For Those That Yearn for Adventure #10 (11/8)—arcum42's "Making Friends" · 5:47pm Nov 8th, 2015
The Crusaders will be focused here now, beginning with Sweetie Belle.
Adventures have stakes, risks, and plenty of discovery to them. Imaginary adventures have those as well, except they're all, well, imaginary. Children are able to make great imaginary adventures with very little, in their groups or by themselves. The extent of the child's mind is so great, they can create imaginary friends that might as well be right there with them.
This story deals with one imaginary adventure, with one imaginary friend, becoming an extraordinary experience. Ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
Making Friends
by arcum42
Tags: Adventure, Comedy, Slice of Life
Word Count: 4, 284
The Noble Sir Rocinante has been turned into a frog, and the Lady Belle and her faithful squire have gone on a quest to Frogbury Pond to save him!
Or possibly Sweetie Belle is just really bored and lonely, and looking for something to do...
What will Sweetie Belle and her squire encounter as they look for Sir Rocinante? How will they change him back from a frog? And where does Ditzy Hooves fit into all of this? Read the story to find out!
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something. Please take what I say with a grain of salt, as I'm still trying to figure out how to review with giving the author and story their due while pointing out what could be better with it.
Review Commences Now
Note: This story takes place before the show's premiere.
This is an imaginary adventure dreamed up by a child, and it definitely feels like it's paced that way. There's very little deliberation on details, but what detail there is (pertaining to the quest, mind) is told through dialogue and planning, which give both Sweetie Belle and Ditzy a chance to showcase their vivid imagination. The story does a good job of limiting itself of extraneous detail, instead relying on clever dialogue to build the adventure that's going on. What detail there is is there merely to say what is there or what's happening; description is meant to give a tone that this is a simple, pleasant adventure, and it's the imagination of the characters that really build the tone.
The dialogue, for the most part, is written effectively. The typically-medieval dialogue reflects a novel that the story references a lot: Don Quixote de la Mancha, and it gives off that medieval quest vibe very well, while still retaining the simplicity of an imaginary adventure around a lonely pond.
"They say the evil enchantress worked a transmogrification spell on Sir Rocinante, turning him into a frog. I have heard both are located somewhere in the vicinity of Frogbury Pond," Sweetie Belle said, elaborating on her mission.
"I believe you are right. An enchantress in the same area has cursed me with the evil eye. I was seeking a way to free myself from its effects when you arrived," Ditzy said, quickly improvising. Given Ditzy's problems with her eyes, Sweetie Belle had to admire how easily she poked fun at it.
The normal dialogue also reflects a lot about the characters and the situation, although it does get jumpy at times, seeming to miss some topical cues. Like here:
"Great singing, Sweetie. I didn't realize you'd seen that musical. It's always been a favorite of mine." Ditzy smiled.
"Thanks. It's one of mine, too, which is why it came to mind. And you sing well. I don't think I've heard you sing before." Then Sweetie Belle remembered her question from earlier. "By the way, where's Dinky? (This seems shoehorned in)"
"Oh, Dinky's visiting her father for the weekend. She'll be back on Monday, though." Looking sad for a moment, Ditzy changed the subject. "You know, I actually played in that musical once. Of course, then I was the Scarecrow, and now I seem to be Dorothy... or Dorothea, anyways." She snickered.
It's not smooth, but it does its part, and the topics that are explored have a good relevance both in "real life" and within this quest.
I have to leave a lot vague about Sweetie's imaginary friend, since that spoils the most massive part of the story. I'll have to call her Rucio throughout, which works, considering that's the name she's given for the quest. She's used effectively as both a companion and a contrast to Sweetie Belle, being an adventurous sort that helps push Sweetie into having a great deal of fun. It can be said that the story lacks a lot from her, though, as once Ditzy joins in, she's mostly pushed to the side. Given Rucio's special nature, something could've been done with the thing that she's usually seen with, or she could've shown more bravado by guarding the adventurers or fighting off a monster (hypothetically, of course 
). That could just be me, though, for there is a fitting contrast with Sweetie Belle, and at the end, she has a very surprising and yet fitting ending.
Sweetie and Ditzy themselves are characterized nicely as well. Ditzy plays a fun-loving, relaxed, resourceful and matronly mare and partner to Sweetie, and her characterization is strong. Details like her derped eyes and her daughter Dinky are pulled from the show and from fandom and they tie in well with the story, like Dinky being a unicorn and Ditzy being a pegasus. Sweetie Belle herself is quite the imagineer, and she's written nicely as a child. I do think that Sweetie's characterization could've been stronger, though; nothing's done with the paper and pencils she takes with her to the pond, and given the distant relationship Sweetie and Ditzy have before this quest, it seemed odd that she was so eager to get her to play along. Small things like these bother me because it seems like story elements are forgotten and not utilized, and also the story's rushing to get certain spectacles (in this case, Ditzy) featured as soon as possible. These are small complaints, though; I do feel that both characters are written well.
The quest itself is simple enough: find a prince who's been turned into a frog, break the "ensorcellment" over him, and avoid and/or defeat the sorceress that cursed him (and Ditzy). What makes this a great adventure is that it's not entirely the focus of the story. They search for Sir Rocinante, but Sweetie Belle and Ditzy have pleasantries regarding the real world, and Rucio has some good part as well (though, as I said earlier, it's pretty minimal). There's even a musical number that ties into the quest, and it's both written very well, and fits into both the adventure itself and the tone of the story. I think the only thing missing from the plot and/or quest was sight of the sorceress and heroism from Rucio.
Getting nitpicky, but talking about some more heavy stuff, I think it may've been a disadvantage to the story to not include any mention of Rarity or Sweetie's parents while at the pond. When Ditzy mentions that they may've been expecting a fourth companion due to the nature of the song, I suppose that something could've been made about how perhaps Rarity was off at school at the time, or she simply didn't want to hang out with her—unless that part was Ditzy subtly prompting Sweetie to go and get Rarity to play, knowing that Sweetie Belle has trouble making friends and wanting her to feel less alone!
(Actually, now that I mention that, I now have to wonder if Ditzy has any thoughts of Sweetie Belle and Dinky being friends, or if Sweetie herself has any thoughts about it)
Getting back on track, knowing that Sweetie's parents were leaving her out of the loop, it would've been nice to have had some mention of something about parent-child relationships, like Sweetie confessing that Ditzy's more fun than her parents even though they go on a bunch of trips, or listening as Ditzy talks about how often she spends time with Dinky. Actually, come to think of it,
"Oh, Dinky's visiting her father for the weekend. She'll be back on Monday, though." Looking sad for a moment, Ditzy changed the subject. "You know, I actually played in that musical once. Of course, then I was the Scarecrow, and now I seem to be Dorothy... or Dorothea, anyways." She snickered.
Is this a subtle poke at a bonding relationship between Ditzy and Sweetie along the lines of mother-daughter?
Sorry for using this twice, but I'm just noticing things I didn't notice the first two times through. Anyway, I think looking at Sweetie's family at this part would've made the tone more serious, but it would've also given a deeper look at how Sweetie views her family (maybe even her place in Ponyville).
There's not a lot of worldbuilding to be had, but the story gets its essentials down: there's a pond with frogs. There are other small details here and there, but it lets the characters and the imagination take control, and it benefits for it. If you're looking for an imaginary adventure with a highly detailed world created from the mind, this isn't the story for you.
The ending of this story is notable in that it comes completely out of the blue, and yet it ties in well with the events and tone of the story. It's a bit sappy, but it's a sweet happy ending to both "real-life" and the quest.
Finally, the technicals. This story reads like a jaunt through the park, with a relaxed pacing and a heavy reliance on dialogue. There are multiple instances of missing possessive apostrophes, so if you read that, keep that in mind. There's also something else that bothered me about the prose: the vague words.
She was actually kinda surprised Ditzy knew the song well...
That had kinda bugged her.
She still felt kinda strange, and sort of empty.
...Ditzy put her down back on the ground, somewhat to her relief.
"Indeed, your squire must be very wise," Ditzy said, giggling slightly.
As her tongue was sticking slightly out...
This is a pet peeve of mine, personally, especially the work kinda. It mitigates what' being said, and it more often than not does nothing. I don't know if kinda can be used effectively ever (I'm serious, I really don't like that word), and the others appear too often and with no effect. One other small thing that I couldn't help but noticing: even with the internet dictionary, I couldn't figure out what the word haight means.
Overall, Making Friends is a very pleasant imaginary adventure with a surprising ending. The characterization is excellent, the pacing is fitting, the worldbuilding is minimalist, and the dialogue helps carry the story along. There are a lot of details from the show and fandom that help bring it to life as well. The only problems I seemed to have with it were that it lacked certain characterization, plot and worldbuilding moments that could've made this a lot more grounded and exciting. As it is, though, this is a personal favorite, and I honestly struggled to find things to criticize about it. I'd recommend it to anyone.
Eight down, 22 to go. Arcum42, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
November 5th: Yearbook January by Regidar
November 6th: The Three Sisters by Wanderer D
November 7th: The Lonesome Drake by Bok
Thanks for the review!
One thing to note about this story is that it was published back in 2012. In fact, it was my second story published on fimfiction, so I've certainly grown as an author since then, though this one always did have a special place in my heart.
I recall I was having trouble writing and getting things out the door at the time, and I'd recently scrapped a short, pointless story about Sweetie Belle, and I think a fair amount of that went consciously or unconsciously into it. This was very much a discovery story, though. I wrote it start to finish in the course of a day, which may explain some of the oddities. (The pencils and paper was because she usually writes music down by the pond!)
I'd also been having trouble getting things to a publishing point, and I recall I'd limited myself to three editing passes for some reason on this.So I published after the third one, though I did fix up a few things after the fact.
For all that, I tend to have a fair amount of mental world-building go on behind the scenes, and this isn't an exception. Most of it just didn't end up in there.
One thing to keep in mind is that both Sweetie Belle and Ditzy were fairly lonely in this. With Sweetie Belle, it's fairly obvious. She doesn't have friends, her parents are ignoring her, and her only companion normally is her imaginary friend.
With Ditzy, it isn't really written in as such. She's a single parent, and for a long time, Dinky's father hadn't even acknowledged her existence. He's starting to take an interest in Dinky now, so Ditzy's given her alternate weekends with him. This is one of them, and it hasn't been going on for long. Part of why she's so willing to play along was that she's missing Dinky, and this was more the sort of thing she'd usually do with her.
I recall I felt like I should have had more of Sweetie Belle's imaginary friend in there, but I was having trouble not giving the twist ending away, which was in my head from the beginning!
As far as the grammar goes, I'm usually pretty good with grammar, but possessive apostrophes are my bane, as it's not surprising some are missing.
Most of the kinda's, sorta's, and so on were actually more due to it being from Sweetie Belle's perspective, and trying to keep it more in her voice. Haight is misspelled, most likely because it's pretty rarely used. It should have been "hight".
I actually felt there was a lot more to be explored in this universe after I wrote this story, and I started writing a sequel at one point. I had this idea that I should wait until it was entirely done before publishing it, and it stalled out after six chapters or so. Where as this one was about Sweetie Belle, the sequel was mostly about Scootaloo and Ditzy, and would have explored the implications of some of the things that happened at the end...
--arcum42
3530244 I might have to do something like that, as I've not published in over a year now. I knew that this story was written a long time ago, and I should probably start writing the date on the information section. I hope you didn't take my review as my judging you as a writer, and I really hope that I at least gave your story a sensible review, looking at the good things as well as what could've been improved.
I did see that you were working on a sequel, and that it was put on hiatus, and that you would like to continue working on it. If this review provides some sort of motivation (though how it would I don't know), then I will be happy.
Edit: Also, thank you for all of that clarification. It's opened my eyes to things that I had missed, and I'm hoping I can keep my eyes out for similar things like it in the future.
3530295
No problem, I just felt it was worth mentioning to put in context when I was writing it. I know on the main story I work on these days, Cubic Zirconia, it got pretty obvious at one point that my writing was a fair amount better then when I started. Obvious enough that I went back and reworked the first chapter.
Unfortunately, to restart work on the sequel, first I've got two other stories on hiatus that I'd want to finish first, as well as the one I'm actually working on. I've been pretty bad at getting things written myself for a while.
No problem on the clarifications. If this gives any further insight as to Ditzy's character:
From the first chapter of the sequel...
--arcum42