus in these reviews.

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From Season 4 Episode 5, Flight to the Finish

I posted that because, to be completely honest, I couldn't think of a single witty introduction to the topic of Scootaloo not being able to fly.

This story is a very short look at Scootaloo searching for her ability to fly. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is

Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers
by ChaoticHarmony
Year Published: 2012
Tags: Adventure, Sad, Slice of Life
Word Count: 1,351
Everypony always asked Scootaloo why she uses a scooter all the time. She always said some kind of excuse. From using it to get around to saying it was her school project, she has said a ton of things to cover up the real reason why she uses it; to fly... or at least try to.

What happens to her scooter? What happens to Scootaloo? Is there anypony she could turn to for comfort when things go wrong? Read the story to find out!

Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.

Review Commences Now

I'll get to the right and quick of it: I don't think this story has aged well. I'm cutting to the quick of it because as I talk about what doesn't work—as well as what does—I don't want people dismissing the author because of it. This is one of his/her earlier stories, so if you're reading this review, please look at it with that in mind. I've taken the time to read ChaoticHarmony's most recent story, The Vampirization of Octavia Melody, and it's a vast improvement over this one. The author's definitely improved their writing skills from this story. I'm going to attempt to be as fair and respectful as possible as I critique it.

He also has other great stories, such as Shards of Hatred and My Fault.

The biggest problem I had with this story is that it whizzed by far too quickly. It doesn't allow enough time for things to really sink in, it rushes its dialogues, and it moves from Point A (the failed attempt at flying) to Point B (going home) to Point C (successfully flying) without much time to appreciate what's going on. This is reflected in the blocky paragraphs that have too much information crammed into them, but barring that, there's just not enough time to appreciate anything.

This part, for example, I think shows the problem with pacing the most (warning: spoilers):

...Using the momentum, she punched through the rainclouds. Above the clouds, she realized that it was her wings that kept her airborne now, and she flew a little bit to test her theory. When she didn’t drop from the sky, she cheered and did a series of loops and spins that she had seen Rainbow do. She nearly fell from the sky as she tested her new-found abilities, and then she dropped down to the clouds below.

“What are you doing up here Scoots? Don’t you know it’s dangerous for you?” Rainbow Dash flew down right next to her. When Scootaloo shook her head, Rainbow turned her head to the side, obviously confused.

“I can fly now Rainbow.” Her voice was dead serious as she told her hero her about her achievement. “I can fly.” She couldn’t hold it together anymore, and she tackled Rainbow with a hug, soaking the rainbow mane with tears. She felt a hoof pat her back awkwardly, and then felt Rainbow draw away from her.

“Is that so little chicken? Well, just try to keep up with the fastest pony in Equestria,” Rainbow shot into the sky, with her prism of colors trailing after her.

Laughing, Scootaloo shot after her hero, her wings glistening with wetness in the setting sun.

This is rather nonsensical, if I'm to be honest. How is Scootaloo able to do loops and spins when this is her first time flying? Why would she think about doing that when she's flying for the first time? Why does Rainbow Dash suddenly appear out of nowhere? Why does Rainbow Dash expect Scootaloo to keep up with her when this is her first time flying? Why doesn't Rainbow congratulate her here? Wouldn't she be proud of Scootaloo for pulling that off? I may be making a mountain out of a molehill, but I just think that there wasn't a large enough appreciation for the moment here. Scootaloo flies, and is suddenly completely competent with it; Rainbow Dash comes out of nowehre, and expects Scootaloo to keep up. I'm not sure if Rainbow's personality is supposed to be reflective of life coaches that push people way past their limits so they can accomplish great things, but this entire part just feels off.

There are other moments I felt were rushed. I thought it rushed that Scootaloo would take such a short while to appreciate the gift Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gave her, not even seeming to think about them in the process. I thought it rushed that Scootaloo has very little reaction to seeing her scooter broken, and more so that Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle didn't try to console her in any way at that moment. I think most of all, I found it rushed that this

Tears welled up in her eyes, and she dashed away from her friends, and her crushed dreams of flying.

was how it was revealed that her scooter was basically her only chance at flying. It's just a single sentence of exposition, no dialogue revealing it to anyone else, no dark thoughts about her never being able to fly. This is the largest rushed thing, in my opinion, because it completely glances over why the story is important: Scootaloo has just lost her dream. That warrants more focus, I think.

The middle part of it, where Scootaloo's both hiding and heading home, is actually written decently. Sure, nothing's done with the idea that Scootaloo's the only one of the bunch that doesn't have her cutie mark, and there's too little description of her shack, but the story gives her some time to grieve for her loss, and then her walk home has nice descriptions of rain and how she got to be where she is (though, to criticize, nothing's done with it). It may not be completely striking, but it is a decent bit of pacing.

I can't say much about much else. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are there for a millisecond, and then they're gone. Scootaloo leaves the broken scooter, and nothing happens to it. The ramp is still out, even though it could be damaged in the rain. I can't picture where the ramp is, or why it's still there when it's on a street (presumably). The props used in the story aren't used effectively, leading to a dissonance within the story. The setting is used competently, though I wish there were a lot more description of the storm at the end while she was flying; it would've at least added a threat, and made the sudden appearance of the sunset more understandable.

This story needed to slow down and let things be mulled over. I think the relationship between Scootaloo's scooter and her dreams of flying could've been revealed in a more clever way than just a single sentence of exposition, making the relationship more meaningful and the story more vivid (with her at least trying to salvage her scooter). The new scooter should've received a lot more attention than just an aesthetic one, and I'd personally include something about the other crusaders. I would've made them a greater part of the story overall, since they're doing so much for her; or make her struggle more isolationist, with her not wanting to bother anyone, or bring them out into the storm. Some more Rainbow Dash would've been nice as well, seeing as how she appeared at the end; some encouragement at the beginning and/or middle, and some sign of pride would've added to her characterization and the plot. The various plots could've been used more effectively as well. More personal grief could've been expressed with her cutie mark, the unsalvageable scooter could've added a frantic hope and crushed grief, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon could've offered some quips about her inability to fly and get a cutie mark, her shack could've been described as spartan—empty, even—and alone. I think all of these things could've helped the story become a lore more grounded, vivid, and painstaking in the beginning and middle, and exhilarating at the end.

Finally, the technicals. This is a rough story technically, with the blocky paragraphs that hold too much information, like this:

With a shout, she jumped from her scooter, flapping her wings even harder than before. The wind flowed beneath her wings, drawing her up into the sky above the clouds. She knew that she couldn’t keep up her wing’s fast rhythm, and she aimed for a cloud to land on. Instead of landing on it though, she crashed into it. She sat up slowly, shaking her head to rid herself of her disorientation. She felt as if her stomach had disappeared as the cloud opened up beneath her. She dropped towards the dirt like a stone, her wings flapping uselessly on her sides. With a crash, Scootaloo landed into the mud, and she heard something snap. Spitting out the dirt that had somehow gotten into her mouth, she looked around dazedly. There, standing a small distance away was Diamond Tiara, smiling cruelly as she held up her camera and snapped another photo. Scootaloo groaned, knowing that her failure would make it onto the papers. Spitting out a bit more dirt, she stood up and limped over to Apple Bloom and Sweetie Bell, who were looking at her sadly.

that make the sentences within it seem cramped. The uncertain phrases, like "for some strange reason" and "of some kind" aren't used effectively, actually blunting the sentences of their power. I don't recall there being any errors in punctuation, but Sweetie Belle is spelled Sweetie Belle, and Ponyville isn't capitalized. It's a very rough story.

Overall, Wheels of Fire, Wings of Fliers is a very rough story. It has some good moments of deliberation in terms of conflict, and the potential it had for building the world around Scootaloo being the only one without a cutie mark was touched upon in a nice manner. The story just moves too fast for its own good, speeding by anything with significance, not describing the important parts effectively, not establishing the stakes within it, and not using its pieces strongly. Although not so bad it's unreadable, it could've had shorter, more effective paragraphs and could've gone through an editor. I hate to say it, but this is not a story I would recommend.

Still, though, I want to stress that I'm not putting the author down. He or she continued writing, and his or her skills have gotten better. That is a commendable thing (although I'm not sure I can say that, since the reviewed story was well-received). I would also like to reiterate that his newest story, "The Vampirization of Octavia Melody," looks promising. The paragraphs are about the same length, and it could use some more variety, the but they have more variety, and they actually let events and descriptions breathe. The plot's a lot more focused as well, and the props are used effectively. The chapters could also stand to be longer, as it seems to cut off at odd places, but it is a story I would recommend at least glancing at.

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Nine down, 21 to go. ChaoticHarmony, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.

NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge

November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
November 8th: Making Friends by arcum42