For Those That Yearn for Adventure #7 (11/5)—Regidar's "Yearbook January" · 4:17am Nov 6th, 2015
It's Fluttershy's turn for this review.
This story takes place in the Arctic tundra, where Fluttershy has undertaken a task alone, without her friends. The mission is mysterious, as is the threat, but it features some nice scenery, and some cute and cryptic animals along the way. The first in a series called The Yearbook, ladies and gentlemen, fillies and gentlecolts, this is
Yearbook January
by Regidar
Tags: Adventure
Word Count: 7,696
Fluttershy never thought of herself as an adventurer, but when opportunity arises, she sets out to the frozen north— the land of Arctica. This journey must be undertaken without her friends, but that doesn't mean they can't help her along a little on the way.
Still, Fluttershy has no idea what strange things lurk in the north...
What threats lurk in the north, exactly? What is Fluttershy meant to do on her own here? What will she encounter, and how can her friends help her when they're not even there?
Before I begin, I would like to say that my review is not meant to be belittling, discouraging or insulting. It is simply my observations as I read it. Please take what I say with a grain of salt; I'm not particularly bright, so I may miss or misinterpret something.
Review Commences Here
I need to tackle this story differently than what I'm used to, mainly because this is, according to the author, "based on Sleeping At Last's Yearbook EP's, which are 12 EP's of three songs, one for each month." It is also a story specifically meant to be beautiful, as the authors has said. How does one judge beauty? I don't know, but I'll try my best. This will be a good time to observe an attempt at heightening the descriptive, beautiful quality is adventures.
(this is me trying to give the author his due)
I guess that to begin discussing the beautiful, the descriptions are pretty cool. The visual and tactile descriptions, mainly, get a lot of focus. The story has a lot of color in it with the various objects Fluttershy has and sees in the Arctic, and the geography of a place that's mostly white provides nice visuals. The cold and warm are there, though noticeably less, especially in the beginning. It does seem somewhat unbalanced, that in this significantly colder climate, there's far more visual than tactile detail, but that might just be my nitpicking, or just not feeling enough of the tundra climate. If Regidar decides to continue with this, some more tactile descriptions of the climate and weather would be nice.
The details that are there are quite stunning, and they both set a great mood and evoke the senses. Smells and tastes are both evoked really well, and this part stuck out to me as a particularly delicious detail:
A tear escaped from the left eye of Fluttershy, who blinked hard. She felt a swelling sensation in her chest as her face broke out into a smile, and despite being out at night in the middle of Arctica, she felt so very warm. Basking in the ethereal light of the moon, she closed her eyes, and inhaled. Fragrances beyond the fresh snow and the light smell of smoke from the chimney of her little cottage filled up her muzzle: the pine trees from the forest behind her exuded a strong scent, the barely descendable smell of old wood, petrified by long exposure to ice, from her cottage porch, and even the smell of the air itself—so cold that the temperature was actually translating into an odor.
—Chapter 3
I actually don't recall there being a lot of aural details which might be a shame. Being in a tranquil-yet-foreboding setting like this, I would've liked more sounds, like a soft or harsh susurrus of the wind, or the roiling waters, or something more than what was there. I think this would've further enhanced the story by bringing the world into better focus.
But that may just be me.
An element about the story that I think enhances it is the mystery of "The Other," whom I can only assume is MAN! There's rumors about the other, and then at the end there's a tiny bit of observation about The Other that's intriguing. The scenery is lovely, but this bit of mystery to the story gives it a more inaccessible beauty, like out in this beautiful world there's something waiting to get Fluttershy. It's a very nice tease.
I just wish there was more about what Fluttershy's supposed to be doing out here. So much time is spent getting settled in and admiring the scenery, that when the other arrives, he, she, it or they doesn't/don't seem like a threat. And maybe he/she/it/they isn't/aren't, but I would've liked to have had at least an inkling of what she was doing—one other than that she's supposed to be meeting someone—then I feel like the mystery could've been more sinister, or more curiosity-striking, or with at least more context in this situation. It seems less like she's getting settled in, and more like she's meandering about. I'm probably asking for something the story isn't, so this may be negligible; I was just put off by the vagueness of the conflict, as I felt that if it was important enough, she would've at least began to make plans on it, or at least rest from the strenuous journey in this cozy cabin.
Fluttershy herself is adorable, and she fits well into this setting. From her being a guest of honor and adoration on the Dawn Treader, to befriending penguins (who're oddly enough in the arctic), and even with the stnadoffish nature of the deerfolk, she's kind and curious, appreciative and benevolent. The scene with the clock and the fire was pretty cool, and a cool tie-in with her friends (although it makes me wonder, since she laughed about using it in that manner, how she regards this cabin at all. I do kinda chalk that up as OoC without explanation, though very minutely). Her dialogue is sweet most of the time, although one paragraph was really awkward:
“They must be feeding! I’ve heard about it, but I’ve seen them do it up close… they dive in, and they scoop a fish in their beaks, and then charge back out!” Fluttershy said to herself. “Oh, it’ll be wonderful to see it first hoof…” (Why all the exposition? I may be nitpicking, but did she really need to explain it to herself?)
Other than that, I think Fluttershy really fits here.
The scenery and mystery both add a lot of beauty to it, and Fluttershy herself is very nice in this. The props used in the story are also used effectively. The penguins—though oddly enough Arctic animals now—are used in a playful way that lets Fluttershy's playful nurturing nature come out in full force. The deer are very mysterious, adding both guidance and crypticness (...crypton?) to enhance the story. (As a side note, I've not a bloody idea what the doe's message means). The cabin itself provides bare-bone supplies and warmth, and it was written well as a base for comfort. (I might have a slight bias for cabins now, since my brother has been marathoning Mountain Men for a while). Even the props given by Fluttershy's friends are all useful and reflect each of her friends (minus Pinkie Pie, for some reason).
The pacing is an odd thing to talk about for this particular story. If it’s taken as a single story, then I would say that the vagueness of the conflict hurts it, because Fluttershy’s appreciation of everything seems more like meandering than it does settling down and becoming familiar with the surroundings. Fluttershy definitely has a mission, but she seems to do very little to further that mission, or address it, so it slows the story down… if it’s looked at as a single story. As three moments linked together by a narrative, though, it’s really nice. I propose this as a way of looking at it because at the end of each story, there’s a YouTube link to different songs from Sleepin At Last, so this would make it seem more like a collection of moments with a loose narrative—much like a musical album—and the story works greatly like that. The pacing is just right for that sort of thing—I think; I’m not familiar with this style—as each moment has a good amount of time dedicated to it. Even with the lack of conflict-focus, the pacing works well here.
The rest of what I would talk about would be nitpicking. Why did Applejack only give one apple to Fluttershy (unless she merely took one out of the bag)? Why didn’t Pinkie Pie contribute anything (unless she did)? Why does the doe acknowledge that her answer’s cryptic (unless that’s just the wind)? These things don’t sour the story in any way; they’re just odd things I noticed.
Finally, the technicals. The editing wasn’t perfect, but I can’t remember what stood out to me, so I’ll just have to praise the smooth reading and mostly perfect punctuation and spelling. The scenery moved along very well, very fluidly, and the dialogue was simple and sweet. I will say that I’ve never thought that ellipses work well in the epistolary format, and I don’t think their inclusion in Fluttershy’s journal made a lot of sense, but that’s just my nitpicking. The story is technically sound, from what I read of it.
Overall, Yearbook January is a unique story with some mystery and mystifying beauty to it, but I don’t think there’s a lot in way of conflict. The pacing is good, the characterization is very good, and the scenery is excellent. I was personally left feeling like the conflict lacked a lot, and there was a lack of sound descriptions, from what I recall. Still, this does seem like a good start to a very intriguing series, and I would recommend it for that.
Five down, 25 to go. Regidar, if you read this, the criticisms in this review are not meant to belittle, discourage or insult you in any way. They are just my honest opinions on what I thought about your story. I praise you for writing it, and wish you continued success in the future.
NaNoWriMo reviewing challenge
November 1st: Words Failed Her by Nonsanity
November 2nd: Great Big Sky by shortskirtsandexplosions
November 3rd: 30,000 Feet by the Grey Pegasus
November 4th: Stop Me by Wing Nut
